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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 02/02/2019 23:09

He wants to take it without you so his parents could start bonding with the grandchild. They don't want you there as you would be too protective and they wouldn't have much freedom with you being present there. Newborn babies don't have strong immune system until they're about 2-3 months old although some say it takes even longer for their immune system to mature. At this time of the year it would be quite foolish and selfish to expose her to germs. The husband and the in-laws only care about what they want and treat you like a surrogate. Put your foot down and say - no. It's too soon for you and the baby. In some countries parents wouldn't even dream of showing the newborn around for a certain number of weeks.

littlbrowndog · 02/02/2019 23:11

Gawd I would have loved this
Gives you time to get some time with the other kids

frazzledasarock · 02/02/2019 23:11

I have a week old baby she goes frantic for even five minutes away from me.

How long is he proposing removing your baby from you?

Yeah it’s true if you were sick or unable to be there for your baby the father can step in but you’re there and your baby does need you and you clearly need it be close to your baby also.

It’s great there’s lots of mothers on MN who are happy for their partners to take their newborns away and do their own think. OP doesn’t feel like that and that’s fair enough too.

I don’t think my DP would be so cruel as to try and take our baby away from me at this point. He is comfortable and assured that he has an equitable parenting role in her life, however currently my baby and I need to be together pretty much constantly.

Onecutefox · 02/02/2019 23:14

And yes, I 've also seen idiots putting their fingers into the baby's mouth or coughing/sneezing onto the baby, or licking the dummy and putting it back into baby's mouth.

littlbrowndog · 02/02/2019 23:15

Jeez there is some bonkers stuff on this thread
Every single mum I know would have said crack on
And people saying they never apart their babies for a year
Well

AlwaysSunnyInLiverpool · 02/02/2019 23:16

It sounds like the DH in this doesn't really understand how the fourth trimester works for most women (evolutionarily speaking, biologically) post partum. The massive spikes and dips of hormonal changes, the body acclimatising to being literally separated from birth, the fierce protective instinct animals & human mothers feel towards newborns (because it served a critical survival purpose).

I think it's fine to be separated if the mum and baby would do fine (clearly this depends on length of visit, breastfeeding established etc). But at that stage it can be physically painful to be parted from newborns say, if you haven't got the hang of expressing a BF baby.

It's really disappointing to hear the DH hasn't understood any of this and has actually needed it spelling out to him - what did he think just 2 weeks post partum would look like? His wife's probably still bleeding from the delivery, FFS, pressuring her to let him parade the newborn away like a doll is just shitty behaviour.

Purpleartichoke · 02/02/2019 23:16

4th trimester
Baby stays with mom

Plus you should not be pressured to pump

HaggisMcPhaggis · 02/02/2019 23:22

DH "Haggis, I want to take the baby out, leave you here. You OK with that?"

Me"Um no. Not sure why. Can I come too, can we sort like that?"

DH (thinks DC is 2 week old, let's go with gut instincts here, support each other and not call each other names,) "Yes, of course."

End of issue.

Why is this an issue?

53rdWay · 02/02/2019 23:27

But what is there for him to not understand? You have said that being separated from your tiny baby would cause you worry and make you feel terrible. What is it he doesn’t believe about that?

People can give you links or share their experiences of not wanting to be apart from their newborns I suppose but your main problem is that he doesn’t seem to think you being upset is a good enough reason by itself.

SpiritedLondon · 02/02/2019 23:28

its Not really about what parents want it’s about what the baby NEEDS. Babies are hardwired to need their mothers - it is the person who is central to their well being and survival. They need her nearby. Full stop. Of course a father can feed and change the nappies perfectly fine but at this stage they are very secondary to the mother. That might not fit in with how people want to divide up their childcare but that is what attachment is about.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 02/02/2019 23:30

You have every right to feel like you do, it's natural and I was just the same

He should love you enough to understand you are at fragile emotional point in your life and it's normal and understandable for a mum not to want to be separated from her baby. Either you all go or they come to you. If he was being reasonable and understanding then I would suggest a compromise of him taking her for a walk while you nap but he doesn't sound like he listens or cares about your feelings so why should you compromise for him.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 23:35

This might be “a thing” for some, but is not “a thing” for everyone. Anxiety is a problem but reinforcing it by simply agreeing to avoid what makes you anxious is unhelpful. It’s unclear whether he can never have her alone at all but surely having him take her for a walk round the block would be ok?

Be sure when you are showing him this to prove how right you are (because Mumsnet is surely the pinnacle of cornmon sense 🙄) he sees that not everyone agrees with you.

4th trimester Baby stays with mom
Mine was in NNICU. Hasn’t done her or me any harm.

Why would somebody who is supposed to love you want to do something that he knows upsets you? why would someone who is supposed love you, not trust you to be alone with your baby for any period of time?

53rdWay · 02/02/2019 23:39

if you do want examples from other people though OP: I went out to the shop when my first baby was 3 weeks old, left her with DH. My idea and shop was 10 mins walk away so hardly far. Dashed around the shop as fast as I could and was still panicky and sick with worry all the way home.

Was it irrational? Yes, there was no danger at all to the baby, they were safe at home, I wasn’t even gone half an hour. But I felt so so scared and worried anyway.

By a couple of months later I was practically flinging the baby at him when he got in from work so I could go out for a run on my own, no worry at all. But I don’t think I’d have got there so easily if DH had been an arse about how I felt that first time and kept pressuring me to do it again.

Schmoobarb · 02/02/2019 23:41

*You spent 9 months with your baby inside you, 24 hours a day. You felt her growing and moving. You vomited because of the hormones that kept her safe. You didn’t drink. You avoided all sorts of foods. You stressed if you had a paracetamol.

You got anxious if she moved too much, and doubly so if she moved too little.

You felt her foot in your bladder and her tiny fist punching against your swollen, baby full self.

Then....you grave birth to a whole new human. You pushed her out (or had a sunroof fitted). She came out of your body. Your body, which will never be the same.

So now she is out in the world - this girl you grew. And it’s harder to keep her safe. You can’t do it by not having wine or soft cheese. You can’t keep her safe by not having shellfish or by reading the tiny contraindications on gaviscon eight times just in case. You can’t sheild her with your womb.*

Jesus. Confused

cherish123 · 02/02/2019 23:42

Maybe he just wants a bit of time on his own with her. Even if breastfeeding, it could be a short trip or you could express (this is what I did if I was taking DC out somewhere at this age and there wasn't somewhere I could feed the). To be honest, you sound like you don't trust him or you are quite controlling. You are, presumably on Maternity Leave, and he is working. Give him a little 1-1 time. If you behave like this now, you are just storing up relationship problems for the future.

Seline · 02/02/2019 23:43

yabbers all three of mine were in NICU. I still felt like this once they were home.

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

53rdWay · 02/02/2019 23:46

It’s really not a good idea to express at 2 weeks old when you’re still establishing feeding for no other reason than that the baby’s dad doesn’t want you to visit his family with him.

Original poster
StarFleece · 02/02/2019 23:48

I'm still going through the replies but I'm surprised at how many think I'm being unfair to DH, it's given me a different perspective. I don't want him to think I don't trust him at all it isn't anything to do with that and I e tried to explain that to him. I just feel sad that at this time we aren't getting on well at all. I want us to have happy memories of life with a newborn and I don't see that happening right now and that makes me sad.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 02/02/2019 23:49

If I chose to have a baby with a man then of course I'd trust him to take baby alone (preferably while I had a sleep)

slappinthebass · 02/02/2019 23:52

You are NOT being unreasonable. If the baby was breastfed, he wouldn't be able to take her. It is the biological norm for mother to be with newborn baby and not separated. Just because you are not (I assume) breastfeeding, doesn't mean that biological need is not there.

flatulencebythebucket · 02/02/2019 23:52

A 2 week olds immune systems isn't great so personally we let ours settle into the home environment before showing her off to everyone.

Babies need building up a bit & 2 weeks old is a bit early for them to be going out and about in my opinion.

I think I first took mine out alone at around the 2 month mark alone...she's 6 months now & thriving.

Yabbers · 02/02/2019 23:57

yabbers all three of mine were in NICU. I still felt like this once they were home.

My comment was about the “fourth trimester” stuff. Babies do just fine being away from mum. It’s not the end of the end of the world for mum to be away from them either. You can’t just state “fourth trimester” as if it is the norm.

Hotterthanahotthing · 02/02/2019 23:57

Why aren't the relatives visiting you.?

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2019 23:58

" I'm surprised at how many think I'm being unfair to DH"

That's because
A. You haven't shared the whole picture
B. AIBU is full of people who like to side against the (female) OP with her (male) partner. Sexist conditioning is real.

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