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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 16:14

FrancisCrawford in some contexts 9 is a little girl - compared to a 15 year old she's a little girl, compared to a 4 year old she isn't, clearly. A 4 year old isn't little compared to a baby... That's an ordinary, every day concept. Many 9 year olds are still physically small enough to carry in from the car if they fall asleep on the long drive home from holiday - little children. 9 is too young to babysit, too young to take full unsupervised responsibility for younger children, too young to watch a 15 rated film, too young to be out with other 9 year olds without an adult at 10pm, too young to do plenty of things, and is too young to be left unsupervised shut into in a room with another family's dog overnight.

IrmaFayLear · 01/02/2019 16:42

People on here are nuts! The level of fear over pets is quite astonishing. Some dogs are unpredictable, have had a poor start in life or are dogs which have the potential to clamp, but decent owners will be aware of this. Most family pets are well socialised and absolutely used to children. Those dogs that "hit the headlines" as a pp said are usually pit bull types, not a King Charles spaniel or whatever. And to say that everyone's been bitten by a dog! Well!

We've had loads of dcs sleeping over and none has been savaged by the dog, even when hordes of kids have been running riot after too much pizza and coca cola.

Would I let my 9-year-old stay at a house where there was a pitbull who goes out on a chain? Nope, probably not. Would I let my 9-year-old stay in house with a sausage dog? Duh!

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 17:05

Irmafaylear it's not breed dependent though! Our oldest daschund rescue nipped all of us (including my nine year old daughter) within the first year of him coming to us, because he was reactive and fearful after a horrible beginning in life, and we weren't as yet tuned in to the miniscule fear signals he was giving out. Admittedly, he's been generallly fine and gentle ever since but he will still lash out if in pain or very scared. But we've got to know how to prevent these rare situations on the whole and in the event of injury, know how to deal with him (very very warily!).

He is definitely locked away with his companion (with provisions, games, comfy beds etc) when visiting DC come to stay! That's not madness! It's called taking sensible precautions! Great that your dog is well socialised enough to mix with hordes of excited DC though (mean this genuinely) but I do think people are well advised to be cautious in that situation as it can send some dogs a bit over the top!

IrmaFayLear · 01/02/2019 17:14

Of course all dogs are different and it always pays to be wary, but on MN there is this bizarre hysteria about dogs, when all the dogs I know who live in family homes are perfectly friendly. And I have never had a child (or their parent) refuse to come to the house because of the dog. Actually he is the main attraction!

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 17:16

IrmaFayLear it's not breed dependent though! My oldest rescue daschund nipped all of us within his first year of arrival because he had had a horrid youth and was fearful and reactive as a result, and we failed to read properly the extremely subtle fear signals he was sending out. He's generally kind and hasn't bitten since but will still try and lash out if very scared or in severe pain. And as you say, we now know how to handle these rare occasions when they do occur.

He is always locked away with his companion (with provisions, blankets and beds) when visiting DC come. I'm not worried about his behaviour as much as a visiting child's unpredictability tbh! It's great your dog is socialised to the extent that he is non reactive among hordes of excited DC (mean this genuinely - it is really great!) but I think generally speaking, people would be well advised to be cautious in that situation because it can send some dogs a bit over over the top! That's not nuts imho, it's just being sensible!

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 17:18

Oops, sorry, typed that post all over again as thought it was lost! Apologies!

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leawg1986 · 01/02/2019 17:32

Your friend is being awkward! You’re doing her a favour.... if she doesn’t like the situation - then she needs to find someone else to look after her daughter.

perfectstorm · 01/02/2019 17:32

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want your child sleeping unsupervised with a strange dog, but where I lose patience is the insistence that she can't sleep alone, with a closed door, either.

You're doing her a huge favour. She's quibbling about the exact colour of the ambulance upholstery, in effect. It's not your job to completely upend your whole family to cater to her, especially as that will inevitably impact your ASD child - and your own sleep, with said ASD child plus a newborn.

You're a good person, OP.

TheCounter · 01/02/2019 17:47

She'll be wanting to do a house inspection next,now that you've bought a crate for your dog.
Get ready for the padded cell request with no furniture because there's a risk her daughter could trip over it...and people on here will think that that's a reasonable expectation if she wishes to have daughters friends for overnight stays(which doesn't appear to be strictly true given that this scenario seems to involve a requirement for childcare)

MusicianLab1 · 01/02/2019 17:47

Frequency - a degree in dogs sounds most interesting! I’m genuinely interested, where did you study?

Twooter · 01/02/2019 17:50

I think lots of 9 years olds would be scared/worried being shut in a room by themselves in A strange house when their mum is in hospital. I really can’t get my head round all the CF comments.

Catsinthecupboard · 01/02/2019 17:53

Tell your friend to find another alternative.

We have two large dogs. I couldn't really do what she asked bc dogs, like people are individual and have their own minds.

You've made good alternative suggestions to the point of putting your own dc out.

Stop. She's not your sister, not family with whom we are forever stuck with no matter how plaguing.

Tell her that you're sorry but you can't kennel the dog.

Rhumatoidwarrior88 · 01/02/2019 17:59

The fact the dog can sleep in the room with the child since she was 3 shows incredible training . A dog is only dangerous in the hands of a irresponsible owner.

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToftyAC · 01/02/2019 18:24

Ffs! She’s taking the piss. If she doesn’t like how you live then tell her some other mug can take care of her child! FWIW, our cats have free range and usually find one or the both of them snuggled up with one of us. They get anxious, so we let them get in with it. I’d do the same if they were dogs.

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 18:24

IrmaFayLear my youngest was bitten by a family member's dog as a toddler - toddler playing on the floor of a different family member's house, dog owner walked in unannounced with off lead dog which ran in front of her and lunged at him. A lurcher. Not a put bull, a lurcher. Family member's response - the dog was "only mouthing" and it wasn't a bite. It was ragged and got infected despite being cleaned immediately. Family member's response - this was my fault as I should have taught him to stay still when a "playful" dog "mouths" him Hmm It's the dog lover's equivalent of "she was asking for it". The entire extended family were more concerned about the dog than DS and I was persuaded he didn't need hospital. They didn't want the bite reported as family member was a foster carer. Turns out he'd bitten a young adult family member hard enough to draw blood through jeans and an older family member on the hand - both had been persuaded not to seek medical attention.

Ironically the dog owner was bitten by a sausage dog as a 5 year old and needed stitches, but the attitude in the family is that nothing is ever a dog or dog owner's fault. Its always someone else's or "just playful".

Leaving a child under 10 unsupervised with someone else's dog overnight is irresponsible. Nobody has to have visiting children overnight, but if you do you shouldn't plan on shutting them in a room with a dog and without an adult - that's common sense.

Lala2018 · 01/02/2019 18:41

Why can't the dog sleep in the empty room you offered?

Lala2018 · 01/02/2019 18:42

DD2'S room?

Nik122 · 01/02/2019 18:42

Total CF. If I was doing someone a very big favour and they started dictating where my dog had to stay, I would no longer be doing said favour. I certainly wouldn't be moving my whole family around to accommodate this child. Stop being a push over!

Original poster
Angelwings111 · 01/02/2019 18:43

Dh is going in dd1’s room with the dog (begrudgingly).
Dd1 and friend will sleep on a sofa bed that we can bring upstairs into my room.

I never said that the dog wasn’t well enough behaved to be locked in the bathroom however I do feel that would be totally unfair on him and imagine whoever suggested it doesn’t have or like dogs.

Also dd’s friend is not scared of the dog in any way and interacts really well with him. I have looked after her for 3 years every Friday for 5 hours after school where she happily rolls around on the floor with him and snuggles with him and my kids on the sofa. It is her mum who has the problem with him because she just doesn’t like dogs. (Not mine in particular but any dogs)

OP posts:
TheCounter · 01/02/2019 18:43

Sounds like you've got some idiots in your family blueskiesandforests.
And a dangerous dog.
A bit of a stretch to think it has any relevance to this thread tho, given that there's no suggestion that the ops dog is anything other than a cuddle monster.

Or are you suggesting that dogs and kids don't mix?

Bah. Dunno. Kinda over this thread.

Anyone want to know the story about a pet parrot that went on the rampage and plucked it's owners eyes out?

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 18:45

FrancisCrawford it was you who compared 9 year olds to 4 year olds in an attempt to claim that 9 year old girls aren't little girls. They are though. They certainly aren't anything else....

My DD is 13 so if I had to look after a 9 year old girl I might well refer to her as a little girl. The only way anyone might think a 9 year old wasn't a little girl would be if they didn't have children older than 9. When DD was 9 she seemed quite grown up compared to her then 3 year old brother. She was old enough, as you say, to make simple meals but that doesn't mean that she wasn't a little girl or that she should have been left unsupervised with anyone else's dog!

Frequency · 01/02/2019 18:51

Bishop Burton College. It's distance learning with a residential every year plus you need a placement. I really enjoyed working with the dogs but couldn't hack the people. I worked in rescues and too many people gave up on their dogs for stupid reasons or rehomed them for a snap or bite that could have been avoided if they'd listened the first time we went out yo support them.