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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 03/02/2019 19:52

I honestly can't see what's so awful about your children having sex, and that's what it comes down to.
You know they'll do it, you just want to stop them doing it in their home.Confused

Ribbonsonabox · 03/02/2019 19:56

I think yabu. Shes over 18 and it's a serious relationship. I think it's a little hostile not to allow him to stay over with her.

fifig87 · 03/02/2019 19:59

Yabu, it would be different if it was constant random men/ women but if they are in a proper relationship I don't see the issue.
Just on the older generations, my parents did allow my siblings have boyfriends to stay over and my oldest sister is in her 40s. I actually never brought anyone to stay!! I do remember finding condoms in under my mattress after oldest sister had been to stay with her boyfriend (I had a double bed in my room so it was half treated as a guest room!).

Handprints2018 · 03/02/2019 20:02

Whichever way is fine so long as you treat any siblings she may have the same. Don't do what my dps parents did, they allowed the males to bring back women ( even ONS) but not her. Hypocritical and unfair.

Personally I'd allow it. What makes it uncomfortable?

Handprints2018 · 03/02/2019 20:05

Not sure why OPs posts are not highlighting for me, I'm glad you will talk to your dh.

CherryPavlova · 03/02/2019 20:09

Your house and your rules. I don’t think you should be made to feel uncomfortable in your own house. A few months is hardly a ‘serious relationship’ but to balance at least she’s not wanting to bring home a series of one night stands. We do let our twenty year old because they do at university and have been together about two years. You have to do what’s right for you.

Nothisispatrick · 03/02/2019 20:17

I think the ‘your house your riles’ attitude is stupid. It’s all of your SHARED home, it’s hardly your children’s fault they are too young to own their own property and pay the bills. What is so repulsive and disrespectful about two consenting adults in a relationship sharing a bed?

woodhill · 03/02/2019 20:22

Yanbu it's your house

Purpleartichoke · 03/02/2019 20:36

My home is a sanctuary for me. As an extreme introvert, having extra people in the house is a burden. I deal with my daughter having friends over during the day, but adding overnights is unreasonable.

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 20:40

But when you have children you have to accept that they will grow up and want people to stay overnight.

The DSs have had sleepovers since they were little. Can't say they were my favourite thing ever but I got through them and they loved it.

Now DS1 (19) brings his girlfriend to stay, she's part of his life and we welcome her.

Purpleartichoke · 03/02/2019 20:42

I also just can’t get past that being able t pay rent is a key sign of adulthood. My response would change if the 19 yo in question was paying the parents something close to market rent.

Ragwort · 03/02/2019 20:54

Do you genuinely not mind if your DS or DD brings a series of GFs/BFs back? What determines a ‘serious’ relationship? Are ONS & casual relationships OK?

As a PP said, I want to be comfortable in my own home & not have to meet strangers over the breakfast table Grin. I had a very active sex life in my late teens/early 20s without ever having a boyfriend stay overnight in my parent’s home.

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 20:58

I wouldn't expect my DSs to bring one night stands home, no. I am sure they wouldn't try it.

Quite happy to welcome serious girlfriends though.

Dutchesss · 03/02/2019 21:03

YABU - don't drive her away. She's not a child anymore.

scissorsandpen · 03/02/2019 21:08

Prudish ? Maybe but it is your home and if you feel uncomfortable then I would say actually DD is old enough to put your needs first and well be more adult and understand. Absolutely they don’t need to agree but in making you feel that way is manipulative as all our kids do to have their own way .

Ragwort · 03/02/2019 21:14

I think it could be very difficult if you start by ‘allowing’ a serious GF or BF to stay over .... that relationship ends & then what happens when your DS or DD starts a new relationship? Do you say ‘only if it’s serious’ and what does that mean, 3 months? 6 months?
This happened to my friend, she allowed the first seriou BF to stay over & was then faced with a series of casual BFs at which point it was hard to be strict about ‘staying overnight’.

That’s what I would find difficult to deal with, not so much the ‘serious’ BF or GF but a series of different people ....

And to be honest I don’t want my DS in a serious relationship at 18 or 19, there are years ahead for serious relationships.

Thankfuckitsfriday1 · 03/02/2019 21:15

I don’t understand parents saying no...
if both their parents said no where would they have sex? If they can’t in their own homes? Wait to have sex until they live together?

Bluelady · 03/02/2019 21:30

This is one of those occasions when MN baffles me. There are endless threads where people are told their home is the place where they have the final say. Don't want in laws to stay? Your house, your rules. Don't want visitors for weeks after your baby's born? Fine, your house, your rules. Yet when someone says she doesn't want her daughter and her boyfriend sharing a room in her house because it makes her feel uncomfortable, all that goes out of the window and she's being unreasonable. Frankly I'm mystified.

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 21:32

And to be honest I don’t want my DS in a serious relationship at 18 or 19, there are years ahead for serious relationships.

There's not much you can do about that sadly. Things happen.

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 21:43

I think you’ve got a good and interesting point there @Bluelady. I’m one who would say it’s up to those who live in the house to say if they want in laws etc to stay but I also feel OP is being unfair towards her daughter. I’m trying to figure out why and think it’s because it’s also the OPs daughter’s home and I’d expect her to get a say too. As I say,
yours is a good point though.

I think the fact OP has said her real issue is that it makes her sad to think her daughter is growing up and that’s why she doesn’t want her boyfriend over hasn’t made me feel like that’s a good enough reason either. So if the boyfriend doesn’t stay they can pretend she’s a little girl? Should she be somehow punished for becoming a woman? It makes me feel uneasy.

If OP had said it was due to the boyfriend being rude or disrespectful in their home or that they can’t relax around him because of his behaviour, I’d undoubtedly have said “your house, your rules”. But this seems to be down to not wanting a 19 year old to have sex.

Bluelady · 03/02/2019 21:49

I think the key is OP initially said it makes her and her husband uncomfortable. Why would anyone allow something that makes them uncomfortable in their own home? I wouldn't. We're relaxed on this issue but I think OP's view, for whatever reason, should be respected.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 22:06

There are endless threads where people are told their home is the place where they have the final say. Don't want in laws to stay? Your house, your rules. Don't want visitors for weeks after your baby's born? Fine, your house, your rules

But this isn't about in laws or visitors, it's about a household members boyfriend. Yes he is a visitor, but he is a visitor of the DD not the OP.

Yet when someone says she doesn't want her daughter and her boyfriend sharing a room in her house because it makes her feel uncomfortable, all that goes out of the window and she's being unreasonable.

But it's the DC's house too.

I can't get my head round the 'my house' mentality. The day I walked through the front door carrying my DD in her car seat it became her home too. For as long as she wants or needs it. Who the fuck views their own children as long term temporary visitors Hmm

Bluelady · 03/02/2019 22:09

It isn't the daughter's house; it's the parents'. Since when do the children get to make their parents feel uncomfortable in their own home?

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 22:11

If anyone ever mentions wanting people to lock their dogs away when they visit there's usually a chorus of 'it's the dog's house too you know'. Grin

I agree that since we had DC this is 'our' house. The family home.

Sparklingbrook · 03/02/2019 22:12

A 19 year old is not a child.