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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

594 replies

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:05

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

OP posts:
ThursdayLastWeek · 03/02/2019 08:14

It’s up to you to set your boundaries. It’s no one else’s responsibility to understand your quirks.

Just refuse invitations you dint want to accept.

If they won’t accept it it’s because they’re rude not a self diagnosed personality type.

topcat2014 · 03/02/2019 08:15

I don't really know where I am on this scale. I guess towards extroversion.

I can introduce speakers at a meeting, but don't actually like giving the speech. I am confident talking about my own subject, but would hate to be a sales person.

If I am honest, though, try as I might I can never quite get all these people I read about on MN who seem to be unable to cope with normal adult life like answering the door to the postman, or speaking to shop assistants about the weather etc.

I do try - but just don't get the problem.

Always interesting to read about this subject though.

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2019 08:17

I refuse to believe that anyone wouldn’t be a bit upset if they rang a close family member they lived near and who they knew was at home asking if they could pop round for a cup of tea to be met with “I’m sorry, no. How about a week today?”

InsideLegMeasurement · 03/02/2019 08:17

people "needing time to process interactions". People preferring not to be with other people, or to control the extent of interaction to the point of not ever having an interaction not on your terms.

I get why that's a preference but I don't get why you expect to be able to do it, as an adult in an industrialised society??

I "need" 10 hours sleep every night and the quiet of nature in the morning. I "need" a steady stream of interesting work but not too much so I'm never overwhelmed. I need lovely meaningful interaction with my young children but not too much that my sense of self feels under siege.

I get precisely NONE of these. I live in a town and have a job and kids and some friends. Life comes at you and I have to find joy in the way it comes.

Isn't the best skill of life to find a way of being ok in yourself, despite what the external circumstances are, rather than seeking to control the externals?

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 03/02/2019 08:17

I am neither introvert or extrovert.

BertrandRussell · 03/02/2019 08:18

Sorry, wrong thread!

ThursdayLastWeek · 03/02/2019 08:19

Wrong thread but still within context I reckon Bertrand!

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2019 08:19

No I understand you I just don’t like you.

You are totally totally projecting. Since when was i your introverted ex? Since when did I control and beat up my dh and tell him he couldn’t have friends or go out??

You sound very rigid in your thinking. Not me. I can do small talk and chat with people. I enjoy it. I just need time to recharge my batteries alone. I never said I was some kind of retiring mouse either.

I don’t see that as a fault. Merely a fact. That you can chat with people from the moment you awaken to the moment you fall asleep doesn’t make you superior.

Believeitornot · 03/02/2019 08:20

If I am honest, though, try as I might I can never quite get all these people I read about on MN who seem to be unable to cope with normal adult life like answering the door to the postman, or speaking to shop assistants about the weather etc

Being an introvert doesn’t render people incapable or unwilling to have normal social interaction.

If anyone cannot answer the door, I would suggest there are different reasons.

FruminousBandersnatch · 03/02/2019 08:20

I dislike this desire to shoehorn everyone into the category of extrovert or introvert. We all exhibit behaviours and preferences from each side of the spectrum, surely?

It's not black and white, stop trying to pit people against each other, there's enough of that shite in the world.

BlooShampoo · 03/02/2019 08:20

No one is deep, insightful, or interesting because they “hate small talk” (uh, it’s not a hobby)

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 08:21

DD is 100% extroverted too funnily enough. That madam would go to the opening of an envelope. She's always invited everywhere and hot damn, she will go, come hell or high water.

My mother is possibly the only introvert in our family I think. My brother is more reserved than me, but I'd say an extrovert. Sister is a grumpy extrovert. Dad is like me! Like a big happy Labrador, loping around the place (probably unwelcome lol).

GertrudeWilloughby · 03/02/2019 08:23

I'm introverted (so I've been told) but sometimes I just need peace and quiet so I can get my thoughts together. So after I've been working, hosting a committee meeting and then tea and cakes afterwards, I will need to just sit in a quiet room and just be. I don't need to talk, shoot the shit, listen to music, have a hug because I "seem down" Confused I just need the space to breathe and the chance to have my own thoughts without someone well meaning, but oh do fuck OFF in my ear to cheer up! Give me time and I'll come "back to life".

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 08:25

Mummyoflittledragon
Eh........ a bit too much overthinking going on there honey!

spatchcock · 03/02/2019 08:25

Self-obsessed navel gazing. Truly, no one cares if you're an introvert or an extrovert.

I'm not an asshole - I'm an introvert.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 03/02/2019 08:26

If I read that profile in a work context for a colleague Ladygrant, in my head I'd be running a mile screaming. It's everything I wouldn't want in a workplace or friend, I just couldn't do it. It sounds relentless and pressurising to be honest. Enthusing every situation, just so over the top.

Paraphrasing someone upthread, it's not that introverts don't understand extroverts, it's that we just don't like you. Cuts both ways.

twattymctwatterson · 03/02/2019 08:27

These threads always go the same way. Introverts are good and extroverts are bad. The introverts on the thread don't seem to understand that they come across like they feel they have some kind of superiority of character. I don't describe myself as either btw.

Kikipost · 03/02/2019 08:28

On this thread, There’s a lot of mixing up being an extrovert with being inconsiderate and thoughtless

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 08:29

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant
You're paraphrasing me Wink

MistressDeeCee · 03/02/2019 08:30

spatchcock

😂

Great article

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 03/02/2019 08:30

I agree with the OP’s premise.

I’m a reasonably sociable introvert and can work well in teams, I enjoy, and can be energised by, exchanging ideas.

But when the pressure is on and I have a project to complete I strongly prefer being left alone to complete it. Uninterrupted.

And when the project is over, I don’t want to hit the town to celebrate. I am exhausted and I want my bed.

So I find comments like oh come for a drink, don’t be such a misery really hurtful.

I can totally understand that it takes all sorts to make the world go round. I can see that some people get bored and restless easily and need distraction, I know some people like to talk through their problems and share their innermost thoughts and that some folk like loud music and crowds. I understand these people are different to me and I don’t judge them.

In return, I would like to receive the same courtesies.

I don’t get bored, I like sitting reading a book and don’t often get a chance to do it. Please don’t talk at me the minute I sit down.

I may need some time to reflect on a problem or decision. I’ve listened to you talk through your ideas, now I need some space to think through mine.

I like time to myself. Really I do. Please don’t pity me, judge me or invite yourself along.

Thank you.

puppymouse · 03/02/2019 08:31

*It doesn't matter how many times I explain that I enjoy my own company much of the time, they see it as their personal duty to show me what I'm missing. Like I'll suddenly see the light and begin enjoying parties, if I'd only try harder, or try this thing or that thing.

I think I ended up having both traits due to low grade bullying from family and friends. I felt so ashamed I pushed myself to be their 'normal'. It took a long time to stop resenting them and myself for robbing me of a life that would have made me more content.*

This. Plus a dollop of social anxiety. My DF dragged me from social occasion to weekend away staying with friends, to the next "so and so are stopping by on their way to..." I hated it. My DM went along with it but is actually fairly anti-social herself. And it carried on well into my adulthood, expecting me to attend stuff that I was so ill beforehand with nerves I could barely function. The older I get, the more upfront I am about the walls I need to put up.

LadyandGent · 03/02/2019 08:31

Spatchcock, you dismiss this discussion as self obsessed navel gazing, yet can provide a link to a media article on introverts.
Grin

YeOldeTrout · 03/02/2019 08:32

I am prone to self-pity (It's a comforting old friend, this is relevant).

My parents always made me feel rejected. They dragged me to parties & I just wanted to read books. My parents often held parties. I was labeled anti-social constantly. I was bullied & obsessed with suicide age 7-14. When I turned 16, my parents openly said how disappointed they were that I didn't start bringing boyfriends home. Finally, one day in my late teens, my dad came home from a personality course (work-related) & declared with happy excitement "I understand you now! You're an introvert!") I still can't relate to other people especially well. They are strange creatures.

How Some MNers describe introvert-extrovert differences is a ridiculous huge self-pity party. Drives me batty. Just get over it. You lot write like you've got a very special snowflake disease. Everyone has their challenges in life. You're just so busy naval gazing you can't see you're not so special after all

gamerwidow · 03/02/2019 08:33

I am very strongly introverted but I appreciate the qualities extroverts bring to a group and although we may not always understand each other we need a mix of both types in the world. I think the problems are caused by selfish inflexible people of both types.
I admire the get up and go of my extrovert friends and their ability to fit in 5 things before I’ve had my breakfast and make a group feel warm and welcoming . My extrovert friends admire my calm and introspection and balance. On my own if never go anywhere or do anything. Or their own they’d be burning themselves out.