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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 17:31

Surely respeçt works both ways? How is an adult child sharing a bed with their partner, disrespectful?

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2019 17:34

If you are such an adult, you are independent financially and have your own place. if you still live with mummy and daddy, you follow the house rules of their home

Yeah that isn’t the definition of adult.....

My ex left home at 15, he was independent financially. He wasn’t an adult...

I often read threads on MN and it reinforces how grateful I am for how amazing my parents are!

BlancheM · 03/02/2019 17:35

Tbf, if I could hear one of my kids having sex right next door to my room, I wouldn't feel very respected. I'd be mortified.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 17:39

Tbf, if I could hear one of my kids having sex right next door to my room, I wouldn't feel very respected, I'd feel mortified

We all would, and probably not as mortified as the people having sex, but that's not what has occurred, not is it what the thread is about.

BlancheM · 03/02/2019 17:40

No it isn't bluntness and I replied earlier.
But many posters were asking why having sex is disrespectful in the family home.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 17:42

JacquesHammer
and so am I grateful for my amazing parents, strict rules and all. Wouldn't change them for the world and we are all a close unit. It worked very well for us.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/02/2019 17:44

If you 'can't' have sex in your home where can you. In a park. In a bus stop. On the beach.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 17:48

Blanche , yes but my point is, thr daughter has not asked to have sex in thr house, thr op has never heard them having sex, and quite frankly it's possibly to have sex and neither leave evidence or be heard.

I personally don't know why posters keep going there. Personally I find it perverse.and hugely disrespectful to thr daughter and her relationship to reduce him staying to this,

Were you fucking like rabbits when you stayed at the in-laws and had them in the next room? For most normal people it's the biggest turn off there is, thinking your parents or in laws could hear you.

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 17:50

I’m really not sure...my parents don’t believe in sex before marriage and have never allowed unmarried people to share a bed. They were divorcees when they met and lived together before marriage so it’s a bit strange. They were horrified when Meghan Markle announced her pregnancy so early in her marriage, thinking at the time that she might have been pregnant at her wedding. I pointed out she was also a divorcee so not a virgin on her wedding day anyway and that times have changed. A lot. The point remains though that I was brought up with this not sharing a bed thing too and I’m 34 so fairly young.

I’m religious but I don’t think, in this day and age, it’s at all fair to expect a couple in a serious relationship to not share a bed. I actually think it’s quite rude.

If my daughter was going to have sex I’d rather she didn’t have to sneak around and be treated like it was some shameful thing that she must hide. It’s her home too and she should be able to share a bed with her boyfriend as long as she keeps the noise down.

Sex is normal. Not disrespectful.

BlueJava · 03/02/2019 17:53

I think YABU, it's her home too. Plus what do you hope to achieve? She is still going to sleep with him why push her away?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 17:56

I met my husband when I was twenty, he was 23. So oretty much the same age as the people in thr op. I first stayed at his parents house and shared a room four months in due to an event nearby we needed to attend.

If I had though for one moment my future in laws were sitting wondering if we were having sex, which we were not, as his parents were in the next room, I'd have been horrified and thought them a pair of right weirdos.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/02/2019 17:57

Yabu, she’s 19!

LittleCandle · 03/02/2019 18:00

When DD2 asked if her boyfriend could stay over when she was about 17/18, I was not keen. However, I was even less keen on the thought of her shagging somewhere outside or unsafe. So we said yes. He did stay over a few times, but they didn't DTD. When I was her age, I took my boyfriend home, but we stayed in separate bedrooms. DF would have thrown me out if he thought I was having sex - and at home! Times were different, but it is your house and your rules.

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2019 18:00

I still don’t understand what there is about the act of consensual sex that is disrespectful.

I mean sure, if you were straddling your partner in the living room during Antiques Roadshow, it might raise an eyebrow. But two adults, in a room?

tierraJ · 03/02/2019 18:02

My parents married at 18 & 20 then lived in my grandparents' spare bedroom for several years which may have been a little embarrassing at times in a small house.

My best friend lived at home until aged 26 & was allowed to have her older boyfriend (now husband) round during the day only.
Imagine their embarrassment when they got a condom stuck in the washing machine & the repair man pulled it out in front of her mum!!

Personally I think the DD if the OP is old enough to have her boyfriend to stay as long as they are quiet they can do what they like in her bedroom.

AlsoBling2 · 03/02/2019 18:22

Funny, dh and I were discussing this earlier. Things have changed. We weren't allowed opposite sex sleepovers and boyfriends would only share my room at parents' if we were living together.

But times have definitely changed and we were saying how it might be odd but we think we will allow it with dc when the time comes. It might feel weird but i think it's appropriate in this day and age.

Purpleartichoke · 03/02/2019 19:01

overnights are a privilege that comes when you get your own place.

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 19:14

What if you genuinely can’t afford your own place until you are 25 or even 30? Should you not have sex until then or just you just do it outside or in loos and cars and stuff?

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 19:15

There have been a few threads recently where apparently I have been a Victorian pearl clutcher due to my views.
Glad to not be one on this thread.

TillyMint81 · 03/02/2019 19:19

I was 23 and my boyfriend 25. We had put a deposit down on our first house. Still had to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed at his parents. Their home their rules.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 19:19

overnights are a privilege that comes when you get your own place.

Why?

I do wonder if the older generation left home earlier for just this reason. Personally I would rather my DD stayed at home until she was ready to move out. Wanting sex isn't really a reason to up stocks and leave.

RhiWrites · 03/02/2019 19:35

What’s wrong with sex between consenting adults? It’s so depressing to hear people viewing it as dirty or disrespectful. I just don’t get this attitude at all.

iklboo · 03/02/2019 19:37

I mean sure, if you were straddling your partner in the living room during Antiques Roadshow, it might raise an eyebrow.

Damnit! That's my Sunday plans ruined.

Arkos · 03/02/2019 19:40

I would like to think I'll be ok with it. Hope so.
Dh and I lived together for a few years before we married and everytime we stayed at my parents we had seperate rooms. I always felt it was a bit childish tbh. Now we are married we can share the same bed
It's not like we would be shagging in their house anyway.

ivykaty44 · 03/02/2019 19:48

I do what I want with my dd in our home and I have reasons as to why I do things my own way. I feel my reasons are valid and dd and me like the set up

If you want to do things your own way in your own home - that’s great, will everyone be happy? Does it concern you if not everyone is happy? What will the actions be to the reaction you have had? Will you be happy with the outcome?

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