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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
Mmmhmmm · 02/02/2019 23:59

I want to go with him to visit the relatives - he sees that as me not trusting him. For some reason he wants to take her alone I don't actually know why.

I think he's being unreasonable because of that. She's not a toy and surely his relatives will want to see you as well. Wouldn't they be wondering where you are? Confused He's being weird.

teapotter1 · 03/02/2019 00:12

Definitely would not allow this.

It's cruel to come in between a newborn and the mother

beansontoastfortea · 03/02/2019 00:13

OP tell your OH to start his own thread...

I want to take my 2 week old newborn to visit my relatives but I don't want my partner to come because if she comes I'll feel like she doesn't trust me. She's so upset that I'm insisting on separating her from her baby that she carried for 9 months. She's said she will come with me to visit my relatives but I just don't want her to so am going to ruin the memories of the newborn stage for her... aibu?

Touchmybum · 03/02/2019 00:13

I wouldn't have been parted from my babies AT ALL when they were so young.

beansontoastfortea · 03/02/2019 00:14

Then let's see the response he gets

What a plonker... you deserve better op

Italiangreyhound · 03/02/2019 00:15

Just curious but are you partner's relatives smokers? Could there be a reason he doesn't want you there, e.g. you will be 'overly cautious', in his mind, with baby?

(Just an idea, because being away from people who smoke is not being overly cautious.)

beansontoastfortea · 03/02/2019 00:16

I would have never left my newborn and my partner wouldn't have asked me to... we were sharing our babies together! It's abhorrent to think that a loving partner would deliberately insist on separating you and your new born and in fact I would be HIGHLY HIGHLY suspicious of this... I think I remember your last thread... wasn't this a visit he wanted to take for a few days and far away/abroad? I can't really remember

changers5 · 03/02/2019 00:17

My DS is nearly 3 months old and I haven't been without him for more than 30 minutes. I know women who put their babies in to nursery for a day a week at the same age. We are all different and have different boundaries. If you aren't comfortable with it, he should respect that. It's a weird time, that postpartum period. If you have baby blues like I had, you will absolutely need your baby with you. I felt suicidal 2 weeks pp. Looking at my baby made everything okay for brief periods. I couldn't have been without him and am still not quite ready. It means I have to visit people I don't particularly want to visit but that's called compromise.

I think the issue here is that your DH doesn't seem to respect how you feel, and doesn't quite 'get it'. My DP is a bit useless in a few ways but he would never push me to do something I was entirely uncomfortable with (unless I was being completely unreasonable). I think that's the issue here...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 03/02/2019 00:18

One of mine being in NICU did me or them no lomgterm harm but it did at the time, it was horrible.

It’s not exactly unusual at all to not want to be apart from a newborn, it doesn’t mean you are mentally ill it doesn’t mean you are wrong, it doesn’t mean you have problematic anxiety it just means your fairly normal.

Nothing wrong at all with not minding fairly normal people also don’t mind.

What is weird as fuck is anybody thinking that either stance when taken by other people is wrong.

FWIW if any of my adult sons (assuming I didn’t live incredibly close by) turned up to visit with a newborn and no mother I would be a little confused because I would also be wanting to see the Mum she’s not just an incubator that I get to dismiss after and if I found out she wasn’t happy to be being left out of the visit and my son had insisted despite this I would be furious with him.

PregnantSea · 03/02/2019 00:22

Why can't you both go together? Seems odd.

But as other's have said it sounds like a good opportunity to catch up on sleep!

RogersVideo · 03/02/2019 00:23

YANBU. Until 2 weeks ago this child lived in your body, it's understandable that you aren't ready for them to be taken away.

I think your husband should be more understanding of what you mind and body have been through, and stop making it about him.

DishingOutDone · 03/02/2019 00:24

This thread on Relationships (which is where you should have posted if you wanted a sensible conversation OP!):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3496722-dh-seems-to-resent-me-since-our-dc-has-been-born

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 03/02/2019 00:32

Why is your dh pulling away from you at a time when he would normally feel closer to you and be in awe of the tiny human being you have made together?

Is there any signs that your dh may be having an affair? Is he defensive with his phone? I’m just wondering if he might be wanting to take your baby to see an ow. I only ask as the exact same thing happened to my friend. She was bf and refused to be parted from their baby when he needed to bf on demand. He flipped and his reaction made her check his phone- where she found lots of messages to his ow who he had been happily planning to play happy families with. When she found out, he actually threw her and their two boys out (they were unmarried and only his name was on the mortgage) making his partner, toddler ds and newborn ds homeless. He moved the ow in the very next week- she hadn’t even had the chance to collect all of her things as she had to be placed in emergency accommodation as he made her homeless.

I would be keeping your newborn very close. Your dh is behaving oddly by the sound of it- something has happened to change the way he feels for you. I would be asking why!

Did your dh become controlling and/ or abusive during your pregnancy? If the answer is yes, then I would call Woman’s Aid for advice, especially if you think he may be deliberately taking your baby away as a form of control or abuse! You do not need to stay in an abusive relationship! Have a read of this link and look for any signs that your h may be abusive

intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2014/02/nine-types-of-abusers-who-are-you.html

Disclaimer- Before anyone deems my post ridiculous- (clearly both of my suggestions could be off the wall- ) but if there is a chance that I am right and the OP has not considered either option, then my post is just as valid as any other.

cherish123 · 03/02/2019 00:53

I think you are thinking about yourself rather than baby or DH. Don't get me wrong, we are all selfish, from time to time, but I think you need to consider others (esp your baby). Is it not imp for her to bond with her father?

Italiangreyhound · 03/02/2019 00:57

cherish123 even though a new mum may feel it is very hard to be separated from her baby, she will know the reason (the dad has taken her away for a couple of hours etc). But the baby doesn't know why they are separated from the mum.

The OP is not being selfish, she is thinking of her baby and herself.

No one is stopping he dad bonding with the baby. He doesn't need to show the baby off to relatives to bond, surely. Why aren't the relatives coming to see baby and the new mum?

Agree with ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser it's very odd behaviour.

It's very cold and callous behaviour.

changers5 · 03/02/2019 01:00

Actually @cherish123 it's not that important for the baby at 2 weeks old to be bonded with dad. It's important from dad's point of view but everything about human biology says mum and baby should be close together in the early days.

greenlynx · 03/02/2019 01:04

It’s very strange that he doesn’t want you to go with him. I would be very suspicious. What he is trying to prove? And why? He has one to one bonding time with baby, it’s not like you don’t trust him.
I would be against it.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2019 01:07

(I've skim read so apologies if this has been said)

First off, I didn't have a problem with my DH taken our newborn(s) off by himself at your baby's age. Even DS2 who was EBF had is 'outings' with Dad. But he didn't take them for whole days, it was usually for an hour or two. So I don't see a problem with your DH taking the baby for a visit.

I think there's room for compromise, if you will consider it. It may be scary for you, but it isn't going to do any harm to the baby, nor will it affect your 'bond'. Do you think you can consider this possibility? That your fear is your fear, but not one based on reality. If so, then do you think you can explain to your DH that you need to work up to him taking the baby, for you, and not because of him. Then maybe he could start by taking the baby for a walk (weather permitting) on his own, a short drive, or to visit a neighbour for about 45 minutes or so. See how that goes. Then work up to visiting family without you. It's healthy for him to have his child on his own, he needs to develop his own 'bond', too.

GahWhatever · 03/02/2019 01:08

Goodness, how difficult.
2 weeks is still very tiny and your newborn is, psychologically, still very a much a part of you. Chances are that you'll be a lot more chilled about this suggestion in a few weeks but for now I'd reassure your DH that it isn't about you not trusting him but about the fact that you NEED to be close to your baby, at least for now.
So, either go with them but let him do the proud father thing while you curl up in a corner with a cuppa or invite his family over to yours for your own peace of mind but let him host/parent.
He's justifiably proud of his baby and wants to show that he can be independent but right now it's going to be so difficult for you and he clearly hasn't grasped that.
Congratulations on your new arrival Flowers

Limpshade · 03/02/2019 01:16

It depends...

Are you breastfeeding OR formula feeding?
Do the relatives live 5 minutes away OR, for example, three hours away?
Is he planning to go for a quick coffee OR, for example, an entire day?

I couldn't say who is BU without the context. I'm surprised anyone can, TBH!

Pumpkintopf · 03/02/2019 01:22

Op you've said you can't understand why you can't go to the relatives too - can you dh explain himself?

Pumpkintopf · 03/02/2019 01:23

And agree with limpshade on the context issue.

BlondeBumshelll · 03/02/2019 01:31

It's fine for a Dad to take a newborn out on his own provided the Mum is happy to be separated from the baby for a while.

If the Mum isn't happy to be separated and the Dad isn't very understanding and causing arguments over it.....then THAT is a problem.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/02/2019 01:43

The thing is 'equality'. We want equality but we don't like it when men demand it.

Its never going to work. Either we want to be equal and therefore have equal everything. Or we accept that we are different and want different things.

If you expect your DH to have 50% responsibility for your baby then how can you complain when they exercise it!

Boysandbuses · 03/02/2019 01:48

See this is an issue with the 'men need to take more responsibility of child care'.

Society, in the UK, at least is in a transition period. Men are now expected to be very hands on and take 50% care when they are, women can have careers and more men are sahp etc. Which great, I am single mum and it's been eaiser as a single mum because I maintained my career when married.

The down side is things like this. Men are told they must do 50% when they are there, they must be hands on and equal parent. But i dont think it's realistic. When the a woman is pregnant it's all about her choices how she wants to do things, then the baby is born and it's still 'be an equal parent but only as the mother allows.' Because of the hormones and instincts. It's very difficult to balance. Then men are expected when the child is a certain age to just step in and do things that they maybe haven't before or have tried to do and been told no, like offer to take the toddler out tongue the mother a break. But for the last 1-2 years it's not been allowed or only when the mother says it's ok. If I was trying to be an equal parent but couldn't make decisions or do the things I wanted with my child, I am not sure that light would automatically switch on to say 'right now you can be equal and you need to do this, this and this'

Nobody is at fault and i certainly wouldnt want society to take a step back to where women, on the whole stayed at home and men didn't do much in the house or with the kids. But I can't help wonder if it was easier in situations like this or will be in years to come when we learn how to balance things.

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