DH wants to take newborn out without me - response to reverse

[StarFleece]

I have been having some issues with my DH since our daughter was born two weeks ago. He doesn't believe me that this is a "thing" so I attempted to post a reverse to show him people's responses but it has been deleted. I would appreciate people's take on this situation so I can show my DH in an attempt to make him understand what I'm going through.

Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. He says it shows I don't trust him. I have explained this isn't the case and being away from her causes me extreme anxiety for now. He wants to take her to visit his relatives without me. I've told him this is cruel and he needs to give me a few weeks. He says he will but he doesn't think it's right and he's doing it because I've said so but he doesn't agree with it.

I'm going to show him responses to this thread, I don't know how to help him understand. If anyone has any helpful links I would appreciate it.

Well walking dead biology isn't equal is it.
So women will never be as physically strong as men. But men will never birth children. They will never understand that physical need.
Yeah in the first few months of a babies life the fathers job is to support the mother. It is a hard and scary time.

No one is stopping him parenting, or even having one on one time. She just doesn't want her child needlessly away from her at two weeks. Ffs. We are not talking about a one year old but a baby who not long ago all it knew was being with op constantly. That is all she knew.
Mothers are not mean for not wanting to be away from their babies.

.It’s natural for the mother not to want to leave the baby, particularly at 2 weeks old. Nothing to do with trust and everything to do with the fact that the baby lived inside the mother for 9 months.

Whenever someone writes a response that goes “Nothing do with X and everything to do with Y,” it’s alkost always a given that X is at least a plausible reason, even if you don’t agree, while Y is just a fact that doesn’t necessarily lead to any particular conclusion. I actually agree with the OP at least if I’m filling in the blanks correctly but these kinds of responses annoy me. I worked on a piece of art for over a year then sold it to strangers omg. Yes of course I know a baby is different but the mere length of time someone spent on something doesn’t mean they can’t share it.

Not wanting to start a bf vs ff debate... but just wondering if the majority of those who agree with OP have experience bf their babies whereas those who have more experience ff are more relaxed about it? I’m talking from a purely logistical rather than emotional standpoint here.

I bf and just logistically I could NOT have been away from DS at 2 weeks (other than to grab a shower/ dh walking him around the block). He was a cluster feeding monster - it would have been far too stressful for dh to have him alone for any significant length of time as he’d just scream. We were still perfecting latch at that stage so hadn’t introduced bottles yet.

So I can’t quite wrap my head around the whole ‘he’s 50% her parent’ as my experience of ebf was that it wasn’t possible to have a perfectly equal 50/50 split of parenting at that very early stage (dh probably does more with him than me now at 2 yrs old though!)

I mainly formula fed DS1 after struggling to bf for a week and expressed for DS2 and DD for 9 weeks before my supply went (preterm twins in NICU).

I still wouldn't be comfortable with it. However all my babies were sick (DS1 sepsis at birth and meconium aspiration, DS2 and DD 26 weekers DD with lots of problems) therefore I wonder if I'd have felt differently if I'd had a normal birth and well baby.

as my experience of ebf was that it wasn’t possible to have a perfectly equal 50/50 split of parenting at that very early stage

That’s right (presuming your ebf means exclusive rather than expressed). That’s why I pretty much got DH to do everything possible non feeding related if he was around. So bathing, changing nappies, having them sleep on his chest in front of the tv, taking them out for walks or down to the shops while I caught some z’s or had exclusive time with older ones.

Mine were a mix of exclusively fed and expressed fed. I never had any problems with him taking them out in either scenario. But common sense said he didn’t go far and was not out for hours on end. As I said before, able to get home within 10mins if there was a need for an unanticipated feed although that was really rare as using common sense he took them immediately after a feed. No difference with my one who was expressed fed (they had physical disabilities which made breastfeeding impossible for them). He didn’t take them out with a bottle as he couldn’t be bothered with the faff of taking it, warming it up etc. He actually did more of the feeds than I did with the expressed feeds when he was home though as it would make sense timesise for him to feed while I pumped. I would even get the cleaner to feed while I pumped on the days they came (they were older and loved doing it). That child has absolutely no attachment issues and has grown up to be the most well balanced kid in the family so can’t be too damaging!

Does he want to give you a break? Just posted on a similar thread saying dad’s are just expected to trust mums but we won’t but it is different. Are you BF? Can you leave baby? Maybe he just wants to be the man! And be proud, talking from experience take it whilst it lasts

It depends on how far away the relatives are and for how long he intends to be gone. For some reason you seem hell bent on refusing to provide this crucial info.

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser

Is there any signs that your dh may be having an affair? Is he defensive with his phone? I’m just wondering if he might be wanting to take your baby to see an ow.

I was thinking exactly the same.

Relatives normally visit...not the other way round.

Are these relatives housebound?

Your H is being an utter and complete dick.

Possibly seeing someone on the side.

Definitely causing you completely unnecessary grief and anxiety and showing a side that is controlling and mean.

Stick to your guns.

It doesn't matter how far away the relatives live. It doesn't matter if the baby is formula fed.
Mothers fall enormous anxiety when separated from their new babies in the early weeks and it can be incredibly traumatic to have someone take the baby away even for perfectly justifiable reasons like a medical exam or treatment - and it is not just the treatment that causes the anxiety. To attempt to browbeat the OP into allowing him to do this shows he is a bully with no concern for his wife and no appreciation at all for her experience of the post partum period.

If he gets away with this I hope the relatives send him back home immediately and tell him never to try it again. If some male relative of mine appeared with his two week old baby in tow and the new mother at home I would immediately suspect something was massively wrong in the relationship and in the man's understanding of the postpartum period.

fall enormous = feel enormous..

I don't see an issue and think you are being ureasonable- do you expect to never go anywhere without him? A short trip to the shops for milk, because he's proud/ why not?

Is there any signs that your dh may be having an affair? Is he defensive with his phone? I’m just wondering if he might be wanting to take your baby to see an ow.

Why the fuck would he do that? This place descends into absolute lunacy sometimes. In what world would a man take his newborn to an OW?

At 2 weeks your hormones will still be all over the place and you're developing your bond with your new baby. Your DH should be supporting you at this vulnerable stage not trying to cut you out.

Strange behaviour on his part wanting to visit relatives on his own with the baby without you at this early stage. There's time enough for that when the baby's older.

The relatives should be coming to you or you should be going to visit as a unit at this early stage.

You spent 9 months with your baby inside you, 24 hours a day. You felt her growing and moving. You vomited because of the hormones that kept her safe. You didn’t drink. You avoided all sorts of foods. You stressed if you had a paracetamol
You got anxious if she moved too much, and doubly so if she moved too little.
You felt her foot in your bladder and her tiny fist punching against your swollen, baby full self
Then....you grave birth to a whole new human. You pushed her out (or had a sunroof fitted). She came out of your body. Your body, which will never be the same
So now she is out in the world - this girl you grew. And it’s harder to keep her safe. You can’t do it by not having wine or soft cheese. You can’t keep her safe by not having shellfish or by reading the tiny contraindications on gaviscon eight times just in case. You can’t sheild her with your womb

So NOT envy. Def need a vomit emoji

I can't say I ever felt the need to martyr myself the way so many on MN seem to relish in but each to their own. I do find it incredibly unfair that the father of a child is 'forbidden' to looking after that child solo. I'm so glad I chose the father better than that.

Some of these replies are ridiculous- no wonder some dads feel pushed out when a baby arrives.

It's your husband's baby too. He is entitled to take the baby out without you if he wants. Don't see why there'd be a problem with this to be honest.

Just seems weird to me that he wants to actively exclude you when you get on well with his relatives. Why must he be alone?

You've said this is about your anxiety not your baby's needs or your DH's competence so, of course, it is a bit unreasonable. Have you spoken with your GP or a health visitor about this? Anxiety isn't uncommon straight after childbirth, your hormones are doing all sorts of things, but it is a mental health condition and you need to keep an eye on it to make sure it dissipates or you get help for it. In the meantime, both pandering to it and having it totally ignored are likely to exacerbate it. Your Dh needs to back off with the hyperbole about you not trusting him and you need to let him start doing normal things like take his baby out on his own the way you sometimes do building up as you realise that nothing goes wrong when you aren't in the same building as your baby..

Anxiety is not a good condition to simply manage around rather than try to get to grips with, especially when you have children. Doing so tends to be bad for their welfare. Mumsnet is full of posters who try and normalise it, sometimes even laud it, but it's controlling, debilitating and has a huge detrimental impact on those around you and. Fortunately, anxiety is one of the most treatable mental health conditions and even if it doesn't just go away as you recover from childbirth, you can get help and stop it from wrecking your life and your family's.

Anxiety when the baby is out of your sight or out of your hands is a perfectly normal and natural feeling in new mothers.

It is not a sign of a mental health condition in the immediate post partum period to feel anxiety when faced with the prospect of your two week old baby being taken away from you for a time, even by the baby's father.

The OP doesn't have to get over it for the sake of those around her. It's not controlling or debilitating. It is an instinctive human maternal response in the post partum period and thanks to it, along with all the rest of the maternal instincts that kick in after birth, the human race has survived.

The OP doesn't need treatment for it and she doesn't need to get a grip. It doesn't need 'normalising' because it is completely normal already, and has been for aeons.

It will go away on its own as time progresses and the baby isn't quite so young and tiny. She doesn't need to speak to the GP about it unless the baby gets to six months and she is still feeling like this. It will not go away on its own by being thrown in at the deep end with a separation the OP is opposed to.

The H's approach here is likely to traumatise his wife and cause a rift between them. For what - just to prove something he believes about her that is based in ignorance of what post partum women go through, or lack of kindness or patience, or to prove to her that she is not the boss of him?

The only thing causing any damage right now to the family is the OP's H and his behaviour that comes across as bullying.

In fact, on the subject of normal anxiety at the prospect of separation from a two week old baby, if a mother felt no anxiety or very little anxiety at the prospect, it would be a sign of abnormal emotional and psychological development, poor personality organisation, immature ego, with an inadequate sense of connection to the baby that would bode very poorly for the future mother-baby relationship.

“Basically - he thinks he should be able to take our 2 week old daughter out alone without me and is annoyed with me that I won't allow this. ”

YABU. Exceptionally so. Imagine he said you couldn’t take the baby out alone or to visit relatives without you. Ridiculous.

She is not being controlling.

The baby is two weeks old.

This thread is madness. So many replies and yet we don't know the full story.

As I said before, if the relatives are on the next street and he would take the baby for half an hour that's fine. If it's an hour drive and he wants to go for the day then it isn't fine. While we don't know the details it is crazy to judge.

Does seem odd the relatives aren't coming to you though, unless there's a good reason for that too, like they're housebound or there's a serious relationship issue.

The replies on this thread are actually quite scary. It’s genuinely worrying that there are people out there, thinking these thoughts.

Yanbu OP. Two weeks is way too soon. I remember my dbro, whom I trust implicitly, took my then 5mo ds for a walk to the park, approx 5 mins away. I cried. I know your dh is your father blah blah blah, but it's nothing short of cruel, two weeks post partum, to make you anxious for no reason whatsoever.