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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu with SIL and wedding

130 replies

Chopbob · 04/02/2019 17:42

Evening!
Just wanted to get a gauge on if I'm being waaaaaayyyy too sensitive (currently pmt ing) or if it's OK to feel the way I do.

Background is that neither DH or I are paticularly close to any of ILs mainly due to us being excluded quite a lot from family events. We have tried time and time again to have a better relationship with MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL x2, but they don't seem to enjoy family oriented activities and feel that we and our 3dc "cramp their style" (direct quote from MIL) on the occasions we try to do something adult and more to their liking (no other kids in the family). We are never invited on 'their' family holidays- we ask them to come with us and they say no. They can also be quite unkind with their criticism of me and the kids. DH will always stick up for us all but this causes more friction.

Even so I would still like to have a relationship with all of them because they are family and so we continue to try.

Fast forward to SIL wedding. She is adamant she wants the dc there and asked there a time of year that would suit us best and fit in with dcs at school. SIL and ILs live a very long distance from us, not a distance you could travel in a day. Initially I was quite surprised that 1. They wanted the dc there and 2. They were trying to make it easy to attend, but I thought we may have turned a corner with our relationship.

So... today.... wedding plans are out...
It's midweek
Mid term
VERY very short notice
Other end of the country
Totally unsuitable venue for children
But they all cannot wait to see the dcs

FFS. I'm quite pissed off.
Should I tell her to ram it or should I suck it up, leave the kids off school a few days with 'd and v' and go.

BTW this is the same SIL and future BIL who didn't even send us a card on our wedding day 😠

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 04/02/2019 21:03

Choose not to argue. Choose not to go but if he and the kids want to go, fine. There's nothing further to discuss.

Iloveacurry · 04/02/2019 21:13

God no, I would hate that too. Definitely wouldn’t go.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 04/02/2019 21:20

Oh fuck that.

It’s a wedding, not a fucking test of endurance.

A midweek camping wedding- honest to god they must have deliberately tried to come up with THE most inconvenient wedding for their guests possible.

theworldistoosmall · 04/02/2019 21:35

Well if he really wants to go he can ask the school for permission, take them and you can relax at home for a few days.

No running water so no washing or toilet facilities as well?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 04/02/2019 21:39

Hell noooooooooooo

Also the poster who said the relationship will be just the same if you go as if you don’t go i.e. crap is 10000000% right

Nativityriot · 04/02/2019 21:44

How many people are invited? As I’m struggling to see how this would be fun/convenient for anyone!

Do you think she will ‘get it’ more when she has kids or is it all far beyond that now?

Purpleartichoke · 04/02/2019 21:47

A camping wedding? I’m not sure I could force myself to do that for anyone.

Is there any sort of lodging within an hour or two drive?

Caterinaballerina · 04/02/2019 21:49

It’s unlikely you will do this because it’s petty and that’s them not you, but it’s fun to imagine! Could you agree your DH will go but send a vaguely worded rsvp that implies you are all attending but then not turn up ‘because you thought it was obvious the kids and in turn you couldn’t come because of then term time date’

HermioneWeasley · 04/02/2019 21:50

It’s camping and it’s “short notice” - so before end of March? They’re mental/don’t want guest

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 04/02/2019 22:05

So-
Mean relatives
Days off work
Travel
School fines
No running water
No beds
No roof
No proper toilet
Sharing non-proper toilet with said relatives
Self catering. On a campfire.
Safety concerns over the fire
Cold weather
Wanky wedding shite

Sounds perfect Grin

burblife · 04/02/2019 22:07

Sorry to be blunt but they don't want you there.

Otherwise they wouldn't have planned it mid week when they know you won't be able to attend. This is about them having control as, either you attend without DC, but it's not their fault, or you don't go, but again, it's your choice, not their fault.

Try not to argue with DP. It's hard being under the FOG. Just make it clear what your preference is and give him time to come to a decision.

Highonthehill · 04/02/2019 22:08

How are people meant to get ready for a wedding with no shower facilities or ways to do hair etc.... are you all meant to be dressing up as stig of the dump... attending a caveman wedding???

I would go and book a nice hotel nearby... rock up all dressed up looking amazing and if anyone asks where the children are loudly announce that their grandmother said their education was too important to take them out of school for any occasion so sadly they have stayed at home with X

MotherofTerriers · 04/02/2019 22:09

Don’t go. If your dh wants to go, fine. If he wants to take the kids, let him ask school for permission and pay the fine. And deal with the lack of running water.

AutumnCrow · 04/02/2019 22:10

Well someone's taking the piss ...

Gooseysgirl · 05/02/2019 06:25

Refer you back to the post about hiring a campervan 🤣 Seriously though, they all sound bonkers!! (Although I would be tempted to go... fill my children with chocolate and let them loose on the wedding for the day 😈)

Angrybird345 · 05/02/2019 06:54

No way!!!!

Neverunderfed · 05/02/2019 07:05

I can't think of a wedding that sounds more suitable for kids surely? Open space, camping, mud. Kids fucking love that.

Anyhow, I wouldn't go. Yanbu to be pissed off at the dates etc.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/02/2019 07:11

I don't want to go and I'm an adult.

Who the hell thinks having a camping wedding at anytime bar July/August is a good idea.

Well their wedding will be something to remember won't it. It be the time that those that go will come back with colds/chills.

Neverunderfed · 05/02/2019 07:14

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to go and I like camping, but most kids I know would love it.

Laurasimone · 05/02/2019 07:24

I would send a nice card to sil wishing her congrats and explaining that it just won't be possible for you and kids to attend.
Keep it brief. Don't get into long discussions with her or mil about why etc.
Keep repeating (If criticised) 'I'm sorry you feel this way'
You have tried to be a good family member but most important is your children. I would be concerned not to put them in a situation where potentially you or they would be insulted, criticised or put down.
If they are school age they are old enough to pick up on these things. Why put them through it.
Sorry for you. Not nice at all

Awrite · 05/02/2019 07:26

You won't be the only ones not going.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 05/02/2019 07:29

Send DH alone to this camping wedding.
( I hope it rains)

junebirthdaygirl · 05/02/2019 07:40

As they obviously don't want your dc there l would go. Book into a local hotel and let your dc run wild in the mud all day. Don't even bother telling them to behave. Keep smiling and saying..its lovely to see the children happy. Then back to your cosy hotel for a shower and bed.
Not going will be right up their alley so don't give them that.
After the wedding do not ask them to join ye on holidays etc. Just see them twice a year to check they are still alive. I hope you have a supportive family yourself.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 05/02/2019 07:41

She doesn't want you there. So I would accept the invitation and tell them how much you are all looking forward to sharing their happy day.
Then I'd be ill on the day and not turn up.

However you must know why they all avoid you, if it was just one is think if it was them, 2 I'd wonder if it is me but all of them.......

Spidersbaby · 05/02/2019 07:44

I'm not sure I could make such an effort with people who clearly go out of their way to exclude you. Although I do understand why your dh wants to keep some kind of relationship going.

I think I'd not be able to bite my tongue with the PiL though if they dare snipe at you.