Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
MummyofTw0 · 04/02/2019 08:23

I can understand why you are uncomfortable

However; she is an adult. And I'm a steady relationship.

On the basis that it's a regular boyfriend and not casual, I would say yes but set ground rules. She has to be careful and you don't want to hear them

What's the alternative; they'll end up doing it in the car!

Namechange8471 · 04/02/2019 08:23

She's an adult...

And sex is awesome ..

IfNotNowThenWhy · 04/02/2019 08:24

Hang on. The parents who are saying "no, I wouldn't like it" are infantalising their grown kids, but the ones saying "I just want them safe under my roof not in a dangerous bedsit and or alleyway" are not?Confused

Besides, I can't help thinking all this parent-sanctioned sex must be a real passion killer.. Surely part of the fun of being a teen is doing it in the back of a car or a club toilet. Or was it just me? !

OnTheHop · 04/02/2019 08:30

She will just start staying over at his. If she was away at Uni she would be havjng who she liked stay in her room.

Keeping your kids close as they grow, keeping that relationship into adulthood, but supporting them to independence, takes give and take.

Your house, your rules, as they say, so prepare for her to leave.

grumiosmum · 04/02/2019 08:35

I would definitely allow this.

I want my children and their friends to feel welcome in our house at all times.

thegreylady · 04/02/2019 08:40

My dc are in their 40s now , when they were 19 they were at university and I had no idea about their private lives. I used to say,”We would rather you didn’t share a bed here but we respect your right to decide.”
Dd recently told me that that completely put the ball in her court and she didn’t share a room unless the house was full.

ShatnersWig · 04/02/2019 08:50

I was still living at home aged 20 when I had my first real serious relationship. Had been seeing my girlfriend for some time and been spending a lot of time together. She was over at ours one Friday night and we suddenly realised it was 1 am, so rather than drive home, she stayed in my bed and I went downstairs and slept on the sofa. I left a note on my bedroom door saying "PARENTS - LUCY HAS STAYED OVER, I'M DOWNSTAIRS" just in case for some reason either of them walked in to my bedroom without knocking (which they never did, but...)

First thing my mum said to me in the morning after Lucy had left was "You can both sleep in the same room, you know"

And that was that.

IndigoSpritz · 04/02/2019 08:56

I'm always baffled by the uptight folks who go all clutchy-pearly at the idea of another couple sleeping in the same bed in their home. Heaven forbid they should be having (whispers) sex. Do these nincompoop parents claim the sole shagging rights in their home, or is the fact that it's their children that makes them uncomfortable ?

Beats me.

Claudia1980 · 04/02/2019 09:11

You are definitely a prude I’d say. Very unreasonable at her age for you to be uncomfortable with it. Is it because you think they might be having sex at your house? Surely you want your daughter doing it there than in a car or in the park or a cheap hotel?

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 09:19

Ifnot totally agree, never saw the appeal of taking a boyfriend back to my parents’ home but still managed to have a very active sex life Grin.

And those of you who are so comfortable with this, haven’t you read the threads about GFs/BFs moving in ‘by stealth’, it seems to be it is just too easy for the occasional ‘staying the night’ to become more and more frequent and then you’ve got another adult living in the house without any prior discussion or agreement? And particularly with 18/19 year olds, surely this is far too long to be ‘settling down’ with a partner?

For me it’s not the having sex that is the issue, it is the thought of being in a serious relationship when your adult life is just beginning and there are so many things to be doing rather than settling into a cosy relationship. I’ve got neices and nephews who have been in relationships since they were 16 and now act like old married couples and admit they are not happy (not to mention the unplanned pregnancies Sad.)

ShadyLady53 · 04/02/2019 09:42

I’m 34 and single. I wish I’d settled down at a much, much younger age and that people hadn’t pushed the idea on me of not even considering it until 30.

I would have absolutely zero problem with an adult child getting into a long term relationship at any age, including 19. It was that way for generations, settling down as late as possible is a more recent thing. I know many couples who met at 15 and are still together. They’ve travelled the world together and had all those crazy nights out together. It’s not such a terrible thing! Friends that had children in their early twenties or late teens have went to university once the children are at an older age with a much clearer view of what to study and what career goals they have in mind.

Contrast that with the teenage students I teach at university who seem to have sleepwalked their way there and don’t know themselves well enough to pick a degree that will actually benefit them in the future. And unplanned pregnancies happen all the time there too, just not often in the case of a long term relationship.

With regard to the unwanted tenant situation. I’d make it clear that the partner could stay over no more than twice a week and that if they wanted to live together they’d have to find a flat.

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 09:57

Why does he need to stay over? Does he not have his own house and room?

Indeed the world should be full of one bedrooms flats. Why does anyone need to stay over. We could all remain alone.

Yay

kindlyplay · 04/02/2019 09:57

For me it’s not the having sex that is the issue, it is the thought of being in a serious relationship when your adult life is just beginning and there are so many things to be doing rather than settling into a cosy relationship.

At 19 a slightly more 'grown up' relationship is age appropriate. Totally normal for people to 'couple up'

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/02/2019 10:43

For me it’s not the having sex that is the issue, it is the thought of being in a serious relationship when your adult life is just beginning and there are so many things to be doing rather than settling into a cosy relationship.

But this isn't your choice to make, so then it seems controlling.

haloumi · 04/02/2019 10:59

I think you should stipulate only vaginal sex and a time limit, like .. only for an hour or so .... otherwise things will get out of hand .... before you know it they will be installing a love chair and you'll be scrubbing up with a mop and bucket .....

IfNotNowThenWhy · 04/02/2019 11:00

At 19 a slightly more 'grown up' relationship is age appropriate. Totally normal for people to 'couple up'

Well yes. But I don't necessarily want that to happen in my house!
At 19, if I still had DC at home I wouldn't mind the occasional weekend visit/missed train scenario but I would really not be happy about regularly sharing my house and my bathroom with a series of young adults. Once the green light is on its got to be difficult to turn off I think.
I also agree with ragwort about young people becoming serious too soon. I was living with a man at 19, which was entirely my business and nothing to do with my parents, but it was quite hard to extricate myself from that relationship (which had been serious since 17).
I don't think any of that is about prudishness. Prudence, more like.
And I am SO not worried about my relationship with my dc. You can define your boundaries without panicking your kids will become distant and never see you. I'm not that insecure.

Wallywobbles · 04/02/2019 11:07

Will it be ok only after marriage or not even then? My parents were pretty liberal I've discovered. My DH left the house rather than meet DD14s boyfriend when he came for the day.

Ragwort · 04/02/2019 11:27

No one is responding to my question (asked more than once Grin) how you feel about different partners frequenting your home ... I understand - without necessarily agreeing with - the point about serious relationships but how do you feel about ONS and casual relationships?

And yes, Struggling I absolutely know that I can’t control whether or not my DS has a serious relationship at 18 but I am sure most parents have aspirations and dreams for their children, whether it is enjoying a sport, going to uni, getting a great job, doing a volunteer project etc etc and ‘being in a serious relationship at 18’ is not something I would particularly wish for my DS, obviously I know I can’t actually prevent it. (Although he is 18 next month and no sign of a serious relationship Grin).

ReflectentMonatomism · 04/02/2019 11:53

I also agree with ragwort about young people becoming serious too soon. I was living with a man at 19, which was entirely my business and nothing to do with my parents, but it was quite hard to extricate myself from that relationship

Perhaps it would have been easier to extricate yourself had you still been living at home? The idea that you protect your children from potentially abusive relationships by encouraging them to move out and into their partner's flat seems...odd.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 04/02/2019 12:02

I think you just projected a whole lot onto what I said that wasn't there reflectant!
If 19 is an adult then I was living my adult life away from my parents. It wasn't abusive.
My parents witnessing my relationship break up at 21 would certainly not have made it easier for anyone!
I just meant that 17 is too young to seriously "couple up".

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 04/02/2019 12:02

I don’t have ‘aspirations’ for my children except for them to feel confident and supported in their own choices. I don’t have a preconceived idea about how their life might turn out. I thought most parents were the same? Isn’t half the pleasure in watching the lives they forge for themselves rather than watching them reach someone else’s goals for them?

Bluelady · 04/02/2019 12:03

This thread has really made me question a lot of received wisdom. I still wonder why someone should be expected to allow something to happen in their home if it makes them feel uncomfortable, regardless of who is causing the discomfort.

The question of being controlling is also interesting as we spend our lives setting boundaries with other people, including our children. When does that become controlling? Or indeed is it always?

It also occurs to me that a lot of the problems people seem to have with their parents and in laws are because no boundaries are set with adult children, leading those parents to expect none in return.

The whole issue is fascinating.

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/02/2019 12:11

but how do you feel about ONS and casual relationships?

I wouldn't allow them to bring home ONS's, that, I feel, is disrespectful. I don't know about casual relationships, it's a bit trickier really as a casual relationship can develop in to a serious relationship but it's hard to define when.

I see what you mean Ragwort about dreams and aspirations, but I think that by 19 they should have their own dreams and aspirations and if that includes settling down young then so be it.

I think I'm probably projecting a lot on this thread as my DM is controlling and this was one of her things. In reality, I think everyone should do what is right for their family, but that we should all be aware of why we are making the decision we make and ensure it's right for all the party's involved, not just ourselves.

FishCanFly · 04/02/2019 12:30

Meh. Your house, your rules. They're adults, they can get a room of their own.

ShadyLady53 · 04/02/2019 12:32

I wouldn’t be ok with ONS coming home, long term relationships with someone I’d met beforehand only. But then I am prudish in that I don’t consider ONS to be a good idea anyway!

Swipe left for the next trending thread