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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or just old fashioned and prudish?

444 replies

Amumoftwo · 03/02/2019 10:44

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 03/02/2019 22:19

Offspring then if we're going to play the semantics game.

Mymadworld · 03/02/2019 22:29

My dc are a bit younger so can't advise based on actual experience (my folks didn't allow DH to stay over until we were married GrinConfused) but I would say once they've turned 18 and in a LTR Ud be ok with it. I would however ask them to be respectful of the fact that no one wants to hear their relatives having sex so whilst they're welcome to share a bed, don't take it as a green light to be having sex.

TeacupDrama · 03/02/2019 22:33

in the UK there are still many people of different religions that believe sex before marriage is wrong (it is definitely a minority but it's not just half a dozen people it is a few million), therefore they are not going to allow unmarried people to share a room, my parents believe this and still do
my BF would be offered either a spare room if no one else was there or the sofa if all my sisters were there, if just 1 sister there; me and my sister shared one room and he had the other, I would never have dreamed of disrespecting my parents deeply held beliefs by undermining this. If you truly believe sex before marriage is wrong you are perfectly entitled to live your life and organise your home life to reflect these views, just like a vegetarian family can ban the cooking and eating of meat products in their home regardless of the age of their family or visitors , they can't control this outside the home but they can in it, you can stop a 8 year old having a bacon sandwich anywhere you can't stop an 18 year old having a bacon sandwich at work but you can stop them eating or cooking bacon at home

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 22:33

Yeah, I’m still not feeling a shift in opinion. When pressed to say why she felt uncomfortable OP stated it was due to a sadness about her daughter growing up. Whilst it’s not on for someone else to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home, the reason for feeling uncomfortable is not because of anything wrong that the other person has done but because of OPs own issues around her adult daughter being in a normal adult relationship.

I’m also someone for whom, if I had children, it would always be their home too and if they lived with me whilst being adults, we’d have to all behave and treat each other like adults. I don’t think banning an adult resident of the home from having their partner over to stay because they cannot handle their own emotions around that adult being a sexual being is fair. If I was the OP in that situation, I’d do some work within myself on resolving those issues rather than banning my adult daughter’s partner from overnight visits.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 22:35

It isn't the daughter's house; it's the parents'

Like I said, I disagree with this sentiment.

since when do the children get to make their parents feel uncomfortable in their own home?

They don't. But the thread was AIBU and OP felt uncomfortable but didn't really know why, hence asking. Nobody is suggesting allowing DC to have partners stay if they are uncomfortable, merely discussing of the uncomfort is justified or if it's something that can be considered.

Bluelady · 03/02/2019 22:41

Possibly I'm not enough given to self analysis but if my gut told something made me uncomfortable I'd just say no to it and move on, regardless of whether other people thought I was reasonable or not.

Alpacanorange · 03/02/2019 22:52

There is no right or wrong, only your opinion and hers.
If you insist they will probably move out altogether. How about asking them to be discreet, because you do know they are having sex anyway, times have changed and it’s time to treat her like an adult. She will probably be too embarrassed to make it obvious anyway.

AhhhHereItGoes · 03/02/2019 22:57

I don't really get it either. Surely as a fully grown, mature adult you can say 'of course, but if you're up to anything, I don't want to hear it' I mean for goodness sake, it's your own offspring.

Yes it seems really odd to think your DC has a sex life, but at some point they will. As long as they are not doing so in a loud, obnoxious manner I can't see what harm it does.

I've overheard my parents and my sister (not at same time). I've just increased TV volume/put headphones on.

My DDs are Young now but in 15 years I hope I can have an honest conversation with them and although yes it will seem odd, I'll have a word with myself and realise they are the same as any young person.

kindlyplay · 03/02/2019 23:01

How about asking them to be discreet, because you do know they are having sex anyway, times have changed and it’s time to treat her like an adult

I'm not sure asking someone to be discreet when having sex is treating them like an adult Confused

BlackType · 03/02/2019 23:06

When I was, um, 21 my then boyfriend and I house-sat while my parents were away. My mum made up separate rooms for us, and we duly slept in them. It would have felt wrong to do anything else, even though we spent most nights together at university. We had plenty of opportunities to have a shag which didn't have to involve doing it in my family home. They didn't involve alleys or cars, either. Funny, that.

ivykaty44 · 04/02/2019 06:13

This business of it’s your house your rules, it’s very controlling of other people under your roof - why do they feel the need to control?

AlaskanOilBaron · 04/02/2019 07:14

I wouldn't allow it at 19, no. IME boyfriends/girlfriends come and go pretty quickly at this age and I don't particularly want to get involved in their overnights.

By the time they're in their mid-20s and certainly if they were engaged I would allow it, but not really before then.

Weenurse · 04/02/2019 07:22

In a loving committed relationship and going out for a year, we let them share once she turned 18. Prior to that, they slept in separate rooms.
Together 4 years now and he is part of the family.
DH was not keen initially and my prudish DM talked him round!

SoupDragon · 04/02/2019 07:30

I don't particularly want to get involved in their overnights

I suspect they don't want you "involved" either.

MeetJoeTurquoise · 04/02/2019 07:38

My home is a sanctuary for me. As an extreme introvert, having extra people in the house is a burden. I deal with my daughter having friends over during the day, but adding overnights is unreasonable

I am too, an extreme introvert, but I still accepted that I'd have to deal with the increased anxiety to allow my dd to feel like it really was her home. She asked if it would be ok knowing how hard I find this sort of thing and said if I said no that was fine.

anniehm · 04/02/2019 08:06

We allow it, my parents let us! I want to know my adult kids are safe and if their under my roof I sleep far better! Yes it's hard to accept your baby is grown but once they were 16 we allowed it (only one does, the other doesn't have any interest )

malificent7 · 04/02/2019 08:09

Yabvu and yes a prude and old fashioned.

anniehm · 04/02/2019 08:10

Ps I think it helps us that we got together when we were DD's age so we really do understand!

TheMoonOwl · 04/02/2019 08:12

Why does he need to stay over? Does he not have his own house and room? Is he visiting from far away? Hmm

TheMoonOwl · 04/02/2019 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 04/02/2019 08:15

What an odd question. How about because he likes being with his girlfriend?

pinkhorse · 04/02/2019 08:15

I don't like this either. My dsd is 16 and has a boyfriend a year younger. Her mum lets them sleep over at her house and at his. She is going to live with us next year and I've said that's not happening at our house. Maybe when they are 18 I would have to reconsider as dp wants to allow it but no way will I allow under 18s.

malificent7 · 04/02/2019 08:15

Why are people sad about their kids growing up?
Surely it's natural and healtjy for them to become functioning adults rather than infantalising them.

We all look back on babies wistfully but we should celebrate each stage accordingly.

malificent7 · 04/02/2019 08:16

Not saying op should throw a party btw!

Strugglingtodomybest · 04/02/2019 08:19

My parents never let me have a boyfriend sleep in my room and to be honest I just see it as part of the pattern of trying to control me and not seeing me as an adult, which continues to this day.

If I had been allowed, I wouldn't have had sex, the thought of my parents hearing us would have definitely put me off, so I'm quite surprised that so many posters are assuming it's about sex.

My parents have a blanket 'No room sharing until engaged or have been together 5 years' rule

They'd have needed 3 spare rooms for us to visit then, one for me, one for DH, and one for the kids!

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