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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with SIL and wedding

130 replies

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 17:42

Evening!
Just wanted to get a gauge on if I'm being waaaaaayyyy too sensitive (currently pmt ing) or if it's OK to feel the way I do.

Background is that neither DH or I are paticularly close to any of ILs mainly due to us being excluded quite a lot from family events. We have tried time and time again to have a better relationship with MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL x2, but they don't seem to enjoy family oriented activities and feel that we and our 3dc "cramp their style" (direct quote from MIL) on the occasions we try to do something adult and more to their liking (no other kids in the family). We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no. They can also be quite unkind with their criticism of me and the kids. DH will always stick up for us all but this causes more friction.

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try.

Fast forward to SIL wedding. She is adamant she wants the dc there and asked there a time of year that would suit us best and fit in with dcs at school. SIL and ILs live a very long distance from us, not a distance you could travel in a day. Initially I was quite surprised that 1. They wanted the dc there and 2. They were trying to make it easy to attend, but I thought we may have turned a corner with our relationship.

So... today.... wedding plans are out...
It's midweek
Mid term
VERY very short notice
Other end of the country
Totally unsuitable venue for children
But they all cannot wait to see the dcs

FFS. I'm quite pissed off.
Should I tell her to ram it or should I suck it up, leave the kids off school a few days with 'd and v' and go.

BTW this is the same SIL and future BIL who didn't even send us a card on our wedding day 😠

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 05/02/2019 11:10

Why are you allowing her to speak to you like that?!

"MIL, do not speak to me like I am your small child. I am not accountable to you. Do not call me again regarding this issue"

You don't give a shit about her anyway. Burn the damn bridge! N

Original poster
Chopbob · 05/02/2019 11:14

However you must know why they all avoid you, if it was just one is think if it was them, 2 I'd wonder if it is me but all of them.......

They for sure don't like me. Its me they have a problem with. I have no idea why. I have been with dh for 17 years and from the very start they all told him he could do better! I have a good job, good education, come from a lovely supportive family, I have never ever been rude to them. But... they don't like that dh has developed a backbone especially since we now have dc ourselves and they put that down to me.
It just makes me sad for dh.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 05/02/2019 11:18

Seriously, are we expected to believe that someone really having a wedding with camping some time soon? OP said it was short notice. And is a venue with camping really all booked up this year with the exception of just one day?

Original poster
Chopbob · 05/02/2019 11:26

I only said short notice. It's at the end of April and I assume it's a cancellation.
It is a legit wedding venue but very outdoorsy with just with canvas tents for overnight guests. It does look very whimsical and interesting if it was held in summer.
But April? No. April showers anyone! Lol

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 05/02/2019 11:30

Try not to engage with any drama. If you have to engage with anyone about this, get yourself into a detached, 'watching' state and say little. 'Smile and nod' and say, "Oh dear".

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/02/2019 11:32

Last time I camped in April we had ice on the inside of the tent when we woke up. When the tent warmed up we had indoor rain. No need to worry about no running water OP Smile

Alpacanorange · 05/02/2019 12:02

She asked so as to raise the possibility of you not attending and is putting on a show to make it look like you can’t be bothered to go if you don’t.
In this situation I would accept, be so happy for them, the plans looks amaaaaaaazing. It’s one less thing for them to be pissy about later.
I wouldn’t lie to the school though, they actually won’t give a shit if attendance is usually good. They have rules to obey and asking your kids to lie to is not a good move.

CantStopMeNow · 05/02/2019 12:13

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try
You're flogging a dead horse.
Blood/family doesn't mean you have to tolerate shitty, abusive behaviour.

These il's don't regard their own blood - DH - as on of them. He's the black sheep that gets trotted out as and when they decide.
Your dh seems to prioritise them over you because he's still desperate for acceptance and wants to belong. Which is perfectly normal....but his family are never going to give him that. Until he accepts this he's always going to be conflicted between the two and the only people affected will be you and the dc.

I think you've been used a convenient scapegoat for them to justify and continue their shitty treatment of DH.
They use your dc to play their games, this wedding being a case in point.
Yet you both keep seeking their approval.
You're never going to get it.
The favouritism will only become more obvious when sil has her own dc.

If dh wants to keep 'trying' with them then i suppose that's his call.....but i think you and your dc could do with stronger boundaries.
that I got no end of telling off from MIL for taking ds to a hospital appointment in school time
Why do you even allow her this much involvement in your/dc personal business?
I would have shut that convo down right away - why allow her an opinion re your dc when she obviously doesn't give two shits about them?

Hillarious · 05/02/2019 12:15

Don't go, OP. It's obvious the whole wedding has been planned purely with the intention of making it as difficult as possible for you to attend.

Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 12:24

Smile and nod let your dh book 4am flights for him and the kids if he wants but you're not going.
If mil calls let him deal with it.

RandomMess · 05/02/2019 12:31

4am flights so airport for 3am up at 2am...

Utterly insane!

ohohoops · 05/02/2019 12:53

I think camping is actually very suitable for kids so I wouldn't be too offended about that. But you clearly don't like them (and it sounds pretty justified!) so I would just say that you can't take the kids out of school. They must have know that could be an issue if they choose a term time date. I would probably encourage your husband to go if he wants to, otherwise you will always be blamed as the "one who made DB miss my wedding". And it is a big deal to miss a sibling's wedding. But if he can't be bothered, because of how they treat you all, that is fine too. If your MIL asks - just agree with her that is it so sad but obviously a term time wedding would never have been possible. Don't torture yourself that they have done it on purpose - they are probably just too selfish to take your needs into consideration. They want this wedding, on this date and aren't that bothered if you are there are not.

IAmWonderWoman · 05/02/2019 13:03

Fuck this being the bigger person. Why? Why bother? They aren’t going to change if you decide to go (I know you’ve declined). They aren’t going to magically change their behaviour after 17 years.

It must be heart breaking for your DH but he has to concentrate on his own little family and stop trying to please them. They don’t give a shit. They are never going to give a shit. If he desperately still wants to go then he goes by himself.

I would also cut MIL down every time she makes a comment. Stop letting her talk to you like shit, just don’t engage.

theworldistoosmall · 05/02/2019 13:16

Yes, some kids might love camping, the mud and the rest of it. But some of you are missing one important detail. Where are the kids supposed to get cleaned up with no running water?

I say some kids as mine hated it. And that was with running water and toilets. Cannot imagine anything worse than having no access to water.

BeanTownNancy · 05/02/2019 14:26

I'd probably ask the school for a letter refusing to allow them to go and then just shrug and smile sweetly. "Oh dear!"

SilverySurfer · 05/02/2019 14:29

Personally I would go because I think that will piss off your SiL more than not going. However, I wouldn't camp - book into a nearby hotel - get through the wedding and then go NC. Don't waste your energy on these idiots.

RB68 · 05/02/2019 14:32

take the time off, dress the kids as superheroes and feed them dolly mixtures for 24 hrs before hand, arrive and release. And if you could adopt two or three rescue dogs take them too, plus any alcoholic over the top rellies you can bring along "as they needed a lift" go for it. THEN when they are having photos done pop to the local pub(s) and invite the regulars up....

Hollowvictory · 05/02/2019 14:35

@BeanTownNancy school can decline to authorise absence but that does not stop anyone taking unauthorised absence. So that's a waste of time. I take my children out of school unauthorised every year. And no I haven't been fined.

theworldistoosmall · 05/02/2019 14:36

Shame some haven't bothered to read the op's update.

HER DH HAS ALREADY DECLINED THE INVITE

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 05/02/2019 14:45

Part of me thinks that if your kids might enjoy it, I would go but stay in a hotel, ( spend the wedding gift money on accommodation).

Dress the kids in washable party clothes and wellies and if it rains; leave!

BeanTownNancy · 05/02/2019 14:54

@theworldistoosmall

Her husband has refused the invite, but at last update was still trying to weasel around it by booking a 4am flight. Thus, I would stubbornly stick with "the school won't allow it".

@Hollowvictory

The MIL has already kicked up a stink about absence from school so I thought a letter would add weight to the argument against attending. Not to mention that plenty of people do get fined - you are very fortunate that you haven't, (and long may it continue! I'm against the fines generally) so the fines are a very real risk and something to take into consideration.

LagunaBubbles · 05/02/2019 15:07

Seriously why do you keep trying with these people? You need to stop. Abusive calls from MIL you hang up on her. These people don't and never will care.

Drum2018 · 05/02/2019 15:18

Don't answer the phone to your MIL again and tell your Dh to grow a pair if she rings him to complain. Tell him to feel free to spend a night travelling in order to have a shit day at a shitty wedding where he will be made feel like an outsider anyway. He has a chance to break away and build on a wonderful life with you and your dc without any further influence from these oafs. Hopefully he will see the light soon.

Consolidatedyourloins · 05/02/2019 15:27

Why did you pay for their hotel OP?

I hope you aren't giving the twats a present?

SilverySurfer · 05/02/2019 16:38

theworldistoosmall
Shame some haven't bothered to read the op's update.
HER DH HAS ALREADY DECLINED THE INVITE

I know and I did but I would tell her I've changed my mind and will be attending.