To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I know, that was the point!

I'm a fairly extreme introvert tbh, and very possibly also on the spectrum. That may colour things. I have an extremely extroverted acquaintance who finds it difficult to be on her own for more than about four hours, street that she just has to find company of some description or other. I on the other hand can happily do four or five days without speaking to a single person.

ps: just to be clear, it's the introverts who want to make out the differences are huge. The extroverts don't seem to give a crap.

I'm an introvert. My closest friend is an extrovert.

I remember when I visited her at uni and she was surprised that I didn't want to go to her student union with her and meet all her uni friends.

She still doesn't understand that I hate her annual celebration parties. I have to go but I dread them. And although I'm an introvert I find I'm the one making chat with other guests and come across really relaxed, happy and bubbly. But I'm not. I have a theory that most of the guests don't want to be there but as they are family / friends they have to go basically. I could never tell her I don't like them, that I find them absolutely exhausting, because she would be offended.

To this day I still have to say "I don't want to stay for another drink" and I often find myself making us reasons why I have to leave because "it's too early" when the truth is I've just had enough!

I adore her btw. She is fantastic aside from this.

Lady I actually, appreciate your honesty. I probably wouldn't want to hang out with you either. Not because either of us are bad people but because we'd find each other annoying. If more people had the awareness to realise that lots of arguments would be avoided.

However when the trainer would carry on the conversation during breaks it was the introverts who were supposed to compromise and join in the conversation. Total lack of realisation from the trainer that a two hour training session might have drained the introverts who just needed a few minutes of quiet to recharge.

Maybe the trainer assumed you were an adult and if you felt like you needed time to recharge you would excuse yourself during the break.
Woman the fu&k up FFS!

100% agree OP.

I hate people coming around my house at ALL (except my 2 adult children and their partners.) It stresses me out and gives me a headache even thinking about having people around.

I hate surprise visits, I find them intrusive and rude and presumptuous. People assuming I have nothing better to do than ask them in and entertain them for hours.

I rarely answer the door, and won't ask people in.

I hate big social groups/hobby groups etc.

I hate it when I arrange to meet someone for a coffee or lunch and they bring someone else along.

I hate trying to make small talk for 3-4 hours, and get bored and tired and weary, and need to sleep 12 hours afterwards, as I am so exhausted.

I don't apologise for any of this, or how I am. I can't help it. I am quite happy to meet someone for a coffee for a hour once every few weeks (at costa or starbucks,) but it stresses me out when people visit.

I used to be much more sociable, and go to more hobby groups, and parties, and social events, and concerts and shows - in big groups of 10 and 12 people, and I used to have people around 3 or 4 times a month, like friends and other mothers and their kids, (especially when my kids were younger and living at home.)

But I think a combination of spending 25+ years trying to make everyone else happy, and bending over backwards for people, and crossing oceans for people who wouldn't step over a puddle for me, and being let down by a lot of people; I cannot be arsed with most people now. And I certainly do not want them in my house.

I keep my family circle and friendship group very small and tight. That is how I like it, and anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off.

I also hate extroverts/social butterflies who try and make you join in with stuff much more. I have done my years and years of that thank you. Now I just want to sit in my home, watch netflix, and drink wine, and I want you to leave me alone and stop telling me I should be more like YOU.

Agree with the OP. Introverts do leave the extroverts to get on with their life. But (some) extroverts seem to want to boss about and bully anyone who isn't behaving like THEY think they should be! As has been said, some extroverts are rude and presumptuous and sarcastic about those who prefer privacy, and their own company, and they come across as snide and judgemental.

Fortunately my DH is exactly the same. If we split or he died, I could never live with anyone again, because I would struggle to find someone who wouldn't want extended family and friends around to visit. In fact, I would probably be best on my own.

However when the trainer would carry on the conversation during breaks it was the introverts who were supposed to compromise and join in the conversation. Total lack of realisation from the trainer that a two hour training session might have drained the introverts who just needed a few minutes of quiet to recharge.

Maybe the trainer assumed you were an adult and if you felt like you needed time to recharge you would excuse yourself during the break.
Woman the fu&k up FFS!

@BlueCornishPixie

I'm not even sure whether I'm introverted or extroverted. I think I'm a bit of both. But I can be quiet. And one thing that gets me is there is a certain type of person who thinks they need to cure me of this, normally on courses etc. I am totally fine being quiet. I like listening and learning and I have no desire to do participation games etc. I love a good old fashioned lecture. At school people would say "blue needs to answer more questions" actually I don't leave me alone. I'm learning fine sitting here listening. I really wish people could just respect the fact that I don't want to participate.

Also I have no desire to do completely inane chatter, and some people just chat shit at you for hours and it kills me a bit inside. I enjoy proper conversation, even small talk but just people droning on at you about their lives bored me to tears. People mistake this for shyness but it's not it's just boredom.

This could be me writing this. I also hate it when people try and drag me into being the 'speaker' in a group conversation (like on a course or similar.) Also, I lose patience very quickly with people who drone on about themselves. I went out a couple of years back with a couple that me and DH know, for my birthday (although this was 2 days before it.)

All SHE did was rattle on ALL NIGHT about her job, and how much she hated it, and how vile her supervisor was etc etc.... She even grilled my DH who didn't know anything about her workplace or its procedures or ANYthing, saying 'what would you do Dave?' and 'do you think you could talk to my boss Dave? (My DH is in middle management where he works, but it wasn't his place to do anything for her.)

And so he kept shaking his head and saying 'You will have to see your HR department, etc...' She ruined my night actually. Blathering on about herself. She had form for this actually, and after that, we never went out with them again.

@BertrandRussell

Being a self diagnosed introvert does not give you a free pass to be rude.

It's people like YOU who are the reason people BECOME introverts.

@Shodan

I think it's rude for an extrovert to try and insist on making an introvert do something that they're obviously uncomfortable with.

THIS! ^

AmIOTTconcerned I’m an introvert with extrovert friends too. Yes we dont have everything on common and see the world exactly same but we both have other great qualities the we both appreciate. Vive la difference!

“Being a self diagnosed introvert does not give you a free pass to be rude”

It's people like YOU who are the reason people BECOME introverts.

1. that’s not how it works
2. I rest my case!

And although I'm an introvert I find I'm the one making chat with other guests and come across really relaxed, happy and bubbly. But I'm not. I have a theory that most of the guests don't want to be there but as they are family / friends they have to go basically. I could never tell her I don't like them, that I find them absolutely exhausting, because she would be offended.

This sounds like a very unpleasant party that you don’t enjoy and you don’t like the people.

I think it's rude for an extrovert to try and insist on making an introvert do something that they're obviously uncomfortable with

This. For example, I am reading my book on the train or plane and my neighbour wants to talk to me. Why is it rude for me to want to continue to read my book but not rude for them to insist that I talk to them?

Same goes for all the runners who moan that other runners don't talk to them as they go past. "But we're doing the same thing, we're a community". But why do you need validation from other runners? Just enjoy your run and let other people enjoy theirs and they'll acknowledge you if they want to. Presumably you don;t talk to everyone in the supermarket because you're doing the same thing.

new thats the same as me, completely.

I suffer from agoraphobia and some days are a real challenge.
I make myself step out of my comfort zone (for my children), but even something as simple as doing my weekly food shop can leave me feeling horribly dizzy.
I have extrovert friends who struggle to understand why I find it hard to do something that comes so naturally to them and they wouldn't think twice about.
On the other hand though I struggle to fathom how they get that natural flowing confidence. I'd love to be a confident person.
I know exactly what I want to say and can visualise myself in the centre of a social group chatting away, but there is just something that I can't explain (I don't even understand it myself) that stops me from doing that.
I'm not sure if it stems back from being bullied at school and being told I was "stupid" every time I opened my mouth to speak, but I started off as a naturally confident child, then developed selective mutism which lead to social anxiety as an adult.

It's not that extroverts don't understand introverts, its just that they find them boring and hard work (in the same way that introverts find extroverts exhausting and hard work).

Well there's lots of nasty assed introverts on here this morning!

*Backs the fuck out screaming i need some time for myself!!! Won't anybody think of me?

This. For example, I am reading my book on the train or plane and my neighbour wants to talk to me. Why is it rude for me to want to continue to read my book but not rude for them to insist that I talk to them?

I was sat on my own on a train reading an article on my phone. A man sat next to me and asked me the time so i told him. He then proceeded to ask me something about it being cold, I agreed politely and went back to reading.

He then went on a rant about mobile phones and nobody being sociable any more. Mate the entire world is sociable you just happened to sit next to me who is not.

I agree that not answering the door is nothing to do with introversion though.

Having a preference for peace and quiet doesn’t exempt me from normal human interaction.

Same goes for all the runners who moan that other runners don't talk to them as they go past.

You could frame this as the extroverts doing all the emotional labour of building the running community, and you just coming along for the ride.

There’s this idea isn’t there, that extroverts are loud, self-centred, crap at listening, flighty, shallow and concerned with only superficial things...while introverts are portrayed as quietly intellectual, deep, well-read and measured. It’s all bullshit of course...it’s trendy to be an ‘introvert’ these days owing to these stereotypes but an extrovert can be as smart as paint and an introvert thick as mince.

Me? Like so many others posting I am seemingly an extrovert...and a firm one at that. I’m outgoing, very chatty and friendly in person and appear to be comfortable in any social setting. If you met me you’d assume I am a social butterfly flitting from one bunch of flowers to the next...but here’s the thing...I’m actually quite unsociable. I don’t want to go on nights out, meet-ups or events...I hate crowds, noise and milling about with a passion. My heart sinks when I am invited to social things as I don’t like to offend with a no. I turn down all but the most select invites preferring the quiet of my own home and company of my (very) introverted husband, to the clamour and rabble of social gatherings. I love my drive home from work (my job is highly social) as I can be alone. My hobbies are hillwalking with my husband and children, reading and solo trail running. I get very tired of other people and too many of the social obligations will have me exhausted and at times leave me sinking into a energy-sapped depression...just as introverts are often presented. My job requires me to be ‘switched on’ and my battery drains daily.

So no...I have no faith in either term, extrovert or introvert. I think most people fall somewhere in the boring old middle.

@LadyAndGent

It was satire.

“This. For example, I am reading my book on the train or plane and my neighbour wants to talk to me. Why is it rude for me to want to continue to read my book but not rude for them to insist that I talk to them?”

It’s not. But insisting that a total stranger talks to you just because you are sitting next to you is not the behaviour of an extrovert. It is the behaviour of an arsehole.

There are rude, thoughtless, introverts in the same way there are rude, thoughtless extroverts surely?

DH is an introvert whereas I'm extrovert. I love that he avoids people and doesn't pretend to pander to them. In a social situation he almost fades away in his haste to avoid people!

He said he loved me when he met me because I am the opposite. I think he was attracted by the fact that I would do all the pointless small talk and he could be himself without any pressure.

We get on great.

I never understand why the definition of introvert and extrovert is so widely misunderstood on Internet forums.