To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

but you're not happy! None of the emotions described around this type of behaviour is happy. People are saying I feel drained (drained not being a happy emotion!) by a message?! That is not healthy or happy behaviour.?

But you've latched on to one tiny example from my life (fair enough, as I haven't mentioned anything else) and extrapolated it to be my whole life, and projected that I'm very unhappy, and/or dysfunctional, which just isn't true. What I haven't mentioned is that I have a very peopley job, where I'm often the centre of attention, and that I have very social hobbies. I'm very good at peopling and I enjoy it and enjoy my life - that sits side by side with the fact that too much peopling on any given day or week drains me.

winsin I'm afraid i agree with your mum a bit, i do think it's a bit weak and needy to need others. I really dislike people emotionally needing me when i don't need them.

I used to be like you @Seline Years ago, before marriage and my DS, I thought introverts didn't like me. It just took some empathy and understanding on my part, and a willingness to let me know what their needs were on theirs.
I used to also have a number of fellow extraverts on hand who'd always be up for a chat etc

I used to be a people pleaser, with an intense need to be liked. Now i don't care if people don't like me, or make snap judgements about me. I enjoy my own company more, avoid people amongst whom I feel as though I can't be myself with.

I think that everyone I know has a story to tell about being told to be different as a teenager, I don't think you're as unique in that as you appear to think OP.

Personally l love extroverts. Always up for stuff, always pleased to hear from you, always got something to say ... I've always been a bit anxious about social interaction and someone who's reliably cheerful and full of beans is a joy to me as l don't have to tie myself in knots trying to work out if they don't want to do a thing because they don't like me or not!
That said, l like my own company but l also like other people to be straightforward about whether they like it or not, and l find some people very hard to read. Not their fault, just saying ...

I’m an introvert and I’m married to an introvert. We both have extremely social jobs. I’m a risk taker and relish change. I’m a morning person! There are no stereotypical traits except that you recharge via solitude. We both come home and sit on the sofa in comfortable silence.

I find it frustrating that introversion is synonymous with shy, reserved, misanthropic, etc.

Bizarrely most of my very good friends are strong extroverts. I appreciate them for who they are, and they appreciate me.

Argh I tagged the wrong person in my post - sorry @Seline

@TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu

I wish it was kids or even teenagers as it would be understandable.

Both those people are 50. Today I was serenaded early by their folk music really loud but if I put Blind Guardian in quietly at half ten it’s all shhhhh we’re sleeping

I meant to tag @mummadeeze in my post above. I haven't got my glasses on!

Fwiw op (speaking an introvert with an extrovert dh) I have reasonable success when explaining my introvertedness in an extrovert way.

So instead of saying "I don't want guests. I'm a very introverted person and need a day of solitude" [introvert speak] leaving them wondering why (is it me?, she doesn't like me, does my breath smell) , when people say "oh come on out, you'll feel better for it" (genuinely worried for you or just wanting you to join the gang) you need to reply in an enthusiastic and emphatic manner

"you're kidding aren't you? Thanks so much for the invite, I really appreciate it, perhaps next week, but tonight I literally can't wait to shut my front door behind me, jump in to my pjs and have a nice glass of white wine in total silence" or words to that effect.

You have to speak their [extrovert] language!

It's just a different way of explaining that while they draw strength from others, you draw strength from solitude.

I meant to say 10:30pm, they were playing folk at 6:30am and still playing it now. And they constantly want social time out of me when all I want to do is recharge!

I'm an introvert and I think the OP is right, but I am also aware that my extravert friends do a lot more of the heavy lifting in maintaining relationships and wider networks of friends. I would find it a lot harder to have a group of friends who I could opt in to spending time with if it weren't for my extravert friends.

@sproutingcorm I'd be happy with either explanation BUT as an old and wise extravert a simple 'no, I can't make it' suffices anyway if someone doesn't want to play out :D

Yes, like Fleuriepeninsula a lot of my friends are extroverts for the reasons that Usedtobefeckless described! And I think extroverts and introverts can make good marriage partners because they balance one another out a bit!

Thank you @broomstickoflove as an extravert I'm so grateful for the understanding of my introvert friends when I want peace from the party crowd!

Wrennatsworthy ah but that's assuming a "no I can't make it" satisfies the people asking first time ifyswim, which in my experience, being an old (perhaps not so wise! introvert) it often doesn't! If that makes sense!

Also, I'm definitely more of a morning person. I realised quite recently that while I'm an introvert all be the time, I find night time socialising particularly draining. So I've started doing more stuff like meeting up for brunch or daytime activities with my extravert friends, and it's a lot easier.

mumadeeze I don't think you sound intolerable at all, you sound like the type of person I would get on with as maybe you would 'take over' a bit and personally I like that. I do think you are right actually that perhaps I don't get extroverted people ad much as I thought too, I'm ashamed to admit that thinking about it I guess I have judged the other way round too, like when my friend needs to always be with people so if dh is away she had to go out and I have thought 'can't you just enjoy your kids on your own' so I guess it does work both ways. It's just the same person literally hounds me to meet up all the time, fb organised event meet up type things etc and when I do go and feel pleased that I have made the effort, she spends the whole time planning the next one, it is draining.
Fwiw, I really don't as a rule though think of myself as superior, it's a trait I actually hate in myself and feel guilty about (Why do I need time away from people I love). But I can't change and it does get me down when people refuse to accept on mn that it isn't rude, it's who the person is

I very much agree with fleuriepeninsula's post. Introversion isn't shyness, misanthropy, lack of confidence or social anxiety. DH, DC1 and I are all introverts. DH and I have jobs that involve being with people all day, and we're good at them and enjoy them. We have good work and personal relationships. While we have a strong need for regular solitude and quiet (unlike MIL and DC2), this doesn't mean we're arseholes in situations where solitude and quiet aren't on offer.

I think extroverts don't 'think' as much, so less aware. Also they probably have a tendency to try to get the introverts to buck themselves up type of thing. And they probably tend to be bossier? Sorry to the extroverts..

Honestly, these days it wouldn't bother me @SproutingCorm
It's so rare for me these days to be in a situation where if someone turns down an invitation I'd be upset about it.
I make new friends easily and am often turning down invitations because I don't have time to go. I run 2 businesses and work part time.
I'm also ALWAYS in the bath, it made me laugh earlier when a PP said about the way extraverts recharge. I love a good soak and a book, just as much as the next person!

@WrenNatsworthy that implies that "no , I can't make it" is accepted straight away. It also implies no come backs like "oh you really don't like us,do you?".
And while I don't want to attend certain events ,especially work ones , 90% of the time I genuinely can't..I have a kid and OH works long hours and sometimes away for weeks on end.

But there will be times when he will need to participate in group activities so maybe the teacher is trying to get him used to participating?

He does when there's a reason to do it. He's just been in a debate about brexit on the hall stage in front of the entire year. He's done solo musical recitals when necessary in earlier years. He's got top marks in group science experiments. So he can do it when there's a need. What he doesn't do is shout out every answer or put up his hand to every single question during normal lessons. Yet some teachers criticise for that for no obvious reason. He's not a mute hermit at school, just not as gobby as some of his classmates. In the first year, we asked his head of year about it who was his geography teacher - she said to just let him be as he was obviously engaging with lessons in his own way and progressing well so there was no problem.

This is a great thread, My extrovert friend physically and mentally drains me, her car pulled up on Friday my heart sank, 6 hours of chatting while I made dinner, tidied up and got ready for work, she continued talking about herself when I left the room just got louder. She is not just an extrovert she is only interested in her own life.
I have been direct many times but the constant calls texts and dropping in is driving me insane.

Yes, @yoursarcasmisdripping if you say no, I can't make it, I accept it with no come backs. I'm an extravert, not a wanker.

I might say, never mind, another time or something. I know that if you want to spend time with me, we'll arrange something later.

@EmeraldShamrock my ex ibtrovert friend used to behave that way. Narcissistic behaviour is not the preserve of all extraverts.