To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I dont think either truly 'get' each other.

I think some people claim to get the other type but really it's not much beyond a superficial awareness.

I’m an introvert, and yes the world is set u to reward extroverts.

I have a highly sensitive personality, in the modern world this appears to put you at a disadvantage, but in order for society to work you need both types of people.

I hate noise, I hate crowds, I hate small talk, I hate having to speak with people.

I need time to plan and consider social interaction, a last minute trip to the pub is like asking me to put my hand in boiling water, the thought of neighbours popping round unexpectedly makes me feel queasy.

I’d happily go days without speaking to anyone if I could. But that wild apparently make me a weirdo.

As a child I used to day dream about living in the middle of Dartmoor, just me and some pets. 40 years old I still often wish I’d followed this through!

Most people are sensitive in some way, not just introverts

I'm starting to think half of you are nutcases!

You need preparation to answer the phone? Answering the door to the postman is too much? That's not introversion, that's pure madness.

I don't know. I can think on the hop. I don't need to prep myself to receive a phonecall. Ok, if the Queen rang me, I might be a little bit bewildered, but I'm sure I'd handle it just fine.
What some of you seem to be completely lacking in is basic social skills.

You see, this is why I don't like self declared introverts. You're all strange as fuck.

How on earth do you handle social situations, work meetings, interviews, bumping into someone you know on the street, getting to know new people, if you can't even answer the goddamned door to the postman!
Why are you so afraid of people?

People are social creatures. No man is an island. I just don't understand this 'I want to live under a rock' mentality.
I'm reading loud and clear, that that's how you feel, but no, maybe the OP is right. I don't understand.

i dont know what you dont understand. do you like cheese? some will say yes others no. neither is wrong.

I don't like prawns? I can still open the fridge door if there are prawns in there.
I think a lot of you are mixed up about what introversion is. I've worked with very friendly, chatty colleagues, who went on the same work thing as me where they came up with a 28 page profile of me, and I'd never have thought they were introverted at all.

They just like being alone sometimes. They're not incapable of normal everyday interaction.

One thing that came out of it was, that for example, my MO would be to pop to someone's desk, or pick up the phone. For them, they preferred email, so they could get their thoughts straight.

I wonder are introverts slower in general?

Actually, from what I recall, the Blues, were mainly engineers and massively detail oriented. So, I guess, given the job they did, they can't really think on the hop. It's painstaking attention to detail.

Then you had the Reds, who were in general leaders. A lot less of them in the team. Mostly they were the actual managers.
Then the Greens, who wanted to include everyone (a wishywashy type). They worked at obtaining consent from various councils.
And then Yellow (4 of us. Who want to party with champagne in hula skirts). One was Head of Dept. Other was Deputy Head. Other was in a random dept but nobody really knew what he did and then me - team administrator.
In our team of 26 I think, 12 were blue (accounts/engineering), 6 red (project managers/divisional managers), 4 greens and 4 yellows.

ladyandgent 😂😂😂

I do wonder from those who say the are introverts and don't answer the door, don't answer text messages etc how you manage to sustain friendships
Thats assuming i sustain friendships IRL
I have friends online and can pick and choose when i log on. Im a massive call and text screener and really only have my phone cos school and what not.
People dont come to my door, we too far away for random drop ins thankfully.

When introverts said they find socialising exhausting, is it mental or physical exhaustion? Or both
Both, physically i feel dead, like i havent slept in weeks, headaches. Mentally, im over noise, talking, and need silence and alone time

I think the phone thing is partly about the awkward/companionable silence thing. I absolutely hate making phone calls, and it's partly because that comfortable silence thing doesn't work over the phone. So on the phone, I have to prevent and fill in silence, which feels uncomfortable to me. I can do it, but it find it very uncomfortable. I can't think of an extravert equivalent - some kind of workplace silent retreat? Soundproofed isolation cubicles to encourage focus? I'm not sure.

The postman thing seems pretty OTT, but I do understand it - when your home is the place you go to recharge in solitude, of you are need of a lift of recharging, even a small interruption is annoying. I guess the other way around would be like some kind of social rejection - if you having a bad day to start with and really want a chat and everyone leaves the room as you walk in because they are going somewhere else. It's not in any way a rejection, or an attempt to make you feel bad, but you really wanted a bit of company and now you'll have to put it off until later.

Most of us are perfectly capable of everyday social interaction, but find it tiring, especially if we have to do it for hours at a time at work. So we really need the alone time to recover.

For example, I am reading my book on the train or plane and my neighbour wants to talk to me. Why is it rude for me to want to continue to read my book but not rude for them to insist that I talk to them?
Exactly, makes me glad i dont catch public transport all the time and last time i flew my neighbor was happy to snooze lol
I used to just chuck headphones in, sometimes not even playing music and dig my head in a magazine to avoid the bus talker. My bus trip was the time i used to mentally prep myself for whatever i was going too

I once had a work colleague say to me ‘you don’t like to interact socially do you’.

It really upset me as she was deliberately trying to be negative because I like to stay home a lot rather than go for constant nights out drinking wine.

Especially if you are in your 20’s there’s an expectation that you should be out all of the time enjoying an active social life. I have lovely friends, close family, DH, pets and I can be quite outgoing but home is where the heart is.

Oh this is a beautiful thread to me. The best people are introverts but culture and society are against them. Introverts please don’t give up.

How on earth do you handle social situations, work meetings, interviews, bumping into someone you know on the street, getting to know new people, if you can't even answer the goddamned door to the postman!

Preparation mainly. I work in customer services, I'm in a busy office surrounded by people and paid to talk to total strangers all day.

I can do it, and I'm good at it. But I know what's coming every day, I have time to prepare.

Then at the end of the day I'm exhausted and am in no fit state to do any more socialising, no matter how small. I've almost walked out of supermarkets before when the self service tills have been down, because talking to a checkout assistant - even just to say hi and thanks - is not something I've prepared for.

I find this extraordinary, how extroverts are generally completely oblivious to other people's needs to have some quiet time. I've felt bullied by extrovert friends, tbh, in a way I haven't experienced since school. I've been made to feel odd and awkward and unreasonable and that no sane person could possibly want to behave like me. The lack of respect for my different way of operating really upsets me. Extroverts NEED to be around people, they need contact, they need to talk a lot, face to face, or on the phone if face to face isn't available, not just by email or text. I get that. But when they insist on getting that contact from me, they're taking energy away from me. I only have so much social energy to give and then I'm empty and exhausted.

LadyandGent
I wonder are introverts slower in general? No. Not at all.

People process information in different ways, it doesn't make anyone quicker / slower / more intelligent / less intelligent. Sometimes when I'm asked a question, my brain will silently shoot off in 20 different directions - did they mean that? or this? what will the consequences be if c and a are reversed etc etc. This doesn't make me slow, it makes me considered.

By the same argument you could say that someone who makes a snap decision clearly hasn't thought things through properly. Or that someone who prefers phone calls to emails is more susceptible to tone, manner etc, than to facts. Our brains work in different ways - no one way is better than the other...

This is what I find hard as an extrovert.

DH is an introvert. If he's walking around in silence with a face like thunder it means one of 3 things:

1. there's a major problem/trouble up mill/the whole world's gone to shit etc. 2)I am really angry with you and I can't believe you did that. 3)I've had enough people for now and I'm in my metaphorical cave, please leave me alone.

If I ask what's wrong, 1) will get an answer, 2) and 3) will get the 'I'm fine', spoken through gritted teeth response.
Obviously with 3) he is fine, with 2) he's not fine.

I used to spend ages worrying what I had done to hurt him this time. Took me years to realise he had he same response to 3 things. Now, if he says 'I'm fine', I'll follow it by asking if I've done something wrong. Usually he looks at me like I'm completely bonkers and say 'of course not'.
So then I get on with my life, happily and leave him to his cave.

But it has taken many years of marriage to learn this.
I can't do the same with an introvert I don't know well, or even know is an introvert.

Also, no he really is happy not going out, he'd rather look after the kids and let me go. Which is good! 🤣

I wish he'd stop trying to treat me by taking away my social time though.
I'll do the school run.
I'll go to swimming lessons, you can have some time at home.
I'll drop the kids at their activity (I was planning to stay and have coffee and a chat😭)
Nooo! Why are you punishing me like this??
Let me leave this prison of a house...

Introvert does not equal socially anxious.

One can be a fabulously socially competent person, and an introvert.

Behaviour like hiding from the postman isn’t being an introvert. That’s being unable to cope with day to day life.

Missing the point there. It's the unexpected part of it that causes the anxiety.

Which brings us full circle I think - it's not that you're an introvert that renders you incapable/very reluctant to accept an unexpected visitor. It's that you are very anxious.

*I once had a work colleague say to me ‘you don’t like to interact socially do you’.

It really upset me as she was deliberately trying to be negative because I like to stay home a lot rather than go for constant nights out drinking wine.*

But what she said wasn't inaccurate, was it?

I am a.mixture of both but prefer my social extrovertness. Although im.not a creepy weirdo introvert like most are.