Dh is a hypercondriact

[hesalwaysill]

Regular user. Changed username

And I don't think I can cope anymore.

He's mid 30's. He does have arthritis all over his body which is pretty shit for his age. He's on strong medication for that but it makes him sick.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work. At home it's the opposite but I know he's tired. Though we have 3dcs and 1 is 5 months old. I'm tired too.

Anyway over the last week he's complained about everything.

Thinks he has a stomach ulcer.
Thinks he has ibs
Thinks he has kidney stones
Thinks he has a kidney infection
Has really really really really really bad heartburn
Thinks he's pulled a muscle in his back
Has hurt the back of his leg and can barely walk
Thinks he's getting a stomach bug
Has shooting pains in his chest

That's probably not all of it. His arthritis does play a big part of his health but he also....doesn't have any of the following things and it's just in his head.

I need to say something to him now I feel as this past week has been awful. I've stopped speaking to him when he's complaining as I've ran out of things to say.

It's mentally draining

I'm sure the OP's DH is in pain, but it sounds like he is full of self-pity and selfish to boot. One of my best friends has RA and she cares for her DH, who has Alzheimer's, and her DS, who has MH issues. She runs a Christian ministry for Central Asian women and travels frequently. She never complains but she is regularly in a lot of pain and has numerous other health issues.

It's a question of half full or half empty and having empathy for others. The OP's DH clearly has none for his wife seemingly, no wonder she's so upset with him.

YANBU, OP

It is very true that even if you feel these anxieties, it is somewhat selfish to exhaust those around you with them. I will definitely discuss my pain from ankylosing spondylitis with my DP (or when needed, require him to roll and carry me places) but those shooting pains I am suddenly convinced are a heart attack, no I don't share those, and I'm sure he would feel the same as you if I constantly did.

He might be hurt or defensive if you raise it with him, but it's not unreasonable to point out that he is consistently complaining of ailments that come to nothing, and while you are happy to be sympathetic to his diagnosed pain, noone likes a negative Nancy bringing them down all the time (obviously not put like that...)

OP i get you ,i have a chronic pain condition which sometimes takes over and i can be a complete cow to my DH .I did a pain management course and part of it focused on how it affects family members .It can impact everyone not just the person in pain .Is there any pain management courses he can do it is probably worth speaking to your gp there should be some at your nearest hospital,it would address the anxiety he has .Pain is horrible it can come between people but you need to look after yourself too .When he see's the Rhemoltologist mention about pain management and look to see if there are any support groups either local or online .He might not be keen but i can honestly vouch that the people i have met this way who are in the same boat can often turn out to be amazing support and give you the break you need .

Op, sorry if I've missed this somewhere, but have you actually talked to your DH about how you feel and how this is affecting you? If not then he sounds the type that is do totally wrapped up in his own woes that the effect in you and your dc will totally pass him by.

Do you think that the hard manual job is too much for him?

You really both BU but I do have sympathy for you.

You are both being insensitive to each other by comparing and playing top trumps. You have to right to tell him his pain is anxiety and he has no right to say to his wife who has just had her stomach cut open that she doesn’t know pain. That’s so unkind.

The problem is not him. The problem is you are both under immense pressure in different ways. You are working against each other and not with each other. I think marriage counselling would be really positive for you both.

Take a deep breath and talk to him at a time when you both have some space.

It's mentally draining I bet, poor guy.

I bet it's no walk in the park for him.

@PerverseConverse no, I haven't said anything about how I feel. Just that I feel sometimes it's all in his head. I am definitely at a stage where I need too though.

@maddening no this is the thing. At work he's fine. He works extra hours. He works on his days off. Doesn't take holidays. He won't stop. And it work he's fine. No pain no nothing.

@SubparOwl He doesn't really worry about things (that I know of). He's not an over thinker. But he does suffer from anxiety like he can't breathe etc. He was on meds for that but never carried on taking them.

@Severide08 thank you! He was actually offered a pain management course after the mri on his back which showed nothing. I really encouraged him to go but as the pain magically stopped he never went. They do them at our local hospital. I didn't know the touched on the anxiety side of things though so I'll push him to go again. Thank you x

Ah well, in that case you really need to tell him. By not saying anything you've given him permission to carry on this way. Prepare for him to be shocked and upset because he's thinking nothing is wrong!

@Op ongoing Chronic health conditions do cause ongoing anxiety. Every new pain and symptom becomes a worry and I'm sure he doesn't mean to drain you on purpose
You did know about his situation before you committed to him. I've recently had some therapy for mine, and it's changed my perspective
Perhaps, you could gently suggest you phone your gp about some? then he has an outlet which isn't you whilst you are dealing with Young children.

@Thatsalovelycuppatea not to this extent I didn't.

@PerverseConverse I don't think he would be shocked. He knows I'm unhappy and stressed. Please remember I have a disabled child to look after too. He knows my life isn't easy and he knows he does nothing to help me so I don't think he would be shocked. When he moans about the little things I don't say anything either. Because I've ran out of things to say. And he knows this too.

However I know I need to address it with him.

@Schuyler I see what your saying. I really try not to come across as playing top trumps. I'm not trying to get one over on him or anything. I love him massively but our life is stressful enough at the minute. I don't want it come across is who has it worse....maybe he does. That's why he struggled with my pregnancy so much as I was so poorly. He couldn't cope with that.

I'd be happy to do marriage counselling. However I know he wouldn't. He won't do anything to help himself. Mostly because I do it all for him. Thinking about it, it's probably the only reason he's with me really.

I feel so sorry for you OP , and you know, I've seen the same pattern in my relative. Has anxiety, has all kinds of nasty symptoms, won't go to counselling. Sheesh, what would it take to make these great big men to go to some nice person for a chat? It's hardly offering to amputate an arm! In fact, my relative had invasive surgery rather than face up to his hypochondria -- so probably would chop off an arm rather than see the shrink. On a related note, said relative is also suspected to be on the ASD spectrum. Totally dependant on his partner to do everything for him, himself a hugely negative presence in the house...I won't say more other than offer my deepest sympathies.

For what it’s worth my most recent mri didn’t show any change so they couldn’t understand why my pain was so bad. But they are going to open me up and have a better look. My rheumatologist then said she believes a lot of my pain is done to my early osteoarthritis and that’s why I’m in excruciating pain 24/7, and drugged to high heavens!!

So he's a hypochondriac and you're a martyr. Codependent marriage.

@Hugglessnuggles thank you for your post.

I can see what your saying but in this case, the mri was nothing to do with arthritis. It was due to something else entirely which he had already had an operation for a few years previous. He was told the same thing could happen again.

The mri showed no damage and that specific part of the back where the pain was, was actually on good condition. Soon as he found that out, he never complained of the pain again. The whole thing was just forgotten about but he has been complaining about it for months on end. He was so certain he needed another operation, we had planned how we were going to manage. Then....there was absolutely nothing wrong and it was never mentioned again. Which is why it seems it could of been his mind telling him there was pain there all along.

@PerverseConverse I wouldn't say I'm a martyr
In the slightest

You contradict yourself on every page. Your poor DH.

Let's see:

you said:

1. I have NEVER told him to quit his job. I wouldn't. It means to much to him. I think he should. But I have never told him too. His work keeps him going and he enjoys his job. Understand?

on the first page you posted:

He also will not give up his job. It's all he knows. I've suggested it many of times but he won't do it. He loves his job too much which is fair enough.

Sorry? Which is it? Are you trying to get him to quit his job or not? Or is the story going to change to whatever makes him look worse?

also

This is the difference between the arthritis and the over thinking. The 2 are not linked.

How the hell do you know? Are you a doctor? Are you a psychologist? Are you an expert on chronic pain? It's funny because there is tons of literature about the links between anxiety and pain but you know better.

Your posts are all twisted to try and make yourself look like a bigger victim. Like you stating he's gone off his medication as if he is medically noncompliant and then admitting later that he was TOLD to stop taking the medicine.

You think I'm trolling you but I'm not. I think you are exhausted dealing with his health issues and problems and constant crises which you have every right to be. But instead of accepting 50% of the responsibility for your current life due to a) marrying him in the first place knowing he had serious health problems and b) having a third child that has clearly destabilized things regardless of your protestations, you want to start demonizing him.

The reality is that it make take him years to get to grips with this diagnosis. It may be years of one step forward, two steps back. He will also likely decline. That's what you signed up for and you obviously regret it. You have the right to regret it and the right to leave. But you
don't have to make him into a monster. Just accept that you don't care about the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows and kick him out!

I haven't RTFT however I got to a certain point where you said that the doctor said he couldn't possibly have the pain he had previously.

I was ill throughout my childhood and was told by so many doctors that I wasn't ill, I was skiving off school, I couldn't possibly be in pain because there's nothing wrong. It wasnt until I was an adult where they found the problem and yes, I was in pain and they got it wrong.

@vuripadexo a frustrating thread isn't it. I had sympathy until OP said she hadn't even told him how unhappy she is. She says she's not a martyr but her posts suggest otherwise.

@vuripadexo suggested it yes!!!!! Not told him too like you said!

No I'm not a doctor. But it doesn't take a doctor to say that eating pepper isn't going to give you a heat attack. Everything I'm fucking saying lasts a day or 2 then it's gone. And we are onto the next condition. The previous one never ever returns.

I'm very careful of his feelings which is why I haven't said anything!!! Her works his fucking arse off and yes he's tired. And yes he has arthritis. And I'm tired. And do I want an argument over it? No I fucking don't which I why I came here for advice.

Leaving the thread. Eldest ds is home now and my needs go to him.

You are horrible.

Practical ideas from someone with RA and osteo:

Don't have any more children. Snip or LARC.
Kettle tipper will enable him to make his own drinks.
Antidepressants. If he's already on them, a new one is needed. Venlafaxine has completely changed my outlook.
I assume he takes NSAIDs. He needs a -prazole drug to protect the stomach.

I will add more later, had my methotrexate yesterday so am as queasy as hell.

You welcome hesalwaysill if you can get him to go i honestly think it will help him .I was very angry at life when i got diagnosed and i not one for saying how i feel. I do tell my bff but apart that i am very closed book .But course i did helped me to address that and it helped .People often are nervous of going to things like pain courses but dont like to admit it but they truly are a godsend .Wishing you all the best x

PsA can cause inflammation in the sacroiliac joint which can make the lumbar spine unbelievably painful. The flare in it could have subsided by the time he had the mri so no inflammation showing, it can still be painful though, it takes my breath away at times it's that bad. And the other thing with PsA is that the pain can move around the body from minute to minute and day to day.

I'd also suggest your dh speaks to his rheumatologist about the possibility of a fibro diagnosis as well, it's extremely common to develop it.

Sit him on the sofa, cushion under his arm and he can hold the baby. Or even lie in bed next to the baby if he cant hold them.

Oh @hesalwaysill I'm so sad to see this and the truly awful comments. My husband also has psa. I get you honestly I do. He sounds poorly I hope you can convince him to see a doctor for his anxiety. Perhaps it would help you to speak to one too.

I do hope you read this and know there are people that understand and care.

To all you heartless bitches just think before you type.