Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with SIL and wedding

130 replies

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 17:42

Evening!
Just wanted to get a gauge on if I'm being waaaaaayyyy too sensitive (currently pmt ing) or if it's OK to feel the way I do.

Background is that neither DH or I are paticularly close to any of ILs mainly due to us being excluded quite a lot from family events. We have tried time and time again to have a better relationship with MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL x2, but they don't seem to enjoy family oriented activities and feel that we and our 3dc "cramp their style" (direct quote from MIL) on the occasions we try to do something adult and more to their liking (no other kids in the family). We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no. They can also be quite unkind with their criticism of me and the kids. DH will always stick up for us all but this causes more friction.

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try.

Fast forward to SIL wedding. She is adamant she wants the dc there and asked there a time of year that would suit us best and fit in with dcs at school. SIL and ILs live a very long distance from us, not a distance you could travel in a day. Initially I was quite surprised that 1. They wanted the dc there and 2. They were trying to make it easy to attend, but I thought we may have turned a corner with our relationship.

So... today.... wedding plans are out...
It's midweek
Mid term
VERY very short notice
Other end of the country
Totally unsuitable venue for children
But they all cannot wait to see the dcs

FFS. I'm quite pissed off.
Should I tell her to ram it or should I suck it up, leave the kids off school a few days with 'd and v' and go.

BTW this is the same SIL and future BIL who didn't even send us a card on our wedding day 😠

OP posts:
LondonBelongsToMe · 05/02/2019 07:45

I’ve never sent a wedding card- but op do you mean they attended, have a gift but sent no card or didn’t attend/ send gift or card?

Holidayshopping · 05/02/2019 07:46

Is everyone expected to camp for 2 nights with no running water? In England? Which month?

How will they all get ready for the wedding?

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 08:03

Tell your DH that if he wants to pay the attendance fines and look after three children in the mud he's very welcome to go ahead, but you'll be in a local hotel.

SaturdayNext · 05/02/2019 08:04

We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no.

To be honest, I'd be grateful.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/02/2019 08:08

Fuck that shit! It would be a huge no from me!

Lucisky · 05/02/2019 08:08

Aargh camping. No!
I honestly can't see many people accepting their invitations for this. It's not just your children and school, it's people's work too. Who want to take annual leave to like like a caveman in a muddy field for a few days?
Decline politely. I bet you won't be the only one.
(Or is it only you they are putting in a tent?!)

Lucisky · 05/02/2019 08:09

*live like

SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2019 08:10

I don't mind camping, I don't mind a wedding but both at the same time? Hell no!

diddl · 05/02/2019 08:11

"Sorry to be blunt but they don't want you there. "

Do they want anyone there???

Lalliella · 05/02/2019 08:12

I would definitely go. For 2 main reasons. 1) to spite your SIL who clearly doesn’t want you there. 2) because camping is a fantastic adventure for children and they will love the experience. I wouldn’t lie to the school, I’d be honest and say there’s a family wedding you want to take them to. And I wouldn’t be too strict with disciplining the DCs’ behaviour whilst you’re there if you get my drift!

HomoHeinekenensis · 05/02/2019 08:23

It is clear they don't want you and yours there. They could not have made it clearer. I would take the kids camping at another time when the weather is set fair and a good time is guaranteed being as that is what your DH wants. No way would I be attending. I would adopt the moral high ground by sending a polite decline all the same and then just chalk this up to yet another in a long series of weirdnesses from them.
If MIL gets snotty I would say something like, "But in the past you have had issue with the kids being pulled out of school. You can't have it both ways". Shut down every argument with how you see it. Engage minimally though is my advice. They sound awful.

Soubriquet · 05/02/2019 08:30

It would be a hell no from me just from the camping in March thing

It will be freezing!!

If your dh really wants to go, let him go. Alone

Don’t let the kids suffer for his stubborness. Maybe when he realises he wasn’t really wanted, his nose will re-appear from the back ends of his family

serenoa · 05/02/2019 08:45

Hmmm… I'm fairly new here so maybe I don't have the general mood of the forums yet. As a cussed old cow (apologies to cows), I'd reply, preferably on Facebook or Insta if there's a family group, along the lines of 'We gave you the info you asked for about when it's possible for us to be there, and you made sure you picked a date we definitely couldn't. A camping wedding? You're out of your tree, darling. Message received and understood. Over and out.'

If I'd had that history with family, that 'out' would be my very last one; NC thereafter. Definitely don't take the kids out of school; MiL is right, their time at school is too precious. DH can go if he wants to.

A camp site is the venue of choice and it has only this one vacancy all year? And a camp site with not even a standpipe or a source of power, or toilets? Really? The bride is going to dig her own latrine is she, or is that the groom's job?

AutumnCrow is right; someone's taking the piss.

Soubriquet · 05/02/2019 08:53

I’d actually be a little worried that you’re stuck out in the sticks, cold and wet, whilst the rest of the family are in a nice cosy hotel laughing at how gullible you all are for believing it would be in a cold wet field with no running water

nothinglikeadame · 05/02/2019 09:21

Don't go, you will be a complete mug if you do.

They asked you about school dates so they could DELIBERATELY arrange it when you couldn't go. I hope you can see that.

Don't play their games or waste anymore time on this toxic relationship. Certainly don't lie to school and have your kids lie as well.

If your DH wants to go, let him, but you are being incredibly foolish if you drag the kids into this.

PregnantSea · 05/02/2019 09:38

I just wouldn't go. They didn't even send you a card for yours?

Don't kick off about it though, just be gracious and politely decline. It's someone's wedding afterall, and it's ultimately their decision how they do it.

timeisnotaline · 05/02/2019 09:45

Look on the bright side. Quite possibly no one will go to that - I wouldn’t go to a midweek camping holiday in March with no notice and I like camping! But I don’t like freezing or other people expecting me to use my holidays to suit them at short notice.
Don’t go. say to mil you never know when dd will need another hospital appointment and school time is so precious, you can’t afford him to lose any unless it’s life saving.
I totally see the ‘go and let your children run wild because it’s exactly what sil doesn’t want’but I wouldn’t bother. I wouldn’t bother at all from here on.

Drum2018 · 05/02/2019 09:47

If your husband wishes to belittle himself by pandering to these vile people then let him off. However you can make the decision to never see or speak to them again. You married him, not his family. Have a bit of dignity - I wouldn't even reply to their wedding invite, let alone send a card.

MamaLovesMango · 05/02/2019 10:01

Well, it does sound like the perfect wedding for children to attend (ever had to entertain small kids whilst sitting through a 3course dinner, coffee, speeches and cake cutting, in a hot marquee/hotel room?! It’s hell.)

However....

I’d not even be entertaining going out of my way so massively for people that treat me with such little respect. They had the chance to make it work and they chose not to take it, so it’s tough tits really. In not so many words you’ve already told them you can’t attend with the kids because you told them when you would be able to attend and this isn’t it.

It does sound like your DH is deep in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and that’s a real problem for your family.

nothinglikeadame · 05/02/2019 10:03

Have a bit of dignity

Just this. Decline politely stating your real reasons. Have as a little to do with them as possible. Life is too short.

oh4forkssake · 05/02/2019 10:05

A midweek wedding? In a field? Not in summer? In a field? With children?

No. Just no.

TheLostTargaryen · 05/02/2019 10:09

I'm another one joining in the chorus of "Fuck no, please don't go!"

Don't send a card. Reply by text thanking her for the invite but as SIL is aware of the dates available to you, you must decline and stay home with the children, after all, MIL has in the past been adamant about the children never missing school and you wouldn't want to cause any concern to her.

I want to say your DH should go to address any snidely talk about you in your absence but as you say he goes along with their shit I would be more concerned about him having poison dropped in his ear and him coming home with you as the unreasonable party.

eddielizzard · 05/02/2019 10:51

Ignore it all. Now is a great time to go NC. They all sound horribly toxic.

Your dh can go and camp in a miserable field, freezing away with no electricity. Sounds great!

Original poster
Chopbob · 05/02/2019 11:01

Dh has politely declined the invitation this am. He's spoken to SIL. He didn't make a big deal of it just explained that due to timing we wouldn't be able to make it.
She was apparently a bit (lot) snippy.
I'm just waiting for the phone calls from MIL now saying how awful we all are. It will definitely be my fault too. Wicked DIL lol
I'm sure dh will try to make it work though he was looking at flights this morning too and saying we could just get up at 4 am to fly there on the day and they fly back that night so only 1 day missed. He's mad.

LondonBelongsToMe
They attended our full wedding, fancy hotel rooms all paid for, and gave neither a card, gift or a fuck you. And SIL got wasted on free champagne and abused my elderly grandad 😕 but that's another thread altogether lol
I don't expect a gift at all but just a cheap card- it's the thought that counts!

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 05/02/2019 11:07

I believe the expression with regards to your MIL is "to send flying monkeys", try to ignore them.