To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

I was just going to say that too - being an extrovert isn't synonymous with being a pushy twat!

If we stick to the definition of extrovert = gets energy from interacting with people and introvert = gets energy from being on their own then I am firmly an introvert. I’ve had a three day training course this week, and the course leader was encouraging everyone to network in the free time and was astounded when that didn’t happen. I personally needed the time between the end of day and evening meal to recharge mentally and not steam off to the bar to exchange business cards. I did enough “networking” during our open sessions and over meals to be professional and get the benefit of the course.

Some of the examples in this thread aren’t extroverts not understanding introverts, they’re inconsiderate selfish twats. But I have experienced the bafflement from people when I say I just need some time and am happy to have lunch on my own, or go for a solo walk and recharge. That’s when it’s hard to convince that’s it’s nothing personal, I’m not in a huff or I’m not trying to avoid people I ‘dont like’. That’s when I get the frustration of the OP - when is it acceptable for your need for conversation to override my need for some peace?

I'm another introvert with mainly extrovert friends, like previous posters, I think they can make great friends. They definately "carry" social occasions but seem to enjoy it and they keep inviting me so it must work for them on some level.

Narcissistic behaviour is not the preserve of all extraverts.
Oh I know. I also have extroverted friends who are a breath of fresh air, I envy their energy.
After reading this thread I definitely have a better understanding of how they must feel at times.
When I don't want to attend it is rarely about the host. It is sad some extrovert people feel they're not liked, this is rarely the case.
It is a good balance in most considerate friendships & relationships.

Personally l love extroverts. Always up for stuff, always pleased to hear from you, always got something to say ...

^This

Introversion / extroversion is a preference not a diagnosis.

I prefer tea, but can drink coffee. I prefer socialising in small groups but cope in larger ones.

Many of the examples cited on this thread have nothing to with whether someone is an I or an E.

Neither does a lack of empathy, manners or social graces.

Emeraldshamrock your friend sounds totally draining. Lots of extroverts don’t talk about themselves all the time, I know I am really interested in other people and ask them lots of questions. I also wouldn’t hound people to meet up all the time as I am definitely more self aware than that. Sproutingcorn just love the way you have found an extrovert way to express your desire to being on your own. You made your evening on your own sound so fun, you almost fooled me into thinking I would enjoy it myself! I totally wouldn’t keep encouraging you to come out if you made it so clear that you couldn’t wait to be on your own and were really looking forward to it. I think we could all take a leaf out of your book in terms of trying to understand how to communicate with each other.

I would always have said that I was a very strong introvert, but I think I am in the process of becoming an extroverted introvert. I DO enjoy parties and talking to people now, but I still hate unannounced visits etc. I do find that my extroverted friends can't really understand my "lack of drive" - that I can be happy "never achieving much" while they are driven (and I do feel sometimes unhealthily) to strive and perform constantly. However my introversion is, I believe, a product of years of abuse..and that abuse means that to me the simple things that others can take for granted - clean clothes, a meal on the table, we've survived another day as a family and love each other, are HUGE victories to me..and I am content with that. Very. The world needs us both I think..we both bring different things to the table..and we should be kinder to each other.

In my relationship it's the other way round. We are completely at opposite ends of the spectrum, me highly extroverted and DP highly introverted. It's me that has done more of the meeting in the middle/ accommodating his needs.

I'm very mindful that he needs time and space to recharge and that I let him do this. If it was up to me, we'd be interacting almost constantly and I'm aware that I can be exhausting.

What he doesn't realise is that I do want/ need interaction from him and I can feel like I'm pestering for kisses .

And to follow on from funnelfanjo’s post, the introverts may well go for a sleep or a walk between the end of a course day and dinner whilst the extroverts are in the bar. They might also use their preferred communication style to network with other delegates by email or social media.

Introverts are not islands.

“It is sad some extrovert people feel they're not liked, this is rarely the case.”
Reading threads like this can do that to a person!

I'm not sure being extroverted is correlated with being driven. I'm very much a perfectionist and very goal oriented yet not at all extroverted.

The whole of western society is catered towards extroverts and if you are an introvert then tough luck, you have to try and go against your own nature so that you fit in. This is why there is so much depression and suicide in the west - because the people in charge tend to be extroverts (and often at the socio/psychopathic end of extroversion) and they dictate how they believe society should be (and what is considered "normal" behaviour - i.e if you're not an extrovert there must be something wrong with you).

If you are an introvert you are basically fucked because capitalism and the current set-up of western society worships big egos, big personalities and bullies and demands introverts adapt in order to get a foot in the rat race. It's horrible and soul destroying.

I understand threads may make extroverts feel unlinked however you guys can go back into a world where you are the norm and everyone likes you. Save for a few online introverts, no one will even bat an eyelid at your behaviour.

Yet we exist in a world that is designed for someone else and so have to constantly try to moderate our nature and it's exhausting.

Can’t believe all those indicating that the extroverts force them to attend parties / dinners / other social engagements

The dictionary definition of an introvert doesn’t include the word “spineless”.

Grow a back bone and decline. Chance are that if you’re not keen anyway, the inviter isn’t particularly bothered about you coming anyway

Kiki I outright tell them no. I get accused of being rude. I'm very much someone who says what I think and they dislike that.

I'm not sure being extroverted is correlated with being driven. I'm very much a perfectionist and very goal oriented yet not at all extroverted.

For sure, I can be driven when I have a specific task to achieve..I will go all out to do my best at it..but my extroverted friends have a different kind of drive..one in particular doesn't seem to be able to bear to have any free time..if she has an unexpected day off she will strive to fill it with meeting someone or just some form of virtuous doing (but not for herself). She finds my ability to completely enjoy a day to myself wrong, I find her inability to take a day for herself without feeling intense guilt (and she does), worrying. I will die an underachiever in her terms, but I worry that she will burn herself out and have a massive meltdown eventually. Which is worse? Who knows.

“The dictionary definition of an introvert doesn’t include the word “spineless”.

And the dictionary definition of an extrovert doesn’t include the word “arsehole”.

Thanks Mummadeeze definitely agree the understanding has to go both ways!

going to copy a pp and say, OP, I love you

It is often the case that no matter how many times you say it, people don't listen.

I love my mum to bits and spend a lot of time actually staying in her home at the moment after dad died.

whenever I'm back in my flat, she asks me what I'll be doing, where I'll be going, who is coming round etc etc. I've explained that after spending days at a time with her, I will be needing alone time but she thinks it's a worry that I'm not spending enough time with my friends when I'm home!

I don't feel extroverts are out to get me - l like the idea there's friends ready to go when l've had enough of my own company. If someone is hounding you then that makes them a thoughtless git rather than anything else ...

I prefer to socialise in smaller crowds. I can talk for England and can be the life and soul of a party and then not want to go out again for a while. I have days where I want to do nothing and days where I want to be around people. I love socialising and I love going home and relaxing.

I 'recharge' through socialising some days and other days I recharge by being on my own.

I don't need to label myself an introvert or an extrovert. I am just who I am.

Saying that extroverts don't think as much, are pushy, bossy, loud mouthed and so on is bollocks. If people you know are this way it has nothing to do with them being an extrovert.

@Seline

How often does it actually happen? Honestly.

None of us on mumsnet are in the first flush of youth where meeting lots of new people all the time. And often those inviting are old friends. So how frequently are you invited out, tell them no, and they say you’re rude

sproutingcorm that’s exactly how to get an extrovert to understand.
If you said the first thing to me I would assume you didn’t like me (especially if I had seen you socialise with someone else).
If you said the second thing I could understand immediately.

Kiki in my case, fairly often, because my in-laws are a huge family of almost exclusive extroverts. They think I'm standoffish and rude when it's just that I like my privacy. DH is in the middle and they think he's weird, they think I'm some sort of psychopath.