DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

Secondly I also find it very very suspicious he wants to take her alone don't like that one bit

SOMEBODY CALL THE PAPERS! HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! Man wants to take his daughter out!

This place is batshit crazy sometimes.

Why the fuck would he want to do this?

Why would he insist on it when you're clearly not comfortable with it? Why shouldn't you all go along?

You're the one who has just had to go through pregnancy and labour. His job right now is to support you and your DC, not give you extra unnecessary stress.

Your DC is attuned to your body, your voice and smell. You're the one the baby wants and needs to calm them down if they get upset. Who the hell would try to cut off a newborn baby - even temporarily - from their prime source of comfort?

He is a dick. This sounds like some kind of weird power move. I would be evaluating whether or not you want to remain in this relationship.

It's the insistence she isn't there. Why aren't people getting that.

I’m really sorry I don’t fully understand either. I completely understand that you may want to go too, that needs addressing separately, but I really think that a baby needs to spend time bonding with their Dad separately from Mum. It’s really important that they gain athe closeness that the Mother has had during the pregnancy especially if the baby is breastfed as the Dad won’t get the feeding time closeness either.
I understand that you may find this tricky. What if you came to a compromise and said that you really wanted to go to the relatives together but maybe he could take baby out on his own for a shorter amount of time.

You are going to get both views to be honest. Because everyone is different, had different birth experiences, want different ways of living, people with anxiety, people who are laid back.

You can only go by what you feel is right for you.

Yea your dh popped his todger in and provided half the dna, however it was your body that grew and protected that baby and then did what it needed to, to birth that baby.... your hormones that were thrown all over the place and are still trying to settle while dealing with a whole new set of feelings towards this tiny human that you can now see.

At 2 weeks i went to Mothercare leaving baby at home.... I have never gone into and back out of a shop so fast in my life. I was away for about 40 mins in total. I trust my dh explicitly (once bf reduced he had dd more and more) but those early days I couldn't physically leave her for too long without worrying or having some form of anxiety. Dh understood and respected that.

Visitors came to us, no matter how far away they lived. They stayed for a few hours if close family or an hour if friends. They respected that as they knew we were tired, had lots of visitors etc.

You had a baby 2 weeks ago. If you were telling me baby was 2 months old then my.feelongd

Are you breastfeeding?

How far away is he planning to take the baby?

Has he explicitly said he doesn't want you to come, or has he put it to you in another way? For example... Telling you he doesn't want you to come full stop is very different to him telling you he will be fine with baby and to use this as a chance to have a few hours to sleep?

Are you telling the dull story here? Do you have a reason to be concerned?

Dull = full

Sorry phone went weird.

If baby was 2 months then my response may be different.

Thst baby has had no jabs, is susceptible to germs and bugs. And as mum is there it should be kept close.

Someone said about mammals keep their young close. Dad's will protect and gather food in some cases, however it's Normally the mum that keeps them close for the majority of the time.

If you don't want to be away from your baby then DH needs to respect that

I'm totally confused. Why are so many people calling the man names? My husband took our babies out in the sling on his own. It was a wonderful chance to jump in the shower!!
I don't understand why any mother would treat their partner and father of their baby with so little respect.

It's totally normal for you not to want to be separated from your newborn. It's also ok to want some time to yourself, I left my DD with her Dad when she was two weeks old to go to a concert I'd bought the (very expensive) tickets for before I was even pregnant. It was fine, I missed her but it was nice to get a little break. Everyone is different. Everyone.

I am wondering if this is a case of him suggesting something (taking the baby to visit family members) you vetoing it quite strongly and now he's digging his heels in because he feels like you don't trust him and it's become a 'thing' for him to prove he can take care of the baby on his own?

I had a habit when DD was a newborn, of swooping in and 'taking over' when DH was doing something with DD, I didn't think he was incapable, I was just acting on instinct but it made DH feel like I didn't trust him with the baby. Which couldn't of been further from the truth.

@deadbutdelicious

My dd is 18 months and I still swoop in. Dh has her on his own one day a week plus more when I go out but this instinct or urge just rushes over me to help sort her out or comfort her.

If dh goes in at night to see to her, if she is crying too much it goes through me like a dagger that I have to help otherwise I can only describe it as trauma, like my heart is physically breaking

Why can't you go too? DS didn't go anywhere without me until 12 months. DH would take him for a walk in the pram, push him round the block a couple of times to try and get him to sleep, but aside from that, not without me. Everyone is ready at different times. Many factors to take in to account. Breastfeeding. PND. Anxiety. How many other DC you have etc.

The fact is, if he respects you, then he will not push to separate a mother from her child against her will. I would question if he truly loves you?

I don't have a clue what this thing is....What I do know is it's marring what should be a wonderful experience for both of you.

I am normally and incredibly calm and relaxed, way too easy going person. When my baby was about 2 weeks old my husband took her out for a walk round the block so i could sleep. I woke up screaming because I thought she was dead.

We have evolved behaviours to protect our newborns and not being away from them is one of them. It's a very strong emotional connection and at this early stage you will have a strong reaction to being away from your baby. Your DP can take your baby on his own soon enough but for now he needs to understand the effect that your hormones will have on you so soon after birth.

Can anyone link the other thread (or surmise)..... there seems to be a lot more at play here?

I'm with dad. Assuming we're talking something reasonable like maybe only an hour limit from a breastfeeding mother. Screams that OP doesn't trust him or respect him.

OP, my aunt took DD for a walk when she was a few weeks old so I could get some rest. I woke in a blind panic and just wanted her back. I didn't go out for a haircut until she was four months!

YANBU at all. I see no reason why he can't wait until you can all go together, unless you are NC with his family in which case he will just have to wait until you're ready.

What's with big conspiracy that dad is weird, it's not normal he doesnt want you there. He's clearly reacting to what he thinks is mum not trusting or being capable of looking after there child. You both need to work at it. Yes, it's hard for you but it's hard for him too. It's his child too no one trump's anyone. Figure it out, compromise wins

Highonthehill, I get it, that's what it was like for me. She's 2 now and I only get that urge when she's getting really worked up. Most of the time I can step back and let DH deal with it. Which I appreciate is not the case for everyone.

op what do you think on what has been said so far ?

I couldn’t consider being separated from my newborn for about 6 months. It felt primal.

If he just wanted to take baby out for a short time and it wasn't miles away I would say YAB a bit U. But I think it's a bit odd him specifically not wanting you to go. That's a separate issue. Maybe he's looking to prove he can do it alone? Idk. I doubt you'd plan a trip where you didn't want him to go with you and baby and then get shirty with him for wanting to come.

My husband took both our boys out at 2 days old for a couple of hours. It gave my nipples a break and I napped for 2 hours!

another yanbu

for many of the reasons mentioned.

fair enough for those that didn't have an issue being away from their newborn. the rest must have been nice! but I found it upsetting and caused me anxiety. a loving and caring partner and father should be understanding when that is the case.

I also think it odd that he wants to take the baby away alone to visit relatives. don't people usually come to your house to visit the baby with both it's parents

Are you breastfeeding and how long are we talking about?

I would not want a BF baby going for hours at this age. An hour or so is not an issue even if you are BFing.

If baby is FF, I would be more flexible, but 3 hours or so would be the max.

@ChasedByBees

You weren't away from your baby at all for the first six months?

God I loved to leave the baby with DP and have a coffee and a wall around the shops for an hour. Granted it was my choice and I live less than 5 minutes from a shopping centre so in was on hand to get back quickly if need by / I wanted to.