To be thinking of putting my 4 week old upstairs to bed?

[m4rdybum]

Asking here because I'd like a wider range
of views, other than the group of Mumsnet posters who only go by exact guidelines and have no room for manoeuvre. Also because I'm open to being called unreasonable if it means I'm more successful in raising my DD.

DD is 3 weeks old. DH goes back to work just after she turns 4 weeks.

We've started toying with the idea of getting her used to being upstairs for "bedtime" (starting when DH goes back to work), which at the minute would be around her 8/9pm bottle. I also totally get that a routine probably won't stick with her for a while - but we're quite lucky that she already has her own predictable feeding routine on the go (for now) - it's more for us at the minute.

Me and DH usually go to bed around 10pm. She currently sleeps in her Moses basket in the living room and gets taken upstairs with us.

I know of the recommendation for babies up to 6 months to sleep in the same room as parents day and night, to help reduce the risk of SIDS and want to stress that of course I'm hyper aware of this and don't want it to happen. DD sleeps next to our bed and will do so until 6 months.

But I'm curious as to who follows this to the rule when it comes to start thinking about a bedtime? There's a lot of kids in my family and most have started going up to bed between 1 & 2 months old.

We, of course, have a baby monitor and also would check on her regularly until we went up to bed. It would just be nice to not have to worry so much about being quiet with her in the room.

Has anyone else done this? Any recommendations? Warnings?

Get a grip- 4 weeks is far too young.

Assume it was directed at me. I can assure you I am very secure in my choices, I feel very safe following guidelines and my son is safe. I dont think it's odd to not understand why people would take an avoidable risk with their child.

@poster didihearthatright123456@
That's so sad, I'm so sorry.

@didihearthatright123456@
Try again.
That's so sad, I'm so sorry.

There is also another huge problem with insisting every guideline is followed or else you aren’t doing your best.

There are situations where guidelines can’t be followed. Some babies just will not sleep on their backs. My cousin persevered for about three weeks and her DD screamed. Eventually her HV said, if she only sleeps on her tummy then that’s what should be done. If it the choice between sleeping or not, then you do what you have to do.

Some mothers absolutely cannot breastfeed. Given the known benefits, not being able to do so when you really want to is bad enough without people harping on about “guidelines”

If you have other young children, baby sleeping downstairs til you go to bed is incredibly difficult to achieve when your toddlers are having a melt down.

It's funny how using your own judgement is frowned upon, apart from when talking about co-sleeping, when suddenly the guidelines are conveniently cast aside.

I did a lot of research on how to cosleep safely. DD had a very traumatic birth. She needed certain things to be able to sleep, and so I made sure I could provide that in the safest way possible.

Co-sleeping is safe if you do it safely. It’s falling asleep on sofas etc that’s the risky way of doing it. If you plan to cosleep and ensure you follow particular guidelines, it’s not unsafe.

We've always put our baby upstairs in our room with the monitor on before we go up. Intact she is there now and I can watch the monitor. I actually watch her more on the monitor then when she is in the room with me

I haven’t rtft as there was a similar thread a few months ago and it descended into absolute hysteria. Pretty much if you leave the room to make a cup of tea or go for a pee your baby will die.

We started an earlier bedtime at 3 1/2 months and it improved her sleep massively and was really good for us to get some time to ourselves in the evening.

I did from 8 weeks but both our bedrooms are downstairs and I could see straight into his room from my chair

Keep her with you and take her up. My dn was asleep in her moses basket upstairs aged 2 months whilst we were downstairs apart from my bil who was next to her and she just stopped breathing. She was bf, no smokers, pets etc just stopped breathing. As bil next to her he got her back and now active 10 year old.

I did a lot of research on how to cosleep safely. DD had a very traumatic birth. She needed certain things to be able to sleep, and so I made sure I could provide that in the safest way possible.

That might be, but you still did something that the Lullaby Trust - who are otherwise being treated as the absolute arbiters of truth in this thread - said never, ever to do. I don't judge you for what you did - you're her mother and made your best judgement call - but I could never have taken the risk you did.

what, do you mean you held her constantly 24 hours a day

This has got to be one of the reasons that so many babies 'won't be put down', they're not used to it! Sorry, I find it hilarious that some adult thinks that a baby must be held in some way 24 hours a day. It's more about what the super-mum wants for herself rather than what a baby needs. she then wonders why she can't cope and has issues!

but you still did something that the Lullaby Trust - who are otherwise being treated as the absolute arbiters of truth in this thread - said never, ever to do

By this I specifically mean night-time chest sleeping - not cosleeping in general, which the Lullaby Trust are more equivocal on, but still advise is not the safest option.

Nope not with DS1 or with 2 who's 13 weeks and being fed. The NICU nurses explained it to us that it's our out breath that reminds baby to breath in.

Guidelines are in place as a direct result of research, not to inconvenience you or your baby. The uk guideline of 6 months is a compromise as best practice actually states 12 months. But 6 months was seen as more achievable for people.

Being in the same room as you stops baby from going into a very deep sleep from which they don't wake.

SIDS peaks between 2-4 months.

Formula feeding increases the risk of SIDS babies who are fed formula typically sleep more deeply as their digestive systems work harder to process the food. This increases the risk of not waking mentioned above

Prematurity, around smokers, low birth weight are also risk factors.

She's a newborn. Cuddle your baby and don't regret not having enough sleepy cuddles and enjoying these early months.

It's your child, your informed choice to make.

Objectively speaking, anything you do with sleep will all go up the wall at the four month sleep regression anyway so enjoy her.

People do what they do, OP. You do what you think best. But don't put the opinions of a load of people on the Internet over properly researched and evidentially supported guidelines.

People can either tell you their experiences or their opinions, neither of which hold any weight statistically. Anyone who tells you to put a 4 week old baby alone in a room to sleep is being irresponsible. It's not necessarily irresponsible for you to do it if you think that's best - but don't do it because a load of randons on the Internet have given you permission.

DD slept in her carrycot downstairs with us then we took her up when we went to bed until she was about 4 months.
The transfer never woke her & the normal evening noise wasn't an issue either.
Moved her into her own room at 6 months, no problems at all.
I'd keep them with you as long as you can - SIDS is a concern, and 4 weeks is way too young for any routine.

I'd wait until baby gives you signs that she's being disturbed by being with you (light and noise) or by being transported in her Moses basket
.
At the very start, we let DD (and now 8-week-old DS) sleep in our arms, then we let her fall asleep with us and transferred to the pram in the library with the door ajar (or closed if we were preparing dinner). That lasted until about 12 weeks, when she slept through from around 9-10 pm until early morning. At that point, we put her to sleep in her cot in our room. Drowsy but awake and we used to stay until she was asleep (30-45 minutes).

Frankly, there's no need to put her upstairs from 4 weeks as such, but if you're likely to wake her up when you're going upstairs to go to bed yourself, I'd put her upstairs anyway. The SIDS guidelines are impractical and not suited to babies who are bothered by noise and hustle and bustle.

Just follow baby. She'll tell you what she prefers. At 6 weeks she'll become more aware of her environment, which might make it a good time to promote quietness at bedtime.

A lot of these posts about ‘it’s your breathing that reminds the baby to nreatbe’ ect are based on theory not fact. And in fact there is a study that suggests co sleeping increases the risk of SIDS 5 fold, the details of this study are easily found on the NHS website.

The fact of it is they don’t know what causes SIDS and in many many cases there are other factors involved, not just baby dying for no apparent reason. Smoking is a big factor, it literally poisons the baby. I have read that there are some doctors calling for SIDS to no longer be used as a cause of death as there is nearly always an underlining factor.

I follow the guildlines as much as is practical but use your common sense. Don’t overheat the baby, make sure they can breathe clearly, don’t smoke etc. The risk is minuscule.

That might be, but you still did something that the Lullaby Trust - who are otherwise being treated as the absolute arbiters of truth in this thread - said never, ever to do. I don't judge you for what you did - you're her mother and made your best judgement call - but I could never have taken the risk you did.

Show me guidance from the LT about babies grabbed so hard by forceps that their skulls were permanently dented and I’ll dig out my time machine and do it differently.

Any form of lying down caused my baby to cry in pain. I enabled what she needed by sleeping with her against my chest whilst I was held upright by about 20 pillows. I couldn’t move. She couldn’t slip down. She didn’t get too hot. There was nothing covering her face.

She’s now a perfectly healthy 8 year old who takes herself to bed happily. So I’ll not beat myself up too much. Okay? 🖕🏻

It generally all goes tits up around the 4 month mark when their sleeping patterns change, so I personally wouldn't be too strict at 4 weeks with trying to establish a routine.
Baby and toddler sleep, in my experience, really comes in peaks and troughs.

When DD was tiny we used to let her kip in her bouncer chair or the buggy bassinet in the hallway in the dark. Still near enough to us so I could check on her v quickly and easily, but still felt like she wasn't being disturbed. Could this be an option? Do you have another room downstairs she could go in which could be kept darker?

And the reason babies who sleep alone sleep better is because they are able to reach a deeper sleep, which is precisely what puts them at a higher risk of SIDS, because they don't have outside stimulus to rouse them if they do stop breathing (from my very basic understanding). Babies are supposed to wake a lot in the night, it's a biological safety feature.

Our daughter doesn't like to sleep with other people in the room, so we didn't follow some guidelines. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP do not ask for common sense advice on anything baby related on MN. These days you just get a lot of PA nonsense.

I hate these sort of threads. Poor OP just wants to do her best but most folk now have her thinking she is an awful mother for wanting a reasonably normal life after having a baby. Bloody martyrs

If you have a baby monitor, I don't see the problem with doing this? I didn't, but in hindsight I should have - she slept 12 hours a night from 4 weeks old and was waking her after 13 hours at 6 weeks old despite believing a sleeping baby should never be woken (she's 9 now and still too good of a sleeper 😂). It also gives you that bit of a break and some feeling of having a little break. Of course there are risks with young babies, but I can't see how these are mitigated by sleeping in the same room.