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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
Dandelio · 02/02/2019 08:30

I think the dc's school have got a good balance as they only get a detention if they've been late or forgotten kit/ a book/ to get planner signed twice, so if they slip up they can then make sure they don't make the same mistake again. On the other hand if they are sent out of a lesson after a warning they have to stay til.5 the first time, day isolation the second time, short exclusion the third time, so they aren't lax about disruption which i agree with.

jalpie · 02/02/2019 08:32

OP if you think the punishment is unjust, stand up for your kids and tell the school they won't be doing the detention. It really should be as simple as that!

bellabasset · 02/02/2019 08:44

It's your fault in the sense that your DC have relied on you to set the alarm. I get that you have it in the hallway so its not switched off.

But the kids need to check it's set, perhaps they could set a reminder on their phones for earlier in the evening. While you might mention to the school that you have normally set the alarm but forgot I think you have to accept they were late for school.

Apologise, give them a treat and move on.

MaisyPops · 02/02/2019 09:05

maisypops- No system should be followed with blind obedience or without question - that isn't just some trite belief to trot out when things don't go your way as you seem to suggest but an absolutely fundamental lesson every child should learn. Systems - education, health or justice to name a few - are infallible and instilling a belief in your children that they should be followed unquestionably does not serve them or the community well.

How do you get that from me saying:
Most teachers (me included) are in favour of reasonably challenging rules when needed, asking questions, speaking to school of staff have made a mistake etc. It's not about being beyond reproach. There are many times I've backed parents and students to senior staff when school have been wrong.
Confused

The people who trot out 'blind obedience... school can't... I dont give consent for a detention... etc' are very rarely challenging actual issues. More often than not they are frothing because their darling child has been expected to follow a simple rule but they think getting fuming is somehow winning some silly battle with 'the man'. It's ridiculous and makes a mockery of parents who have very real issues to raise with schools.
Parent A - fighting to get their child's access requirements due to SEND because a teacher is failing in their duty.
Parent B - school have systematically failed to deal with bullying and is rightly seeking a way to hold school to account
Parent C- eeh I'm fuming because I bought our lad some trainers when it said school shoes and they pulled him up for it
Parent D - I didn't set the alarms. Sure they were running late having slept in but I wanted a quiet morning. How dare school sanction them for being late.

Holding the school to account is different to 'I don't like my child having to follow simple rules'.

So to make it abundantly clear:

  1. There are times where it is totally appropriate to ask questions, challenge rules are in the appropriate way. Schools included.
  2. Choosing to remove your children's phones, not set an alarm for them, then prioritise a quiet morning out of getting them to school on time and whining about a sanction for being late is not one of those times.
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 02/02/2019 09:10

So a good punishment to fit the 'crime' would have been you giving up your lie-in to drive them to the bus stop? Stop blaming the school for dishing out 'unfair' consequences, within the school community if you're late you get a detention. There isn't a get-out because mum forgot to set the alarm, mum was late getting breakfast, mum forgot the packed lunches, mum didn't iron their uniform etc.

fuzzyduck1 · 02/02/2019 09:11

You can say no
Then your kids will learn that it rules don’t apply to them.
So next time they break a law they won’t think anything about it.
This sort of action just leads to Shop lifting, knife crime, drugs, where will it end?
If they kill someone it will be on YOUR head

PurpleCrowbar · 02/02/2019 09:24

The thing is jalpie, 'you can say no' only works in that the dc concerned will be moved on to the next sanction level.

So probably isolation from class.

If you tried that at my school, you'd be told that if you weren't happy with the school sanction policy then the school is perhaps not a good fit for your family.

If you wish your dc to attend the school, then the policy applies to them.

CarolDanvers · 02/02/2019 09:24

You can say no
Then your kids will learn that it rules don’t apply to them.
So next time they break a law they won’t think anything about it.
This sort of action just leads to Shop lifting, knife crime, drugs, where will it end?
If they kill someone it will be on YOUR head

In ten years on MN, this is the most ridiculous and hyperbolic thing I have read. Well done 🥇

GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 09:25

"OP if you think the punishment is unjust, stand up for your kids and tell the school they won't be doing the detention. It really should be as simple as that!"

Of course it's as simple as that. Parents at our school support their children to bend rules all the time. Staff time is wasted handling the complaint instead of doing more important things. Kids brag about mum sorting it out. Other kids think they can get away with it too. Standards slip. School can't crack down because parents like you question every little thing. Then parents like you complain that standards are slipping and their own child's learning is suffering.

Dandelio · 02/02/2019 09:33

I thought fuzzyduck1 was joking. Op your children will become murderers now! Grin

Surprisedmom · 02/02/2019 09:44

As a teacher the comments about ‘a lunchtime detention would be sufficient’ really annoy me. If this isn’t already set up as a school policy you’re asking seriously overworked teachers to give up the only 45minutes (if that) they have free during the day. Late policies may seem overly punitive but children being late to school causes huge issues for their education (if it’s consistent) and also disrupts the lessons they arrive late to. Parents are prone to making excuses and taking the blame for their children, but ultimately schools have to clamp down on lateness and be fair to all students by keeping the policy consistent. FWIW the best school policy I came across removed breaktime the day students were late, but I honestly just don’t think most schools have the staff to cover this (or the time to go chasing after students who don’t attend). Most schools therefore have an after school detention policy which is based on either the number of lates or a certain threshold of minutes late. Unfortunately, putting parents noses out of joint by meaning they have to collect their kids after an after school detention is often the only way to teach parents and children the importance of being on time.

noblegiraffe · 02/02/2019 09:50

Yes, replace ‘lunchtime detention’ with ‘I expect the teacher to work unpaid through their lunch break’.

babyno5 · 02/02/2019 09:57

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles no secret just didn't want to bore with the full story-girl called his haircut "gay". Son took no offence but later in same lesson the same girl was asked by teacher to go get something from another room and she asked if her friend could help her. Son said to his friend next to him "those 2 can't go anywhere without each other". Teacher reported HIM for homophobic language. Those were my sons exact words as reported by teacher!

Original poster
Florasnotin · 02/02/2019 10:10

God I needed a laugh this morning. Loling at them becoming murderers because I couldn't be arsed to drive them to school and don't think they should do a detention.

Anyhoo, they came home from school and don't seem particularly bothered about the detention so they are going.

It isn't just one hour, they get out of school at 4.15, there is one 'late bus' which goes around all the villages before it gets to ours so they wont be home until about 5.30. I'll be home from work by then so I can get them from the bus stop instead of them having to walk a mile down a dark one track road home. Added bonus they won't be able to stop and murder anyone on the way home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Florasnotin · 02/02/2019 10:12

The school doesn't do lunchtime detentions. SLT detention after school writing lines believe it or not.

'I will not be late because of my mum'
'I will not be late because of my mum'
'life is unfair and I will suck it up'
'remember not to murder anyone'

OP posts:
GrammarTeacher · 02/02/2019 10:13

Several of our contract buses don't pick up until 4 (4:15 if late) anyway. 5:30 home isn't ridiculous for secondary quite frankly. This is a surprising amount of angst that could have been avoided if you drove them to the bus stop.

MaisyPops · 02/02/2019 10:14

I thought fuzzy was being silly with their comment.

Of course they're not massively bothered about the detention. They know they were late and know the consequences of being late. There's no point them being annoyed at school over it. It's another situation where the students are more grounded and sensible than parents.

GrammarTeacher · 02/02/2019 10:14

It's good when SLT do after school detentions. You get consistency across the school then.

babyno5 · 02/02/2019 10:17

@Florasnotin I choked on my tea at the thought of them writing "I must not murder anyone" 😂😂

PurpleCrowbar · 02/02/2019 10:32

Well, that's a rubbish detention, although scope for quiet subversion if they get some choice in the lines they write Grin. They could at least be set an essay on how lateness leads to turning into Hannibal Lecter.

At my place, the list is published, any teacher who wants to bag a kid to catch up missed work etc says so on the Google sheet, & the rest get set tedious but quite useful jobs like tidying book cupboards.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 02/02/2019 10:56

"remember not to murder anyone'"

I like you flora Grin

CarolDanvers · 02/02/2019 10:58

Oh thank goodness! sorry if you were joking fuzzy. I was worried there for a minute Grin

Dandelio · 02/02/2019 11:03

That's good they are doing the detention. We can sleep easy in our beds now that there will be two less potential murderers on our streets.

BlueTrees123 · 02/02/2019 11:24

I'm sorry but my DC would not be writing lines because of my mistake. I'd be phoning the school on Monday and telling the head they're not going.

GrammarTeacher · 02/02/2019 11:33

Blue. They're secondary kids. They should be getting themselves up.
Also if OP didn't want them in trouble for their mistake she could have driven them to the bus stop. She chose to make them late.
They're not 5. Many, many secondary students wake themselves up and get themselves to school. On time. Every day.
For a first offence I think it's a little harsh and it isn't what my school would do. However, that's the rule here and they knew it was the rule.