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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:
TheCounter · 31/01/2019 04:46

The reasonable reaction to your/ her predicament would be her declining the offer as she doesn't think it's a suitable arrangement.

Replying ..."Not a satisfactory solution"
and expecting you to come up with another is bizzare and rather rude tbh
I'd tell her to sling her hook(after I'd reminded her that nothing that comes for free is ever perfect)

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 05:00

There are certain things we all can be a bit worried about with our kids that others aren’t. This is just one of those things imo.

Some kids and parents are extremely nervous of dogs, some are just not that into them.

Some things I worry about coz I know my kids can’t be trusted with, though others could!!

I think the ‘not satisfactory solution’ if that’s what the message said, is kinda rude but things can def get misunderstood on text.

Really it’s up to the mum whether she lives with the worry that something may happen with the dog (if if it’s very unlikely) or finds somewhere else if there is no solution at yours, you are doing a favour after all.

It would be a shame for this to come between you when you generally get along? It’s hard to find other parents completely on your wavelength.

Ladyoftheloch · 31/01/2019 05:21

YANBU - you’ve tried to offer multiple solutions. If none of them are acceptable to the mum she’ll just have to ask someone else. You’ve done your best!

purplepingu · 31/01/2019 05:25

I'm guessing dog on the landing with the door shut means the dog has access to the OP's open plan bedroom as it's part of the landing.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2019 05:26

"Friend, I am happy for your DD to stay and have given you the three options. If you are not happy with any of them then of course feel free to have her stay somewhere else. I hope the op goes well, let me know if your DD will be staying or not."

Done.

She is trying to make her problem your problem, so just bat it right back.

MrsDaveGrohl78 · 31/01/2019 05:37

I'd be telling her it's top bunk or she finds her own arrangement.

You're doing her a favour and she's being a little rude to be honest!

Consolidatedyourloins · 31/01/2019 05:46

She does sound quite rude for expecting you to come up with a solution.

Is she actually a friend? Sounds like she sees you as childcare as you have her dd every Friday.

I would also tell her you can't do it. She'll find someone else.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2019 05:53

I’d accommodate. Dd would like to sleep in her room with our dog. She’s 10. The dog wouldn’t like that so it’s not happening. I also am not ready to trust the dog alone with her. He wouldn’t intentionally hurt her but she could be a pia with him and he could give some warning growls, which she’s ignore then she’d become up. It could result in. her pushing him away too hard (it happened when he was play biting as a pup). So it’s to protect the dog, not her.

This girl is coming into your home and dogs territory and you expect the mother be ok with her dd being alone overnight with their dog. I’ve had a few dogs in my time and know what kids can be like when left alone and excited. They do really silly things. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement.

I’d go with dh in dds room. Girls at the far side of the landing. Or downstairs.

When dd was just turned 9 she had a friend to stay. They couldn’t sleep so I put the tiny pop up tent in the bedroom with me and they slept in there. Sort of a bedroom within a room. I read them stories until they dropped off. Could you give them a make shift tent? Only thing is the baby will obvs wake them up so not ideal.

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 05:57

People are getting sidetracked here on the dd sleeping with the dog issue. That's not what OP is asking about.

OP, I think you should just say to your friend "I'm happy to have your dd stay over but these are the only arrangements we can accommodate. Let me know if you still want her to stay". End of discussion. You can't turn your whole family upside down just because a child is sleeping over for 2 nights, you've offered her enough options. If it isn't good enough then she'll just have to find somewhere else for her daughter to stay. Her problem, not yours.

KC225 · 31/01/2019 06:01

If the girls are 9 surely there must be other parents that could help out for a couple of nights given the circumstances. Who else is the gridl friendly with? You have given the mother a few options - you are helping out, you are not a hotel. I am happy to move my kids (similar age) when extra rooms are required and they don't mind but it sounds as if your DD2 will find it really stressful. Do you really need extra angst with a new baby? Surely, a shout out to other parents on 'what's app/face book' group whatever you use will get another offer to help.

ChristmasFlary · 31/01/2019 06:21

DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby

If your bedroom doesn't have a door anyway what's wrong with the dog being able to come and go in your room? Why does having a baby prevent the dog sleeping in your room?

Also, why do you not want the dog alone downstairs? I understand it's open plan, but what is your concern with that?

blueskiesandforests · 31/01/2019 06:21

The other girl's mum is absolutely and completely right, of course. That doesn't mean that the OP has to accommodate her either though.

The other girl's mum sensibly risk assessed her DD sleeping shut into a room with another family's dog and it is indeed a risk, so the mum needs to make alternative overnight arrangements for her DD. The OP's house isn't a suitable option.

Foxyscarf · 31/01/2019 06:21

If the bedrooms have doors then just shut the dog out for the night. Why isn't this an option?

Joboy · 31/01/2019 06:31

Just say no . What your friend is asking is massive with just her staying over . You have a baby and autistic dd you have enough on your plate . Having another child could trip you over edge.
Just say no sorry not going to work.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 31/01/2019 06:32

I would just say, “I am sorry but the dog stays, if you are not happy with that, then I am afraid you will have to find someone else to look after your DD for you”. End of problem.

Stefoscope · 31/01/2019 06:59

I would just be saying no at this point, she's messing you around and you're the one who's doing her a massive favour. If she's going to be this fussy and has no other friends or family that can help, she'll need to pay for childcare in her own home for those two nights.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 06:59

Tell her you are sorry the planned sleeping arrangements won't work and express the hope that it's not too late for her to find another family willing to do her the favour of taking care of her daughter while she is in hospital.

Holidayshopping · 31/01/2019 07:02

I would say no now.

Birdie6 · 31/01/2019 07:03

I've always had dogs on our beds - all of us. Your friend will have to find someone else to mind her DD if she doesn't like your sleeping arrangements ( though I suspect that her DD might actually be happy with a top bunk / sleeping with a dog. Most kids like that sort of thing !)

LoniceraJaponica · 31/01/2019 07:06

“If something ever did happen I know it would be totally my fault but I have complete confidence that it won’t”

IMO the girl’s mother is not being unreasonable to have concerns, and you are being reasonable in trying to accommodate her. Neither of you is right and neither of you is wrong.

However, I do have concerns with the above statement. I think it is irresponsible to be so utterly confident that your dog can be trusted so completely. There have been so many stories about the trusted family dog attacking a member of the family. We are talking about a dog here, not a rational human being.

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 07:13

I don’t think any dog should be in the room with a 5 week old baby while adults are asleep... perhaps OP knows this too hence not an option.

What dog do you have OP? Some can be terribly loveable and loyal but this can present an issue if they believed their human family was in danger - play fighting etc. They are not human, they don’t have human thoughts and understanding.

If the guest does not have dogs she will not know how not to p*ss one off! My dog is what most would call ‘totally harmless’ but if pulled about enough he would bite because he would have no choice.

AverageHuman · 31/01/2019 07:14

This could then mean serious consequences for the dog, as well as injury for a child

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 07:17

Thinking about it, if I were her I would not have asked this favour of you given that you have a 5 week old baby, and if you extended an invitation and I were the mother heading for an operation I would have turned you down and filed it under 'things you say when you are delirious after giving birth'.

mystifiedinbrighton · 31/01/2019 07:18

Your friend is a cheeky mare!

You have a lot on, and are trying to help. I get that the dog can’t have the run of the house.

I think best solution is top bunk. What exactly does she think is going to happen? Folk are weird!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 31/01/2019 07:20

You have bent over backwards for this woman and offered various solutions when she has plainly stated that your living conditions aren't acceptable to her daughter. I'd tell her it's either the dog/on her own in the other room or find somewhere else to stay. This really shouldn't be so difficult for you - you're doing her a favour!