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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:
Raspberry88 · 31/01/2019 11:20

I agree that it doesn't sound like this is going to be workable and it's probably best that she finds somewhere else. Can't believe how many posters here find it mad that the friend would be worried though, of course she is! I'm sure lots of children do sleep in with dogs every night but I hate the 'nothing ever happened to me' attitude, it doesn't mean that it is safe, there's always the chance that something could happen. If I was the OPs friend I would also be seriously unhappy with the arrangement, does she have anyone else she can ask?

CantStopMeNow · 31/01/2019 14:00

OP, you're already going out of your way to help her with her dc and you've been more than accommodating by giving her a few choices.
She can choose one and be grateful for the help you're giving her or she can make other arrangements.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 14:30

Thank you to everyone for your advice.
I have been out today and brought a crate so dog can sleep with us and baby. I know he is going to whine and cry all night.
As for all the negative comments I would just like to say I absolutely do not put my dogs happiness above the safety of my children, I have complete faith in him and the only reason he can’t come in with us is because ds is co-sleeping and even though I trust the dog to be around him I know he could easily get suffocated or hurt by accident.
Also dd has had various friends sleeping over lately and all parents are happy for them to take the top bunk or be with the dog. I did state in my original post that I understand not every parent would be happy with that arrangement and I always do my best to accommodate this.
For everyone asking of is a golden retriever.

OP posts:
Consolidatedyourloins · 31/01/2019 14:40

Why did you buy a crate? You're a mug, OP, sorry to say.

I would have said no to her.

(Also, I think it's a bit naïve to have complete faith in a dog. That's treating it like it is capable of understanding it has a responsibility, which it does not).

recrudescence · 31/01/2019 14:42

Like some others, I would have lost patience with this person a while ago. Good for you in going the extra mile to accommodate her. Big kiss to your golden retriever!

autumnleaf1 · 31/01/2019 14:43

I can't believe you're pandering to this woman. You already do weekly free childcare and now you're buying a crate and risking being kept awake all night by a whining dog just because this other mum says so. What does she do for you?!

gamerchick · 31/01/2019 14:44

I would reply, "Sorry, we have brainstormed here, I don't have another workable solution. If you aren't happy you will need to ask elsewhere.
Let me know"

This, without the sorry. ^^

You're being a total pushover OP.

lifetothefull · 31/01/2019 14:48

OP you have been lovely and accommodating. Your friend is not a CF as others have suggested, just someone who doesn't want to be worrying about her dd while she's in hospital. I hope she appreciates you. You are a great friend.

macaroniandpizza · 31/01/2019 14:50

Id tell her unfortunately she will have to make other arrangements

accendo · 31/01/2019 14:50

If your dog isn't usually crated at night he will see it as a punishment. You need to find your backbone.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/01/2019 15:29

I don't understand why you're bending over backwards for this CF woman? You're doing her a massive favour. It should be your way or no way and she can find a different mug person to accommodate her princess.

Nayeds · 31/01/2019 15:38

Can you put the kids top and tail for a couple of nights? I remember doing this at sleep overs. If not I would tell the friend you don't know what to do. Ask her for solutions and put the ball in her court.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 15:53

Hmm clearly I have made a mistake buying the crate. Tbh I am doing it more for the kid, she’s really lovely. Yes the friendship is a bit one sided but friend has mental health issues and doesn’t want ss involved. She also doesn’t have any family around to help.

OP posts:
Canshopwillshop · 31/01/2019 15:54

OP, I don’t think you should crate your dog if it’s not used to it. The last thing you need with a newborn is to be kept awake by it whining. As for the comments about putting your dog before childrens’ safety - utter nonsense.

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 31/01/2019 16:01

Crate-training a dog doesn't happen quickly. If you just lock your dog in a crate without preparation you'll have the whole house awake all night.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 31/01/2019 16:03

Buying a crate is not a mistake, but you do need to realise that crate training is a specific process and should be done gradually - especially if the dog is an adult and has not been crated before.

If you aren't careful the dog will see it as a punishment and if incorrectly done, it can cause behavioural problems as a result. Bearing in mind that this child is supposed to be sleeping over next week, I am not sure there is enough time to crate train to the extent that you won't be disturbed.

I understand you want to support this lady, but I can't help thinking that crating the dog isn't the answer here - the dog hasn't done anything wrong!

Greyhound22 · 31/01/2019 16:11

My dog sleeps next to our bed at night. He has done since I bought him home 6 years ago and he is now 11.

I wouldn't and couldn't shut him out for anyone. He would keep the whole house up all night and would be very distressed.

Mumsnet generally hates dogs so you'll get lots of 'can't you just shove it in the shed' type responses.

I wouldn't want my DC sleeping in a bed with a strange dog tbh but I can see no problem with the top bunk. Tell her it's the top bunk (where the dog can't possibly get) or she needs to find someone else to have her.

adaline · 31/01/2019 16:17

I have been out today and brought a crate so dog can sleep with us and baby. I know he is going to whine and cry all night.

So why so earth did you buy it in the first place? Crate-training a dog can take weeks if not months.

My dog sleeps in the bed and we never bothered crate-training him - there's just no need for it in our home, so I'm definitely not criticising the lack of crate, I just don't understand why you felt the need to buy a crate? It won't make the dog happy, and nobody will get any sleep if the dog is crying and whining all night long.

adaline · 31/01/2019 16:18

If you just lock your dog in a crate without preparation you'll have the whole house awake all night.

Not to mention you'll have one extremely distressed and unhappy dog. Please re-think this, OP. It's not fair on any of you.

KC225 · 31/01/2019 16:20

Put the baby basket in the crate. It wont know and the dog won't cry.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 16:28

Thanks again.
He was crated when he was a puppy up until about 2 years old but we stopped using it as he was so well behaved. I think I will set up the crate and leave the doors open this week and see how he takes to it.

OP posts:
LL83 · 31/01/2019 16:39

You are going above and beyond for friend by agreeing when dc2 doesn't sleep well and you have a newborn.

Understand mother doesn't want dog in with her DD but I think she has to settle for DD in top bunk or find alternative babysitter. Don't have the dog locked in dd1s room whining and adding to the difficult nights while the girls "might" sleep downstairs.
Also don't move dc2 if she will struggle.

You have tried to help, it's ok to admit you can't.

werideatdawn · 31/01/2019 16:41

I think you're being taken for a fool. It's annoying to read. Your poor dog having to be crated when he usually isn't just to suit the whims of some cheeky entitled woman. Why do you run around after her so much?

RandomMess · 31/01/2019 16:41

Our dog is crate trained, took crate on holiday with us, dog cried and had to sleep with someone...

I think you need to be honest and say it's the top bunk for her DD or no sleep over, how is it going to be ok if none of you get any sleep ShockConfused

RandomMess · 31/01/2019 16:42

Would it be better if you and baby slept at her house for 2 nights?

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