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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu with SIL and wedding

130 replies

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 17:42

Evening!
Just wanted to get a gauge on if I'm being waaaaaayyyy too sensitive (currently pmt ing) or if it's OK to feel the way I do.

Background is that neither DH or I are paticularly close to any of ILs mainly due to us being excluded quite a lot from family events. We have tried time and time again to have a better relationship with MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL x2, but they don't seem to enjoy family oriented activities and feel that we and our 3dc "cramp their style" (direct quote from MIL) on the occasions we try to do something adult and more to their liking (no other kids in the family). We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no. They can also be quite unkind with their criticism of me and the kids. DH will always stick up for us all but this causes more friction.

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try.

Fast forward to SIL wedding. She is adamant she wants the dc there and asked there a time of year that would suit us best and fit in with dcs at school. SIL and ILs live a very long distance from us, not a distance you could travel in a day. Initially I was quite surprised that 1. They wanted the dc there and 2. They were trying to make it easy to attend, but I thought we may have turned a corner with our relationship.

So... today.... wedding plans are out...
It's midweek
Mid term
VERY very short notice
Other end of the country
Totally unsuitable venue for children
But they all cannot wait to see the dcs

FFS. I'm quite pissed off.
Should I tell her to ram it or should I suck it up, leave the kids off school a few days with 'd and v' and go.

BTW this is the same SIL and future BIL who didn't even send us a card on our wedding day 😠

OP posts:

DanglyBangly · 04/02/2019 18:17

Just send your regrets and say the children are at school. Don’t go but don’t be rude about it. Keep the moral high ground.

Leeds2 · 04/02/2019 18:21

If I had suitable local childcare, I would probably ask them to look after the DC for a couple of days, and take them to school. I would then go to the wedding with DH.
If this isn't possible, or you don't want to go, I would get DH to go by himself. Then they can't say he missed his sibling's wedding, and he can explain to any interested guests why you and the DC aren't there.

DanglyBangly · 04/02/2019 18:21

I wouldn't go. It'll potentially cause you a lot of bother with school, possibly involve you having to get your children to lie at school about why they were absent (which is really unfair on them), it's inconvenient to get to and probably costly. And all for relatives that don't actually like you. It won't improve your relationship if you do go. It'll just be an awkward day and the following day things will be exactly the same with them as they've always been, ie crap.

Wise words. Read this one twice, OP.

Iloveacurry · 04/02/2019 18:22

How does your DH feel about it? You say that they didn’t even get you a card on your wedding, but did they go to your wedding?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 04/02/2019 18:26

I'd agree don't go, say school won't allow the time off.

I'd put this information in a wedding regrets card that arrives a few days before the wedding, along with a five pound note as a gift.
Fairly sure they will get the message just as you have been forced to by their unbelievably insulting 'invitation'.

sackrifice · 04/02/2019 18:27

A card. For a wedding? Is that another thing I have never done but have been judged for.

Anyhow. Ask the school for 3 days authorised leave for a wedding and then when they refuse say 'oh dear we can't come, what a shame you didn't look at the dates we said would be ok for the kids to attend'.

CantWaitToRetire · 04/02/2019 18:29

Sensible me wouldn't go. I wouldn't send a card or gift either.

Wicked me would go and take the three DC. I'd keep them awake so they're nice and grouchy and likely to cry/play up during the wedding ceremony .

RandomMess · 04/02/2019 18:32

Geez I wouldn't bother, all about appearances. If someone would look after the DC I'd go with DH but no way would I pay fines etc to go.

I wouldn't feel about not going if that's what you decide.

TulipsInbloom1 · 04/02/2019 18:34

Yanbu in not going. I wouldnt if I were you. Id leave dh to decide if he wanted to attend alone.

Eliza9917 · 04/02/2019 18:35

I wouldn't go either.

Surfskatefamily · 04/02/2019 18:37

Theyv purposly done the opposite of what was convenient. Clearly dont want you there so if i were you i wouldnt go

Pocketfull · 04/02/2019 18:55

Ahh ignore the PA comments OP and just be glad you don’t have to spend a day with your self obsessed ILs gushing about how beautiful the bride looks.

user1496259972 · 04/02/2019 19:14

I would go. You can get permission to take the children out of school for an aunt/uncle’s wedding.

I have a similar relationship with my family. I make a bit of effort for the big events but mostly keep them at arms length and not try and involve them any more.

theworldistoosmall · 04/02/2019 19:37

Most schools would deny the request.

SushiMonster · 04/02/2019 19:50

See if you can get friends to take the children for the night, and you and dH go to the wedding. I wouldn’t take the children.

Original poster

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 19:52

I have spoken to dh about it tonight. We have said it has to be his decision ultimately but he also is pretty upset with SIL but also ILs too as they fully support sis and think WABU.
It must feel pretty crap for him to feel such a low priority for his family.
I won't be pulling dc out of school I'm sure of that now due to the mumsnet massive 😃
The most annoying part for me is that I got no end of telling off from MIL for taking ds to a hospital appointment in school time as time in school is so precious.

OP posts:

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 04/02/2019 19:54

Blurgh! Don’t bother. Dh can go if he wants. Message from them, sadly, seems loud and clear.

Original poster

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 19:55

If it was up to me I would have gone NC a long time ago but dh really does want to maintain a relationship . I do generally keep them all at arms length for my own sanity!

OP posts:

HTruffle · 04/02/2019 19:59

No way at all would I be attending!

XiCi · 04/02/2019 20:08

Seriously Sackrifice. You wouldn't even bother your arse to give a card to your own brother on his wedding day? I don't think there's many people that wouldn't do that!

OP I would politely decline and say you couldn't get authorisation from school. They clearly haven't considered you in their plans. Or if you wanted to build bridges could you go alone and leave the kids with your family for a couple of days?

BlondeViking · 04/02/2019 20:20

I would go without a doubt!

Obviously she doesn't want you there and it does come across that she is jealous of you and DH and your beautiful family, is she going through any infertility problems? Either way I would dress myself and my family up to the nines, be totally loved up with DH all night, laughing and dancing with our children and have the time of our lives! She on the other hand will look like the stressed out bitch she is, trying to keep everyone happy all day and night, weddings are stressful remember. Everyone will notice who the happier couple is don't worry.

You could even wear white

AutumnCrow · 04/02/2019 20:22

DP has extended family like this.

We'd probably tell them, on Facebook, we can't wait as we've just bought a Campervan (cut and paste a photo from the internet) and will be staying in it with the kids in the venue grounds for five days.

See who blinks first.

Soubriquet · 04/02/2019 20:27

What do you mean not suitable for children?

I personally wouldn’t go tbh, but if it’s somewhere really child unfriendly, I definitely wouldn’t go

Original poster

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 20:33

**What do you mean not suitable for children?

I can't say too much- way to outing lol

Think very 'alternative'. Lots of mud. Fire pits 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 21:01

Oh my days. It gets even better. We are expected to camp for 2 night. No running water or electricity.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Just had words now with dh because he's now resorted to rationalising it all... the kids will love it, it's only a few days off school, what does it matter if no running water.
No.no.no.no.no.no.

It just really hurts that dh always prioritises all of ILs over his our family. He didn't even tell them that it would be an issue due to school/distance/unsuitable for small children/short notice. Just nodded along and agreed.
It makes me so mad! I hate that we will probably argue about it 😠

OP posts:

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