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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
Ethel80 · 03/02/2019 14:33

Obviously it's your house but if I had teenage/early 20s kids I'd much rather they felt comfortable in their home and be able to have their partners stay over.

Surely that's better than your 19 y/o deciding to move in with him which she might if thats the only way she can spend nights with him.

What's his living situation?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 14:37

I have had my daughters. Partner to stay, they shared a bed, at no stage were my husband and I sitting thinking I wonder if they are shagging, or I hope they are not shagging, because quite frankly we are not a pair of perverts.

greendale17 · 03/02/2019 14:39

Yanbu
My parents wouldn't allow this. It was something I respected and a boundary I wouldn't push.
It's about respect for you and your home.

^This. Yes she is an adult now, so maybe it’s time for her to move out and get her on place.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 03/02/2019 14:43

All these people saying late teens/early twenties adults should move out and live in their own place, do,you actually understand why that's just not possible these days?

WhatIsTheMeaningOfThis · 03/02/2019 14:48

All these people saying late teens/early twenties adults should move out and live in their own place, do,you actually understand why that's just not possible these days?

Exactly. My son lives at home, studies full time, works part time, pays rent, does chores around the house, cooks his own meals, does his own laundry, manages his own time and social engagements, babysits his younger sibling... what and I'm supposed to tell him he can't have his girlfriend over?

It's infantilising enough living at home still into your twenties. I'm certainly not going to police his relationship too!

justasking111 · 03/02/2019 14:52

We frowned on one night stands. Still giggle over hearing the back door opening at 6am one summers morning to see a girl rushing out.

The ones that they had been seeing steadily for months we turned a blind eye to. Thinking that could be our future DIL. My own DM was horrified my DH an I never spent a night in either of our parents homes.

seven201 · 03/02/2019 15:01

I think you need to think about if you don't allow them to have sex in your house then where will they go to do it?! Most people their age would find an alternative and not always a safe one. I had sex in some stupid places at her age. Your house is safe and they're both consenting adults. It's her house too. Just things to think about. I'm not saying you have to let her. Talk it over with dh.

namechangedforanon · 03/02/2019 15:08

I think you are being unreasonable sorry . I'm 25 . My parents have only let serious boyfriends share my room at their house.

What is your issue with it?

AgathaF · 03/02/2019 15:12

Welcome him into your home and take the opportunity to get to know him properly.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 15:15

All these people saying late teens/early twenties adults should move out and live in their own place, do,you actually understand why that's just not possible these days

It's not just that, I can't imagine telling my daughter she had to move out rather than having her partner stay, or that she could not come and visit me and stay in the same room together. What an odd reaction to take.

I think you need to think about if you don't allow them to have sex in your house then where will they go to do it?

She didn't ask if she could have sex with her boyfriend. Why do people reduce this relationship to shagging, I'm sure, like other adults, they can stay Over and not shag. I'm sure they can find other convenient places to have sex.

I'm assuming he has to travel to stay with her, so wishes to stay over, it's juvenile and perverse to suggest they have to sleep in separate rooms because the parents are a pair of sex obsessed perverts and that's all they can think of.

FrenchyQ · 03/02/2019 15:21

My DD is 19 and her BF is 28 (they have been together a year). I wouldn't allow him to stay in her room at our house partly due to me not feeling comfortable with that and partly due to her 12 year old brother is in the next room (share a wall). He still lives at home and they spend most weekends at his so thankfully this has never been asked

Rel0cati0n19 · 03/02/2019 15:26

If they were married would you allow them to stay in your house in one room if they lived with you or came to visit. Or if they lived together away and came to visit, but unmarried. Or are you expecting them to stay in a hotel if they visit you in the future ?

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 03/02/2019 15:27

Shows lack of respect for your dd who is an adult with a right to a private sex life in her own home, imo.

It sounds like you’re uncomfortable with your dd as an actual person with sexual needs.

cornflakes5 · 03/02/2019 15:27

I think it's ok. My mum said no to me when I was that age and I found it really prudish. It's not even about having sex - you can do that anyway without staying in the same room overnight - it's just a normal thing for adult couples to share a bedroom.

I mostly came on though to say LOL at @FromDespairToHere Onward Christian Soldiers! GrinGrinGrin

LMBad · 03/02/2019 15:35

How ridiculous, YABVU. Your daughter is a sexually active adult. Time to accept it.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 15:42

some of us are not bothered about being our children's "friends" they have enough friends, I am fine with being a parent with strict rules. It works well for my family.

The kids will always find boundaries to push, allowing them to do anything they want is a recipe for disaster, but it's up to you. This thread is turning very critical of parents who are strict whilst no one is telling you that you are not strict enough.
It shows that being permissive doesn't make you that respectful...

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 15:58

The kids will always find boundaries to push, allowing them to do anything they want is a recipe for disaster, but it's up to you

That's fairly warped, this isn't a kid pushing boundaries who needs strict rules, this is an adult in a relationship asking her parents to respect that.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 16:03

The kids will always find boundaries to push

You do know we are talking about a 19 year old ADULT?

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 16:17

Yes a 19 year old is different to a toddler trying to see what they can get away with.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 03/02/2019 16:21

How old are you? You sound very old fashioned. My mum, who is now 70, bought me a double bed when I was 18 and I was always allowed to have boyfriends staying over. It's just sex at the end of the day. And far better they do it in a safe place than down an alley.

sirfredfredgeorge · 03/02/2019 16:38

I'm assuming he has to travel to stay with her, so wishes to stay over, it's juvenile and perverse to suggest they have to sleep in separate rooms because the parents are a pair of sex obsessed perverts and that's all they can think of.

I always wonder why the kids of parents who had these rules don't insist on the same no sharing a room in case you start shagging when the parents visit them once they've moved out?

NabooThatsWho · 03/02/2019 16:49

‘some of us are not bothered about being our children's "friends" they have enough friends, I am fine with being a parent with strict rules. It works well for my family.’

You don’t need to be your child’s friends. You SHOULD treat your adult DC like an adult though.

And you say being strict works for your family. I wonder if your offspring have the same opinion.

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2019 16:52

The kids will always find boundaries to push

(A) this in an adult woman. Not a child.

(B) I don’t agree. My parents were very relaxed, never said no to us. Because they respected us, we respected them: we never needed to “rebel”.

My then in-laws wouldn’t allow ex-H and I to share a room until we were married. We had been together 6 years before we got married. They couldn’t understand why we didn’t visit for overnights.

CallMeVito · 03/02/2019 17:23

And you say being strict works for your family. I wonder if your offspring have the same opinion.

they have funnily enough, even insisting on going on holiday with us at least a couple of times a year - when they really don't have to.

My parents were strict too, and we are a very close family. So yes, I assure you having boundaries and rules work for some of us. My kids know that there are rules in my home, and things don't magically change when they turn 18.

If you are such an adult, you are independent financially and have your own place. if you still live with mummy and daddy, you follow the house rules of their home. Basic manners. If I move back to my parents tomorrow, I would respect their home too - and I much prefer my independence so I am living in my own house Grin

NabooThatsWho · 03/02/2019 17:27

How is having sex disrespectful?

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