To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

@LoniceraJaponica
for me it’s definitely both physical and mental exhaustion. I don’t resent socialising at all - I’m always very grateful to be thought of and invited, even if I decline the invitation. But even if time spent with people was very eagerly anticipated and very much enjoyed, I definitely need to rest both my body and my mind the next day.

I agree I think this has been a fascinating read. And I am now wondering if DH is in fact not an extrovert. He is very loud and friendly and chatty and sociable. But after a day or night of socialising he has had his ‘fix’ and likes to recharge alone.
Me on the other hand, think to myself, ooh this was so much fun, how can we prolong it or arrange it again. I am complete text book.

Sometimes what comes across as a superiority complex is introverts vocalizing an awareness that there’s actually nothing wrong with me despite years of being told that there is

No one has mentioned yet the deep companionable silence. I used to love sitting with my grandfather, curled up against him watching the sunset or the rabbits in a field or walking home holding his hand. We talked at other times of course, but we also had these lovely contented silences together. And there’s a deep connection and intimacy in them. I miss him so much my warm hearted, kind and lovely granny used to worry that we didn’t get on or were rowing, or automatically turn on the radio to fill the gap

Another extrovert bashing thread. In answer to one comment; I don't think anyone, introvert or extrovert, wants a stranger visiting straight after birth, unless they're a health visitor.

@Mummadeeze I'm probably going to sound like a dick and I don't mean to , but I think it's much easier to satisfy the need to interact with people than the need for alone time.
However I am sorry that your needs are being completely ignored and neglected in your relationship. Because no matter how easy your needs might be fulfilled by others, they should also be met by the one person that's supposed to always be there for you(isn't that the whole point of a romantic relationship?), even if it's not all the time.

How does this work though? You want your friends to be there when you reach out to them, but don't want them to reach out to you when they want / need to?

In my case, and bear in mind I am an extreme introvert, I don't really have friends as such. I have online friends, I have people I play Dungeons&Dragons with and I have my husband's friends. But I don't have anyone who I have what people typically get from friendships with. These people allow me to gain social interaction with very little demands up in myself and very little expectations. It works for me.

I would like a couple of close friends who understand me, I do have one but he moved abroad so we rarely see each other now. However I'm content with how it is because it means I'm rarely obligated to engage in social situations except with my in-laws which is a different case

Oh also I try to ‘impose’ myself on other extroverts ofr people who have actively sought my company. I don’t hassle all the cool and interesting introverts to entertain loud brash me 😉 (hopefully 🙈).

Upon not up in

If you were in the USA (with insurance) and went to a doctor saying you were introverted no doubt you would be seeing a psychiatrist every week and taking a few pills every day and be diagnosed with ADHD, autism etc.

Imagine going to an NHS GP and saying you find socialising hard work and prefer your own company! Might get put on a waiting list for one session with a counsellor in 3 years time.

Someone’s need to be alone comes at the expense sometimes of the other persons need for company.

I understand this but extroverts are easier to find than introverts, so if an introvert doesn't want to spend time with you then surely you can find another extrovert?

I don't hate extroverts by the way. I just think there's a lack of understanding of introversion and I'm sick of people accusing me of being rude and horrible because I like my privacy

Polar I don't understand? I have ADHD, I'm medicated, I'm still an introvert. I know introverts and extroverts with ADHD.

Do you work Seline?
How old is/are your DC?
If your DC are school age how do you deal with interactions at school?

Sorry for all the questions BTW. I am just trying to understand.

On the face of it, I am undoubtedly an extrovert.
On the face of it, my dh is undoubtedly an introvert.
On the face of it, we both occupy the more extreme and opposite ends of the spectrum.

The reality of our life together at home is that I spend the late evenings in quiet contemplation while dh wants to discuss anything and everything that has randomly piqued his interest. He gets frustrated with me because I am so quiet and unresponsive. I get exasperated with him because his well-intentioned burbling is draining my last.

If the definition is going by our behaviour when we are out of the company of others, who is the introvert...me or dh?

*We're happy if people leave us alone

How does this work though? You want your friends to be there when you reach out to them, but don't want them to reach out to you when they want / need to?*

It’s a good point Tamere. In my case I am always there when friends are in need of help and support emotionally or physically, my support in that way is limitless but that’s different to a friend fancying a drink or dinner out. My closest friends, those that confide in me, will reach out to me and say directly they need a chat/advice rather than use a circuitous method like suggesting a meet up for a drink. I’m much less likely to reach out for support as I tend to internalise and I’m happy with that. But I have reached out at times for another perspective.

Lonicera

I used to work but I've recently had twins so at the moment I don't. I worked in admin in accounts, so I work with data and forms. I'm office based and not customer facing so I don't have to deal with speaking to strangers face to face, although I still feel a bit peopled out afterwards as I work in a team. As a result I can only work part time otherwise I get very drained.

DS1 is 3 and DS2 and DD are 15 weeks 3 corrected.

He's not at school yet but DS1 also hates large crowds, he's being assessed for autism and adhd (not just because he hates crowds there are obviously other things too). I've never made friends with the mums or done baby and toddler groups really. I've not actively avoided people it's just not something I was attracted to, although I'm planning on taking the kids to one near me when the twins are a bit older as I want DS1 to have somewhere he can run around that I can still take the DTs to.

This thread has really made me think. I had been looking down on extroverts and wondering why they were unable to entertain themselves.

I've been through distinct phases in my life and I'm not sure which camp I'm in tbh. When i was small i was desperately anxious and shy, very lonely and desirous of friends but capable of entertaining myself (through necessity).

At about aged 11 i realised i could control situations and make friends by being a clown. I did variations of this for years and had a buzzing social life. I also drank too much to deal with the anxiety.

Now I am teetotal and very introverted. I am not in the least bit shy, i could give a speech straight away, it doesn't bother me at all. I could go to a wedding alone, not anxious.

I've realised what i like is frequent, very shallow interaction ie shopkeepers and weather. Apart from perhaps 5 people I really would rather not hear about their troubles, i certainly wouldn't tell anyone mine, i don't need to.

I actually think I've been turned off by 2 people, my mother who is an egocentric drama llama and a friend who is such a vampire i actually feel phobic about her.

With the vampire I can't say anything without her turning it into an invitation for herself. New carpet? I'm coming to look at it? Going on a picnic? I'm coming. Going on holiday? I want to come with you. Consequently i edit everything I say and secretly go on holiday etc.

Seline - I was using ADHD as an example.

The USA is very over medicalised. Being an introvert is seen as “wrong” so you would most likely be diagnosed with various neurological disorders. There is money to be made. In the UK, that isn’t the case, probably becuase the NHS can’t cope with mental health funding as it is.

It has been good to read this as a refresher as I do know that introverts want privacy and time on their own but it is so hard to understand that I do forget and misattribute their needs to lots of negative motivations. Mostly that they must hate me (I know this sounds self absorbed but it is just the first port of call for how my brain is wired) because if I chose to be on my own rather than spend time with someone, it would only be because I didn’t like them! I will keep trying to appreciate others differences for sure. But don’t assume it is always easy for extroverts to have their needs satisfied. As I have got older life circumstances have enforced me to spend much more time alone and I have found it very hard to adapt.

Can I just ask why people here are assuming that extroversion and being a morning person are synonymous personality traits? Being an introvert, part of the reason I love early mornings is that I get some much needed alone time whilst the rest of the world is still in bed. I'm at the gym by 5.30am precisely because there's about 3 other people there, and we all know not to talk to each other (beyond obviously a friendly nod)

Back to the original premise with which I somewhat disagree. I sort of prove the OP’s point in that I am introverted but understand that while I need to balance every sociable activity with a quiet day or two other people need company to energise them and thrive. My mum OTH completely disproves it. She is introverted and actively judges extroverts who need company, she thinks they are weak, needy and inadequate.

As is usually the case with generalisations there are exceptions to every rule and many shades of grey to human characteristics. Some introverts are empathic and understanding, some are narcissistic and arrogant. And I am sure the same is true of extroverts.

it is so hard to understand that I do forget and misattribute their needs to lots of negative motivations. Mostly that they must hate me (I know this sounds self absorbed but it is just the first port of call for how my brain is wired) because if I chose to be on my own rather than spend time with someone, it would only be because I didn’t like them!

Thank you. This is what I was getting at, I don't properly understand the negative reaction but this explains it.

Does ANYONE enjoy interactions like that?! Do you seriously think an extrovert would be hanging on her every word?

She seems to enjoy it!
The point is her overwhelming need to fill every silence, regardless of how pointless the conversation. She thinks she is just being friendly and chatty. She cannot just be in a room without having to talk.

I also suffer from sensory overload if the radio is on and people are talking in the same room. Parties and crowded rooms are the same. I have a number of autistic traits, so maybe it is those rather than my introversion that makes me struggle with the constant chatter. I just find myself internally screaming 'shut up, shut up, shut up' until I have to go to another room.

Wow. You have a lot on you plate Seline. You must be exhausted. I hope your twins are thriving

I think you have articulated very well what I sometimes think Mummadeeze

I do think that the "leave me alone" vibe that many introverts give off does come across as "I don't like you". Especially when a polite "morning/bye" at work is ignored.

@pictish
You may well both be introverts, based on that.

What have you both been doing in the day? Perhaps it's that you've been socialising and now need some time to recharge and reflect? (introvert quality). But your partner has not been socialising and needs some interaction with one other close person (introverts still need social interaction and this is the type they like best)?

Lonicera thank you. They're okay now but we had a lot of problems with one of them including pulmonary hypotension, oxygen starvation, brain hemmhorage, kidney failure, sepsis to name a few. Luckily she appears okay but we don't know the long term effects.