To wonder why introverts understand extroverts but extroverts don't understand introverts.

[Seline]

Something I've wondered for a while.

Plenty of introverts understand that extroverts genuinely enjoy lots of social interaction and things that we find heinous, like surprise visits or smalltalk bring them joy. We may not understand why however we're aware that it does.

Extroverts on the other hand can't seem to fathom that some people don't want to socialise and enjoy being alone. You see this with people getting offended that their relatives don't want them to pop in unannounced, upset that their friend declined an invitation, or insisting on building people's confidence when the person isn't shy they're just quiet.

What's the reasoning for this? It always irritates me somewhat.

@TwitterQueen1
It wasn’t my intention to be goady. I was just trying to point out - as someone who probably is, technically, an introvert - that what some - SOME - introverts say can come off as “extroverts are boorish and unthinking, whereas I am a highly sensitive person”.

I am currently lying in my bed with a cup of tea, putting off having to go and deal with my MiL who never shuts up. She came to look after the kids while I was away with work (I am grateful for this, honest), but as someone who normally works from home, alone, I have already had a week of forced social interaction with colleagues. I need some quiet. Not mindless drivel about her neighbour's cousin's dog's best friend or the price of her shopping 3 weeks ago.

It has taken 15 years of marriage for DH to get that when I go and sit in a different room, it is because I need a break, and he should stop encouraging her to follow me. Both DH and MIL are extroverts.

I need to be alone to rest and recharge a lot at the moment. I go through phases of being this more, or less. That includes not wanting to talk on the phone or text messages, but I'm very happy to scroll social media.

Even receiving a missed call or text can feel draining at a time when I'm not getting enough solo time. I understand that the sender doesn't mean to make me feel drained, and that leaving other people's calls and texts unanswered can be seen as rude. I don't want to offend my friends, we are all just trying to get our needs met. Part of my problem is that I find it difficult to successfully communicate to some of my friends, without offending them, that there are times when talking on the phone or messaging with anybody drains me right when I need to recharge. It's not because of them specifically it's because I have a need for alone time.

We are all just trying to get our needs met.

spatchcock
It’s not worth engaging with ladyandgent. They’ve decided they don’t like introverts and started from a negative atandpoint.

Pictish
You sound a bit like me. But I would describe myself as an introvert as I need time to unwind and I can get too fired up and wound up if I spend too much time with people and find it addictive and difficult to disengage. Other times overwhelmed in big groups.

I sometimes feel like I'm an extrovert trapped in an introvert's brain! I have all the classic introvert traits but I often find myself wanting to take more of an active part in group conversations but then instantly regretting it when I do - the feeling of scrutiny and the worry that I'm talking too loudly or saying the wrong things or not making myself understood, or monopolising the conversation.

Classically I think I am an introvert due to finding company draining (though sometimes very enjoyable), and needing time alone to come back to myself. But then surely lots of people would say that whether they regard themselves as introverts or not.

I had to do that Myers-Briggs test again just now because I always forget what I am. It was INFJ this time.

Twitterqueen

Lady I've just read your post about not liking introverted people because you don't know how to interact but that just totally proves the point of the thread. I love people, I actively searched out a job where I could deal with customers, all my life from school to work I've had comments like 'works hard but talks too much' and a lot of my best friends are extroverts, I find their energy fun and allows me to be lead rather than the leader. I'm not going to bristle if you talk to me, I enjoy talking to outgoing people and actually I think it works well because my tendency to step back means they get their platform so to speak. But, I need a break, single hardest thing about being a mum for me is no time on my own. I love dh but enjoy the nights he goes out as I sit in quiet and really recharge. Doesn't mean I don't love family time but I need a bit of alone time too. I think you are confusing introverted with people who suffer from social anxiety which is totally different.

Schools and workplaces are built around extroverts - it has always bugged me. It means there are lots of unappreciated introverts and lots of incompetent extroverts

Yep,I agree. School teachers were (and still are) a pain with this. Now, though, I stick up for my son at parents evenings when "that" teachers starts whingeing about DS being too quiet in class - I turn it round and ask the teacher why it's a problem - they back track so fast it's almost funny - when DS consistently scores top marks in tests and homework. Whinging at him to talk/answer more in class isn't going to change him and won't improve his grades - just let him be!

As for work, yes. Most of my workplaces have been hard work. One place was really good though - owned by a couple of introverts who seemed to favour introverted staff, so it was a lovely quiet place to work whilst I was there. It was the stress of workplace extraverts that led to me starting my own business, which I've been running 20 years, which is brilliant as I can dictate my working life around my personality, which has proved very rewarding and successful and proves you don't have to be loud and attend all kinds of social events to get clients and build a business.

@TwitterQueen1

Your post was unnecessarily goady and unhelpful BlooShampoo

100% agree.

And conveniently drip-feeding information further on into the thread doesn't change that fact.

Receiving a text is draining?! Sorry but this actually made me laugh out loud 😂 I mean come on! You need a bit of a thicker skin.

I remember going on a training where the person doing it kept insisting we "make a new friend today". He'd pick us out and ask if we talked to anyone,how did it go , did we make a friend? Forced us to interact too.. and did we make a new friend?

😨 Surely this is illegal in the UK

Seline yes it is.

I don’t think it’s drip-feeding at all. Is it really so unheard of to not take yourself terribly, terribly seriously, or to point out that sometimes what people say doesn’t come off very well?

I remember going on a training where the person doing it kept insisting we "make a new friend today". He'd pick us out and ask if we talked to anyone,how did it go , did we make a friend? Forced us to interact too.. and did we make a new friend?

That sounds awful. I wouldn’t even associate that with extroversion - it’s just overbearing and creepy

I have quite a few friends from different circles , school mums,work friends, from other groups etc. I an not flakey because I say straight up no when I can't cope with another outing. I'm not selfish either or special or stuck up or whatever.

I spent a whole week looking after my friend and her kids when she was really poorly and her husband couldn't take any more time off. It was pure hell, 3 adults and 3 kids in a 3 bed house and not a second to myself but I did it because she needed it. She needed me. It took another week with no or minimal interaction to recover from it. Didn't even put the telly on.

I'll do a lot for people I care about and I'm close to, but I don't owe shit to randomers. I also won't sit and take it being the butt of stupid jokes just because.

I do agree that sometimes when you read these threads it comes off a bit as if introverts are superior. But I think that's just because you have been told your wrong for being quiet or whatever (in my case) for so long it's quite wearing to your confidence, it's nice to talk about it as if it's not wrong. It upsets me still when some brash twat calls me quiet because I can't help it. We won't get on and that's fine, but I'm more than happy to just say we're different people, whilst they will say, your quiet you need to be louder, participate more. Generally I'm actually fine in social situations so if I am quiet it's because I am not enjoying the day or I don't particularly like the person.

I don't really think it's a case of introvert vs. extrovert. I think that's a very simplistic view. I guess it's probably a spectrum of how introverted/extroverted we are and some people are at the extremes but most are just in the middle.

I think it's probably more of a case of empathy vs self centeredness or something. And nothing to do with how introverted/extroverted someone is. It's just that your extroverted self centred types are so very obvious.

There's the perrenial problem of teachers wanting shy or introvert pupils to speak up in class more. The problem is we live in a society with an extrovert structure. Letting a pupil be quietly alone with their written work means that you're missing chances to assess and correct understanding at an early stage when it's easy to address rather than later on when it's been marked on paper and the topic has moved on. Teachers are supposed to be aware of progress all the time. While respecting that different members of the class have different needs, the whole system of putting roughly 30 kids in a class and varying the learning method is geared up to extroverts. For one thing, it's financially efficient. For another, most workplaces are suited to a more extrovert mindset. I worked in a subject where I saw students one hour, once in a week and it is very difficult to gain anything personal beyond the fact that someone is quiet when they barely speak up beyond a close core of friends.

Most people fall somewhere in the middle. I value quiet, alone time more as I get older. At present, DCs consume much of my social and tactile need leaving little else to spare. Then the bother of arranging childcare if it's for me and DH, then clockwatching for a return to the babysitter strips a lot of the pleasure out of social occasions. I do need social variety though.

A lot of the deeply introvert behaviour described on this thread is more than just being introverted, and is into the realms of quite severe social anxiety where it is inhibiting normal funtion, or possibly undiagnosed nurological difference. An ex described up thread sounds like a controlling, narcassitic bastard rather than just being an introvert.

Rude and entitled sods can lie at any point of the introvert/ extrovert spectrum.

Bloo it’s possible to be an extrovert and have social anxiety.

Extroversion / introversion isn’t about being loud and confident versus quiet and shy.

It is possible to be a confident introvert with excellent communication and social skills.

It’s equally possible to be an extrovert with social anxiety and poor communication skills.

Neither is superior to the other.

What I would say is that as many introverts choose written communication in preference to phone calls, a chat forum will attract introverts. Some of those introverts identify as extroverts

It's not about liking or disliking being sociable, introversion and extroversion are about how you gain energy. 'Extro' meaning from outside the self, 'Intro' being within the self.

Its perfectly possible for introverts to be sociable, to love company and going out, but they will just need downtime to recharge, just as it's quite possible for extroverts to appear quiet and be happy just getting energy from a small social group of their family and workplace interactions.

All the rest boils down to is manners.

I liked your post, Bloo. It was funny. Couple of people taking it too personally I think.

I do enjoy going out with friends but it's the frequency. Doing it too often makes me feel drained.

I generally know how to interact with both introverts and extroverts and have friends in both ends of the spectrum. Its just about understanding each other, it can be a little frustrating if a friend is constant turning down social interaction like a nighout or party, but then I would just do something more suited to them. It's not actually that difficult to adapt oneself to suit others so everyone is happy, I think most of us do it quite naturally. I enjoy lots of activities so just do a range with different people.

I don't think you can say you have good interpersonal skills if you can't talk to introverts. That screams terrible interpersonal skills to me.

Goodness, there seems to be a lot of black and white on this thread, but I think we are all shades of gray with regards to introversion / extroversion.

We all just need to get along. I do wonder from those who say the are introverts and don't answer the door, don't answer text messages etc how you manage to sustain friendships.

Surely part of friendship is building a relationship - like someone said, being an introvert should not be used to explain being a flaky friend. I think most of my friends are a mixture but the ones I do have, I know that if I called them in an emergency, they would help (and I them). From what some of the introverts have said on this thread, their friends would be ignored even in an emergency.

I can't help wondering if some of the threads I see on MN when parents can't find anyone at all to help is a result of introverts just not participating in friendships - why would I develop a friendship and then put myself out and help someone who was only interested in seeing me on their terms and never willing to compromise.

The world is not "made for extroverts". The world just runs when people communicate with each other irrespective of their self-diagnosed personality types. Being nice, saying hello when you see someone you know it passing just makes the world more pleasant. It's not about having a full blown in-depth conversation, it's just basic manners to say hello and smile as you walk by.

“How many times do introverts get people insisting that we need to come out, join in, get talked at despite trying to get some peace and get accused of being rude for declining social occasions?“

As an apparent extrovert, I get this too. Some people are insistent about these things but as far as I can tell, they’re not actually that arsed whether you come along or not. It’s just a boring script in which they think they are being friendly.

"...my MiL who never shuts up. She came to look after the kids while I was away with work (I am grateful for this, honest), but as someone who normally works from home, alone, I have already had a week of forced social interaction with colleagues. I need some quiet. Not mindless drivel about her neighbour's cousin's dog's best friend or the price of her shopping 3 weeks ago."

Does ANYONE enjoy interactions like that?! Do you seriously think an extrovert would be hanging on her every word?

@Ali1cedowntherabbithole
That’s a good point. I probably should have added that I tend to need a lot - a LOT - of recovery time after socialising, regardless of whether my anxiety is affecting me or not. People are sometimes slightly concerned by the stretches of time I’m quite content to spend in my own company.