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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:
Frequency · 30/01/2019 23:25

Fair enough. Your dog, your child, your risk to take but I can't help but cringe when I read things like and the former dog trainer in me cannot resist the urge to post a friendly warning. I worked with two friendly dogs who nipped their bed-mates in the night. Fortunately both were warning nips and no-one was seriously injured but it could have been (and has been if you Google) so much worse.

As for the friend, I'm not sure what to suggest. I wouldn't let my kids sleep in a room with a dog either and would go down the SS route if that was my only other option. I know too much about canine behaviour to take that risk.

PolkaDoting · 30/01/2019 23:29

I am assuming SS would just laugh at you of you went to them about a dog sleeping in a child’s room.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2019 23:30

Yes I agree with Returnofthesmileybar. You've given her a couple of perfectly acceptable solutions. It's take it or leave it time.

I wonder if she's panicking about the operation and that's why she's being stressy/stubborn.

PolkaDoting · 30/01/2019 23:30

Oh, I see. You would call SS to take your child for the night rather than have your child sleep on the top bunk of a room with a dog in.

Evidencebased · 30/01/2019 23:30

Dog in the bathroom? The utility?

I totally get that it sounds as if friend is being demanding, but her child's special needs affects what's likely to work for the child- and the friend would hardly be doing any of you any favours if she didn't forewarn you of that: you might all have a rubbish night's sleep.

If the child had a physical disability, say was in a wheelchair, or had limited sight, wouldn't you be willing to tongue extra mile to make her comfortable in your home?

Evidencebased · 30/01/2019 23:31

To go the extra mile..

Frequency · 30/01/2019 23:31

I meant if my only option was to ask SS to find temp foster care for my child or allow my child to sleep in room with a friend's dog I would go down the foster care route not that I would report the family to SS.

MyFootHurts · 30/01/2019 23:33

Maybe the dog crated in DD2's bedroom could work?
I'd be tempted to find out what the other mother is worried about and then see if a solution presents itself.
My DD has her dog sleep in with her and we used to crate her in there when she had friends sleeping over.

callmeadoctor · 30/01/2019 23:34

Just a suggestion though that fire regulations do prefer that their are doors on bedrooms, so a consideration for you?

MyFootHurts · 30/01/2019 23:35

Or, could the friend sleep in the same room as dd2?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 30/01/2019 23:36

What's the problem with the dog being in the same room with the little girl if she's on a top bunk? If the mum doesn't mind the dog being in the same room when the children are awake, what's the difference?

Frequency · 30/01/2019 23:40

What if the little girl needs the loo and gets up in the night? 99.99% of fatal dog attacks occur when children are left unsupervised with dogs and the risk is higher when the child is not a resident of the dog's household. And in 75% or more of cases the dog owners genuinely believed their dog was friendly and wouldn't hurt a fly.

timeforteaplease1 · 30/01/2019 23:40

Wait, how did social services suddenly come into the convo?Confused

Ffs tell her the options and if she says no then tell her to do one.

rosenylund · 30/01/2019 23:48

Frequency do you mean you would report the family for the dog issue, or that you would ask SS for help looking after your kids whilst in hospital?

I pray it's not the first one.

Iloveautumnleaves · 30/01/2019 23:50

I know too much about canine behaviour to take that risk. 🙄

You have offered to have her DD stay, you have offered the top bunk. She can take that offer or make other areangements. THOSE are her choices ‍🤷🏻‍♀️ (don’t move DD2)

garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/01/2019 23:50

I would say simply "Happy to take her Mary but you have 3 options, top bunk, dd2's bedroom or someone else minds her, it's pretty much that simple, I am doing you a favour and happy to be flexible but that only extends so far

I think this is worded unecessarily rudely. What she is objecting to is not unreasonable. Just say "sorry Mary but I can't really think of another option so maybe you better ask someone else to have her. Happy to help if I can"

If it was my dd I would choose for her to sleep in the other bedroom alone rather than a room with a dog. Realistically i probably wouldn't ask a friend whose dog sleeps in the bedroom because I would know that I wasnt comfortable with this.

Frequency · 30/01/2019 23:53

That I would ask for SS help in looking after my child. I wouldn't report a family for having a dog sleep with a child although I do think it should be a reportable issue and should be taken seriously. Depending on the breed and the age of the child if it was a family I knew and the risk of serious injury was high (ie a Lab vs a 4yo) I would maybe ask a local behaviourist to have a friendly word with them.

I love dogs. I have a freaking degree in dogs, of course I love them. I have no issue at all in having dogs in a house with kids but not unsupervised, not when the dog is sleeping and especially not with a child who doesn't normally live there.

mumtobe2019 · 30/01/2019 23:53

Ridiculous behaviour from dd’s friend mum!

Nip this Cheeky fuckerry in the bud now with a stern text message stating that you hope she manages to find alternative arrangements elsewhere and good luck with the operation.

Do not even consider changing your living arrangements for this woman!

itswinetime · 30/01/2019 23:54

I would be firm with the mum as a pp said lay out your options it is one of those or she finds some one else.

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:54

Evidencebased - it’s my dd that has autism not hers.
Neither the dog nor friends dd can sleep in with dd2 as she wakes multiple times in the night and sometimes dh or I have to lay with her to get her back to sleep. Also dd2 has to take many trips to the bathroom so the dog can not sleep in there and I don’t see why he should have to.
callmeadoctor - the girls have doors on their rooms, it’s only me and dh that don’t and as our room is part of the landing there is really no way we can do anything about that.
We have tried a stair gate at the bottom of the stairs but he can jump clean over it.
Realistically I think I’m going to have to shut the dog in dd1’s room and make up a ‘camp’ or something or the girls to sleep downstairs? The only thing with that is I know the dog is going to whine for dd all night and I’m not sure the girls will sleep downstairs as we live out in the countryside and it can be kind of creepy.
I have tried to be accommodating and I already take this girl after school on a Friday every week without anything in return. Also when I have had this friend over with her dd she has never worried when the girls have been outside playing with the dog out of view yet is obviously worried that my dog will be able to climb a ladder to a bunk bed and savage her in her sleep?

OP posts:
IveGotAlpen · 30/01/2019 23:58

Bunk bed is the most sensible option . This woman is a bit of a cf...I can somewhat understand her concerns however if she doesn't like it she can find someone else to have her DD.

Fusioluxe · 31/01/2019 00:02

Why not DD in her room with friend and door shut?

What am I missing?

MardyMavis · 31/01/2019 00:08

What type of dog is it?...if it is a big dog then I can see her concerns tbh and I have a dog that sleeps on my bed! There is often me, dp, dog and one or 2 kids by morning....BUT this child is not the dogs family and there is no saying how it would react in certain situations.
Just because you are doing her a favour does that mean she just had to suck it up?

Remember she is having an operation and has no other help she's just looking out for her child, so wouldn't hurt you to change routine for a couple of days.

daipaned · 31/01/2019 00:12

One adult sleeps downstairs with the baby, other adult sleeps in DD1's room with the dog and DD1 and her friend sleep in your room.

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/01/2019 00:23

Returnofthesmileybar's response is more than generous. An operation is probably making the mum a bit anxious already so if she has any concerns for her daughter around dogs they are probably being exacerbated, and lots of parents would not be keen on their children sleeping with a dog in the bedroom (especially children who aren't used to dogs and a dog that isn't theirs). So her concern isn't unreasonable, it just isn't compatible with your set up.

A camp downstairs for the girls might be a solution, it sounds like it may be a bit disruptive, but it could also be a bit of an "experience" for them and that's generally good in small doses. Another alternative if you find it acceptable (and I think this is really going out of your way and not necessarily that fair on your dog) would be to kennel him for the two nights at your friend's expense.

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