To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

I never put mine to bed (bad mum here?) we let them fall asleep on us and we coslept until 2 years - at the time cosleeping was recommended to reduce sids.

The biggest factor in reducing cot deaths was the "Back to Sleep" This is the only scientifically proven reduction in SIDS. All other recommendations are based on theory. In particular the theory that babies need to hear you breath to breath themselves is a very recent and unproven theory. If you carefully read the recommendations they say "it is thought that".......

You have to do what you feel comfortable doing with the information available to you.

@HollyGoLoudly1 - I'm sorry you felt upset by whatever responses you got and I'm glad you're feeling well. It is however a reasonable assumption that a mum who wants her baby out of the way at only 4 weeks old might have PND because it's an unusual response to having a newborn. It's very dangerous for a baby's development for it to not receive affection, which I think is why it made people so emotional in responding to the OP's comment that she didn't pick up her baby as some people thought she meant she NEVER picked up the baby unless she cried, which is very bad for a baby's development. I think she's clarified now that that isn't the case. It shouldn't be automatically perceived as aggressive to ask somebody to consider if they might be unwell though, it's a very important question.

For context, mine is 10 months so he's young enough for me to remember the tiny baby days very well, as well as the baby books / classes with all the advice. The very last thing we wanted was him silent and put out of sight for adult time, we'd only just got him, we wanted cuddles and we wanted to constantly check he was ok. He's sleeping on me now for his morning nap, he won't still do it when he's 18, in fact he won't even have a morning nap by the end of summer, so while I could step away I'm happy to have him there and look down at his beautiful peaceful face.

What an awful thread, mostly caused by the Mumsnet Martyrs Brigade. Who, incidentally, all seem to follow the NHS (Peace Be Upon Her) guidelines EXCEPT co-sleeping of course because it's only the poor and feckless who suffocate their babies accidentally...
Good luck, OP! Incidentally, I really recommend a breathing monitor.

MRex now you are just making things up. She never said she wanted the baby out of the way. She was clearly talking about the baby going up to bed slightly earlier than her. That does not equate to not wanting to be around her baby. And people were not 'emotional' in their response, they were downright nasty in their response. And she clearly said that sometimes the baby needed cuddled to sleep, which she did do but obviously didn't want to be stuck in a situation where she is having to cuddle to sleep all the time, 6, 12, 18 months down the line. If people just took time to read and god forbid, just be a bit nicer it may not come across so horribly.

Mine were about 5 months when I started taking them up to bed before we went up. By that stage they'd outgrown the moses basket. My brain is pretty fuzzy about that stage as I'd had so much broken sleep for so long

If baby is happy and sleeping well, I'd keep them with you. If baby is the type that hasn't read the rulebook and following the guidelines makes them unhappy, then I'd adapt. Guidelines change and evolve as information emerges or gets debunked (admittedly this seems to change more witb weaning than sleep)

It is useful for nap time if they can sleep in a variety of settings. Having a baby who must be in a quiet, dark space to sleep is very limiting although how much of that is training or by default, I don't know.

@MRex It shouldn't be automatically perceived as aggressive to ask somebody to consider if they might be unwell though, it's a very important question.

Totally agree. However, I think the way in which it's put across by some posters IS aggressive, and used almost as an insult rather than a genuine concern for the OP (or myself on my post). 'Oh this can't be a genuine question, or if it as then you must have MH issues'. I was a new mum, asking a genuine question about how literally to take a SIDS guideline, and some posters seemed intent on making me feel like a totally shit mum for even asking. I know I'm not, I would do anything for my son (see previous comment about waking 8-10 time a night!).

I think some posters could/should be a bit more sensitive in their replies, whether they agree or not. Like I said previously, manners cost nothing. Telling a new mum she doesn't love her child enough for considering a bedtime is the only 'barbaric' thing on this thread.

Seriously, some of these comments! They would be hilarious if they weren't potentially making a FTM feel awful.

"Barbaric", seriously!! She's talking about putting a baby in a room within the same house, in a warm cot, with a baby monitor. She's not suggesting the baby goes to live with a pack of wolves ffs.

Oh yeah, god forbid you have to cuddle your child to sleep for a couple of years. What a total nightmare!

Anyone here still need to be cuddled or breastfed by their mother to get some sleep? I thought not.

I do not understand the mindset of children not being given what they want and need in case of (get ready for a dirty phrase) making a rod for their parent’s back! Christ, I know, terrifying.

I’m not pefect, I longed for a good night’s sleep. I know how crippling sleep deprivation is! For 2 years dd woke constantly and needed bf and cuddles and me to soothe her. But she now sleeps straight through with no input from me other than bath, story and saying night night. Let babies be babies and suck it up. Or don’t. But don’t be nasty to parents who do think that shoving a newborn out of sight for whatever reason is a bad idea.

No, let's quote instead of you rephrasing and changing it @MrsRyanGosling15. What she said was I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while... it's more for us at the minute, and then I don't want her to be reliant on being with me and DH (we sometimes give her a cuddle to sleep) to get and stay asleep.

Those are very fucking weird things for a mum of a 4 WEEK old baby to say. Firstly she wants the baby out of the way for them and not for the baby's sake. Secondly she talks about deliberately limiting cuddles, which is hugely damaging to a baby at that age. She wasn't talking about limiting cuddles at 18 months, but now. That is why she got the responses she did, because that behaviour would be worrying.

But don’t be nasty to parents who do think that shoving a newborn out of sight for whatever reason is a bad idea.

Has anyone been nasty about this?? Has anyone suggested 'shoving' a newborn anywhere?? This is exactly this kind of post I'm talking about

@MRex very fucking weird things for a mum of a 4 WEEK old baby to say.

In your opinion. Feel free to express it,, but why express it in such an aggressive way? Considering your last post to me was all about how PPs WERENT being agressive?

She's talking about putting a baby in a room within the same house, in a warm cot, with a baby monitor. She's not suggesting the baby goes to live with a pack of wolves ffs

The baby is programmed for wolves. They can’t differentiate.

Also, plenty of the sleep advice websites/books/articles (trust me, I've read plenty throughout this sleep regression) say NOT to cuddle a baby to sleep. So it's not that weird a concept.

Following your instincts doesn’t make the authors of those books and sleep programmes money. ;)

Maybe emotive language I will concede. But if you read the thread there are parents gleefully sharing that their babies were in their own room from day one and into a routine and how amazing it is!

Not giving their child’s needs a second thought. Are there any other mammals that give birth and then leave their young so they can have their evenings back?!

Gosh, poutysprout, you didn't like it when I pointed out that you took a dangerous risk with your own baby, did you? It's not very nice being told that you're irresponsible and uncaring when you're trying to do your best, is it? But that's exactly how you wanted OP to feel - you don't want to beat yourself up (and with the 'my baby is ok' - so rightly derided as meaningless in this thread!), but you want the OP - the mother of a four week old - to feel bad and guilty.

I actually think your reasons for ignoring the single most important and effective SIDS recommendation are understandable, though I would have tried very hard to find another way (sleeping in shifts, probably) before doing what you did. The idea of you sleeping with a tiny baby in such a vulnerable position makes my own instincts go haywire BUT I can accept that you have different ones and made your own loving choices as a loving mother. You've shown again and again that you are completely incapable of extending the same sympathy to anyone else.

After a few weeks of virtually no sleep I followed the Gina Ford school of routine ( dons hard hat!!) So bedtime was 7 pm but I would wake her for a feed before I went to bed at 10.30ish. We were in a bungalow and the cot was in next door room but I was by the door and cot was by the door so literally about 6 feet away. All my 3 went into own room within first month.

I'm not saying you shouldn't cuddle them to sleep. All I'm saying is that it's not weird to consider not doing it.

The OP is being berated for following her instincts and not following guidelines. I'm now being berated for pointing out other guidelines and not following instincts. Jesus christ, you can't win on MN sometimes!

Exactly what I mean, nasty. What exactly are you so angry about? So someone doesn't want to have to cuddle their baby to sleep every time they go asleep? Really? Where is this world where we all sit holding babies 24 hrs a day and don't even own moses baskets I have 4 children, breastfed for too many years to remember. I am also a nurse. What's the problem with cuddling to sleep for a couple of years? It's a massive bloody problem! 13hr shifts, night duty? No I should just be expected to stay at home cuddling? Get fucking real. If thats what someone else wants to do, fine up to you, but why would you try and make anyone else feel bad or impose your views as the only and correct way? And there is nothing "fucking weird" about what she said. You may disagree with it but do you honestly think you are actually coming across as a nice, normal non judgmental person, honestly?

I would have tried very hard to find another way (sleeping in shifts, probably)

I would have done that had there been someone else around. There was only me and her, apart from 36 hours at the weekend. It was the only way either of us could get some sleep.

Have you ever coslept with a small baby yourself? You don’t sleep deeply and you maintain an awareness of baby. Once she could sleep flat I was curled around her in a c shape. There were no loose covers or pillows to cause her harm. It’s not at all hard to cosleep safely.

Literally the only people I know who cuddle their baby to sleep all the time have had the kind of babies who cry every time they are put down and have been that way from birth. Unless that is the kind of baby you have, it's totally normal to sometimes bf or feed a baby to sleep, sowmrimes cuddle them to sleep, sometimes lay them down sleepy and rub their little noses until they drift off, sometimes lay them down and have a chat and a hold of the little hand... all completely normal and clearly what the op meant by 'sometimes' cuddling to sleep. Sheesh.

@HollyGoLoudly1 - I was responding to another poster, who had decided to create her own version of what was actually said and accuse me of "making things up". So I had to directly quote. Can you really not admit that what the OP said there was very strange?!?

don't even own moses baskets

Where’s the law that says you must?

Whilst it is almost impossible to stop a tiny baby falling asleep during their last feed of the day, and it is a rather lovely way for them to finish their day, it is also a fairly well established fact that if this continues as part of the routine into toddler years, it can be very hard to get a child to sleep without a parent beside them and so begins a painful process of managing that when the child is older and more aware. It is not child abuse to teach a baby to settle themselves, it is a good thing and my first 2 were always happy to settle themselves. My third was a different story due to ill health but that is another important point, our children are all individuals and different things work for different children.