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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown adults getting upset over Facebook isn't normal.

362 replies

FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 13:54

I know I'm not being unreasonable, 99% sure of it, but I'm losing my mind over the incredulous nature of this. I'm dumbstruck that this is an issue and need advice.

I had a falling out with a relative on my husband's side. I shared a meme about enjoying solitude and liking my own company and they thought it was targeted at them, I explained that it wasn't but they weren't having it. I ignored their behaviour because honestly I was baffled that a grown adult would read that into someone's post let alone accuse them of it to their face.

I subsequently placed that person on restricted to avoid future arguments. I don't like Facebook drama, or this sort of drama in general and have no time for it, so I did this to ensure it wouldn't happen again.

They have found out I've done this and gone bazerk. Calling me childish, rude, that I'm picking on them, that I hate them.

I really hate this sort of thing. Short of deleting my entire profile, which I don't see why I should have to do, I don't know how to resolve this without that person being offended.

Were they not a relative of my husband's I'd tell them to sod off. I've never met adults like this!

OP posts:
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Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 16:04

Gina so then there's no winning is there. Either I have to stop sharing things I find funny, I share them but they get upset or they get upset because they can't see them

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 16:04

How is putting them on restricted adding flames
Because a situation has emerged based on your passive aggressive posting and then your response to being challenged over it is to flounce and essentially block them under the self-righteous view that you're saving their little snowflake selves.

They overreacted in how they handled it but I entirely understand how they drew the conclusion they did. After all you turned down an invite because you couldn't be bothered going and then posted something 'hilarious' about how funny it is to turn down invites with people. The way people who are rude share things about how funny it is that they 'tell it like it is'.

The more mature and sensible way to deal with it would be to say 'you know what, it wasn't intended to be personal but I see your point. Sorry for any offence let's move on'. But you didnt.
For someone who seems to judge others for being offended online, you seem to have a knack for using social media to piss people off.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 16:07

Maisy I did explain it wasn't about them but they weren't having it.

I'm not someone who shares racist sexist or homophobic stuff and then calls anyone who disagrees with it a snowflake. I haven't flounced. I've made sure they can't see things which cause problems.

You say that as if there was something wrong with me turning down an invite too.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:07

Now they can see next to nothing on your timeline so I'm imagining they feel even more hurt and shut out

Or, as an option, they could GROW UP.

They could stop looking at FB and assuming everything is about them. They could just ignore stuff and move on. They might consider that someone post things they are not doing it to 'have a go'.

Do you really think like that? Oh she's put that up to upset me. Oh she has posted this to have a go.

You won't get upset if you don't look. Problem solved.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:10

The advice we give to adolescents is to stop looking and to focus on your own life and don't worry about what other people are doing.

Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 16:11

Exactly mouse. I post for a laugh or a thought provoking discussion. None of which I want to spill over into my life. People take things really seriously where to me it's simply an interest.

OP posts:
JemSynergy · 03/02/2019 16:16

According to my facebook feed no one really uses it anymore, full of sponsored ads and a few four day old statuses from those who still even bother to update their posts. I would love to deactivate my facebook but I follow the pages to my children's school once that's over I will be deactivating for sure.

PuppyMonkey · 03/02/2019 16:17

OP, you can’t just dismiss the person’s reaction by saying “well I post a lot of memes on FB, s/he ought to know I do that do shouldn’t take offence.” That specific meme has caused offence because of the sentiment and because of the timing.

And then to block the person or restrict or whatever saying “well I want to be able to post memes” is bizarre. The person was offended by that one particular meme. Not all memes.Confused

I accept you didn’t realise the original meme might be offensive. But it was, just say sorry and carry on with your life. No need to block people for not getting your memes and be a twat about it.Grin

Ullupullu · 03/02/2019 16:21

Did everyone else miss the MASSIVE drip feed that OP apparently has Asperger's?

OP is being frustratingly obtuse by refusing to see why posting the meme offended the relative and, on top of that, why the relative is offended by being put on restricted settings, but apparently OP will never empathise despite it being explained over and over here on this thread because of her condition. Quit trying to explain. She isn't willing to understand.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 16:22

FacebookFeud
Nothing wrong in declining an invite.
Quite a bit wrong with then sharing passive aggressive memes laughing about turning down invites.
If you've spoken to them over this issue then you have to accept they've been hurt by it or they find your conduct rude. They haven't said they hate all memes. Putting them on restricted is just another way of causing drama (especially given their original response was unusually heated for one issue).

Generally on situations like this there's a final straw so i would wonder what else has been 'not so funny shared' and other previous events.

I've drifted from people in real life and removed from social media based on things they've shared that they've considered to be funny. It got to the point where I decided what they consider to be funny, I consider to be rude and obnoxious and passive aggressive.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:23

I accept you didn’t realise the original meme might be offensive

No it really wasn't. I wasn't offended by it.

It is only offensive if you look (why are you looking at the FB of someone you are annoyed with?) and once you have looked decided that the meme is about you.

Yes someone is posting all about ME. They might possibly be posting for another reason but I think it is about ME. I have no proof just a tenuous timing link and I think they are doing this to offend ME. The whole world and all of FB is about ME.

If you don't want to be offended don't look. Simple.

Gina2012 · 03/02/2019 16:25

Gina so then there's no winning is there. Either I have to stop sharing things I find funny, I share them but they get upset or they get upset because they can't see them

It's not about winning.

It's about understanding and compassion

And if you refuse to see how intransigent your either/or black and white scenario is, then imo you shouldn't be interacting on social media

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 16:26

Moussemoose
Things people share show up in news feeds. The reason people share memes etc is so the people on their list can see it (why else would there be thousands of shares like 'I deserve to be treated like a princess / if you can't handle me at my worst you dont deserve me at my best'.

I think the relatives over-reacted initially but totally get why they came to the conclusion they did.

Instead of placing the onus on people to not be offended, it's generally easier for people not to share passive aggressive nonsense on social media and then complain when people take it that way.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 03/02/2019 16:27

I saw that @Ullupullu but have had my arse handed to me on several threads on this subject so decided not to comment on this aspect of the thread.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:27

We tell 16 year olds, if you don't like it don't look.

We tell adolescents if you get easily offended be careful with social media.

When people post they are not thinking about you. You are not the centre of the world.

This is the advice we give to arguing teenagers.

Why are adults engaging with this as if it is anything but gossipy nonsense?

PuppyMonkey · 03/02/2019 16:28

Come again, Mousse?Confused

ememem84 · 03/02/2019 16:32

I’ve had a few people text me in the last week about Facebook. I’ve deleted it from my phone and am trying not to use it for a month. So 1 March I’ll log back in.

The messages have been along the lines of “why haven’t you liked xyz...” “have you blocked me?!”

I explained Facebook break. They replied “but you didn’t post anything letting everyone know...” didn’t realise I had to effectively out of office my Facebook.

PorkPatrol · 03/02/2019 16:32

I think what you’re missing here is that it’s not that the meme is particularly offensive but 100% about the timing of you posting it shortly after declining their invitation. That is what makes it look like it was aimed at them whether that was your intention or not.
So for eg I might post a meme about people who voted for Brexit being stupid. But if I did that a day after having a conversation with someone who told me they’d voted leave it would look like the meme was aimed at them. I wouldn’t be particularly bothered by that tbh but if it was someone I was keen not to offend I probably wouldn’t post it.
Had you posted your meme a few weeks ago or in a few weeks I doubt any offence would have been taken.
That said I wouldn’t have said anything to you about it if it was me. But I absolutely would have thought it was aimed at me in the circumstances you describe.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:36

I work with teenagers. They often have arguments just like this about social media.

We have to try to calm them down and restore peace. We teach lessons on social media.

The advice we give is to take responsibility for what you read and what you post. If you choose to read something you might be offended, if you choose not to you won't be offended. People post things for lots of reasons they are not always about you.

If someone does post about you if you get upset you give them power. If you ignore them and control your reactions then any unpleasantness reflects upon them not you.

This is what we say to children it's a shame adults don't behave like this.

MaisyPops · 03/02/2019 16:36

We tell 16 year olds, if you don't like it don't look.
We tell adolescents if you get easily offended be careful with social media.
When people post they are not thinking about you. You are not the centre of the world.
This is the advice we give to arguing teenagers.
Speak for yourself.

The advice given to teenagers in every setting I've worked in has been:

  1. Social media can be used positively and negatively
  2. If you've not got anything nice to say then you're better off not posting it.
  3. Social media can cause as many issues as it solves so think twice before posting photos/posts/jokes/shares. Be aware of your digital footprint. Remember you are responsible for the content you post (e.g. what is to be gained by posting passive aggressive 'true friends...' when It's known you've fallen out with someone that week)
  4. If you're unable to have sensible and polite interactions on social media then remove and block the people and stop the friendship.
  5. If you feel unsafe online then report it to an adult, social media platform or use the CEOP buttons.
Original poster
FacebookFeud · 03/02/2019 16:38

I understand she may have thought it was aimed at her but when I said it wasn't, she continued, and I then hid the memes from her it's surely her who's being silly.

OP posts:
BIgBagofJelly · 03/02/2019 16:39

Of course the meme wasn't offensive but the timing of it obviously made it look like it was with reference to you turning down your relative's invite so it's obvious why she took offence. (I wouldn't have personally have cared but other people are more sensitive).

Since it was just a silly meme and not something important it probably would have been better to not post it in this case. I would just be a bit more sensitive in the future and aware of who will see your posts. It's silly to think that just because something happens on Facebook it's not going to upset anyone. If I see picture of all my friends or all my family at an event I wasn't invited to I'll be upset whether their posted on Facebook or framed on someone's living room wall.

Moussemoose · 03/02/2019 16:40

And the OP obeyed all those guidelines.

Her meme was not offensive, it was not rude.

There is an oblique timing issue if you are looking to be offended.

Do you really not teach about resilience if you read something offensive? You only teach report?

PuppyMonkey · 03/02/2019 16:41

But the OP usually posts funny memes about cats etc. The person wouldn’t know she was about to read the (arguably) personally insulting meme until she read it. It was too late by then to “not read it.”

OP meant no offence, but just be nice about it - no need to be a drama llama and block people.

Ullupullu · 03/02/2019 16:43

OP why do you keep saying she is being silly and childish? You refused an invitation and then posted a meme about refusing invitations to parties. Why refuse to accept how she might view things? Is this not a learning experience?