Dh is a hypercondriact

[hesalwaysill]

Regular user. Changed username

And I don't think I can cope anymore.

He's mid 30's. He does have arthritis all over his body which is pretty shit for his age. He's on strong medication for that but it makes him sick.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work. At home it's the opposite but I know he's tired. Though we have 3dcs and 1 is 5 months old. I'm tired too.

Anyway over the last week he's complained about everything.

Thinks he has a stomach ulcer.
Thinks he has ibs
Thinks he has kidney stones
Thinks he has a kidney infection
Has really really really really really bad heartburn
Thinks he's pulled a muscle in his back
Has hurt the back of his leg and can barely walk
Thinks he's getting a stomach bug
Has shooting pains in his chest

That's probably not all of it. His arthritis does play a big part of his health but he also....doesn't have any of the following things and it's just in his head.

I need to say something to him now I feel as this past week has been awful. I've stopped speaking to him when he's complaining as I've ran out of things to say.

It's mentally draining

@CrabbyPatty thank you for your post. Some really helpful information there and I do think you are bang on about having a genuine condition being manifested into other things.

To be fair I probably didn't word it well but I was well and truly fed up this morning. I didn't get to sleep until 1am. Baby had a massive poo explosion and 6am, ended up going everywhere and had no help from dh when when I asked for it. Then expected me to go make him a drink after sorting the bedding, bathing the baby, dressing her etc etc. Just well and truly got to me this morning

@vuripadexo wow that's helpful

My 8 year old is a bit “I’ve hurt my ankle”, “My head hurts”, “I fell over”, usually with a very dramatic limp that goes away as soon as no one is looking.

I’ve found the best formula is a very caring “oh dear - Poor darling - don’t worry - if it’s still bad later I’ll ring dancing ( / swimming / running / the other 76 sports she loves) and explain why you can’t go.”

At which point it seems to heal pretty fast indeed!

If he loves his job maybe a caring - “I think you had better have the day off work tomorrow” or maybe just say “Right - I’m going to call the doctors right now - this is terrible”.

Some posters are being incredibly insensitive. If there's chronic illness around, it's shit for EVERYONE. It removes capacity from the family unit and adds emotional and financial stress that everybody has to deal with.

My partner has arthritis and fibromyalgia and it's really difficult taking care of the kids, home, working AND supporting my OH with the inevitable anxiety and depression that comes with a life-changing condition. Just because he is affected most doesn't mean I have to erase all my feelings too.

My partner also has health anxiety - I think it just comes along with the territory of chronic pain. However, poor treatment of his arthritis has led to fibromyalgia which is a horrible condition that often comes along after chronic pain. Do whatever you can to get your partner onto a good treatment plan.

Well I hope your "family plan" doesn't involve something happening out of your control vuripadexo. That is one of the most bitchy and condescending posts I've read for ages!!

We won't be having anymore DC's. We always wanted 3.

DH arthritis was diagnosed when I was 7 weeks pregnant. I remember feeling thankful because during his appointment when he was getting medication, the doctor asked us if we were planning on anymore children. The medication he was on can have an affect on a baby if I were to fall pregnant whilst he was on it. Obviously I was already pregnant.

A year ago I had no idea my life would be life this now. However I of course do not regret my baby for a second. She had well and truly completed my family. And I love her dearly.

But don't worry @vuripadexo I was sterilised during my c section so I covered my own back. Thanks for your helpful input though.

OP just a thought you know you said how his family handle it? Why dont you ring them and have a chat and see if they can help you with ideas? Surely they must know how exhausted you are by all this? Maybe its time to call them in and ask them to help save your marriage?He might listen to them maybe? If you have tried everything else and you are still banging your head against a brick wall maybe its worth laying it on the line to him too and telling him how much he is risking if he doesnt get help? Stop letting him treat you like this..you deserve so much more respect than he is giving you.If he is unwilling then you have your answer...We get he is ill and struggling but he cannot check out of family life,,he is a husband and a father with an illness,Do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling like this cos left it will only get worse...its not your fault ,,its not his fault but its up to him to try to do something that will benefit himself and the rest of the family,

I'm sure you're aware Op but with PsA you are at a greater risk of depression anyway and anxiety. You can't force him to get help for it, he needs to want to. It's taken me the best part of a year to admit I needed to get help for my anxiety and depression.

Is he on Facebook? If so there's a good uk only support group for PsA so it might be worth him joining that to engage with others going through the same thing.

Your husband could be me.

I'm nearly 30, recently diagnosed with a progressive arthritic condition. I have what I would call 'mild' anxiety, or maybe high-functioning is a better way to put it.

It's a very strange experience, going from an energetic 20 something who bounces back from everything, never feels pain, never gets injured or ill, never feels this crushing fatigue, to feeling like a broken down machine, always in some form of pain, unable to do half the things you used to, sitting and wondering if this is your life from now on, destined to get worse.

And yes, it makes you hyper aware of your body. I have pulled muscles that suddenly become a huge deal. Aches and pains, bloating, fatigue, itches, suddenly my head goes 'oh great, what is going wrong now?' where my young mind would have instantly dismissed it. Ageing and developing a condition makes you very aware of the worst things that can happen.

I know most of it is in my head, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it.

@MeetJoeTurquoise what's the name of the group please? I will get him to join that thank you

@Halloumimuffin Yes I can see how you are very similar. Thank you for sharing that. I do try and see it from his way. I just need to know the right way to bring it up without it causing any upset to either of us

I'm not sure why you've had such a hard time here OP. To me, the back pain being the be all and end all and then suddenly disappearing when investigated sounds like classic health anxiety.

It's very possible to have some physical health problems AND be a hypochondriac. My own DM is a case in point.

In fact, I think it can be worse sometimes as people are reluctant to suggest anxiety as the person does have genuine issues.

It sounds shit for you OP.

I cannot imagine what my reaction would be if anyone said what your husband said about your c-section pain! You have so much on your plate and I really feel for all five of you. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to be cared for and help with a shared household. I know how bad the chronic pain he's dealing with but him doing fuck all at home is ludicrous. I have a special needs young adult who needs everything done for him such as feeding and diapers etc so you must be exhausted. What happens if you were to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him? Good luck OP

It's funny because the additional information you've posted just makes me feel even sorrier for him and makes you look even worse.

Earlier in the thread you said that he'd had health anxiety the entire time you knew him and you felt he acted out during your latest pregnancy because he couldn't bear you being sicker than him. You also stated you'd told him to retrain tons of times but he wouldn't.

Now you're saying he was diagnosed DURING your last pregnancy (so within the last year) and was presumably put on strong medication then so the "acting out" was him getting used to a chronic diagnosis and severe medication. Probably undergoing severe health anxiety and depression. But you interpreted that as competing with your pregnancy!

Also he's had under a year from this diagnosis for you to patronizingly tell him to quit a career he loves yet you're acting as if he's irrational. My guess is that before he was diagnosed last year you thought he was a hypochondriac and told him so.

You've tried to position him in the absolute worst light possible and you STILL come out looking bad.

So your DH hasn't been a hypochondriac since you met him then. It's just he hadn't been diagnosed yet? And he's only been diagnosed recently and struggling to get meds that are working for him?

@vuripadexo

1. I have NEVER told him to quit his job. I wouldn't. It means to much to him. I think he should. But I have never told him too. His work keeps him going and he enjoys his job. Understand?

1. He was diagnosed in February last year. Shall I post proof????

1. He has had PREVIOUS issues. You are not reading correctly

1. Where have I said he's had 'health anxiety'? I havent. I've said he's always had issues regarding his health. It's taken years for me to realise what he suffers with and what is anxiety.

1. You also stated you'd told him to retrain tons of times but he wouldn't.** What the fuck are you on about lol?

Go away troll.

Ffs sake I've already said! From the moment I met him there has been something wrong always.

He was diagnosed with arthritis in February last year. But that doesn't mean his arthritis started then! It takes a long time to get diagnosed with something.

He was on meds before he was diagnosed.

In feb when he was diagnosed he was put on meds specifically for arthritis.

None of this really matters. He has 2 types of pain. The arthritis is the main one which is awful for him. The 2nd is due to anxiety, over thinking.

The end.

But there WAS something wrong. He just hadn't been diagnosed yet. And you have absolutely no way of knowing whether his other symptoms are just anxiety or related to something else. You're not a medical professional. Maybe these latest symptoms just haven't been diagnosed yet!!

I'd give him an ultimatum, OP. You can't go on like this, the stress of 3 DC, one with autism and one only 5 months old, is enormous when it falls on one person, never mind throwing such a needy DH into the mix. It'd be one thing if he was actively trying to get to the root of his problem and manage it effectively, but he's refusing to. He also sounds like he's taken his diagnosis as an excuse to be a crap father. That's not fair on your DC.

Tell him he must either seek help or you will leave him.

@XiCi No you are completely missing the point!

He will spend the whole weekend moaning about a pain in his leg. Monday morning it's fine and forgotten.

He ate a red pepper. Next minute he's having a heart attack.

Shooting pain in his arm. Spends an hour worrying about it. I suggest he plays on the PlayStation. Then it's gone.

There is nothing to diagnose. It's all anxiety. Listen to what I'm saying.

It's very hard to live with someone with a chronic illness, and even more difficult to say you find it hard too. You are condemned as uncaring and unsympathetic. The impact on you is never acknowledged.

@Pinkblanket completely. I don't think dh has ever once thought how hard it is for me. Or if I'm happy. Because everything is about him all the time. Which is understandable. He's the one in pain after all. I'm sticking to the marriage vows I made for him but that doesn't mean it's an easy thing for me to do

Is he generally anxious OP? With my DM, it all started with a genuine health problem which meant she got lots of sympathy and was excused from doing lots of things. She now, subconsciously I'm almost sure, uses whatever her latest health obsession is to give herself permission to take time out...but the underlying issue is plain anxiety.

Op you sound exhausted and I'm not surprised. I would be so frustrated with your husbands behaviour.

No one is saying having arthritis isn't horrible, as it obviously is.

for you. You've taken a bit of a bashing on here which I feel is uncalled for.