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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
MidnightAura · 03/02/2019 13:08

My parents did this to me. I hated it. I was the same age as your daughter. I was mortified not to mention annoyed- it felt to me like my parents were trying to decide if I was mature enough to have sex.

LellyMcKelly · 03/02/2019 13:12

What is it about him staying the night that makes you uncomfortable? They’ve probably been having sex since the early days of their relationship. The only thing I’d be concerned about is him moving in by stealth so it creates extra work or loss of privacy, but as long as there were ground rules I’d rather she was enjoying sex in a safe and comfortable environment than in a car or similar (not that there’s anything wrong with a car if that’s what floats your boat).

TheJobNeverEnded · 03/02/2019 13:17

The problem may arise that she is allowed to share a room at his house and so she then spends most of her time there with him and his family.

This happened to my friend's 18 year old daughter. To say my friend was devastated was an understatement. The daughter then eventually just moved into his parent's house with him because they were more accepting of their relationship.

Dh and I lived together and returned "home" to see our parents every few months. His parents would not allow us to share a room in their house despite us living together and being engaged so we never stayed with them. We instead stayed with my parents who let us share a bed. We were mid 20's.

Neoflex · 03/02/2019 13:18

My house my rules will backfire one day.
One day your kids will grow up. You will likely stay with them one day in their home. For Christmas, special occasions, or maybe when you're old and need some support yourself. Do you expect them to make concessions for you when you are in their home? Allow you and your husband to share a bed?
My house my rules won't work in your home forever either. They just won't visit if you repeat that same mantra.
Family is always a compromise not a power pyramid with parents at the top.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 03/02/2019 13:29

I don't think it's about parents not being able to cope with older dc having sex, it's about not wanting to be in the next room!
And I'm hating the emotional blackmail of "if you don't let them they'll move out!" Hmm
Someone up thread asked if op would rather her 19 year old daughter went to her older boyfriends house where she might not be safe.
Well, either she is an adult or she isn't?
Either she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants in her own home OR she is too young and needs protection.
Which?
Oh, and yes sharing flats costs money but London is not the world. No everywhere is a room in a flat exorbitant.

Fifthtimelucky · 03/02/2019 13:30

I'm in my late 50s and no doubt very old-fashioned and prudish. However, I allowed my daughters' boyfriends to stay over as soon as my daughters wanted them to (17 for one, 18 for the other and at university). In both cases they had been seeing their boyfriends for some months before they asked).

Was I allowed to do the same at their age? Of course not!

FlyingMonkeys · 03/02/2019 13:30

Good that you're going to have a chat with her about it OP. As pp said they'd probably be far more mortified that you if they thought you could hear them having sex. Also if he's popped round on a afternoon/evening before to watch a film in her room then it's a high chance they've already had sex in your house. Just be clear on how often staying over is okay so it doesn't creep into more than you'd like.

Original poster
Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 13:30

MashedSpud, this I think completely sums up how me and DH are feeling “I t’s a weird feeling though, almost a sadness that your little girl has become a woman. Talk to her and maybe set some ground rules if you do allow him to stay over.”
I really appreciate everyone’s different take on it and will be talking to my DH when he gets home

OP posts:
KonekoBasu · 03/02/2019 13:32

"It's actually a very deep rooted emotion not to want to hear or think of your child having sex- connected with incest. Just like children don't want to hear their own parents having sex."

It's a wonder anyone has any siblings then, hiven that parents can't have sex when their children are in the house. Even if they're asleep you can't rely on them not waking up.

MrsHampshire2017 · 03/02/2019 13:35

YANBU from experience (under 30). My parents have a blanket 'No room sharing until engaged or have been together 5 years' rule - even when paying rent.

It annoyed me under-20, but I got used to the way things were and actually came to really respect it and love the 'communal respect' - as did my now hubby!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 03/02/2019 13:40

I only have sons but the rule is long term girl friend fine but no randoms.

Mascarponeandwine · 03/02/2019 13:40

My mother wouldn’t allow this either. She was more of the “what would the neighbours say” school of thought. Mind you I also had a curfew of 10.30 no matter what age I was, as she liked to set the alarm and go to bed at that time and wouldn’t hear of any flexibility to this.

Funnily enough, I moved out to uni at 18 and despite opportunities that arose, I never moved back. Never went back in uni summer holidays, much preferred staying in uni city with boyfriend.

It felt quite sad, others looking forward to spending time with their families, and me dreading evenings of boring tv, or meeting friends for dinner but missing an after dinner drink because it was 10.15pm and time to go. Or saying goodbye to a boyfriend at the pub and making my way home alone (this was apparently better than allowing a boyfriend to stay in the house somewhere).

So make your own decision, sure, you have the right to do that, but the consequence is don’t be grumpy if you don’t see her much.

topcat2014 · 03/02/2019 13:44

TBH, I wouldn't be wanting to have sex in that house, by the sounds of it, if I was the BF.

Sound's too stressy.

Applesaregreenandred · 03/02/2019 13:52

I can understand why you are wondering about this OP.

My DS is 17 and apart from odd dates has not yet had a GF. He has asked me in the context of 'what if' whether I would allow it and I've had to say not sure.

I think this is partly me not wanting to accept my child having a sex life but also not wanting to encourage him to think he can just bring random girls back.

It does seem from my own friends that they all allow their late teen/ 20s DC to have boy/ girlfriends stay over so that would seem to be the new norm (as opposed to being unusual when I was that age)

I guess it's decreeing what is a long term or commited relationship and what's a brief fling that's difficult.

xMSx · 03/02/2019 13:54

I’m interested on what people’s views would be on parents dating and when new partners are allowed to stay over? I personally would find it strange if an older couple who had been dating months didn’t stay in the same room?

I think partners over 18 are fine to stay together as it’s normal. I’m sure they will be very respectful OP and your daughter will appreciate you treating her as an adult not a child.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/02/2019 13:55

Why on earth would it be a worry for a 19 year old NOT to be having sex? Confused I had loads of male friends stay over but didn't have sex until I was 23.

But whatever they do, I would let them do it in their home at that age.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2019 13:57

So make your own decision, sure, you have the right to do that, but the consequence is don’t be grumpy if you don’t see her much

I'd agree with this. If you can't respect them as adults in a relationship then don't be upset if they prefer to go where they are respected as adults. It's not blackmail, it's simply the lack of respect for them as adults and their relationship
.

And to reduce it to shagging is beyond juvenile. I am struggling to get my head round mature adults, people in their fifties and that's what they see when a young couple come to visit them, that they just want to shag, so need to be kept apart. It really is disrespectful and childish..

How offensive is that, and if they stay away, then who can blame them.

BarbedBloom · 03/02/2019 13:57

I wouldn’t have an issue with it. My parents did so I just never stayed with them after I moved out and prior to that, we slept over at my boyfriend’s parents house instead. A friend of mine says her 38 year old boyfriend’s mother still doesn’t allow unmarried couples to stay over, they have no plans to get married so they just don’t stay with her at all.

Fine for parents to set the rules but then equally it is fine for the young adults to make other arrangements. I wouldn’t have an issue with my children having one night stands or whatever they wanted, but would only let partners I’d met a few times actually stay over, more for security reasons than anything else.

StyleOfTheTimes · 03/02/2019 14:00

Plus sex doesn’t just happen at night 😂 I don’t see the problem? She’s 19, an adult, as long as they both are responsible in getting up for work/uni etc and aren’t keeping the rest of the house awake by chatting loudly or watching tv til god knows what time what’s the issue?

dorisdog · 03/02/2019 14:07

YABU, IMO. She's a grown up and it's her house too.

Ragwort · 03/02/2019 14:14

No I wouldn’t be comfortable with this, it just makes it all too easy to have a comfortable life at home & not bother about wanted to move out as a young adult. My DSIL wanted to be a ‘cool mum’ & bought her DD a double bed & allowed her boyfriend to stay over, but then it became a series of different boyfriends & she became very uncomfortable with the whole situation. Much easier to say ‘no’ from the start. We have a comfortable guest room where friends can stay.

And of course I know my DS would be having sex but it’s not my role to facilitate his sex live.

And if it means my DS leaves home then fine, I don’t need to cling to my son forever.

pointythings · 03/02/2019 14:15

I think you are being prudish and old-fashioned, but that's just the way you are and your feelings are perfectly valid, even if people (like me) think they're bit silly in this day and age. We're all different.

NabooThatsWho · 03/02/2019 14:19

For the people saying that it’s disrespectful for an adult DC to have sex in their house, could you explain why you think it is disrespectful?

What exactly is disrespectful about 2 consenting committed adults have sex? I don’t get it. It’s not as if they’d be banging away on the dinner table while you are having your Sunday lunch.

BlancheM · 03/02/2019 14:27

I'm another who wasn't (isn't still? Probably not), but whose brother was Angry
I'd be ok with it. But either set of parents being in earshot gives me instant desert fanny, couldn't think of anything worse so maybe she's the same.

FigandVanilla · 03/02/2019 14:30

It’s your house so you can make your own rules but it’s not one I agree with. I don’t think it ought to be necessary for adults to pretend to their parents that they don’t share a bed with their partner. But that’s just my thoughts - I don’t think you should be uncomfortable in your own home, so if you don’t like it you don’t have to agree to it.