To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

So basically - they made a list of things they thought would make a difference and sharing a room was on that list. Who can say what percentage of the risk reduction it accounts for. Quite a gamble.

That's not quite right - they looked at things that were found more often in SIDS case. So we do know that babies sleeping alone are disproportionately more likely to do - but we don't know that it's because they're sleeping alone, it may be a correlation. However, it may not.

And it's not true that we don't know what difference it makes - it's estimated to half the risk. Which is clearly significant, but pales in comparison to tummy-sleeping (seven times the risk) or smoking (between 4 and 9 times the risk, depending on how heavily you smoke).

All of this in is the Lullaby Trust evidence base: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/Evidence-Base-2016.pdf

A bedtime routine at 4 weeks old?
They won't know the difference.
You gave birth 4 weeks ago, I don't know why you're not really attached. That's alongside the risk of SIDS.

DS slept 7-7 from 3 months and is still a brilliant sleeper at nearly 6.
DS woke two hourly until he slept 8-7 at two and a half years and is still a brilliant sleeper at 12. Some just get there when they are ready.

Gosh, imagine having a baby that was “reliant” on its parents.....

I'd like a wider range of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre

OP, people go by the exact guidelines because SIDS is irreversible. We're not talking a skinned knee, FFS.

Anecdotes along the lines of "I left my bubs in her own room and she's fine now hun" are useless. You're never going to hear the other side of the story through anecdotes, because people whose children died of SIDS after being left alone will either A) keep their mouth shut about it or B) go into denial and convince themselves that their child's death wasn't their fault. The plural of anecdote is not data.

To infer that losing a baby to SIDS is the parents' fault is disgraceful. Shame on you.

Your attitude to your baby is sad.
Wow, I must be a heinous beast then, because at 4 weeks I was still leaving my baby to sleep in NNICU and only seeing her a few hours a day. I won’t even pretend I was tempted to sit beside her incubator 24 hours a day.

OP, do what you think works for all of you. We started doing this when DD was about 10 weeks old (she was 11 weeks early) after we’d had her home for about 4 weeks. We had a video monitor and had to because she would always wake when she was moved and her reflux made it hard to put her back to sleep. Sometimes I would sit in the room and read, but more often I’d take the chance to spend an hour with OH and do some tidying up.

Both my kids (2016 anc 2018 born) have gone upstairs at 7ish on their own (until we go up around 9/10pm) from around 2 months. I honestly find the guidance to keep them with you till 6 months utterly bonkers. They won't settle downstairs with lights and noise and tv. And i don't want to go to bed at 7! Have a monitor and checked on them regularly.

I don't want her to be reliant on being with me and DH (we sometimes give her a cuddle to sleep) to get and stay asleep.

She's four weeks old Relying on their parents goes with the territory. Have you talked to your doctor about PND? It's unusual for a mother to be so detached from her child at this stage.

Yeah it’s bonkers. So what if it makes them more likely to die.

Also I've not known anyone irl to follow that guidance. Only on mumsnet.

Bluelady, look up the Lullaby Trust website. There are links between the parents' lifestyle and SIDS, especially when it comes to smoking. The NHS isn't doing enough to educate people about this, IMO. It's worrying that so many people are under the impression that SIDS is "just one of those things" and can't be prevented.

I followed it. As did most of my friends.

This has got thoroughly nasty. I'd get it deleted if I were you, OP.

Anecdotes along the lines of "I left my bubs in her own room and she's fine now hun" are useless. You're never going to hear the other side of the story through anecdotes, because people whose children died of SIDS after being left alone will either A) keep their mouth shut about it or B) go into denial and convince themselves that their child's death wasn't their fault. The plural of anecdote is not data.

I don't know which of your posts is nastier - this one saying that parents who babies die should feel more guilty about it than they do, or your one where you tell the OP she might have PND. I don't know quite what your issue is but maybe try being a bit kinder?

@Pearl87 YOU think about what the parent of a baby lost to SIDS would feel reading your post. Unnecessary and, frankly, disgraceful.

My DC slept in the same room as us until they were 6 months old. DD2 until she was 2.5 and I moved into DH's flat.

Both my kids have been bathed, fed and put into their basket/bed at 7pm since a couple weeks old. Ds has been in his own room all night since 4 weeks.

Not the only person though being disgraceful to people whose babies died. All those people disregarding the stats because of their own anecdotes.

You gave birth 4 weeks ago, I don't know why you're not really attached.

Because of this post, I don't either - thanks

My Aunty lost a daughter to SIDS she would have been my little cousin.

If I told you that she kept the baby with her at all times - she was a vegetarian (not sure what that's got to do with it - I'm trying to explain there was no smoking or drinking in that house - they are tee total). She breast fed from birth.

Do not leave your tiny baby alone. SIDS is a very true risk.

Have you talked to your doctor about PND? It's unusual for a mother to be so detached from her child at this stage.

Great. Thanks.

It's a personal choice BUT ask yourself, is it worth the risk? Both of mine slept in our room and only with us there until 6 months. One sleeps brilliantly at 4 now and the other is a (loveable) nightmare at almost 6. Routines were the same so I really think it is child dependent and what you do now will have little to no impact other than increasing well studied and understood risk. Just because it hasn't led to any sad outcomes for your family isn't a good reason to dismiss the risk. As someone else mentioned, you are only likely to get those for whom it was fine posting. If that is the reassurance you are looking for, go ahead. I don't mean to sound harsh but it is potentially an awful outcome you are playing roulette with.

Have you talked to your doctor about PND? It's unusual for a mother to be so detached from her child at this stage.

This

4 weeks is tiny, obviously weigh up the pros and cons but remember your baby will change so much. What works for you now may not in the future so don't worry about teaching bad habits, you can't at 4 weeks.