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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

how would you feel if a man did this?

233 replies

brizzledrizzle · 02/02/2019 08:27

Would you be offended or flattered if a man wolf whistled at you?

OP posts:
Pashal2 · 03/02/2019 18:09

Would it be better if you overheard after you passed by, "Gawd, what a fat ugly bitch, ooo-gaa!"? A whistle? I'd smile and thank God I survived such a near death experience ( insert eye roll).

macblank · 03/02/2019 18:10

Cough cough!

As a man in the room, I'd like to say something... Calm down I haven't said it yet!

As a general practise, I do not 🐺 whistle. I didn't think it was still going in to be fair, I thought as a "thing" it had stopped... Except movies n TV.

Now, me and the fiancée, enjoy a wolf whistle.... But it's me to her as an affectionate thing, but mainly fun. It's only between us, and usually just me saying where I am!

Say we seperate in a supermarket and I spy her down an aisle, but she's looking for at a shelf, I'll wolf whistle to her, and she'll smile.

I do get "looks" from other women who PRESUME it's for them, but that's their business! lol

macblank · 03/02/2019 18:15

She's obvs made a rod for her own back, and her own fault.

I had a flatmate who I'd jokingly call... Woman, for her attention. Not for her to do anything, more as a joke between us... Oi woman, you want a cuppa? Sort of thing.

We did it, knowing others would be thinking... If he once fucking WOMANed me, I'd punch his lights out 🤪 lol

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 03/02/2019 18:18

40 fat and saggy, I’d probably say thank you Confused

GreatWesternValkyrie · 03/02/2019 18:18

Somewhat similar to BlooperReel, I’m not a dog! But I wouldn’t really react to it - not a deliberate non reaction or because I’m offended, I just don’t register a whistle for attention as anything to do with me!

macblank · 03/02/2019 18:20

Maybe it's an age thing?

No I'm not asking for your age, I wouldn't want some to struggle to count so high! Hahaha but seriously, it could be a generational thing in difference of opinion.

Maybe, some who don't care are more middle aged, while those who "miss it" are older generation, and those now offended by it are younget, go getter women who think more independently?

Just a thought?

Nancydrawn · 03/02/2019 18:21

I fucking hate it from strangers. It has never made me feel flattered but rather self-conscious and on guard. Same goes for any form of catcalling or leering. Fucking hate it.

My best friend does it to me and it makes me laugh. Context.

thecatsarecrazy · 03/02/2019 18:24

I would be offended because more than likely they would be taking the piss

Clairaloulou · 03/02/2019 18:25

I roll my eyes a bit at people who are outraged by this tbh. There are so many other things to worry about that actually matter. If you don’t like it, roll your eyes at them and walk on.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 03/02/2019 18:32

Claira it does matter. It makes young women uncomfortable when they're out in public. Every building site, white van, pub passed is potentially a harassment zone. I'm older now but I remember the feeling of dread when approaching places like that and the embarrassment when catcalled. And feeling like if I wanted to go out running I'd get comments and calls or go somewhere quieter and potentially more dangerous.

guessing · 03/02/2019 18:36

I'd be flattered

Doubletrouble99 · 03/02/2019 18:38

I was young and semi attractive it was very common to get wolf whittled at if you passed a load of workmen or a workmen's van drove past. I would tend to avoid certain streets if I knew there were workmen on them.

SparkiePolastri · 03/02/2019 18:41

Would it be better if you overheard after you passed by, "Gawd, what a fat ugly bitch, ooo-gaa!"?

Why can't it be neither?

Why can't they just go about their business, like women do?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 03/02/2019 18:43

I have always just given 'em a big old smile and flirted back. It's never bothered me.

MostlyBoastly · 03/02/2019 18:45

I would almost definitely have sex with him.

SparkiePolastri · 03/02/2019 18:47

Flirted back? What, with that....?

Whatever happened to standards?

how would you feel if a man did this?
MostlyBoastly · 03/02/2019 18:51

Claira Sometimes eye-rolling gets you called. Often, they turn and get aggressive. The issue here is the expectation that you’ll indulge them because actually, it’s quite intimidating. And they know it.

maeggee · 03/02/2019 18:53

Sure it’s a sign of appreciation, makes me smile at 47 , always had it still funny

NothingOnTellyAgain · 03/02/2019 18:53

Always hated it

Why can't I go about my business without random men interjecting themselves

It's about women and girls beign "public property" and I always read it as aggressive. It's not about teh woman at all it's about posturing in front of tehir mates etc

I see it on the spectrum of street hararssment and dislike all of it. Even the super low level stuff like when I was a schoolgirl and walked past a local building site they would stop what they were doing and all just silently stare I found it really intimidating.

So it's a no from me.

And it's not about offence it makes me angry.

However now I'm 45 it hardly ever happens and I feel so much more confident and comofortable walking around no longer permanently braced against beeping making me jump out of my skin or shouts of "show us your tits" and all the rest of it. It's lovely.

Most women either hate it or are ambivalent. Very few actively like it, and if they do it's a very small part of teh range of behaviours eg whistling fine shouting not etc

So on the whole women and girls as a group would be much happier if men cut out all of it.

maeggee · 03/02/2019 18:54

Hahahahaha I definitely feel hot

tashac89 · 03/02/2019 18:55

I ignore it. Neither offended or flattered but I have zero interest in men like that.

BrilliantDarling · 03/02/2019 18:56

The wolf whistle is never about the woman it’s directed at. It’s done to impress the other men they are with for status. It’s the equivalent of a dog cocking it’s leg. You aren’t even seen as human when they do it. Just an object to make them look better to other men.

I really don't think it goes as deep as that.

ChocolateWombat · 03/02/2019 18:58

I think Weasel had it spot-on on the first page of this thread.

She pointed out that men don't wold whistle for the woman, but for the other men they are with. It's not really about affirming or appreciating the woman, but showing off and gaining status for themselves in front of their mates, like cocking their legs in front of other dogs.

I think this is absolutely true and few men wolf whistle or do these things when alone. It is about saying something about themselves to their mates or about their ability to have control over women.

Regarding different ages reacting differently, I think in the past when society was more openly sexist, women learned to accept it and even like it and that was part of the sexist misogynistic culture - expecting that kind of behaviour, even if it wasn't welcomed, expecting or accepting that somehow a man in a group of mates could shout a sexist or sexual or personal remark in a public place, that they had zero control of. And some would have said it was flattering because society told these women that such comments were normal or to be encouraged. Those who did t like it were labelled prudes or bores or ugly - so by not going along with the culture, you were somehow the bad or boring or ugly one. And women themselves reinforced that.

When older women say they would now be flattered and haven't had anyone whistle for years, if it really happened, they'd probably feel awkward or it was intended to be offensive. What inthinknoldernwomen mean when they say this, is that they miss feeling like a sexual being and can feel invisible. They appreciate it if they are noticed or seen as a woman, but that doesn't mean a stranger with a group of mates shouting in a public place in a way out of their control, but in a situation where a loved one or someone they meet and are interested in shows appreciation of them in that way.

People often say the best response is to laugh. In practical terms, in terms of moving on quickly, it sadly often is the easiest and quickest response. Because what laughing or playing along does it to affirm what the man has just done and say it is 'okay'. It is colluding in what has just happened. Being angry or silent or whatever instead shows dislike and challenges the behaviour to one degree or another and that in itself probably provokes a response from the men or even women - comments about them being miserable or prudish or about personal appearance in a negative way - so the unwanted encounter is extended and made even more awkward. And the encounter is nest ended, because the man is with his mates and any challenge or loss of status needs to be fought back against. SPeaking up is probably what's needed but I can see why women want to just move on quickly.

What's a good response? It's difficult, but I've sometimes just said 'would you be thrilled to know your 14 year old daughter had been made to feel awkward like I just have by someone making comments like yours?' And I've often smiled and just carried on.

NothingOnTellyAgain · 03/02/2019 19:01

I have told DD if any men say anythign rude to her or say things from cars or anythign like that then it's about them not about her (they do it to all sorts of people) and to ignore.

I said it was unlikely to happen but if it does then just ignore.

She's 11 just sarted walking to school by herslef.

It makes me so angry that I need to forewarn / forearm about this stuff. Hopefully it won't happen.

MelanieCheeks · 03/02/2019 19:03

I hate it. There is no way to respond ( even if you wanted to engage with someone who would do that) as equals.