To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I'm an extrovert from a family of extrovets who married an mild introvert from a family of introverts. I would say I understand them, also that I am forced in to endless uncomfortable (for me) silences in their presence. Their lack of basic communication means that often planning for eg: Christmas is late and much less fun than it could be. Also noone performs the emotional caretaker role very competently for themselves or others, so divorce is widespread and these silent seiges happen. My lot have heated discussions instead. Dh (mild introvert) really struggles with Dd (extrovert)'s expressed emotion, like a rabbit in head lights. So despite being an extrovert I'd say i have a fair idea.
Dh on the other hand still doesn't realise that by leaving me alone when i am angry or upset he is punishing me and i can't feel better untill i can talk about whatever is bothering me.

Because extroverts talk about how they feel, their thoughts and what they need and introverts don't!

Exactly. Speaking as an extrovert, getting to know/understand introverts is like trying to get blood from a stone! But I don't thionk introverts really understand extroverts either, They think they do, but still ask you go and reflect on things. That isn't what extroverts do.

*I'd have not let them in argh!! My mum once phoned to say she had told my uncle he could drop by my house and get something and he said hed be over that day...
I just drew the curtains disconnected my phone and hid until he stopped knocking and went away.... shes not told anyone they can drop by since!!!
I need at least 24hrs notice for visitors. (Unless it's a real emergency)

I sometimes hide in the bathroom if the postman knocks at the door too.... I try not to but I cannot always man opening the door... I'm the same with phones... I dont have a mobile for this reason because I cant handle that level of communication. Do have a house phone but I dont answer it unless someone has emailed or pmed me saying they are going to call at a specific time!*

You see, that to me doesn't sound like introversion. It sounds like a mental health problem, that you're anxious to the point of not opening a door.

Often extroverts are criticized for "not getting" introverts when the behavior discussed is really quite extreme. Especially on the increasingly bizarre "AIBU to never open the door in the middle of day unless I've had 48 hours written notice if a visitor" (Answer: yes.) These posts seem to morph into someone who sounds anxious and agoraphobic being described as introverted, and anyone who finds those behaviors strange as some kind of socially-inept busybody who fills up her empty life by impinging upon the poor introverts of the parish...

Yep. Extroverts are shallow and shit and introverts are cool and interesting and deep.

Summed it up succinctly!!

Yep. Extroverts are shallow and shit and introverts are cool and interesting and deep.

Summed it up succinctly!!grin

That's silly though, nobody is saying that here.

As an INTROVERT, I am very deep. Very, very deep indeed. I am not like all of you extroverts. When you are tired, you go to the pub with your friends to fart in each other’s faces in order to recharge your batteries. When I went to the shop the other day the man who served me at the till said “have a nice day”. This was VERY entitled and inconsiderate of him to engage me in conversation just because he loves small talk and it’s his favourite thing. He just can’t stop himself. But I am an introvert, so I was EXHAUSTED by this rudeness. I had to go home and have a bubble bath and think about how important I am.

PMSL!

Hilarious

I wonder if anyone on here has lived abroad and had to speak a second language, and if so, did it affect how much of an introvert you are? I live in Germany and speak German, but it's an effort, and I notice I've become a fair bit more introverted. Not shy - but I just run out of energy for social interaction before everyone else. DH (native German speaker) says he experienced the same when we lived in the UK, until English became second nature to him.

@toomuchtooold born and raised in a different country,living in England now. If anything I'm better now than I used to be,but I think that's more to do with having DD than location or language.

I can be antisocial in more than one language. Do I get a cookie?😬

But is English your first language sarcasm? It's really the effort of talking foreign that tires me out. (That's why I can only take my in-laws in small doses, and I'm sticking to that story )

You don't have to have a mental health problem to hate dealing with people unexpectedly. I think it's getting more pronounced now because casual contact is less common- women are not home all day cleaning and nipping in and out of each other's houses- so it's even more surprising when people turn up unexpectedly.
Also the world is more intrusive through phone, tv etc. It's a bit over stimulating out there these days, so I hide at home for a break!

Nope,second language ,but i have been learning it since primary.
I also just realised I've been lying to you. I forgot about the first few years and yes it was draining. The accent was different to what i was used to, they talked really fast(or at least what felt like it) and most of the time i just smile and nodded trying to figure out what was said. I was always playing catch-up but never quite fast enough. Didn't help that my first instinct is to be on my phone, or interact with animals or kids.

“You don't have to have a mental health problem to hate dealing with people unexpectedly.“

Of course not. But there’s a difference between hating doing it and being absolutely incapable of doing it-to the point when you have to hide and not answer the door to someone you know, and who you know is coming round to collect something. That’s getting in the way of living your life.

The examples I have earlier were small talk, but meaningful (or perhaps purposeful might be a better word) small talk as opposed to small talk which is just there for the sake of chatting. So asking for help or information which gives the other person the option of giving a brief answer and reverting to quiet rather than more open-ended small talk. ("Hi. I'm Sophie's mum. You're Ben's mum, right? How are you finding the new uniforms?")

I think that friendly silence/awkward silence thing is a big difference.

For me, doing a mutual thing together in silence is comfortable, and small talk is awkward. I have a colleague who is the other way around and I hate having lunch with her, because she gets really uncomfortable in a silent room and wants to talk whereas I want to spend my lunch break reading and not talking.

With my introvert olleagues, we started off only talking about work stuff, made very infrequent small talk until we found areas of mutual interest, started discussing those and built up to difficult, intimate, doubts/fears/ sorrows/joys type conversations.

You don't have to have a mental health problem to hate dealing with people unexpectedly.

Agree 100%. People turning up at my door unexpectedly really annoys me, whether clients, friends or family. I'm never at my best and usually end up doing/saying stupid things. I'm a completely different person when it's been pre-arranged, doesn't have to be days in advance, an hour or two notice is fine, just long enough so that I can prepare myself. Same with phone calls - again, I need a little time to get myself "in the zone" to have a sensible conversation with people - I'm usually a jibbering wreck when someone phones unexpectedly. Whenever I do anything, whether it's work, reading, driving or whatever, I want to concentrate 100% on it and unexpected distractions really wear me down.

I'm not sure everyone understands exactly what extraversion and introversion are. Extroverts are less likely to be self centred than introverts- because introversion is a propensity to focus on ones own psychic world and extraversion is to focus on the outside world (including other people).

To be fair having someone drop something off doesn't really need that much of your concentration ...
Them - "Here's the thing"
You - "Ta"

I agree scabby
hopeful that is an incredibly useful post about marriage between extroverts and introverts.

To be fair having someone drop something off doesn't really need that much of your concentration ...

Missing the point there. It's the unexpected part of it that causes the anxiety. The not knowing what to say, not knowing how to do small talk, risk of saying something stupid. If I know someone is coming, or someone is ringing, or I expect to walk into someone on the street, I'm absolutely fine. But it's "rabbit in the headlights" when it happens unexpectedly. I've been known to completely blank a friend or client in the street because at that split second, I didn't twig who they were, even though I've seen them dozens/hundreds of times before. Then almost immediately afterwards I've realised, and that's when the anxiety starts as you have to try to recover it which can make you look an ever bigger fool. Sometimes it's just easier to stay inside or go somewhere you're unlikely to meet people you may know.

I don’t think being socially awkward makes you an introvert, not at all.

What Believe said.

I've always regarded myself as an introvert and rather socially anxious, but I'm starting to wonder now. I don't recognise what people are describing on here.

It’s funny rural vs city was mentioned on s previous page. My ILs live very rurally and in the nearest village everyone knows everyone and you can’t avoid a conversation if you pop to a shop.
I saw a woman recently in a coffee shop stopped by about 3 people she seemed to know only distantly all of whom thought it somehow ok to ask her when she was due (heavily pregnant), ask if any twinges and give advice for starting labour.
As a result mh introverted ILs rarely leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Whereas I live in a city and (also an introvert) can enjoy going for coffee on my own, mooching around the shops etc without worrying that Pat from down the road will engage me in conversation or that I’ll bump into my hairdresser or whatever.

SonEtLumiere, I don't understand what is wrong with that. The extravert child gets distressed when ignored or left alone, so doesn't get out into time out when she is naughty because it's too harsh a punishment and she can get back to good behaviour better by talking through what went wrong. I used to give my introvert DD time outs all the time, because she needed the time and space to calm down before she could change her behaviour.