To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

we all just need to get along. I do wonder from those who say the are introverts and don't answer the door, don't answer text messages etc how you manage to sustain friendships.

Why do you think I married someone more sociable than I? Company on tap with zero effort from me.

I agree with the PP who said a lot of the "introvert" behaviour described here is not healthy and probably symptomatic of depression or something. Hiding behind furniture to avoid opening the door, feeling drained after receiving a text message etc is no way to live your life.

Surely this is illegal in the UK

No idea. The guy was really into it. I understood the thinking about it , but that didn't mean I was going to it like some kind of circus performing monkey.
And because I'm a dick , when he zoned in the area I was I just turned around to some random person (really sorry random person ) and said "hi my name is x from y, you are now my special friend" big grin to the guy and got my head back to my notes.

@explodingkitten I think that’s a very interesting perspective about introversion being a processing problem difference.

I definitely need time to process an interaction. Conversations playback in my head (not every conversation, or every person but some) and if I consistently don’t get the downtime to process I am likely to become unwell.

I don’t think introverts are “deep” but I do think that we often need to hear ourselves think while extroverts work out problems out loud. It’s not a difference in the quality of “thinking” but just in how we process

When my dc declare they are bored it seems to mean that they lack external stimulation or there’s nothing to do. I’ve never had that sensation because I’m always thinking about something (seldom anything deep, often just a nice daydream or planning something). But when I’m at a party and I can’t just wander off inside my head. I find parties boring in that sense.

I don’t dislike people and I absolutely agree that introversion isn’t an excuse to be rude or judgemental.

But as a young introvert I was criticized, castigated and bullied for basically being myself, and like many others had periods of depression and suicidal thoughts. People aren’t as directly insulting as you get older but as a child and adolescent the message that I wasn’t normal , that I should want to be playing that I read too much that I was boring was pretty insistent. My dm and grandfather were both introverts which helped.

Hiding behind furniture to avoid opening the door, feeling drained after receiving a text message etc is no way to live your life.

This is the point. We are happy with our lives. We do not want it any other way. Why do we have to be depressed? I've had depression on and off and there is zero difference in my introversion levels.

Receiving a text is draining?! Sorry but this actually made me laugh out loud 😂 I mean come on! You need a bit of a thicker skin.

^Completely agree. @ChakiraChakra do you have friends if a text back to them is draining?

@MaggieAndHopey
Thank you Maggie
I was taken aback! I genuinely didn’t mean to be a goady fucker - I was just trying to point out that sometimes what people say doesn’t come off very well, but I appreciate that my particular sense of humour won’t be to everyone’s liking

forced to live with two of the most inconsiderate extrovert morning people you can imagine

Me too. Bloody kids

Bloo you might be one of us on the dark side .

It might be worth doing some reading around introversion / extroversion. It’s widely misunderstood and might be relevant to managing your ADHD

Well, since Jung coined the terms there's been a fair bit of redefining extraversion and introversion, and MN seems to have come up with its own definitions too...

BabyDarling I get texts being draining sometimes because of the expectation THAT YOU MUST REPLY IMMEDIATELY! A friend (not close) emailed me an hour after texting me about a non-urgent matter asking if she had the right number because I hadn't got back to her. I find it invasive.

I’m extremely introverted and dislike other people.

@Seline but you're not happy! None of the emotions described around this type of behaviour is happy. People are saying I feel drained (drained not being a happy emotion!) by a message?! That is not healthy or happy behaviour.

Yep,I agree. School teachers were (and still are) a pain with this. Now, though, I stick up for my son at parents evenings when "that" teachers starts whingeing about DS being too quiet in class - I turn it round and ask the teacher why it's a problem - they back track so fast it's almost funny - when DS consistently scores top marks in tests and homework. Whinging at him to talk/answer more in class isn't going to change him and won't improve his grades - just let him be!

But there will be times when he will need to participate in group activities so maybe the teacher is trying to get him used to participating?

I used to facilitate graduate assessment centres and you'd get the odd person who barely said a word throughout the day. They were often gobsmacked when told they had not been successful in getting through to the next round. When they asked for feedback it was as plain as 'You did not contribute to the group exercises so you received no mark's.'

There will be times, such as in meetings at work, when a person will have to go against their natural preferences and vocally contribute.

bluecornishpixie I entirely agree. A lot of my issues with lack of confidence stem from being told throughout my childhood that, despite doing my best to be kind and hard working and nice, I was always told I had to be more chatty, sociable and outgoing and the fact i wasn't suggested there was something very wrong with me. (Not that low self esteem is exclusive to introverts of course.) The relatively recent phenomenon of introversion actually becoming recognised as normal and actually OK, as opposed to some sort of disease, has helped me a lot in recent years. If you discuss it on forums like this, however, it can come across as having a superiority complex and results in comments along the lines of "oh you introverts think you're so fucking special and important don't you?" It's so unhelpful and annoying.
Really, I think very few people believe they are superior to others based on them being introvert /extrovert and those that do are basically arseholes, into/extro/ambi or whatever.
That said, one thing I do hate is people saying stuff to me like "Well, you're quiet" or "If you don't shut up I'll deck you, HA HA". How exactly am i meant to respond to that?

*but you're not happy! None of the emotions described around this type of behaviour is happy. People are saying I feel drained (drained not being a happy emotion!) by a message?! That is not healthy or happy behaviour.?

We're happy if people leave us alone. What exactly is wrong with that? I don't personally feel drained by texts but I do ignore them until I feel up to a conversation.

We just want some peace.

@Ali1cedowntherabbithole
Ha, I generally reckon so!
It’s definitely a topic which comes up quite a lot in autism groups (I’m autistic not adhd )

One thing I think is important in a good friend us reliability. Its good to know that you have people who are there for you always, not just on the odd days they feel like it. I understand introversion, but to be honest I just haven't got any time for it in my life.

There is no relationship between cancelling plans and introversion. I’m an introvert and if I agree to something I’ll definitely be there. I’m just less likely to agree to something (like a big party where I won’t know anyone) in the first place. I’m also a good friend and if you need me in a crisis I’ll be there at the end of the phone for hours. Just not for hours of daily chit chat.

Of course introverts should accept extroverts’ needs too. If you are dating an extrovert who needs to come home and vent about their day, then you should make an effort to hear them even if you don’t feel like it. They should then let you have your quiet time even if they’d rather talk into the small hours. It’s basic compromise.

The thing is that until recently, introverts have been expected to do all the compromise, to do what the extroverts want and to force themselves to behave more like extroverts in order to fit in. It’s only just becoming ok to say “I need some time by myself” without being considered an antisocial freak.

That’s why we talk about it. It’s not because we think we are superior or special in any way.

Receiving a text is draining?! Sorry but this actually made me laugh out loud 😂 I mean come on! You need a bit of a thicker skin

Thanks but perhaps I should have been clearer.

Receiving an expectation of a reply when I'm already drained, is further draining. Only by a tiny amount, and only on occasions when I'm already feeling peopled out. It's like being gifted a tiny debt.

I have many truly wonderful friends, no problems there.

It's not as if I tell anybody apart from anonymously on an internet forum or weep and wail that I'm hard done by. I don't ask or expect people to stop sending me texts, obviously, and I get back to them later when it's right for me or if it really does need a reply sooner. I'm a functional adult. My skin is plenty thick enough.

I'm only sharing what it feels like to me on here in an attempt to get others on this forum to understand what it can feel like for the people in their lives who are similar.

Surely the best measure of whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert is not how they are in social interactions, but how they are outside of them? For example, anyone can be rude in a social interaction - whether that is by being aggressively overbearing, or cold and hostile. I don’t think that has much to do with introversion or extroversion. But outside of a social interaction, would an extrovert see alone time as just “time” - that is, gaps in between nice social times - rather than the very necessary recovery periods introverted types find them to be?
(I’m not sure if any of the above actually makes sense. One tries, though)

This thread has been a fascinating read. I agree with the sensible points articulated on here, but find some of the extreme opinions on here ridiculous.

Some thoughts:
Some introverts just don’t get why many people like to be sociable
Some extroverts don’t understand why introverts don’t want to be sociable.

Crawling away to not even answer the door to the postman, and not even having a mobile phone where someone can text in advance to warn said introvert of an impending visit is very extreme, and I would suggest that this is more than just being an introvert – social anxiety perhaps?

When introverts said they find socialising exhausting, is it mental or physical exhaustion? Or both?

DH is an introvert, and often comes across as unsociable and aloof. He often gives people the impression he doesn’t like them.
I think that at extreme ends both introverts and extroverts need to make more of an effort to meet in the middle.

I work with an introvert. She is quiet, but likes to chat occasionally. I talk to her about work related stuff, but there are some days that I never talk to her at all because I respect her need to be insular, but then I worry that she might think I am being rude by ignoring her.

A PP posted about not communicating with other parents, not wanting people to come to their house etc. This can backfire when you have children. DD’s boyfriend and his brother were never allowed to have friends back. They were also fairly tightly controlled and the mother, especially, is quite clingy about having them at home. As a result they have both gone off the rails. The brother is into drugs and the BF has a drink problem and parties all the time instead of working at university. The novelty of having loads of friends on tap in halls hasn’t worn off yet. He also deliberately chose a university too far from home for his parents to turn up on the odd Sunday afternoon, and never visits home during term time because his life at home is so restricted and boring.

I am on the extrovert side of the “divide”, but am never loud and aggressive. I appreciate quiet down time as well as seeing people. DH is very introverted and this has impacted on our social life. I admit that I do get bored and lonely when we never go out and very rarely meet up with friends. I do have friends of my own that I meet up with though. He will answer the front door though , and answer texts

This thread has helped me so much. I’m a very confident person but realise I am a complete introvert. A pp mentioned needing a week of solitude after a party and I can relate utterly. I’ll enjoy the party and may even add a bit of life and soul to it but it’s a once or twice a year thing. Some friends are trying to arrange a meet up and they can’t understand why, if it’s a Friday I’m busy on, can’t I meet up on the Saturday. Socialise twice in one weekend? Twice a month is too much!

We're happy if people leave us alone

How does this work though? You want your friends to be there when you reach out to them, but don't want them to reach out to you when they want / need to?

When introverts said they find socialising exhausting, is it mental or physical exhaustion? Or both?

Sometimes mental/emotional sometimes both as in a get physical symptoms headache,stingy eyes, feel tired, sore upper back.

Glad I read this thread. I am an annoying very extrovert morning person who it sounds like everyone would find intolerable on here. From my perspective I encourage people to come to parties because I am trying to be nice and I enjoy their company so would miss them if they weren’t there. I encourage my Very introverted Assistant to come out of her shell a bit, speak up at meetings more and try to raise her profile because she is talented and I want her to progress and do well in her career. I worry a lot that quiet people don’t like me because I don’t know what they are thinking (and reading this, I am probably right to!) and as an annoying extrovert, I feel desperate for everyone to like me. I try to be kind and thoughtful to people though at all times, so in defence of other extroverts who do your heads in, it is never with bad intentions. And actually, whilst you say you understand extroverts, I don’t really know that you do. My need to not be alone or to be liked is very strong and makes life hard for me too sometimes. My partner wants space all the time so expects me to respect that but what about me not wanting space - he doesn’t respect that at all. Clearly I should never have got into my relationship because we aren’t suited and are on the opposite extremes of the spectrum but it does illustrate equal thoughtlessness. Someone’s need to be alone comes at the expense sometimes of the other persons need for company.