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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention - AIBU to say no

432 replies

Florasnotin · 01/02/2019 13:02

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

OP posts:
AGHHHH · 02/02/2019 00:11

I don't believe in punishing innocent people. I wouldn't let them do the detention, no. It wasn't their fault.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/02/2019 00:18

You have a copy of school policy. You know lateness =detention you chose to allow them to be late by not driving them to school. You cannot blame the school and moan about detention. You are the one to blame it is entirely your fault. Instead of banging on that school isnt being fair you should be apologetic and when your children have done their detention you should then take them for a pizza or something to show them.you are sorry.

Greensleeves · 02/02/2019 00:24

I will challenge things if I think they are wrong, but I would let this one go. I think this was your fault really (I don't think you're a rotten parent, nor did you deserve any of the vile comments you've received on this thread, I just think this particular snafu was your fault) so I would let them do the detention but make it up to them (pizza is a good suggestion).

My ds2 received a short in-school detention today for something he didn't do. He was a bit glum about it and we had a chat, I elicited the facts and commiserated with him. I asked him whether he felt it was a big enough injustice to merit my writing an email, and he laughed, rolled his eyes and said no thanks, it's done with. If he'd been really upset about it I would have sent a mild query to his tutor (not an angry rant, I save those for really dire situations).

Greensleeves · 02/02/2019 00:30

I should also add that he has had detentions etc that were richly deserved and I certainly wasn't commiserating with him then! When he's done something wrong I back the school. And if I do contact the school to query a situation and in the course of that correspondence I find out that the little toad has been spinning me a line and is entirely at fault, he gets a bollocking from me as well as the consequence from school. So I am only THAT parent when something really isn't reasonable.

PickAChew · 02/02/2019 00:32

Get them to own it and between you rely on N alarm other than their phone.

Caught the public bus to ds2's school for 3 months and was late twice. Both out of my control. The detention would teach your (hopefully neutotypicsl) kids to make sure they behave and don't get delayed.

GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 00:53

OP, you must realise that every child who is late to school has a reason for why it wasn't their fault?

Not my fault my mum forgot to set the alarm, not my fault there was loads of traffic, not my fault my dad couldn't find a parking space. Many times, parents back them up and sometimes you know they're lying.

The school are just trying to send the message, consistently, to every student, that lateness has consequences regardless of reason. Failure to do that would result in a school where dc dribbled in anytime up 9:30 with a plausible excuse.

I teach and do strongly feel that your kids will be better for realising that there are consequences, that they need to take responsibility for themselves, that school rules do not bend for those parents who shout loudest.

It is a bit unfair, if it was your fault, and I guess you owe them an apology but fighting this battle on their behalf will diminish the school a little, teach them little of value, teach them dependence rather than resilience.

Let them do the detention, they'll never forget to set their alarm again.

Palaver1 · 02/02/2019 00:53

To all those saying she should say no
And if they insist what is she going to do ?
Withdraw them .why is it the schools fault that the children were late who gives a toss.
It’s the families responsibility not the schools.
OP do what you want can’t believe this total nonsense.GO onto Gransnet and see the disaster that happens in the future when you start looking for ways to excuse yourself so what you made a mistake ..you didn’t take them in they were late.
So you now decide to shift yourself out of the blame and put it squarely at the schools door.
What a bloody disaster..

pasanda · 02/02/2019 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Palaver1 · 02/02/2019 01:06

PasandaI think Bluetrees got carried away
She couldn’t have meant it.

SaturdayNext · 02/02/2019 01:14

Why do you even think that just because there is an excuse for why they are late it should therefore negate the rules in any way?

Because a system that punishes people for something that isn't their fault is a totally irrational one?

CatsPawsAndWhiskers · 02/02/2019 01:14

I'd speak to the school and explain. Our school is really sensible about things like this though. My child was late once because something happened in the morning that we couldn't have planned for. I rang the school whilst in the car on the way about 30 minutes late. They were fine and said that they only want to punish the kids that are late because they are still in the shop around the corner or the park across the road messing about after the bell has gone, not children who are late because something genuine has happened. I had to write a note but that was it, no detention.

curiousierandcouriser · 02/02/2019 05:57

Just adding my voice to those who say the kids should do the detention.

Personally, I think the kids should have a way to set their own alarms and, if they turn them off, then its their problem if they're late. If you really felt so strongly that it was your fault, then you should have driven them or made sure they got on the bus.

How old are the kids anyway?

RhiWrites · 02/02/2019 06:54

A detention isn’t a awful punishment though, is it?

OP, I’d let the detention go ahead but apologise to the kids for forgetting the alarm and give them a treat for dinner to make up for it.

jalpie · 02/02/2019 07:19

You're the parent, you decide what you think is right - if you think the detention is unreasonable, then you absolutely have the right to tell the school you don't want your children subjected to it. The bullshit belief that prevails in the UK that schools (and their rules) are beyond reproach and should be followed without question is ridiculous.

Etotheipiplus1equals0 · 02/02/2019 07:24

If it was your fault, why didn’t you drive them to school to avoid them being late?

MaisyPops · 02/02/2019 07:29

The bullshit belief that prevails in the UK that schools (and their rules) are beyond reproach and should be followed without question is ridiculous
Most teachers (me included) are in favour of reasonably challenging rules when needed, asking questions, speaking to school of staff have made a mistake etc. It's not about being beyond reproach. There are many times I've backed parents and students to senior staff when school have been wrong.

The bullshit lies in people knowingly breaking rules and then complaining about how the sanction shouldn't apply to them/their children. It then develops when people who do that trot out the same old lines about 'schools shouldn't be followed without question / the school can't... / ... blind obedience...' It's an entire attitude of 'my children only have to follow rules I like and do sanctions I agree with' or 'but my child is different and special so it's fine for A to be sanctioned but not my DC'

Don't want children getting a detention for being late = get your kids alarm clocks and if something happen a that's down to you then get over your desire for a quiet morning and drive them to school on time.

eggofmantumbi · 02/02/2019 07:35

Totally agree with you @maisypops. You've hit the nail on the head!

ninjawarriorsocks · 02/02/2019 07:54

Hear hear Maisypops.

GrammarTeacher · 02/02/2019 08:00

Yup. Maisy pops has again said what I would have, but more eloquently than I was planning to.
Sorry for syntax. It's early.

shirleyschmidt · 02/02/2019 08:04

It was your fault they were late and the power was in your hands at that point to prevent a detention. If you weren't going to be prepared to accept the punishment, you should have driven them the 5 mins to the bus stop.

jalpie · 02/02/2019 08:09

@maisypops - No system should be followed with blind obedience or without question - that isn't just some trite belief to trot out when things don't go your way as you seem to suggest but an absolutely fundamental lesson every child should learn. Systems - education, health or justice to name a few - are infallible and instilling a belief in your children that they should be followed unquestionably does not serve them or the community well.

GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 08:10

"The bullshit belief that prevails in the UK that schools (and their rules) are beyond reproach and should be followed without question is ridiculous."

"Because a system that punishes people for something that isn't their fault is a totally irrational one?"

If schools said 'don't worry about being late, if you've got a genuine no-fault reason we'll be fine about it' how many teenagers do you think would regularly stroll in late with a made-up excuse?

GloomyMonday · 02/02/2019 08:12

"No system should be followed with blind obedience or without question - that isn't just some trite belief to trot out when things don't go your way as you seem to suggest but an absolutely fundamental lesson every child should learn."

We're not talking about soldiers being ordered to shoot civilians. We're talking about schools trying to get kids into school on time so that they can learn stuff.

steppemum · 02/02/2019 08:18

yes I would challenge, because they are being punished for your mistake.
But if school won't budge, then they should do it.

BUT - why didn't you drive them if that was a possibility? It was your mistake they were late, so in fairness, you should have stuck them in the car and go them to school on time.

I am firmly in the camp of make them learn form their mistakes, but this wasn't theirs was it?

And while I agree that maybe they should get their own alarm clocks etc, the CURRENT system, which they have all been using is that mum wakes them up. Not unreasonable of kids to expect that system to work.

GrammarTeacher · 02/02/2019 08:29

I wouldn't challenge it. Most secondary school children get themselves up. As they should at that age. They have to take responsibility.
I had a parent complain about a detention I issued for repeatedly failing to get his planner signed. She maintained it was her fault. The school position was no, it was his responsibility to get it signed each week. And yes, he had been given reminders.
I still don't understand why the OP didn't take them in or drive them to the bus stop. I am currently looking forward to some relaxing days in half term. I will still drive my preschoolers to nursery on those days. I will then have a lovely calm day.