After school detention - AIBU to say no

[Florasnotin]

DD and DS missed the school bus this morning. Completely my fault, I took their phones from them last night and forgot to set the alarm. They caught the public bus and were 15 mins late.

They've both been given an after school detention on Monday.

AIBU to say no. Punishment doesn't really fit the crime and it wasn't even their fault. I've always stood by the school when it comes to discipline but this seems overly harsh

@BlueTrees123 - your last comment is satire... right? People don't honestly think like this do they?

@Thisisdoingmyheadin

Nothing satirical about it- the main responsibility of a parent is to look after and care for their DC. This is the opposite of that love and attention- prioritising your own selfish desires. I'd hit the roof if DH pulled a stunt like this, and I'd expect him to do likewise.

It'a abusive parenting and it need to be called out.

abusive parenting

Don’t be so fucking ridiculous.

That's quite bonkers BlueTrees123.

Secondary students are responsible for getting themselves to school.

If a parent chooses to make it their responsibility to do the 'alarm reveille', that's their way of doing things (I go round all my dc's bedrooms as soon as I get up to ensure they've heard their alarms & are up), but ultimately, it's on the kids to get up, dressed & be ready.

In lots of households with secondary age students, both parents would already be en route to work by the time the kids need to leave to walk or catch a bus to school.

On this occasion a minor one-off cock up - no alarm set by the household - has led to a minor sanction - detention.

The dc should now be saying 'Oi mum, we need our own alarm clocks!' so it doesn't happen again.

Sorted. No one was abused!

Little bit hysterical. Sounds to me like the op thought the children had a chance of making the bus and not being late.

When they missed the bus she probably assumed that since it had never happened before they’d get a warning, not a detention.

Abusive parenting. Wow.

Bonkers

Forgetting to set the alarm = abusive parenting?

[stores up this thread for the next thread entitled "what's the maddest thing you've never seen on MN"]

It's not abusive but personally I would have taken them in the car regardless of the reason they got up late.

Bloody hell, I must be a terribly abusive parent if not setting an alarm for my children is all it takes as I've never done that for them.

What utterly hysterical bullshit.

MigGril you should be ashamed of your outlook on a child of 11/12. They are still children and should be treated as such, that being you helping to prepare them for school and ensuring they are there safely. This type of parenting baffles me. If you do not want to guide your child through their childhood then why did you become a parent?
May I point out that my parents never allowed us to do detentions unless we seriously deserved it (not very often at all). Their children turned out to be amazing; I say myself an actual teacher. They supported us and we were encouraged to grow up when we left school and could legally do things adults do. Something I will do with my own children.
OP you are right to refuse them to do the detention, it was your mistake not theirs to be punished for.

Some of you women are freakin batshit. Get a grip!

Abusive?
Bad parenting?

I bet your kids just loooovve being at home with you guys.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that people are seriously associating OPs situation with 'abuse'.. effin nutters. My kids have been late many times because, well, life! And I'm not too keen on this strange need some ppl have to out do each other's stress levels. Calm the f down!

In saying that, I think I'm gonna kick MN to the curb again, too much nasty, ridiculous crap to read and my stress levels are rising. To all you kick ass Mums our there who are sometimes late, you rock! And you're sure as shit not abusive. Don't listen to the psychos!!

bye

One person said abusive. And most people have commented saying that's ridiculous. However, the children should do the detention. They are expected to be there on time. They weren't.
The vast majority of our year 7s make their way to school by public transport, contract buses or on foot. Most will get themselves out of the house. They really shouldn't be relying on their mum to get them up and out anymore.

SorryWhat - I get there are a range of views on whether the detention was fair.

But I wish people wouldn't keep wittering that they'd 'refuse the detention'. You can't, unless your plan is that the dc just don't return to school ever.

School aren't asking your permission; they are telling you that that is what will happen. If your child doesn't attend detention then it'll just escalate to the next punishment, whether that be a longer detention with a more senior member of staff, isolation, or a fixed term exclusion.

Given that there are 315 messages debating whether this perfectly straightforward detention for lateness should occur in line with the school punctuality policy, you can see how it might be a bit time consuming if every single lateness excuse required this level of scrutiny & debate before the kid actually attended a detention!

& also quite a bit more unfair if child A's parent gets to phone up & say 'lol nope, my child isn't doing it' whereas child B's parent says 'oh how annoying, dc! But you'll have to suck it up.'

Which is why if the school leadership know what they are doing, they categorically won't take any nonsense about whether the sanctions apply in every individual case where a minor household cock up led to lateness/lack of kit/no homework etc etc.

Most of us would be bloody glad of a school that consistently imposes coherent, well understood & fairly applied sanctions when it comes to dealing with students who disrupt our own dc's learning.

A bit of accepting that in the real world, for school sanctions to rain on the unjust, sometimes they also 'sprinkleth lightly on the not really all that unjust' is the only way to establish that, unless you're proposing that each school has at least one member of staff whose full time role is to triage level of parental disgruntlement & respond to it.

My own school has adopted a 'no excuses' detention policy on lateness. In September, when it was introduced, there were probably a couple of kids in most classes affected every day.

Now, in February, we get an email if any student is late. It's usually 2-3 a week.

Admittedly our detention for a second offence lateness takes place at 7am so kids tend to get the message after the first, after school one...

The school the pp mentioned where her parents were able to just phone and say their child wasn't doing the detention sounds a bit rubbish. It sounds like the teachers had given up. I bet the behaviour and progress wasn't great!

@PurpleCrowbar

That school sounds like an oppressive, unpleasant and bordering on evil environment with so many strict rules. I also highly doubt that 7am detentions are legal. What a horrible place for any child to have to go to school. I'd be questioning the staff's morals as well being happy to work in a place like that.

Yeah, but given you think poor OP is abusive for letting her kids risk detention for being late, I'm not sure your opinion is one I value.

Luckily, we have lovely supportive parents for the most part.

It's a fabulous place to work & my kids are very happy there too .

We're a private international school not in the U.K., & our day starts at 8, incidentally - I'm not suggesting 7am detention would work in the U.K. although 8am might...but questions of legality don't apply.

If parents don't like the policies they are free to look elsewhere. There's a considerable waiting list for places.

Which is one answer to the 'parents are customers!' argument, of course. Ours genuinely are, & if we aren't a good fit for them then that's fine.

U.K. state schools have a much harder time tackling punctuality.

@PurpleCrowbar

I'd be taking legal action through courts if necessary if the school my DC attended started 7am detentions. I'd also make it very clear and plain to the school that my DC would not be attending any detentions I didn't wish them to(incidentally, they've never had detention). I simply will not accept some jumped up teacher thinking they can falsely imprison my DC for being 2 minutes late or having the wrong colour socks.

You have to really put your foot down with schools and teachers in my experience and show them who's really in charge(and who, coincidentally, pays their wages).

You might want to Google the law on after school detentions first, though. It might save you a few quid.

Again, it's not 'jumped up' teachers who set detentions. It's a centralised system - the kid is recorded late on the register, an automated email goes out to parents, a list goes to the person organising the detention.

Non-attenders & second offenders: similar process, detention escalated to the morning one.

Parents who want to kick off about it: don't send your child in until we've arranged a meeting with you to resolve things.

Vast majority of parents: very happy customers who appreciate our high expectations & outstanding results.

Some parents: may choose to educate their dc elsewhere, which is absolutely fine.

It's not false imprisonment. If you think it is take it up with the government. Schools do not ask for permission to detain children. We inform parents that is what is happening. I have very very rarely had to issue an after school detention. The only time I've been called about one was to ask if it was possible to rearrange. As has been discussed several times on the thread, polite discussion from both sides is what's required. Telling a school your child will not be attending will result in an escalation.

Telling a school your child will not be attending will result in an escalation.

The only escalation it would result in in my house is a phone call to my lawyers.

& the other thing I think you're a bit confused about is who pays teachers' wages.

Here, overseas, it's a private business that relies on its results to generate return business. In the U.K. - & I really don't agree with this & campaigned hard against it - it's usually an academy trust - again, a business that has to show results.

So if you want to go with that model, you're the equivalent of that PITA customer who gives terrible feedback & is never happy with the service, & as such, the 'business' may decide not to treat with you at all, & require you to take your custom elsewhere for everyone's sake.

You would have no grounds to go to court! It isn't a crime. We are not asking for your permission. Strictly speaking we don't even need to give notice for an after school detention. Most schools do though.