Dh is a hypercondriact

[hesalwaysill]

Regular user. Changed username

And I don't think I can cope anymore.

He's mid 30's. He does have arthritis all over his body which is pretty shit for his age. He's on strong medication for that but it makes him sick.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work. At home it's the opposite but I know he's tired. Though we have 3dcs and 1 is 5 months old. I'm tired too.

Anyway over the last week he's complained about everything.

Thinks he has a stomach ulcer.
Thinks he has ibs
Thinks he has kidney stones
Thinks he has a kidney infection
Has really really really really really bad heartburn
Thinks he's pulled a muscle in his back
Has hurt the back of his leg and can barely walk
Thinks he's getting a stomach bug
Has shooting pains in his chest

That's probably not all of it. His arthritis does play a big part of his health but he also....doesn't have any of the following things and it's just in his head.

I need to say something to him now I feel as this past week has been awful. I've stopped speaking to him when he's complaining as I've ran out of things to say.

It's mentally draining

I have PA too. Humira has changed my life and has had pretty much zero side effects. Good luck to both of you

My pain consultant very rightly says that scans don't show pain.

mynameiscalypso im so glad its working for you. i was on enbrel, then humira and now cosentyx. that has helped me the most.

Dr actually told him he couldn't have the pain as described and suggested meds for anxiety.
Then that doctor is crap!!!
It is very well known that physical damage is nit a good indicator of pain and that it there is ‘little’ physical signs that suggest pain then it means it’s anxiety.
That’s really a lot of rubbish!

I have psoriatic arthritis and the meds I take have hideous side effects (not currently taking due to bf).

When I’m having a really bad flare-up I can barely walk, I have no idea how your DH does a manual job, even if he’s not flaring.

When your youngest is older could you go back to work full time and your DH goes part-time? That way he could keep his hand in but not be so drained all of the time. It might make your lives a lot easier.

I have PsA too and sometimes things don't show on mri. It's a different disease to Ra.

As someone has asked, has he tried any biologics yet? Trust me before biologics I spent every single day feeling unwell.

Btw I’d reiterate what I said earlier.
Your issue isn’t just about him. It’s also about you.
You need some time off. Time to recoup, time for yourself. A bit of breathing space in the middle of it all.
You are NOT goingt o cope with a child with SN etc... if you don’t look after yourself.

Start with that because that’s something you CAN do something about. Change of medication, your DH changing jobs etc... is all good bar the fact you can’t make all that happen for him.

op is there any chance of getting some help with the kids? even one or two mornings? so you can recharge?

It is quite possible that he has digestive/gastric issues AS WELL AS Arthritis and heartburn etc.

I get called a Hypochondriac regularly and mostly by my Mum, (despite my full PIP, Motability Car and Mobility Scooter...)
However, I have been DIAGNOSED with the following:

Hypermobility Syndrome
Arthritis (Both Rheumatic & Osteo)
Reynauds Syndrome
Hydradenitis Supporativa
Fibromyalgia
M.E
Scalp Psoriasis
IBS
GORD (Reflux - Otherwise known as chronic Heartburn!)
And currently being tested for M.S!

So yeah, just because someone has more than one condition, does NOT make them a Hyperchondriac..........

"But some of it is in his head. His family tell him. His work mates tell him. "

I feel even more sympathy for him now. PsA can be horrific and he is doing amazingly well holding down a full time manual job.

Doesn't the fact that most people here are expressing sympathy and empathy for him not alter your perspective at all? Your last post is defensive and dismissive of the majority view in addition to your DH. Would you consider sharing the employment load with him - both of you working part time may really help.

In fact I was pretty much in your DH's position, the main wage earner and complaining (for want of a better word, and about my pain not working) and DH couldn't have been more supportive. In fact we have now swapped roles and at one point DH literally cleaned toilets and offices to allow me to "retire".

I have no doubt it was wearing for him as I was self centred and negative as I felt so badly, but he never once berated me or was as resentful as you appear to be. He supported me and empathised and our marriage is actually better for it, despite the circumstances being pretty shit.

I am sure if you worked together for solutions instead of both complaining about the status quo you would both feel better.

Gosh, you sound awful. Poor guy.

Thank goodness my husband doesn't think things like this about me as I have chronic pain, loads of other conditions and diagnosed hypochondria/HA. I'd be devastated if he was so cruel.

we all feel for her dp. he is not a hyprocondriac.

but at the same time i feel for you hesalwaysill as you obviously need help NOW. maybe you can try concentrate on what you can do to help you ... childminding, creche (Im not sure how old your kids are) any relative that can help. or once a week do an evening hour to yourself, a walk or meet a friend etc

its got to be hard to live with us that have these ailments. thankfully im lucky and have a very supportive partner. not saying you arent op, i just hope you are venting here and not saying it to your partner's face!

Seems like you're all under a lot of stress. Stress can often come out as anxiety which can lead to feeling ill or indeed actually aggravating 'real' conditions.

Perhaps try viewing your DH's hypochondria in a holistic, whole-family approach. Perhaps bring in some sort of therapeutic help.

He works hard. Very hard manual job and works all the hours. He's not lazy at work.

A man without RA would be tired after working all day in hard manual job. So for your husband to do so with RA must be even more tiring plus painful. No wonder he is so tired in the evenings.

Looking after children is in now way comparable to a hard manual job. Swap roles and then you will find out how hard he works.

You may say you have compassion for him but that certainly doesn't come across in your posts. You come across as uncaring who thinks he should just get on with life without ever complaining just because you're tired and look after children.
I feel so sorry for your husband.

this weather must be a killer for him!

How was he prior to this op? Before the RA diagnoses. Reason I ask is I have a very close family member who is a hypochondriac. Unless you live with someone like this it's very difficult to explain. I have zero sympathy for them now. It is draining and extremely frustrating.

Your dh needs to change jobs then if this is the impact its having.

There's literally no point in me saying anything else.

As far as the mri goes....he went from going on about this pain non stop for months on end. He told his boss he would need a few weeks off work while as he was sure he would be getting an op as soon as the results came in. His boss even cleared his work load. It was all he talked about constantly. He got the results. The doctor told him there was nothing wrong. He never ever ever moaned about it after that. The pain magically just went and dh admitted he was more than likely over thinking it.

The arthritis he obviously isn't making up. I know that and have noting but sympathy for him. I do everything I can.

BUT as I've said, I know my husband and I know the difference between his actual pain and what he thinks to be pain. The differences are massive. He goes from 'I've got a bit of tummy ache' to 'I've got stomach cancer, I've googled it' all in a couple of hours.

He ate a raw pepper the other night which gave him heartburn. Which led him to think he was having a heart attack. Pains down his arms etc etc (anxiety). Told him we should get some help but then it stopped. He realised it was down to the pepper eventually

He also thinks he's going to choke on food all of the time. Again it's anxiety. He thinks there's something wrong.

This is the difference between the arthritis and the over thinking. The 2 are not linked.

Trying to bring it up is a different matter though.

Could it be withdrawal symptoms from stopping some medications?

@WhyDontYouComeOnOver no I'm not awful. I'm anything but.

I'm trying to keep w Rhône together. I have a 9 year old autistic son who I have to dress every day, put him to bed (manually), deal with meltdowns. He can be violent. He refuses school and every morning I have the battle to get him there. He's as big as me now but he's like a 3 year old. Not easy....

My 7 year old is great thank goodness

My 5 month old is....a 5 month old. Not sleeping. Obviously I get up through the night (that's fine) but I do everything else. As dh cannot even hold her when he comes in from work. Nothing hurts at work. Everything starts to hurt when he gets home. And not always the arthritis but something. So I have to feed the kids, bath then, get them in bed, do dh's tea. Dh goes to bed at 9. Me midnight. I'm then up 3/4 times a night with with the baby.

When dh gets home....all we talk about is whatever is wrong with him. That's all. He doesn't speak to the dcs. Doesn't ask how the baby has been. Nothing.

I am not awful. I'm tired. I'm fed up. I've had enough. But I'm not awful.

OP.
My MIL had got some genuine health problems but unfortunately she also has health anxiety and I suspect munchausen by proxy as when she's tired of her own health issues she likes to make stuff up for DH and my DD. All fictitious.
It is exhausting.
So far she has had low blood pressure, high blood pressure, lung cancer, throat cancer, skin cancer, AMD, glaucoma, cataracts, a broken ankle, bowel cancer, diabetes. If she has a cold it's going to turn into pneumonia. She hasn't got any of these conditions. At all. She has however, got anxiety, which she flatly denies.

Sorry just read your last post. It does sound like he could be a hypochondriac. You could try writing it down every time he says something is wrong (that then comes to nothing) in a diary and show him after a couple of weeks.

Google hypochondriac test and complete it for him and maybe make an appointment with his GP to discuss further options.

It’s so hard when you’re in pain - it means you’re constantly aware of your body and what’s its feeling. It’s like a hypersensitivity to pain. It’s crap. It’s crap for both of you. Look at home stuff - decide what you can both let slide. Partly you’ll resent this because it means more will fall to you to get done.

I have huge sympathy for your DH. He sounds worn down with his health complaints and I can imagine he's constantly anxious about it

I also have huge sympathy for you. You've got so much on your plate and yet have to find the emotional energy to support him too.

Is there any way you can get some help with the DC so you get some relaxing time? A crèche at a gym while you do a class or have a swim? Do you have spare money to outsource anything such as cleaning, ironing? Do you shop online? A monthly takeaway? Can you go out as a family fit the day? Or to the pics?

I think you both need some relaxing, fun time. It's. It the answer to your problems, but it might help the family's level of happiness

Interesting about you son. I was about to ask if DH is HF ASD. Sounds like he’s really good at masking (at work) auto-immune issues, inflammation and hypersensitive. It reminded me of my DD (HF ASD) Everything is wrong when she gets home and let’s her guard down.