To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

It strikes me as a little funny how incredibly popular lol these introverts seems to be!

Fielding invites on an hourly basis it would seem? Extroverts begging then to reconsider

I can never figure out where I sit as an introvert or extrovert. I love to socialise and never feel drained by family and friends. I'm chatty and friendly. I don't need a lot of time alone.

I can also be very reserved, and don't like big groups of people I don't know. I hate when friends bring along friends I wasn't expecting. I hate small talk.

Probably an introvert?

Ok reading more of this thread I think I'm a shy extrovert.

I did once walk out of a parent teacher evening when the teacher made everyone go round and say something about themselves. There was no way.

Kikipost - yes I always wonder at how popular these introverts are too

waiting you are far from alone in that category. I imagine a fair few of the “introverts” on here are shy, not introverted.

Conversely, confident people can be labelled as extroverts when that’s not their preference.

This has been interesting- I had a bit of a revelation mid thread..,

I thought I was becoming more introverted with age. The truth is, I was always an introvert but circumstances made me appear extroverted. I needed to get away from my parents, then didn't want to look like a Billy no mates, or miss out on something everyone else enjoyed.
I can only cope with parties by having a 'role', so I look like the life and soul of the party.
As I've got older I care less about what I am supposed to enjoy, and just don't do it.

Also, although an introvert, i do process externally so need to talk tricky things through. Which muddies the waters a bit.

Why do some extroverts feel so challenged by introverts saying they like being an introvert, by the way?

pickle "I thought I was becoming more introverted with age. The truth is, I was always an introvert "

same here

the cycle for me was that to get through school and working life, I was forced to be an extrovert. I still think it's extremely difficult to find a working environment that is okay with people being introverted.

I also used to cope with parties and things by having a role, at work dos I would volunteer to organise things. When I hit late 30s, I just started saying "no, I don't do this kind of thing" because by then it affected me so much and wore me out so much, I just couldn't any more.

I think I'm somewhere in the middle, but closer to introverted. I avoid parties and large groups, as I feel overwhelmed very quickly. A smaller group is lovely though - sitting round a table with friends and a meal, having a laugh and sharing the evening is wonderful. My husband is extroverted, so he loves his loud gigs (he has a gig-buddy he goes to those with) and parties. The parties we both go to are usually walking distance from home, with local friends, so I can stay a few hours and have fun, then say a quiet goodbye to the hosts and head off home. He, meanwhile, is left deep in the thick of things, having a great time and happy to wander home with a song in his heart and a smile on his face in the small hours. It's the best of both worlds, and relies on acceptance. He doesn't have to understand, because he accepts.

yes I always wonder at how popular these introverts are too 

Because being an introvert doesn't mean we live under a rock or we are unable to form relationships. Add in kids and their social calendar and relationships formed through them and you end up with quite a few people in your life. Then there's work commitments/events and some periods are busier than others.

There's no need to be so baffled that there are people that enjoy spending time with us.

I suspect that extroverts may feel rejection more keenly than introverts?

After sharing the example of my gran’s reactions to the silence between my grandad and I, it made me wonder if she was sensing the bond in some way. Not jealous exactly but aware of being outside in some undefinable way?

I’m not sure.... obviously extroverts are not quite the open book they seemed at the start of this thread

With my own dc I would not punish my extrovert dd with a time out because it’s just too much. She seems better able to get a handle on her behavior when we talk it out.

I think that's it, more sensitive to rejection

I’m not so sure. I don’t think being sensitive has anything to do with introversion & extroversion, but sometimes it can be about whether opposing sides actually us believe each other and I guess this could lead to the E’s feeling rejected.

I’m told some people like noisy parties and loud music. I do find this hard to believe but other people going to them has no impact on me.

OTOH I like doing things by myself. Some people (MIL is one), don’t believe this to be true. They think I’m putting a brave face on things because they can’t conceive I’d make that choice. They feel rejected because they don’t believe my preference for solitude isn’t a personal rejection.

@Alice I have the same issue with my mother in law.

I once overheard somebody say I was “miserable” in a sneering sort of way which put me off human contact for a while.

I have a rich inner life and lots of imagination. A small handful of friends I see occasionally and family.

I can just imagine Alice's MiL. Alice hates me so much she'd rather be on her own than spend time with me...

It gives me the fear how many people think you owe them time and interaction... and not to give that freely is 'rude'.... my idea of a nightmare! What is actually wrong with wanting to be left alone alot of the time? Why is anyone bothered by that? Some people on this thread are absolutely livid about other people not wanting visitors or not wanting to go out.... that is nuts! Does it harm you if someone doesn't say hello on the street or doesn't seem to want to join you for an after work pint? No. It doesn't. There are plenty of people about who would do those things why dont you just find them and leave the loners alone!!

I think the problem is too that everyone has an extreme example in their head... most people just try their best and maybe err towards extroversion or introversion but basically live and let live.....
But there are those people out there and both 'sides' who are aggressive, controlling and extreme with it... and those are the ones you remember your interactions with the most arent they!!

For example I had a 'friend' who was very extroverted, and on top of which she had borderline personality disorder.... so I was inclined to try and work with her demands for interaction as she was ill and I knew it hurt her more than other people to not have her calls answered etc..... but it turned into my literal worst nightmare.... in the end I was getting up to ten calls a day and hundreds of messages... all very emotionally intense and draining.... and the more I tried to pull back the more it upped because it made her upset.... if I didnt agree to meet her or attend an event with her then the contact would get more aggressive.... I obviously kept letting her down because I couldn't deal with it at all... and that fed into her sense of rejection and made her cling to me even more.... it was incredibly toxic....
In the end I sadly just had to block her on everything, get rid of my phone, change my email, move house and cross the street if ever I saw her. Which must've been painful for her but there was literally nothing 3lse I could do. I was having nightmares about her that she was strangling me etc etc I had to go on anti anxiety medication. If she had been a man idve actually called the police about it. She used to walk past my house several times a day....

And so this is what I think of when people say 'pop by' and get a bit angry about time not being given... it gives me the absolute fear!

My close friends know me inside out and they are happy do the heavy lifting of keeping contact up and instigating. I let a few newer friendships slide because the other person felt I wasn’t making an effort. I spoken openly with my close friends about how I am and they said “It’s fine Emc, we know you of old and that you go to ground. We know when to worry but mostly that we don’t need to”. They value my friendship more than etiquette

I’m not going to make sweeping statements unlike the OP but I find the current cult of introversion extremely tiresome.

I, like the vast majority of people, am close to the mid point between introvert and extrovert. I’m perhaps slightly closer to introvert, but it’s pretty negligible. True introverts and true extroverts are very rare, because introversion and extroversion are actually disorders.

But somehow, introversion has become shorthand for all kinds of qualities that a lot of people want to associate themselves with. Things like sensitivity, creativity, intelligence, thoughtfulness, depth of mind and discernment.

Unless people have true introversion or extroversion disorders (in which case they require psychiatric assistance), these labels aren’t meaningful ways of categorising people. We are all basically in the middle, with small variations. It’s not a binary system where you can divide people into categories and then say ‘those mean extroverts just don’t understand me, a gentle and thoughtful introvert.’

That doesn’t mean, OP, that you don’t have asshole family members who impose on your time and cause you annoyance. It just means that it has far, far less to do with your ‘introvert status’ than you think.

introversion has become shorthand for all kinds of qualities that a lot of people want to associate themselves with. Things like sensitivity, creativity, intelligence, thoughtfulness, depth of mind and discernment.

I’m not sure I agree. The biggest extrovert I know has all of the qualities you list. As an introvert I’m not particularly thoughtful or discerning and definitely not creative. I’ll take the other 3 though

Not at all Pickle I'm one of those rare women (on MN) who gets on with my MIL.

Her attempts to frustrate my schemes to have some time out come from a place of kindness. She genuinely believes she should come with me to get a pint of milk or whatever "so I don't have to be on my own"

I'm not offended by it.

Only in the same way extroversion has become shorthand for confident, leader, capable etc.

I disagree. I see nothing like the obsession over extroversion that I do over introversion.

I think it's that privilege thing. It's quite easy to be out in the world as an extrovert. I have a lovely friend, she's got all the qualities the world loves! She does feel it hard on those rare occasions the world (or an element of it) disapproves of her.

Just be honest with people, the way you're coming across on here I'm sure people will stop begging to socialise with you soon enough