Dh is a hypercondriact

[hesalwaysill]

Regular user. Changed username

And I don't think I can cope anymore.

He's mid 30's. He does have arthritis all over his body which is pretty shit for his age. He's on strong medication for that but it makes him sick.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work. At home it's the opposite but I know he's tired. Though we have 3dcs and 1 is 5 months old. I'm tired too.

Anyway over the last week he's complained about everything.

Thinks he has a stomach ulcer.
Thinks he has ibs
Thinks he has kidney stones
Thinks he has a kidney infection
Has really really really really really bad heartburn
Thinks he's pulled a muscle in his back
Has hurt the back of his leg and can barely walk
Thinks he's getting a stomach bug
Has shooting pains in his chest

That's probably not all of it. His arthritis does play a big part of his health but he also....doesn't have any of the following things and it's just in his head.

I need to say something to him now I feel as this past week has been awful. I've stopped speaking to him when he's complaining as I've ran out of things to say.

It's mentally draining

It sounds really draining OP...I get where you are coming from..you just want a break from the moaning and for him to change the record? Thing is some people are glass half full and manage to find positive things and ways to manage their conditions and other people are glass half empty.When my husband is ill and he has no conditions he makes such a song and dance about it it grates on my wick it really does,but he is not trying to manage any symptoms like your husband is...You sound tired and worn out too.What about the pair of you trying to make a bit of time for each other,could you do that maybe get a family member to babysit so you two could go out and have a meal maybe or go to the cinema and have fun? It might help no end for both of you to escape a bit and relax?No instant solutions for you but if you could maybe just spend some time together it might help you both? Best Wishes sent.

@Apple103 he's always been like this since I known him. At the moment his moaning about an issue relating to his stomach which he has always had. Always. I remember him telling me about it on one of our first dates. About 3 months into it, he went for a cat scan for something. I can't even remember what that was for now but I remember going with him to it.

It's always been there but in the last year it's got worse. In all honesty it's got worse since I fell pregnant. I became extremely ill and was constantly in and out of hospital throughout. I was so poorly. But it was almost like he couldn't deal with me being worse than him.

I had a c section and he didn't really look after me well. He even shouted at me as I was in pain when we got home and he said 'try living with arthritis and then you will know real pain'.

So I was up and about after a few days as he just said his pain was worse than mine. He took paternity leave but I still did everything except drive.

Why did you post? You're convinced the situation is as you see it.

Would you not consider both of you working part time?

Although actually it seems as you feel your marriage is beyond saving?

OP, you don't need to or should have to put up with that level of unsympathetic behaviour. I have an IL like your DH and it is EXTREMELY wearing of the other partner. I would strongly recommend counselling.

I told him this morning I was making him a drs appointment so he can discuss all the added health worries he has on top of the arthritis but he's refused to go. He just says he will see how it goes. And deep down that's because he knows some of it is in his head. He does know this. He needs help for anxiety. He has enough to deal with the arthritis. It's no way to live like this

I know there will be something new this weekend and it will completely take over everything. Until Monday morning when he will get up for work like there was nothing ever wrong

I think the diary is possibly a good idea. And I know he needs to see the gp. I just need to sit down and have a chat with him and explain. I really don't think he realises how much this takes over his/out life

YAB massively U. Your poor DH. He has a serious health condition requiring heavy duty meds that undoubtedly will be causing side effects and is getting shit not only from you but from friends and family despite holding down a manual job. Even if the further symptoms are 'in his head' they are real to him. He can't just take your word for it and immediately stop feeling ill. Health anxiety is a crippling condition and really difficult to manage. If he is suffering from it its further complicated by his existing illness. You say you have compassion but your posts just read like you want him to shut up and go away.

Bloody hell OP, that sounds really tough. Does he help with the 9yo at all?

He could at least ask about your day and the baby, even if it really does hurt to hold her. He could have her on the floor and keep her entertained, I bet he doesn’t do that.

To all of those saying why doesn’t she go to work, I bet my house she would swap places but he wouldn’t be able to deal with the children. If he hardly does anything at home, she’s not going to suddenly trust him with all the childcare.

for you OP. My DH drives me mad when he's poorly, his pain threshold is different to mine and the night he tried to make me phone an ambulance when he had toothache is not one I'm likely to forget .
I think you need to have a conversation with him telling him how wearing you find his constant complaining. Obviously, you can tell him you feel sorry for his very real and genuine medical issues, but he needs to stop making it all about him. Find some coping mechanism for when he does go on, leave the room, recite a poem in your head, whatever. You don't have to be his verbal punchbag for him to unload all his complaints when he gets home.

YANBU If all you hear is moaning and crying wolf, if he does have a genuine health concern, you will not believe him, it must be wearing you down, where is the joy in your life? I really feel for you, he should be concentrating on you and the kids at this time, not trying to one up on who has the most pain. He sounds very self absorbed and selfish. I feel for you.

it is very common for depression and anxiety to be linked with autoimmune diseases. he should def see someone. can you see gp by yourself and express your concerns? help to try convince him to see someone. you mentioned earlier he stopped meds ... why? withdrawal alone so suddenly can cause his system to go hay wire ... physically and emotionally.

has he a rheumatologist?

@XiCi I'm nothing but loving and caring to my dh actually. I don't ever tell him anything. We never ever argue. I send him texts everyday saying how much I love him. I bring him lunch most days just to see him. I'm not an uncaring wife. I'm not opposite. What I am is tired and drained. And I have every right to be. Maybe try reading the rest of the post.

You seem to be avoiding the question of whether you would consider sharing the load of employment.

Or maybe he is coeliac - please check the connection between arthritis and coeliac disease.

This may not only explain all of the non-arthritis symptoms you mention in your op, but even his anxiety if he has very low iron. Coeliacs have a much higher chance of developing anemia and anemia can cause / exacerbate anxiety.

He may still have health anxiety too, of course, but the risk of saying it’s only health anxiety is that you potentially miss something important (and potentially life changing too).

@Sharpandshineyteeth no not really. But I suppose that's because
I automatically do everything. I don't ask for his help anymore as I know he will say something is hurting so I just do it.

I'd bloody love to go back to work!!! I haven't worked for a couple of years because of ds and his autism and the amount of appointments etc. I could only work during school hours but I'd love it. I need something for me. Soon as I've finished breastfeeding the baby I'm going to look for something part time.

@balls2DWall yes has a rheumatologist and was advised to stop meds due to them making him feel sick. This is what that doctor told him to do. He's waiting for another appointment to see what to do next.

These people that are telling OP she is unreasonable or awful.....are you actually reading what she is saying?

Op you are not U at all, he sounds draining and I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether. I agree with a PP, he sounds selfish and self involved, especially with how he behaved when you had your baby, almost like he has to feel worse than you do.

OP. I couldn't cope with a whiner like that. I have chronic pain and have done for 30 years now (since I was 12). Yes he has a horrible illness but he's not exactly doing anything to help himself is he?? I have no patience for those who do nothing to help themselves. If he won't take medication and won't see the doctor then there's nothing you can do to help him. You have to help yourself. It sounds like he enjoys the sick role. It strikes me as very odd that he manages his job but is too ill to do anything else. I'd be telling him he either gets the help he needs or your marriage is over. No one should have to live like that. He's only 30 ffs! Imagine another 50+ years of life like this You deserve happiness. His illness is impacting on you but he's not prepared to help himself. Selfish man.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles didn't see it.

And yes once I've finished breast feeding though dh has said if I want to go back to work that's fine but only during the day as he couldn't look after the dcs if I work when he gets home. My mum will have the dcs.

hesalwaysill my last post cross posted with a couple of yours! You say you don't ever tell him anything but your earlier posts said that you tell him it's all in his head which sounded really harsh given his condition and meds. If you are really struggling day to day then you need to discuss this with him, struggling on without telling anyone will just lead to you breaking down. Someone up thread mentioned counselling, could this be useful to you both? Sounds like you both have alot going on with your eldest and DH health. Health anxiety can be really crippling and hard to control. He needs to discuss this with his GP

It sounds like holistic massage therapy (including abdominal), would be beneficial it can help to settle anxiety and keep his joints lubricated and improve sleep quality. Nutrition and movement is so vital but more so when both your bodies will be flushed with additional stress hormones. Maybe a better way to spend your time and money than at the cinema or a take away.
The being ok at work and then not at home is a classic, almost like teachers that are ill for half term.
Be your own best friends you need to do more of what makes you happy.

Hi. I've not read the full thread but I'm sorry you've had such a roasting on here. My husband has health anxiety and it is draining for me (and your situation sounds tougher with all your kiddies - we just have one on the way!). We've been to A&E in the night because he thought he was having a heart attack (he was in his mid 20s at the time! - but I couldn't be bothered arguing about it). I'm a nurse and I worry about missing real symptoms. I've also worked with people with health anxiety professionally and it can quite often stem from having a genuine health condition but manifests into irrational health worries. He can insist it's not anxiety all he likes but unless he does have genuine symptoms of all these conditions that's probably what it is. GPS are supposed to recognise this (E.g. when someone attends a lot with different symptoms and offer mental health support) but they often don't respond appropriately. Anyway, I'm not sure if I've helped but just wanted to give you a hand hold as I think some PP have been pretty harsh on you

Very difficult, but as another pp suggested, he gets a less physical job if he can adapt. The hypochondria is probably a manifestation of his rheumatoid arthritis. You're both going through the mill with it, and I applaud him for coping with such a demanding job, but can see you're ground down. It's become a habit, him keep talking about it, but to him he probably needs to let it out. Maybe you can compromise, ask him not to talk about it every day, and you might find if the frequency is reduced it won't bother you as much.

Just to add that often telling someone they're being irrational only makes them reaffirm.theur beliefs in their own mind. It's a tough one to manage.

I have 'gently' told him that it sounds like it's all in his head. I don't go in all guns blazing. But he just says it's not. His family members have noticed it too and they are more stern than me. If we ever go to his mums he will say 'I think I've got a stomach ulcer' or 'I've head a headache for a few days. I'm too scared too go to the doctors as I'll probably have a tumour or sormething' then his family are like 'oh hear we go....'

He does 100% need counselling. It's just getting him to realise why he needs it.

Crabby, slight crossed post there so maybe we've hit on a point! About manifestation. And OP sorry I put rheumatoid arthritis, when it's arthritis, couldn't remember as I was writing post.