DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

There is not enough information provided for posters to decide who is BU!

In my personal opinion, she's BU unless she thinks her H will kidnap the child or whatever so what that the baby is 2 weeks old? What's gonna happen if the dad takes it out for a couple of hours? What's with all the drama? Pointless histrionics...

Have a bath or a nap, go do some shopping or something in the time the baby is out. Energy better spent than being a massive drama queen

@StarFleece I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you'd put in your op that HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO GO TOO I think less people would be saying you're being unreasonable.
Please take care of yourself, issues like this can really mess with your emotions - and they're messed up enough after giving birth! X

Can any of you imagine for a second if this was a Mum having to ask permission to take her baby out of the Dad's sight for a while?

A woman posting on AIBU to say "I want to take 2-week-old out to visit my relatives without DP. He gets on with my family fine, he's off work anyway, I just don't want him to come because I want it to just be me and the baby" would get eaten alive.

so what that the baby is 2 weeks old? What's gonna happen if the dad takes it out for a couple of hours?

Its mother will be anxious and stressed, so not able to pass the time with a nice relaxing nap or a lovely soothing bath.

And DH is trying to dominate OP? How, by ASKING to have his daughter alone for a short time?

He’s not really just asking though is he. He’s bullying her and manipulating her with all this ‘you don’t trust me’ nonsense.

What kind of man purposely does something that he knows would cause his wife anxiety and stress? A lot of new mum’s need to be close to their newborns. Others don’t. But the OP is one of the former kind, and removing her baby from her is nothing short of cruel.

Why would someone who loves you put you through that? He’s putting his own ego above the wellbeing of his wife and child.
That’s not what I would call equal parenting. I call that a man dominating a woman to suit his own needs.

new mums*
Bloody iphone.

"Feminism isn’t the abandonment of female biology. It’s ensuring women aren’t oppressed because of it."

Exactly

There are two responses here:

1. why can't you go with him to visit said relatives?
2. actually dads are good but they need the chance to have time alone with baby to bond too. After the birth of my son I was readmitted to hospital after a few nights of being at home. My son had become used to being at home, the hospital said DS could stay in hospital with me, but it was not fair to disrupt him again so my husband took him home on his own while I stayed in hospital overnight. DS was about 16 days old. Best thing hubby did when he came to visit me the next day he'd changed overnight into this dad who could confidently do anything.

Yes but your husband let you decide, he didnt try to force you to do something you were uncomfortable about, just days after giving birth.

@53rdWay well then the mother should get over herself and put her big girl's pants on! The dad isn't some random bloke taking the baby to a random place ffs. Seriously how do precious people like that get through a day? What's the worst that can happen?

well then the mother should get over herself and put her big girl's pants on!

As multiple people have repeatedly explained, it is entirely normal to feel anxious when separated from a very tiny baby you have given birth to weeks before. If she still feels like she can't be separated from it when it's 5/6/7 months old then it's time to speak to a doctor. At 2 weeks though? It's well within normal.

What's not well within normal is the baby's dad saying "I don't care if this will upset you, I don't care that you want to come and visit my family too, I want to do this myself and I don't want you there" when the baby is two weeks old.

Tbh, OP, it does not matter one tiny jot whether 99% of mothers would jump at the chance to be rid of their newborn for a few hours. YOU don't want to be without baby, it would cause YOU stress and there's nothing unreasonable about that at all.

This

I worked on a piece of art for over a year then sold it to strangers omg. Yes of course I know a baby is different but the mere length of time someone spent on something doesn’t mean they can’t share it.

Eh?

In fact, on the subject of normal anxiety at the prospect of separation from a two week old baby, if a mother felt no anxiety or very little anxiety at the prospect, it would be a sign of abnormal emotional and psychological development, poor personality organisation, immature ego, with an inadequate sense of connection to the baby that would bode very poorly for the future mother-baby relationship.

And you can piss off with the cod psychology as well. I had no issues or anxiety being separated from my kids as babies but I can fully understand why the OP does. There’s nothing wrong with my relationship with my son because his dad took him up to see his work friends for an hour and I didn’t go 🖕🏻

The artwork analogy is hilarious
I wonder how many artworks that PP has created inside her body and pushed out of her vagina
I wonder how many times her artwork has woken her up in the night because it needs to be attended to
I wonder if she organises a babysitter when she goes out and leaves the artwork at home

@picklemepopcorn
FGM at 6 weeks

At 2 weeks post birth you and the baby are barely separate people yet. Dad taking the baby out to the shops or for a walk is completely different to taking them visiting relatives which is likely to be a good few hours even if they live close by.
Your husband is being weird and cruel and it's completely unnecessary.

In fact, on the subject of normal anxiety at the prospect of separation from a two week old baby, if a mother felt no anxiety or very little anxiety at the prospect, it would be a sign of abnormal emotional and psychological development, poor personality organisation, immature ego, with an inadequate sense of connection to the baby that would bode very poorly for the future mother-baby relationship.

I felt no 'anxiety' at leaving my two week old baby. I trusted that she was in good hands and would receive the best possible care while I went out for a few hours. I missed her, I looked forward to seeing her but I wasn't worried or anxious. Nice to know that it's a sign of 'abnormal emotional and psychological development' though.

@Aarghhelpplease
It’s really important that they gain athe closeness that the Mother has had during the pregnancy especially if the baby is breastfed as the Dad won’t get the feeding time closeness either.
What a pile of crap unless men carry babies gaing the closeness of pregnancy is impossible.

what I don't understand to those saying the op is being unreasonable is why the father's want to take the baby out on his own trumps the op's want not to be away from her baby?

“ If you'd put in your op that HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO GO TOO”

The OP is far from convincing on that point and her reticence to provide more informations isn’t great.

A two weeks old with no3 I had to take no1 for major surgery. The baby was left with my MIL. Ten days to be precise.

I don’t understand all this ‘after a feed’ stuff. The baby is two weeks old. Straight after a feed, it will probably be ok for...oh, somewhere between 2nanoseconds and 2 hours. But there is no way to tell which applies.

2 weeks! They don’t even know night and day yet. Sometimes they just go mental for no reason and feed feed feed.

I actually found whenever I was anxious about baby being away from me, it was a predictor of a growth spurt. By the time we were on our third, DH would come over and take him off me - if I handed him over reflexively, everything was fine. If I blocked DH and hung onto him we looked at each other and thought oh god, here we go, he’s going to be feeding all bloody night. Hormones innit.

Listen to your instincts OP.

He’s bullying her and manipulating her with all this ‘you don’t trust me’ nonsense.

Maybe he said because he feel its true. Ok isn't giving much up. Maybe he has good reason to think this. Maybe not.