To not let her daughter sleep over?

[Angelwings111]

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

So you're doing her a favour yet she starts demanding this and that. Tell her to find somewhere else for DD to stay

As others have said, you’ve offered her enough options and if she can’t accept any of them then it’s up to her to find an alternative place to stay for her DD. It’s your family dog and has more right to be in the family home than her DD.

Yanbu. She needs to find alternative arrangements.

My dogs have always slept in or on the beds in our house. No way would this womans unreasonable demands be acommodated here. Remember, you're doing her a favour. She would be told that daughter is welcome to stay but routine will not be changed.

Is there not a toilet/bathroom/utility downstairs?

Your DH sleeps in DD2s room and you sleep in your room with dd2 and baby

As a dc my ddog slept on my bed every night.
And dcat on my pillow.
I lived to tell the tale /tail!!
Your friend should make other arrangements.
Can't believe some of the suggestions on here!!
Top bunk will be fine as long as you hide the mountaineering ropes incase ddog finds them....

I feel sorry for your friend a little. She has no one else and probably has anxiety with the operation. You have been generous giving her options but I’d probably make it work for the sake of two days. I wouldn’t have a dog in with any child but especially a five week old baby. But given you trust your dog 100% why would you not have it in with you for the two nights with the option to roam if it’s just going to sleep at the end of the bed? Do you Co sleep?

Yanbu.

You are happy to make certain accommodations for this child but unfortunately the dynamic of your family - newborn, autism and a dog who is used to sleeping in DD's room don't lend itself well to too much change.

Obviously you can't have dog with newborn while dog is still getting used to another baby and needing to move a little further down the pecking order.

Autism isn't just something that is trotted out for fun and the disruption to your dd would cause massive consequences for everyone else.

The 'least worse' option is dog being shut in DD's room overnight and the girls sleeping downstairs, putting up with the whining from dog and hoping that dog doesn't wreck the room in distress.

You are doing the mum a favour and I understand that she might be worried about leaving her dd and having an operation, but compromise has to work both ways.

If she cannot compromise, then the only option is to say you cannot have the dd overnight.

And tbh, given you're having her regularly every week and so dog will be reasonably familiar with her, i might start being less available on those Fridays unless the girls really want to continue or she reciprocates with time spent at hers.

I am always happy to have my dc's friends over and help out. But only if and when it works for me.

You have a child with special needs, a newborn most likely waking through the night, another child and a dog to look after. I think you have been more than accommodating with the sleeping options. You friend is being rather cheeky.

I would reply, "Sorry, we have brainstormed here, I don't have another workable solution. If you aren't happy you will need to ask elsewhere.
Let me know"

Totally this.
As an aside, there are some bonkers people on this thread. Millions of dogs sleep on family members’ beds (including children) every night without drama

I understand the other parent not wanting her child to share a room (or the child not wanting that either). I don't think that is CF.

But I also understand why your DD2 shouldn't be disturbed and why you can't have the dog and the baby in together.

So it's an impasse. She will have to compromise or find an alternative. It's not like you haven't thought through the options its just that none of them are possible.

Very nicely you could give her the only options that work for you and when she refuses, say "Oh, ok, I really can't do anything else so I totally understand if you'd prefer that she stays elsewhere." But smiling so she can't take offence at it.

She's being a total CF btw and you've done more than enough to try and accommodate her. Especially with a newborn!!

I think for 2 nights the dog could sleep elsewhere really, the little girl could have allergy's which is why the mum is concerned.

I have a big dog that my friends children are afraid of (she's the silliest soppiest friendliest dog but cos she's big, she can knock you down with her giddiness) so I always make sure the dog is locked in another room whilst they are here.

I think I've missed something but... Why can't the dog have free run of the house except your DD bedroom, just shut the door so the dog can't go in? Not sure I'm really seeing the problem here tbh.

Personally I would go with what the friends mum wants and shut your daughters door to keep the dog out or have your partner sleep on the sofa with him/her or something. Having recently had an operation it was so stressful sorting out the children being happy and safe so I could go in an know I could
Focus on my recovery. If you can ease one anxiety by ensuring the dog isn’t sleeping in the same room as her daughter, then I would. I’m sure she will appreciate it a lot.

Well I'm not moving the whole house around for the sake of a sleep over. If the top bunk isn't good enough, you'll have to find someone else to have her, sorry.

Job done.

You’ve offered a few solutions, and also have 3 children yourself, including a new baby and a child with autism. I wouldn’t be completely rearranging everyone’s sleeping arrangements beyond what you’ve already offered. You’d even offered for her Dd to have a room to herself, and still not good enough. I would message her and say “I’ve been having a think about sleeping arrangements, but with a baby in the mix, there’s not much else I can think of. If you’re not happy with the suggestions, I think you’ll need to ask someone else to have Dd for those 2 nights. Sorry about that”

But my dog would scratch and wine all night if it was ‘shut out of its pack’ that it usually sleeps with. So free run of house might not work.

OP you are being very helpful and reasonable with your solutions. Our dog sleeps with us sometimes. (Like fireworks night or shares a tent when camping).

The friend is obviously feeling anxious about the op and leaving her DD which again I have every sympathy with. I would feel so upset at having an op and haveing to ask a favour of friend (no matter how good a friend) and then there being something I feel uncomfortable about but no choice in it. It sucks being a single parents with no grandparent support.

For what it’s worth I think that you are both being reasonable and I am not sure what the answer is. But it would be a shame for the friendship to be affected given that it’s just a combination of tricky circumstances.

Congrats on new baby.

Why are you even entertaining this cheeky fuckery? Just sent the message that you’ve given 3 options and you’ll understand she’ll be making alternative plans for her dd to stay with someone else.

How unspeakably rude of her!

I think for 2 nights the dog could sleep elsewhere really

Depends on the dog. Mine is used to sleeping in our bed and wouldn't cope sleeping separately without a lot of training. If the dog is used to sleeping in someones bed it's highly likely that he/she won't settle downstairs.

I think for 2 nights the dog could sleep elsewhere really, the little girl could have allergy's which is why the mum is concerned.

Are these allergies not in effect when the OP has this little girl every Friday?
Are the worries about the dog savaging this little girl not in effect every Friday too?

Look OP you have tried to offer different options to this woman, all have been turned down, you are balancing a baby a few weeks old, another child that has additional needs and just the general business of life, she needs to either accept your kind offer to help as it stands or make other arrangements herself.

Suggestions to have your husband sleep up the chimney with the dog and putting various children in different post codes to accommodate this woman are nonsense, she is fine to have her daughter in the same house as this dog once a week, so what is so different now?

Congrats on the new baby

The friends mum isn't wrong badirene - a non family child tripping over and waking the family dog in the night in the way to the toilet isn't a non existent risk - as others point out most nasty dog bites to children happen to friends of the family, usually the family thought the dog was a big softy whom they've become complacent about and left children unattended with. A dog violently awoken (by a child tripping over it/ stepping on its tail unintentionally while heading down from the bunk bed to the toilet in the dark) may very well bite anyone but especially an "intruder".

People who talk about their dogs like children ("I don't see why he should have to", "how I rear my dog", "the dog will cry" if not sleeping with a person) are generally people who've stopped being careful about dogs and children together, stopped treating the dog as a dog. I wouldn't let my kids stay the night in a house where a dog's preferences outranked my child's safety.

The outcome is the same though - Angelwings111 's house is not a safe place for a non family child to overnight. The other girl's mum isn't a CF to want her child to be safe, but nevertheless should discount Angelwings111 's offer as unsuitable, say thanks but no thanks and stop trying to make her provide suitable accommodation. The other mum needs to discount Angelwings111 for sleepovers totally, just as she'd discount other unsuitable options, and get on and find a suitable, safe option for when she has her operation asap.