DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

This father isnottrying to be an equal carer. He is trying to assert his authority, control and "ownership" of the baby. It's abhorrent. And what's just as abhorrent is the fact that people - women! - are siding with him*

That's your assumption. The op hasn't given that detail. She has been back several times but not answered the questions.

How long is the visit he’s proposing?

If it’s a five minute trip to his relatives and he would have her back within an hour, then I can sort of understand why he’d be frustrated you won’t allow it. He may want to feel you are allowing him some space to take responsibility as a father. How would you feel if he insisted on going everywhere with you and DD? It would imply a lack of trust.

But it does very much depend on circumstances. A longer visit would be more difficult. If you’re breastfeeding, then time away is likely to cause distress.

I confess I’m torn and I can’t tell who’s being unreasonable due to lack of detail.

I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

How long and how far away is the visit and is the baby EBF?

Well said @ReaganSomerset (your post at 07.53). I completely agree.

What AnotherEmma said, with bells on.

All this rubbish about not trusting him, expecting men to do 50:50 but making it so hard for the poor fellas, what is that? Biology is what it is. Breast or bottle, it's an instinctive reaction not to want to be parted from your newborn. Maybe some mums don't have it, but for the vast majority that's a given. Dad can do plenty, and a fathers first role and desire should surely be to love and protect both mum and baby. If he can't bond because his own wife is present, I'm not convinced of his abilities or motives. Either way, even if lots of posters didn't feel the biological urge, OPs husband is a dick.

She's vulnerable, the thought upsets her, she's spent a year carrying and birthing his child, so either he loves her and wouldn't hurt her and drops it, or his wants matter more. Which is not to mention the baby's requirement to be near mum that he's completely discounting.

I'd be willing to bet my house that OPs MIL wants to get hands on baby without mum there and husband knows it. In which case I'd leave him. If he's putting his mummy first at this time in OPs life, she's got no chance.

It depends on where he's taking baby and how long they'll be out for. With both my DC, if my DH had offered to take them out for a walk for an hour when they were newborns I would've jumped at the chance to have a bath in peace and maybe even drink a cup of still hot tea, but I'm guessing this isn't the case for you and there may be wider issues behind your post, OP.

I wasn't happy with my DH taking DD out without me until she was about 6 months old. She was EBF but even if she was bottle fed I would say 2 weeks is very early to be parted, for the emotional wellbeing of mother and baby.

Supposing OPs H is annoyed at being told he isn't 'allowed' to take her, he needs to express this like an adult and communicate this better than just sulking and stropping. Imo.

Its an odd one OP. There is nothing inherently wrong with him taking her out but there seems to be a lack of respect for your wishes on his part.

If your tiny baby being away from you causes you anxiety especially in the first very emotionally vulnerable few months, then he needs to understand and respect your wishes to keep her close. I think he should take you with hin when he takes her to his relatives. Its very odd that he wants to do thos alone without explanation..

Congratulations on your new baby btw, im slightly jealous as mine is 10 months and doesnt even want cuddles and pulls my hair and i miss that cuddly snoozy stage.

I'm surprised by this thread. Seems to me that on the whole there are posters saying that they can understand the OP and wouldn't want to be separated from their newborn either but that is also ok to be fine with it if you are happy to spend time apart and then a load of other posters saying that they were fine with being away from their newborn so OP should be like that too. OP, you really shouldn't have posted in AIBU as there's a lot of people without any empathy here. It's perfectly normal not to want to be parted from your baby and you need to talk to your partner and explain to him how you feel, that it's not about not trusting him but just about what you feel comfortable with. Most importantly I can't understand why he would want to make you feel like this, it seems very unkind.
Kokeshi123 what a horrible thing to say. How insensitive.

Men can do 50% of the baby raising legwork. It doesn’t mean they have to do exactly the same things as the woman.

You can’t divorce early babyhood from the reality of female biology. Male biology means they are physically unaffected by pregnancy and child birth.

Interesting that a few posters felt my articulation of this was “martyr” ish or worthy of a “vomit emoji”.

Feminism isn’t the abandonment of female biology. It’s ensuring women aren’t oppressed because of it.

We need a lot more education about the 4th trimester in this country -let women recover in peace at home with their babies for 12 weeks.

It's not about his plans, and are they reasonable, it is that he is bullying you at this vulnerable time

He could be an idiot.
or
He could be an arsehole.

If you dont already know, deep down, what type of character he is, it should become clear to you in the next year. Good luck.

When me first child was a small baby there is no way I could have been separated from him. It caused me huge anxiety. My mum used to send me for a nap and I'd lie there straining to hear him. I trusted her entirely with his care but the anxiety was a physical reaction which I couldn't control.

He may want to take the baby out but he should try to understand what a fragile state you are 2 weeks post birth and be kind.

but I'm guessing this isn't the case for you and there may be wider issues behind your post, OP.

I don't agree. I wasn't separated from my DS until he was about 6 months, just didn't want to (and couldn't as he seemed to never stop feeding!) No wider issues and absolutely no problem with DH bonding...in fact now they're wonderfully close.

SmileEachDay

I agree.

Possibly controversial but I'm perfectly happy to not have 5050 parenting. And I see it as undermining motherhood.

2 weeks ago that baby was physically a part of your body. The first sound that baby ever heard was your heartbeat. Of course it doesn’t take much empathy to see that separating mother and baby at such an early stage for extended periods of time could potentially be distressing for both

This is your 3rd thread op. I think the crux of your problem is that you have had a child with a man who wants to dominate you.

This must have been the case before baby arrived but perhaps you were willing to let him him always have his own way then?

You can let him steam roller you on this because it understandably pains you.

You have offered to go with him to visit in laws and he said no. That is controlling and bullying.

I don't believe people change (I do believe therapy is great but only if the person wants to change/engage with it).

I'm sorry you are in this position - it must be beyond horrible.

Sorry, that should read 'you can't let him...'

I am talking about sexism against WOMEN, you idiot.

Of course you were. I was pointing out the problems with the ambiguous way you'd phrased it. And that the thread does prove that one sort of sexist conditioning - the conditioning that fathers are less competent at parenting, are more helpless; that women have to take the lion's share of parenting because they are the nurterers and carers while men are the providers - is absolutely alive and well. It's just not the sort of sexist conditioning you meant.

I don't think it's helpful when debating to call those who don't agree with you idiots, though. Having a different perspective to you does not make me an idiot, it just makes me a person with a different persepctive to you. Thank you, ReaganSomerset, for your more thoughtful, polite and carefully explained reply.

I do absolutely believe that each couple needs to work out what works for them as a couple when parenting, and that each needs to respect the other's point of view and feelings. But I find it bizarre on this thread how quickly posters have jumped to conclusions when the OP herself has provided barely any information and continues to resolutely refuse to do so. Yet still she is the victim of an oppressive, unreasonable, overbearing husband. We have had suggestions of FGM and other women tucked away in the shadows, waiting to step into the OP's shoes, for God's sake.

Maybe he is so proud of his little one he wants to take her on his own to let people know he can look after her on his own.. maybe he wants to show them and you he can do this without you?

My husband wouldn't have been confident enough to do this and to be honest although I wouldn't have stopped him from taking her I would insist on going as well as I wouldnt have liked the thought of others picking up, feeding, changing her with out my being there.. that wasn't a reflection on them that was me being a new protective mom and 'knowing what's best' for my baby

I think the important thing is you respect each other's views - not that you agree with each other. There will be many many parenting instances in the future where you will not agree with each other but will need to respect each other's views.
To give you some perspective - I was in hospital pre-birth from 28 weeks to 36 weeks. Unfortunately, they weren't sure our twins were going to survive so I did not buy any baby things. When they were born by emergency C at 36 weeks (both fine and healthy thank fully) - I only had 1 thing for them and I desperately wanted to be able to choose the cot and the pram and clothes etc. My m'n'law and sister came to the hospital and each took a twin (unfortunately my milk had not come in properly since I did not go into labour so they were bottle fed anyway) and off my hubby and I went to the London Baby Show to get the bits we needed. We were gone 5 hours. The twins were fine. I don't see any issue with people leaving their newborns with people they trust - but that doesn't mean you have to feel that way. Its likely at the time I had a different relationship with my babies as their future was uncertain before they were born. The important thing is you know what you want and need and that your husband respects that. If he is respecting that - then maybe it doesn't matter that he doesn't understand it - maybe he will one day.

*If the Op had asked him to take the baby out for a bit so she could have a break, then it'd be a different story.

I wonder why he is so insistent on doing this even though he knows you are unhappy. A good man would try and be understanding and sympathetic to his wife's feelings.

To me, this seems like he's deliberately trying to hurt you and cause you distress. That doesn't make him a very nice person, does it?*
^ This.

This thread has gone batshit.

Dad wanting to be alone with daughter for a short while means he's going to hurt or mutilate her? What the actual fuck??

And DH is trying to dominate OP? How, by ASKING to have his daughter alone for a short time?

This is all kinds of fucked up. Ok I've changed my mind, I don't see this from both sides now. I'm all for the Dad. The OP has said DH cannot take his own child out, THAT is dominating and the only one in the relationship who is trying to control the other one.

Can any of you imagine for a second if this was a Mum having to ask permission to take her baby out of the Dad's sight for a while? They'd be told to get out, ring the police, book into a safe house etc. A Dad wants to be alone to bond with his baby and show it off to his family for a while. This is not child abuse or controlling behaviour, get a grip