To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

Because of this post, I don't either - thanks

Can you talk to a doctor/ hv?

whydontyou

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/sharing-a-bed-with-your-baby-ups-risk-of-cot-death/

There is often something in the press about co sleeping not being recommended by medical profession. Not me making things up!

Bed-sharing increased the risk of SIDS fivefold according to this article by the NHS.

Why had you an apnoea monitor?

To be fair for us with ds I was glad in some parts that he was in his own room. He was and still is a snorer. A loud one. I do miss him though but am at least now able to get some sleep (he’s 16m and I have gotten used to his snoring).

I’m currently pregnant with dc2. We have room in our room for a Moses basket or similar. But not a cot. Our spare room which will be dc2’s room has space for both a double bed and a cot. So when it’s cot time (when dc2 outgrows the basket) one of us will sleep in there with him/her for a while.

I actually don’t know anyone who followed the guideance to share a room until 6 months.

The thing with SIDS is; sometimes it’s not preventable. You can do everything you are meant too and still lose your baby. You can lessen the risk but you can’t eliminate it totally.

However, the what ifs of SIDS are difficult enough to deal with without that adding “what if I’d followed the guidelines”. I’ve watched someone chew themselves apart because not only do they not actually know why their baby died, but they are haunted by what ifs (the guidelines on back to sleep changed very very soon after) and it added a layer of guilt to their heartache that they were never able to get over.

That’s why I followed it to the letter. Mostly because anything that reduces the risk is a good thing, but also so that I was never in that situation if I was one of the unlucky few because it was horrific to see them chew themselves to bits when it was absolutely not their fault.

You've had a very spirited debate in this thread OP. What are you going to do?

Op , congratulations to you You can see that you get a lot of strong views here on this subject. I think it’s normal that it’s quite an emotive subject.I believe it comes down to the fact that this is linked to basic human psychology.
There is often a lot of projection from people who go against the natural way of nurturing a baby. Obviously not every woman is able to breastfeed as we can see from the many threads here but most in reality could. It’s only in extreme situations that they really can’t, this is a fact otherwise the human race would have died out years ago. A baby once they are born has only one defense mechanism which is it’s cry, this is the only way it can alert it’s mother for food and for protection. Babies who are formula fed have a higher risk of sids and therefore no it’s not a good idea to put them into another room.
Babies who are formula fed lose a thing called natural arousal which helps them to wake if their heart rate lowers or they have trouble breathing. There is no doubt that breastfed babies wake more frequently which is in fact much healthier rather than something negative. People can’t hug or hold newborns enough and it doesn’t make someone a lentil, weaving hippy to believe this, it’s simply normal. I think there’s an element of pride in this notion that a baby is not going to encroach too much on a parents life and that it’s so important to establish sleep routines from a ridiculously early age. I know plenty of people who were avid Gina ford followers / no nonsense and ironically most of their kids are waking more now they are older and you can’t just put them in a cot and close the door anymore.....
I am not from a western culture and
I find it totally unnatural for a mother to want to sleep in a separate area from her newborn. V detached and strange. It’s not a weakness or “spoiling” a child to keep them close. Also babies and kids change.all.the.time. What works now won’t in the future, their presence will only grow. This on all honestly is the easy part. I wish you good luck op but listen to your instincts.

I must be the only person on MN who loves sitting in bed in the evenings
My baby is also 4 weeks old and I wouldn't dream of leaving her to sleep in another room but I quite happily sit in the bedroom and watch tv with the lights on in the evenings.

I don't know which of your posts is nastier - this one saying that parents who babies die should feel more guilty about it than they do, or your one where you tell the OP she might have PND.

PND is nothing to be ashamed of. And the NHS does need to educate parents about SIDS prevention.

The guidelines about stuff like SIDs and weaning are a bit of a blunt instrument, but it exists for a reason. I had a look at a lot of the primary research for stuff like this before DD1 because:

1. I like reading research papers.
2. I'm clearly sad and anal retentive.

Risk of SIDs declines rapidly from 3 months. By 4 months it's fairly close to the 6 month level (which is to say very low). We put DD2 in her own room at 5 months because she was a very light sleeper.

I think it would be unwise to sleep apart before 3 months. You would never forgive yourself if (God forbid) something awful happened.

Wrenika’s comment is just shudder worthy.

Op SIDS peaks between 2-4 months, so I wouldn’t suggest starting the obviously very important bedtime routine at 3 months.

It’s 5 more months of your life to have her with you. What’s the big rush? Some babies sleep, some babies don’t. Even with the best will in the world you can’t control that, routine or not. Just enjoy your child and accept that when you have kids you’re fecking tired for a long time. It’s normal!

PND is nothing to be ashamed of. And the NHS does need to educate parents about SIDS prevention.

You were not actually trying to help the OP with what you thought was genuine PND, and don't pretend you were. It was another way of you trying to tell her that she was not just wrong but somehow pathological.

The NHS does a lot of work around safe sleeping. Weirdly, they don't think that trying to shame mothers through hostile and snide attacks is the most effective form of education - why do you think that might be?

When there is any risk, why take it? I honestly dont understand people gambling with their children's lives. For what? So you can watch the TV loud with the light? Madness. Complete maddness.

Agree with your posts, Boywithacoin.

When there is any risk, why take it? I honestly dont understand people gambling with their children's lives. For what? So you can watch the TV loud with the light? Madness. Complete maddness.

Yeah, I know. Do you know that some people even drive with their babies? Risking their lives, just to go to the shops or a class or something. Madness. Total madness. You should make every single decision when you have a new baby to avoid the slightest risk of anything at all, ever. It doesn't really matter if that wrecks your own mental health - that's not worth considering.

I think with baby sleep there are often different risks to weigh up. I get the logic of keeping a small baby with you for sleeps but it isn't going to be practical or possible for every situation.

I honestly find the guidance to keep them with you till 6 months utterly bonkers. They won't settle downstairs with lights and noise and tv.

Stupid human babies, not evolving to accommodate parental needs for TV.

No no no

I don't just follow guidelines. I follow our life experience, a family baby gone from SIDS. A tiny tiny coffin and a broken hearted family.

They aren't just guidelines, they have stopped babies dying.

Yep, driving your newborn in a car seat and leaving a 4 week old in a different room are totally the same. Thank goodness you've come along to alert us all the dangers of driving. Phew.

Current advice might not be conducive to quick long sleep spells , but current sleep advice has led to a drop in SIDs of astound 75%

Far too early for a routine
Yes keep baby with you in evenings
Monitor does fuck all for sids prevention

Think you've had the range of opinions you wanted so what you going to do?

So what if you have other kids and a baby who needs dark and quiet to sleep? No one ever has an answer to that one

Put mine in her cot upstairs at 7am from 10 days old, had a video monitor. We wanted to start a routine, thankfully for us it worked really well

7pm!