To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I see nothing like the obsession over extroversion that I do over introversion.
I don't think it's an obsession as such. My observation is it's more a novelty that it's being discussed as a normal and acceptable way to be. Until relatively recently, introversion tended to be seen as a disorder and introverted kids and adults were treated accordingly. But I think the Internet possibly made it easier for introverts to communicate with the outside world and gave them more of a 'voice'. Eg in group discussions and conversations, the way business was done and people interacted, introverts tended to be at a disadvantage. But with the internet, email, etc., lately it's become more socially acceptable to be 'out' as one. Although some who identify as extroverts seem to view discussion of introversion as a personal attack on them. Which it absolutely is not.

I'm a massive extrovert, but I think I get how introverts feel. I do sometimes feel a bit hurt when they cancel the millionth social engagement(that they initiated) but I am always nice about it, I know that we are not all the same. So I think you're generalising in a slightly unpleasant way.

If I read that profile in a work context for a colleague Ladygrant, in my head I'd be running a mile screaming

Yep me too. I hate that whole work ethos of enforced socialising. Years ago when I worked in the NHS we would have "away days" where we would be sat with total strangers, expected to network, take part in fucking awful workshops with role plays. Everything designed for the loud, brash extroverts.

Question for introverts.
I am unsure how to go about being your friends. I want to be (I am an extrovert and want to be friends with everyone). I also want to be considerate.
So, do I keep on inviting you to stuff and initiate conversation and not take it personally when you decline.
Or, is that stressful? In which case shall I just not invite you to chatter to you? So then we can’t really establish a friendship close enough for companiable silence etc.
Or as an introvert do you not want to be my friends and wish I would go away?

I find the school run stuff hard. I am sociable and love catching up with other parents and having play dates etc. I am also mindful that we must be inclusive and not a clique. So try and chat and invite everyone. But now Mumsnet is telling me that introverts hate it and wish we would leave them alone. Blimey what a minefield when you are just offering so go to the park with the kids for a bit and some adult conversation!!!!

Ploppymoodypants like the meetoo stuff where you get all these men saying 'I dont know how to flirt anymore I'm frightened I'm going to be accused of rape!'.... not true is it because it's not flirting that's the problem its persistence when someone is visibly not into it... and then aggression or taking personal offense if someone is not responding in the way they like.

That's what I compare it to.... its lovely to be a sociable person who says hi to people at the school gate and tries to initiate conversation... theres obviously nothing wrong with that at all it's a lovely way to be....
The problem comes from people who get offended or passive aggressive about peoples lack of response.. that's what's stressful. It's the implication that theres something wrong with you if you dont want to hang out and chat.

Trying to be friendly is lovely and inviting people to stuff is not an issue, and is not what introverts are referring to on this thread!

Moodypants it depends on the context. I was never interested in socialising with other school mums though did a few nights out early on to establish basic connections. Outside of that, I’d really need to connect with someone to establish a new friendship. I’ve a friend I’ve known for 2 years and we bonded in work by clicking on the occasions we crossed paths. It did include small talk at the water cooler, instigated by her and I realised instantly that I liked her a lot. She knows I’m an occasional socialiser so we chat in work (no longer small talk) then go out for dinner together maybe once a year. I’m very lucky that I’ve met women who whilst they are extroverts, accept me. Funnily enough now I think, all my friends are extroverts!

And what a lovely question btw, moody

That's just it ploppy isn't it?

If you don't talk to me, don't answer my messages, turn away if you see me coming...
Then I'll presume you don't want to be friends, and I'll make friends with people who chat, smile at me, invite me to do stuff and are happy to put the world to rights for hours on end.

But don't, then, complain that my friends and I are cliquey, that we are excluding you or being mean, when you haven't indicated in any way that you want to be friends.

I need to be with people. Preferably ones who are talking. Otherwise I go stir crazy. I live with a few extroverts, so when at home I am alone, to all intents and purposes. That 15 minutes at the school gate is often what keeps me alive and stops me from getting depressed.
If you don't want to join in, fine. I'll presume that look I am interpreting as 'the evils' is just your thinking face.

If my extended family don't want to be there for important things (birth of my child, for instance) because it's all too much people. I can understand, but if I've been in hospital for days with just my lovely DP for company, I will need some people time urgently.
So don't complain that my friends have seen the new baby before you!

I'm an extreme introvert, I'm passed caring what people think of me, even at work. I'm always polite and chat when I'm spoken to but I rarely feel the need to start conversations. I sometimes feel I'm only a part of society because of work. If I won the lottery I would buy a house with a big garden and just potter about all day every day and not speak to anyone other than DP and family

Ploppy "Today is tricky, how about next week?" is a want-to-be-friends sort of answer, whereas "No" (swivels eyes madly) "Just can't" (think Brian in Spaced) is a you-terrify-me-let's-never-speak-again sort of answer ...
Personally (and I'm a happy on my own sort of person) if someone says "no" and doesn't offer a reason or an alternative then l assume they don't want to socialise with me and don't ask again.

@ploppymoodypants I can only speak for myself here, but I really don't mind being invited anywhere, chatting (even if I do feel a tad anxious about being a bore - but that's my issue, not yours) or having a bit of adult conversation. I do enjoy socialising! I suppose the same rules apply as for everything else really, treat others as you would like to be treated, and always with respect, as it sounds like you do anyway. Maybe bear in mind the other person may decline the invitation for whatever reason, and it's probably not personal. I guess there may be other cues, eg on public transport, if someone is reading or listening to music, they're probably not up for a chat. I guess problems arise when people demand you go into social situations and don't respect their reasons for declining, which is what I think the OP is describing.

@isittheholidaysyet You sound just like me.

My worst nightmare is being left alone with no interaction for long periods. I really need to be around people. Not necessarily always interacting, but just being around them.

Consequently, I love city dwelling and would die if I lived rurally.

There is nothing I enjoy more than socialising. Introverts have little to offer me in terms of satisfying my needs, so my preference is for extroverts.

lady
I live rurally! 😂
But it's because I love the 'everyone knows each other' thing. You can walk round Tesco and find someone you know to chat to.
Kids swimming lessons? There's that woman you went to toddler group with. Pub...you'll know someone.

(Also typo in my previous post. DP and my older kids are introverts, that's why I spend so much time on social media!)

@Ploppymoodypants in my specific case social normal cues still apply.
So if I smile,I'm open,make chit chat and give you my full attention you're already "in".
If I'm rushing,shout hello over my shoulder or have my head in my phone..not a good moment.
Don't make stupid jokes. Don't assume not right now or a particular circumstance means a complete no. Especially if I offer alternatives,ask for your number to arrange something or say I will get back to you. Because I'm not a dick and I will get back to you.

I probably sound boring and complicated, I'm not. I even initiate contact myself (really had to push myself into this for DD's sake).

yoursarcasm I can understand all of those social cues. They go for extroverts too. Thank you to you and everyone who has answered by query. My conclusion is that all introverts and extroverts are different, like all other humans 😊

P.s. to those who mentioned it, don’t worry about being a bore. I can count on one hand the conversations I have had that are boring. I like talking and listening about anything, it’s sharing ideas and opinions. I learn so much. Apologies to everyone I have bored myself 😁

Ploppymoodypants, your question was a huge eye opener for me because it shows what different assumptions people make when you mentioned being close enough for companionable silence.

For me, companionable silence is the first stage in making a friend. In a school has context, this would mean that before speaking to someone, I would go through a couple of initial stages first.

To start with, there's a sort of observing and acknowledging. You don't speak to each other, but you notice what that person is doing, and see you if you have anything in common, and you make eye contact and smile at them in greeting. Then you make smiling a habit, with some other sort of greeting body language, like a nod towards them when you meet. Then you wait until there is a moment of shared experience - a child does something funny, or there is interesting weather, or you show up in the same hat, or are reading the same book, and you comment on it, and go back to companionable silence.

Alternatively, you avoid meaningless small talk by going straight to meaningful small talk, ie you ask the introvert for a very tiny amount of help or information e.g. "Sophie said something about a cake stall, but I didn't get a letter - have you heard anything about it?".

Since childhood I’ve suffered with anxiety. Found it hard to make friends and would feel shaky with anxiety having to socialise with unfamiliar groups of people. Found school hard, some would insist they had never heard me speak!

Now I am in a relationship with an extrovert who has a close friendship group. I manage my anxiety now and have come to terms with who I am and can usually handle it just fine when last minute socialising is landed on me. However...I don’t enjoy it!

Dp is from a very social family. Great conversations who love getting to know people. I on the other hand am quite choosy with who I befriend. Not because I don’t like people but because I don’t feel comfortable with those who are very different to me. He can’t understand how I can be happy to spend an entire weekend alone if he’s away working and says he worries about me. He thinks it’s unhealthy.

For me I can absolutely understand needing time to recover after socialising. I sometimes feel hungover afterwards even if I haven’t been drinking!

I work in quite a physical job and I’m quite protective of my weekends. I hate having plans made for me when I’m so looking forward to doing my own thing. So much so that last year when we were invited to an impromptu bbq I said I’d been asked to babysit and went off instead for some me time! I was just too tired to pretend to be enthusiastic about making small talk when I didn’t even want to be there.

To be honest I think life would be easier for me if I wasn’t an introvert. I think people would describe be as a little reserved, laid back and calm. A good conversationalist. But it takes all my effort and a bit of acting to come across that way as it is really not what I am usually feeling.

Thanks @ploppymoodypants That's actually very reassuring :-D You do sound very likeable so don't think you have much to worry about

It's funny how all the extroverts turned up on this thread assuming introverts look down their noses at them, being majorly defensive and rude yet claiming they're such easy going, happy, people's-person.

@thatwouldbeanecumialmatter... And yet here you are... Looking down your nose at them and being rude 😂

Broomstick
Interesting. Extrovert me would call that first stage 'awkward silence'.
You don't know each, you have no idea what the other is thinking, you are not sure how to act, whether to speak or not, or how they will react.

Companionable silence for me is the one of the last stages of friendship.
You are all talked out (often over years) you know the person so well, that you don't have to speak because you know what they are thinking. You can tell from subtle body language. You no longer need to speak, because words aren't always necessary for communication, by now.
You trust each other enough to know that the other's persons silence doesn't mean they are sad, doesn't mean they are cross with you.
(Or you know them well enough to know that they are in their 'cave' right now, and you are free to be in the same room and leave them alone without worrying about them, or that you've done something wrong.)

Your example of meaningful talk would be on my small talk, conversation starter list!😂

Maybe we are all just from different planets!

I love all my friends but honestly it is such hard work trying to tip toe around the introverts and all their needs all the time.

My needs will always have to come after theirs, everything is on their terms (sometimes I just need a laugh, a glass of wine and a chat when my life's tough, for example.) And that can be tough.

I am prone to being an introvert myself so I guess I'm sensitive to it, but its a pattern I've seen

I am chatty akways have been as a child i was constantly told to be quiet i talked too much etc. I have grown up feelng really self conscious that i talk too much, after 3very social event i question my dp if i was too loud too chatty etc. Its very annoying but just like the introvert i cant help its a physical need to talk. Trust me the world is no easier for the chatty people. I also need quiet time on my own i just dont bang on about it lol

Although some of my oldest and best friends are introverts, these days i tend to avoid quiet people that require more effort to have a conversation with. I love a good natter but I'm not going to pull it out of people so I just move on.

Babydarlingdolly Oh yeah sorry, forgot only extroverts are allowed to express criticism.