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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh is a hypercondriact

128 replies

hesalwaysill · 31/01/2019 07:48

Regular user. Changed username

And I don't think I can cope anymore.

He's mid 30's. He does have arthritis all over his body which is pretty shit for his age. He's on strong medication for that but it makes him sick.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work. At home it's the opposite but I know he's tired. Though we have 3dcs and 1 is 5 months old. I'm tired too.

Anyway over the last week he's complained about everything.

Thinks he has a stomach ulcer.
Thinks he has ibs
Thinks he has kidney stones
Thinks he has a kidney infection
Has really really really really really bad heartburn
Thinks he's pulled a muscle in his back
Has hurt the back of his leg and can barely walk
Thinks he's getting a stomach bug
Has shooting pains in his chest

That's probably not all of it. His arthritis does play a big part of his health but he also....doesn't have any of the following things and it's just in his head.

I need to say something to him now I feel as this past week has been awful. I've stopped speaking to him when he's complaining as I've ran out of things to say.

It's mentally draining

OP posts:
FloofenHoofen · 31/01/2019 07:51

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this and I'm sorry he's in so much pain as well, it does sound awful, for both of you.

It's very easy when diagnosed with one thing for it to turn into health anxiety and quickly think everything is wrong.
As for compassion, I know you've ran out of things to say, you don't need to say anything, just understand that he's in pain.

Let him figure it out on his own about what he should do next, it's really not for you to tell him anyway, he's a grown adult.
I can't really tell you whether he will do this for time to come or whether he will get better as his pain gets better, but if it is anxiety, then it probably won't get better untill he either self helps himself or goes to the GP.

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 07:55

i think you need to school yourself on his type of arthritis and the meds he takes and their side effects. as someone with an auto immune disease this is my worst fear thinking that someone i love thinks im a hypocondriac.

Original poster
hesalwaysill · 31/01/2019 07:56

@FloofenHoofen thank you for that. I've tried to say it could be anxiety but he says it isn't.

The arthritis side of it is really hard. It takes over our marriage to be honest.

It's just like I have to be ok all the time even though I'm exhausted. Because even holding the baby hurts him so he can't/won't do anything. I'm practically a single mum of 3 tbh

OP posts:
KarBB · 31/01/2019 07:57

Poor you (and him). This sounds like such a difficult situation. Does he accept that he has anxiety around his health? It does sound likely from what you've described. CBT is really helpful for dealing with those kind of worries (what if....?). Do you think he'd consider seeing a therapist? It could provide so much relief for both of you.,,

Original poster
hesalwaysill · 31/01/2019 07:57

@balls2DWall beloevve I'm well educated. I've been to every hospital appointment. I've spent hours researching different meds he can try. I've booked appointments for him and even spoken to professionals myself.

OP posts:
balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:02

whats beloevve?

well thats good then ... so are any of what you listed possible side effects?

MeetJoeTurquoise · 31/01/2019 08:04

Sorry but unless you've lived with what he's got and the meds he takes you have no right to judge. I do have what he has and I do take the meds he takes so I can judge. It's a lonely place in your head sometimes and all those things you've described as him being a hypochondriac about? Yeah I have them randomly appear too, sometimes I just feel quite unwellfor no reason.

Give him a break, he's working still which many of us can no longer do.

NotANotMan · 31/01/2019 08:06

He works a hard manual job with arthritis? I think a level of fear and misery about his health is to be expected tbh

InfiniteCurve · 31/01/2019 08:07

I live with someone with health anxiety and have been that way myself,and it is difficult,it is draining.
But from another angle your husband has a physical job,and it sounds as if he has hurt both his leg and his back.That's a real thing and likely. And he has really bad heartburn? Also real,or was that just the way you wrote it - and then a lot of digestive type concerns.Might his arthritis meds be screwing up his stomach?
And if he has severe arthritis he is ill,he isn't imagining it (hypochondria )
Which is still really difficult for you,but it's not the same thing.
Sorry,that sounds unsympathetic and I don't mean to be,but I'm sympathetic to him as well,and have a very good friend who is in his position though older.

Claudia1980 · 31/01/2019 08:11

Maybe he should retrain? Probably not the best idea to be a labourer when you have rheumatoid arthritis.

Etino · 31/01/2019 08:13

Poor him. Any chance of a change of job? I’m afraid for you OP, this definitely comes under ‘in sickness and in health’.
Maybe the way forward is reframing your thinking and sorting out practical things so your life is easier.
Flowers for you both.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 31/01/2019 08:13

As someone with Ra you seriously need to read up on the condition and give your dh some more compassion
Your dh is working yet you complain he is mentally draining how dare you. Arthritis takes it out of you physically, mentally and emotionally. Imagine how he must be feeling being in pain everyday yet still providing for your family. You should Be praising his efforts not resenting him for worrying about side effects of meds and his condition. Do you go to his appointments and do you know what the side effects are of his medications?

ChasedByBees · 31/01/2019 08:18

It doesn’t sound like he’s a hypochondriac. He could well be suffering all those pains if he does a manual job with arthritis and strong medication.

Is part of it that you always need to be the support and you have little in the way of support for looking after the children (which is knackering!) yourself?

PurpleWithRed · 31/01/2019 08:21

Yes he has RA and that is truly shit (BIL has had crippling RA all his life, and he’s a farmer, I do know it’s a terrible thing).

However, your DH also has a wife and three children, one a small baby. He has responsibilities that he has willingly taken on. I personally think there has to be a bit more middle ground between you.

Is there no way he can retrain for some more suitable work?

mynameiscalypso · 31/01/2019 08:21

I'm a similar age with arthritis- it doesn't sound like the meds are working for him or giving him any quality of life. I know it took me quite a few attempts to find something that did work for him. Also agree that it doesn't sound like he can physically do his job. When I've had flares, I've struggled to be able to go to the loo, let alone work.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 31/01/2019 08:22

I do have a lot of sympathy for him and you say yourself the strong medication makes him sick. Could you show him support in looking for another job or have a plan for what would happen if he got to a point where he could no longer work? Perhaps even swap roles or both work part time? I imagine he feels a huge responsibility as the sole wage earner.

On the other hand (and I say this as someone with a similar condition) it is stressful listening to a stream of negativity all the time. Conditions like this and chronic pain do sometimes make us self centred (I am guilty of this!) as the constant pain makes us concentrate on ourselves all the time, if that makes sense.

I think if you ask him to have a more positive attitude though he may feel you are minimising and you don't understand. I would approach it as above, along the lines of I know you're really suffering and it must be stressful, what can we do so you can feel better and more happy/positive?

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 31/01/2019 08:23

And actually take some action, as well as discussing it, I should have said. It sounds like he is at breaking point.

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:28

sounds like this meds are giving him severe stomach problems too. he needs to get that addressed. ulcers etc are most def a side effect. he is in a manual job. i had to give up a sedentary office job! he is providing for you all .. i know its tough living with someone who has these health issues but im sure it would absolutely break his heart if he knew you thought he was a hypochondriac.

Original poster
hesalwaysill · 31/01/2019 08:30

I have nothing but compassion for him! How dare all of you say otherwise!!!
Yes it is mentally draining for me. I have a 5 month old. A 7 year old and an severally autistic 9 year old. I have every fucking right to be mentally drained.

I know about the side effects. But it's not all down the his arthritis. Some of it yes but not all.

Before I met him he had an op on his spine. Drs warned him he could need another in a few years. He's recently had an mri scan on his back due to pain. He was convinced it was happening again. Mri showed nothing. It showed how it had actually got better if anything. Dr actually told him he couldn't have the pain as described and suggested meds for anxiety.

I know my husband. I know him better than he thinks I do. Arthritis is awful. I feel for anyone who has it, especially dh with his age. But some of it is in his head. His family tell him. His work mates tell him.

@balls2DWall So what, a spelling mistake??? It's clear what it says. Typing with a baby.

OP posts:
balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:33

hesalwaysill is actually isnt clear what you were typing! im still none the wiser. i know you are stressed its pretty evident. believe me mri isnt a sure fire way of showing what the problem is. perhaps cbt or a referral to someone to talk to is in order.

lifebegins50 · 31/01/2019 08:34

If he has auto immune then he could have more conditions as they tend to "hunt in packs".

From the outside the issue seems to be coping with 3 dc and a hardworking DH who has health issues rather than his "complaining". He may be completely right about his worries so I wouldn't dismiss them.

All you can do is figure out how you can get through the baby stage and hopefully it will get better

Original poster
hesalwaysill · 31/01/2019 08:34

He hasn't taken his meds for about 4/5 weeks now. Obviously it's still in his system though. Waiting for constant to prescribe something new. But he's tried everything over the years now and nothing really agrees with him. It's not RA he has. It's psoriatic

He also will not give up his job. It's all he knows. I've suggested it many of times but he won't do it. He loves his job too much which is fair enough.

OP posts:
balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:35

everyone tells him its in his head

your poor dp! do you tell him that also?

balls2DWall · 31/01/2019 08:36

oh its psoriatic? thats what i have. is he on biologics?

QueenieInFrance · 31/01/2019 08:37

I wouldn’t dismiss any of his complains tbh.
Heartburn is heartburn. Can you really he doesnt have it?
All the rest are aches and pains he is getting. Yes he is probably not making the right ‘association’ but I wouldn’t dismiss that he feels and the pains he has iyswim.

FWIW it sounds like the sort of pains people get when they are under stress. It certainly doesn’t mean they are not in pain.
But the stress and the frustration of the arthritis must be hard to dealmwith.
Esp if he is still working in a manual job!

So rather than dismiss his complains, I’d acknowledge them and work with him to find a easier job for him as well as ways to help him cope with the illness.
I wouod also ensure YOU have enough time for yourself too. Three children can be hard work. No doubt about it. It’s harder when your ubare also the emotional (amd physical?) support for your partner.

On the other side though, you choose to have a third child knowing about his health condition and what it entails. You can hardly resent him because he doesnot help as much or he is ill/in pain now.....

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