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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with SIL and wedding

130 replies

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 17:42

Evening!
Just wanted to get a gauge on if I'm being waaaaaayyyy too sensitive (currently pmt ing) or if it's OK to feel the way I do.

Background is that neither DH or I are paticularly close to any of ILs mainly due to us being excluded quite a lot from family events. We have tried time and time again to have a better relationship with MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL x2, but they don't seem to enjoy family oriented activities and feel that we and our 3dc "cramp their style" (direct quote from MIL) on the occasions we try to do something adult and more to their liking (no other kids in the family). We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no. They can also be quite unkind with their criticism of me and the kids. DH will always stick up for us all but this causes more friction.

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try.

Fast forward to SIL wedding. She is adamant she wants the dc there and asked there a time of year that would suit us best and fit in with dcs at school. SIL and ILs live a very long distance from us, not a distance you could travel in a day. Initially I was quite surprised that 1. They wanted the dc there and 2. They were trying to make it easy to attend, but I thought we may have turned a corner with our relationship.

So... today.... wedding plans are out...
It's midweek
Mid term
VERY very short notice
Other end of the country
Totally unsuitable venue for children
But they all cannot wait to see the dcs

FFS. I'm quite pissed off.
Should I tell her to ram it or should I suck it up, leave the kids off school a few days with 'd and v' and go.

BTW this is the same SIL and future BIL who didn't even send us a card on our wedding day 😠

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 04/02/2019 17:44

I wouldn’t lie to the school about D and V.

If it’s a pain, don’t go.

DesperatelySeekingSnoozing · 04/02/2019 17:44

Nah, she asked so she could book on a day that was difficult. I wouldn't bother going at all. Not sending a card for your wedding is poor form.

RuggerHug · 04/02/2019 17:45

I assume you mean term time and not mid term? They knew the dates and did it anyway, I'd take that as a sign. Tell them it's a shame but you won't be taking the DCs out of school so won't be there. If DH wants to go on his own fine but I wouldn't.

Schweetcorn0000 · 04/02/2019 17:45

Sod them they sound like a right shower. I wouldn’t bother with anybody who treated us like that especially if they were supposed to be family. It sounds like the only relationship you would get with them would be a stressful one. Put your efforts into people who appreciate you, you deserve it.

Hollowvictory · 04/02/2019 17:45

I would not go

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/02/2019 17:46

I wouldn't go. I don't believe in lying to the school and more than I believe they want you or the children there.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/02/2019 17:47

Ah that’s a shame as it’s right in the middle of term. Have a lovely day

I don’t know why you’d even bother giving them the time of day. They sound horrendous.

Pocketfull · 04/02/2019 17:49

I wouldn’t go, DH can go on his own if he wants to.
It sounds like they’ve either orchestrated it to sound like they’re taking your DC into account. but didn’t really want them there at all and so arranged it for that particular day, or they’ve found a cancellation at a cheaper price.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/02/2019 17:51

I think it would be really helpful for you to get over this feeling you have that you should keep in touch and keep trying because they are family.

Who cares that they are family when they are so horrible? Stop trying so hard to bash your head against a brick wall!

I promise your head and hearts will feel a lot better if you just let them go.

And no, do not go to the wedding!

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 17:52

Sounds as though they invited you because it would have been embarrassing trying to explain why they hadn't! But they deliberately arranged it on a date when you couldn't attend. I would be tempted to go anyway, just to spite them, but you wouldn't enjoy it. They'd make sure of that!

Pinkyyy · 04/02/2019 17:54

I absolutely wouldn't go. Obviously you can't expect her to plan her wedding to suit you, but I don't see why she bothered asking if she had no intention of using that information

theworldistoosmall · 04/02/2019 17:55

Why are you trying to have a relationship with them? They don't sound nice and personally, I wouldn't bother with them, family or not.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/02/2019 17:56

They want to use your dc for fab photos. Nothing more.
Stay home.
They sound bloody awful.

Youmadorwhat · 04/02/2019 17:57

To be honest it sounds like she has done it on purpose so that you couldn’t/wouldn’t go!! I would go (with dc) just to piss her off and also not bother with a pressie just to be extra bitchy (but sometimes I can be v spiteful) 🙈😂😂

pinkrockinghorse · 04/02/2019 17:57

I definitely think she only asked you about dates to make sure she picked an inconvenient date! I wouldn't go, let your DH go.

Fabaunt · 04/02/2019 17:59

My dads niece did the same when she was getting married. My mum was pregnant with me and she kept asking when baby was due and booked her wedding the date of my due date.

I wouldn’t even bother going

ciderhouserules · 04/02/2019 18:00

You don't need to lie to the school - if you want to go, a family wedding is normally enough (unless during SATs or similar) for it to be approved.

But - it looks like you have sussed that they want to make it as difficult as possible for you. So don't go.

Even if you do go, they will make a plan to make it an ordeal for you in some other way.

Don't go.

Original poster
Chopbob · 04/02/2019 18:01

Pocketful, you hit the nail on the head. They did get the date at a cheaper price and it was the only date left this year at the venue that is 'the one'.
I've just got be prepared for the onslaught of passive aggressiveness from MIL and FIL that we won't be attending.
I think having us there is more about keeping up appearances. Nobody wants to appear a really shit grandparent/uncle/aunt and they would have to admit that really- they value their 'adult time' more than their grandkids/nieces/nephew.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chopbob · 04/02/2019 18:02

At least I know INBU to be over it!

OP posts:
AgathaF · 04/02/2019 18:04

I wouldn't go. It'll potentially cause you a lot of bother with school, possibly involve you having to get your children to lie at school about why they were absent (which is really unfair on them), it's inconvenient to get to and probably costly. And all for relatives that don't actually like you. It won't improve your relationship if you do go. It'll just be an awkward day and the following day things will be exactly the same with them as they've always been, ie crap.

Outnotdown · 04/02/2019 18:05

That seems a very pointed message from your SIL. In your shoes, I would be discussing with your husband what either of you get from these relationships, and whether it is worth continuing to make any efforts at all.

Regarding the wedding, I would send a polite message declining and wish them well - via text message, rather than bothering with a card

But I lean towards pettiness occasionally.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/02/2019 18:06

I'd sack it off. It sounds like you have tried to build a relationship with them and got nothing back. I'd focus your energy on those who treat you well.

Foodylicious · 04/02/2019 18:06

Can you ask school for permission?
If its granted than arrange to go.
If not, at least you can show you tried.

What does your DP think?
How important is it to him ?

Purpleartichoke · 04/02/2019 18:14

Do you have family locally who could keep the kids and get them to school? If so, I would attend the wedding, but not bring the kids. Keep your trip as brief as possible.

The reason I would try to attend is that if you skip it, you will never hear the end of it. Missing a siblings wedding is a very big deal. If they were considerate people they would not have made it difficult for you to attend, but I would try to show you are the better people by attending.

birdladyfromhomealone · 04/02/2019 18:17

What does your DH feel about it.
personally I think if it his family he must make the decision otherwise it will be a stick DH MIL FIL SIL BIL will beat you with for evermore.