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Original poster

DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

483 replies

StarFleece · 02/02/2019 20:40

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/02/2019 22:39

Are we talking about a short trip to family who live around the corner from where he can make a quick exit to return for a feed, while you take a bath, or an hour + drive for a full day out?

Jarstastic · 02/02/2019 22:39

Father wants to take his baby out.

= FGM.

Seriously? Totally baffled.

TurquoiseDress · 02/02/2019 22:39

*You spent 9 months with your baby inside you, 24 hours a day. You felt her growing and moving. You vomited because of the hormones that kept her safe. You didn’t drink. You avoided all sorts of foods. You stressed if you had a paracetamol.

You got anxious if she moved too much, and doubly so if she moved too little.

You felt her foot in your bladder and her tiny fist punching against your swollen, baby full self.

Then....you grave birth to a whole new human. You pushed her out (or had a sunroof fitted). She came out of your body. Your body, which will never be the same.

So now she is out in the world - this girl you grew. And it’s harder to keep her safe. You can’t do it by not having wine or soft cheese. You can’t keep her safe by not having shellfish or by reading the tiny contraindications on gaviscon eight times just in case. You can’t sheild her with your womb.

So keeping her within touching distance is the next best thing*

@SmileEachDay

What you've written sums it all up really beautifully, how a mum with a brand new baby feels in those early weeks!

Kokeshi123 · 02/02/2019 22:40

I don't think the fact that he wants to take her out by himself is weird or bad. I think he probably feels that when the mother is there, he kind of takes second place and feels that it will be a different dynamic when it is just him and the baby. As long as it is an hour or two at the most and not physically too far away, I think this is OK. Just make sure he really really understands that you really do need the baby back quite soon and the period of separation cannot be extended otherwise it can cause BFing issues.

TurquoiseDress · 02/02/2019 22:40

Bold fail

Onandonandons · 02/02/2019 22:40

I agree with you. It's a natural reaction to want to be close to your new born.

Kokeshi123 · 02/02/2019 22:43

There are some women on this thread with some serious anxiety issues.

Missingstreetlife · 02/02/2019 22:43

So the baby is going to be shown off and everybody will,have a turn at holding her and putting their fingers in her mouth and breathing on her. Feeding her even. Nah.
Why doesn't he want you there? That's the wierd bit. Can they come to you?
Was he a bully and control freak before and during your pregnancy?

Caterina99 · 02/02/2019 22:45

I probably wouldn’t have minded being away from either of mine for a short period for 2 weeks, but breastfeeding made that very difficult. I certainly had no issues with DH, grandparents etc taking her downstairs or for a walk in the pram while I took shower or a nap.

DH taking them to visit family without me? I think I would find that a bit strange, and it would really depend on the situation if it was actually necessary. Are we talking popping out for an hour here or away for a long time?

Starlight456 · 02/02/2019 22:51

Did you previously visit these relatives together.

It is the insistence to be alone and OP not been allowed to visit .all seems wrong.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 22:51

OP - bluntly - is it that you are refusing to go with him rather than your husband insisting on going alone?

Neonate not with mother:

  1. I do not look young enough to be a new mum. I had 2 day old GS in the pram in an Oxford Street lift. A couple of women cooed over him and asked how old he was so I told them. They looked shocked and as we all left the lift asked where his mother was. The answer was 'in a changing room over there choosing nursing bras!'
  1. Next day GS and I went to the outdoor section of a restaurant. A woman at the next table peeped in the pram and gasped 'But you can not be Mama, where is Mama?!' There could have been a worrying reason for her absence but it was a very boring one: 'Finding somewhere to park!'
HoppingPavlova · 02/02/2019 22:53

?????? Personally i’d just enjoy the little break. Depends how far away his relatives are though I guess. Close by as opposed to 2hrs for example. DH used to take ours out to a local cafe. I took the opportunity to sleep. Breastfed, so if needed it was only 10mins max to pop back home and if all was going well he would have a bit of a mosey around the adjoining shops as well. I thought it was good for bonding? He had them in a pram as the purpose of the trip was to drink a hot coffee but other times he or we went out that did not involve a hot drink he would always have them strapped to his chest in a baby carrier. I was just the milk machineGrin.

I have one who was in hospital for several months after birth. I visited 6 days a week (also had a toddler who needed time with me) and DH visited 1 day a week (he was working 6 days at the time). So they didn’t have continuous time with a primary carer as such and as great as the nursing staff were it was not even the same primary person assigned each shift. Irrespective, they seem to be the most ‘bonded’ of our kids. The most confident, at ease with life and no undue anxiety or anything untoward in that regard.

guineapig1 · 02/02/2019 22:54

Caterina99 I absolutely agree, there is a huge diffrence between dad (or other family member) taking the baby out for an hour or so whilst OP is having a bath/nap etc and going further afield for a longer period.

I say this as someone who, with no other option left DC2 at 4 weeks with my very best friend and her mother (who was a good friend of my DParents) for over 4 hours for a close family funeral. It was all fine x

SirVixofVixHall · 02/02/2019 22:55

Having given half the baby’s genes does not mean that a father is equally important to a newborn infant. Tiny babies only need their mothers, and to stay close to them. The Dad is a nice bonus, but he isn’t important, other than to help care for both Mother and Baby. Later Dads are important of course, but your baby has only just left your body, and just wants and needs you.
Very odd to take the baby and not you, as a pp said, she isn’t a doll.

Beeziekn33ze · 02/02/2019 22:55

I wonder what the reactions would have been had the little one been apparently alone with his father!

Candelabra75 · 02/02/2019 23:01

Your hormones are still all over the place, you are adapting to the huge physical and emotional upheaval of giving birth and literally changing from one human to two separate humans. Your anxiety is a totally natural response and you have every right to feel a strong physical need to be close to your child right now. You are a mother who is programmed by nature to protect and nurture her child at all costs.

People may tell you that you need a break, that you should let others help, that it will do you good, and they are probably doing this thinking they are being kind, but as mothers we are all different. Some of us just need more time to adjust to motherhood, and letting a mother do this in her own time is important in allowing her to adjust and regain emotional balance. In your own time you will come to appreciate and enjoy sharing and taking a break from your baby, but what is normal for one woman is not right for another. It might happen in a week or two, or it might take you several months. But it will certainly happen in time.

At the same time I expect your partner is going through a huge emotional upheaval. He is suddenly pushed aside whilst mother and child take the spotlight. I am sure inside of every father there is a very slight feeling of insecurity as he realises he is now having to share his partners love and attention. Add to that the things like stress from being off work, lack of sleep, coming to terms with what he might have seen/not seen at the birth, the burden of responsibility - I expect he's really not feeling his best self right now.

These early days of parenthood can put a huge strain on a relationship. Just try to understand and respect each others feelings as best you can. Be gentle and kind and it will all work out. Don't take things to heart - we all say and do things when we are tired and stressed and emotional that might hurt others feelings. Your husband is respecting your opinion on this even though he doesn't agree with it, and that is what really counts - it shows how much he must love you.

Lifeofsmiley · 02/02/2019 23:01

To the people who say they would be very suspicious of this, what exactly do you think is going to happen?

Highonthehill · 02/02/2019 23:03

@kokeski123 yes.... what's your point??

Anxiety can be a deliberating mental health issue..... however some of us manage it by dealing with situations in a way that doesn't increase that anxiety... even if it means not leaving our children for 6 months.

Don't come in here making people with anxiety more bloody anxious with your judgey statement

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2019 23:03

StarFleece "I just don't want to be separated from her in the sense that he takes her out to visit people and leaves me at home- I don't feel ready for that at all and he won't accept that."

of course you don't. It's pretty normal. Your baby's father is being an idiot and a very cruel and selfish one too. Are you breast feeding?

"I want to go with him to visit the relatives - he sees that as me not trusting him. For some reason he wants to take her alone I don't actually know why." I think that he is being an absolute dickhead and I'm afraid this doesn't bode well for the future. If he cannot be kind to you at this early stage, I am not sure when he will be.

Butteredghost · 02/02/2019 23:03

I would be totally fine with this, in fact I think it would be really sweet and a chance for me to relax. Everyone is different. My LO was apart from me in the hospital for his first two days of his life, and I was fine with it. Gave me a chance to recover.

littlbrowndog · 02/02/2019 23:04

Jeez father takes baby out

Excellent
More dads should doing this
Wtaf is wrong with that
Anyway op,not been back to,tell us what the heck is. Wrong with thatb

qazxc · 02/02/2019 23:06

My DP used to take newborn DD out for walks around town. He liked showing her off and it was a nice bonding thing for the 2 of them.
I suppose he also liked to be able to look after her without me backseat parenting.
Having said that I was OK with it and I'm sure if I'd told him it was upsetting to me, he would have stopped.
Could there be a compromise that he take her out for an hour or so and keep his phone on so that if you feel anxious you can call him?

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2019 23:06

Clearly the OP isn't going to feel like relaxing.

Plus he i snot just taking the child (2 week old baby) away or out he is not wanting the mum to come either.

Butteredghost · 02/02/2019 23:06

And I'm not saying you have to let him, but as for why he might want to do it - plenty of non nefarious reasons. I know I like to catch up with my parents or friends just me and them (and baby) sometimes. When baby is young you both spend a lot of time together at home, so it's nice to get out of the house and spend a few hours apart sometimes.

Sleeplikeasloth · 02/02/2019 23:08

I was happy for my husband to take our baby out alone during the first two weeks, but he wouldn't have done it if I wasn't OK with it. Equally, I took our baby out without my husband, but only because he was OK with it. In the early days, I think you both should be able to spend as much time with the baby as you want - especially if a dad is then having to go back to work. One of you (either) doesn't get to unilaterally insist on having their child alone.

I don't find it odd that he would want time alone, and I think it's useful to work on feeling comfortable with this. BUT, you are now a family of three, and him excluding you from seeing his family is weird.

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