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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let her daughter sleep over?

333 replies

Angelwings111 · 30/01/2019 23:04

One of dd’s friends from school is supposed to be sleeping over at my house for 2 days next week while her mum has an operation. This is not a problem as she is a lovely little girl and I get on well with her mum.
The problem is we have a dog who usually sleeps in with dd(9). Now as we have always had dogs I think nothing of this BUT totally understand that other parents won’t be keen so when my friend mentioned she didn’t want her dd sharing a room with the dog I was fine with that.
However as our house is a barn conversion there is no way we can shut the dog downstairs as it is totally open planned so no shut off rooms at all. DH and I can’t have the dog in with us as we have a 5 week old baby and dd2 can’t have him because she fidgets really badly and can’t sleep with the dog in there because he keeps her awake, so I gave my friend a few choices but nothing is god enough for her.
I told her that her dd could have the top bunk in dd’s room (no way the dog can get up there) and my dd would sleep on the sofa that pulls out at the bottom - she said no because she doesn’t want the dog in the same room at all.
I said her dd could have my dd2’s room and be shut in - she doesn’t think her dd would be comfortable sleeping alone in a house she doesn’t know by herself.
So now I’m trying to persuade dd2 to either come in with me and dh or in with dd1 and friends dd just so the dog can be shut in her room away from everyone. I know it’s only for 2 nights but dd2’s really not keen on moving rooms and I feel bad telling her she has to (she has autism and change really doesn’t go down well with her).
I’m thinking of just telling my friend that I can’t have her dd staying here but feel bad as she has no one else to help her but I don’t know what else to do?
Someone help me out please.

OP posts:

Travisandthemonkey · 31/01/2019 21:27

I think you’re very kind and a good friend op. As someone else said, going above and beyond doesn’t mean you’re being taken advantage of, if it happened all the time that’s another thing.
I’m sure the dog will be fine. And guess what being extra kind when someone needs your help is a good thing. We need more of it in this world.

Mummyshark2018 · 31/01/2019 21:30

Sorry you're getting grief OP! Yes dogs are animals but we as responsible dog owners can predict with good certainty (not 100%) how our dogs will react. I would have no problem with my 7 year old having our cockapoo in her room only I know that she wouldn't sleep! (And I love him in my bed 😳).
I think if your dog hasn't been crate trained then it's a big thing to expect your dog to feel safe and relaxed in there (for 2 nights) . If it were me, given your circumstances, and I think you have been accommodating (don't understand why other child can't sleep in top bunk??- can your dog climb ladders) then I would decline and say that it doesn't work.

ChanceyJ · 31/01/2019 21:32

Have you spoke to your DD about this as if she’s always had the dog in her room will she be able to sleep and settle with out the dog being there

PixiKitKat · 31/01/2019 21:36

Put the visiting child in the crate

Joking!

Original poster

Angelwings111 · 31/01/2019 21:48

ChanceyJ Yes dd can sleep without the dog, she stays at friends and families houses without him, it’s just a routine that we’ve fallen into.

OP posts:

pantyclaws · 31/01/2019 22:43

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time for doing something kind and going out of your way to help a lone parent and their child. Yes you could have said no, but you chose to find a solution instead. I applaud you. Your dog will be fine, it's two nights.

You can't win on Mumsnet, you're either selfish or a mug.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 23:38

She is not a CF for asking for support Twooter. She is a CF for making the person doing her a favour jump through all sorts of hoops, vetoing sleeping arrangements and in effect demanding that the OP, who is already dealing with two older children and a newborn baby, rearrange her family's sleeping arrangements and change her dog's nocturnal habits to accommodate her child.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 23:41

OP, has the other mother ever hosted this child overnight?

Does the other family have a dog or cat?

Have you ever spoken to this other mother about her experience of dealing with this mother?

mathanxiety · 31/01/2019 23:43

OP, I think you need to mention to the school that this mother has MH issues and no support and is wary of SS involvement in her life.

I sense an issue that the school should have on their radar.

freshfoodpeople · 01/02/2019 05:25

Why did the other mother say no immediately? Does she have previous experience with his woman being a pain in he neck?

I agree with previous posters who say to tell the mother that she has the choices you've offered or she can make other arrangements.

I'm not a dog lover at all, but there's no way I'd be dictating to someone in this scenario as CF as been, and nor would I have gone and bought a dog crate.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/02/2019 07:26

The bunk bed solution is perfectly reasonable

She needs to find somewhere else for this kid to stay..

This

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/02/2019 09:16

Incredibly cheeky to try and dictate the sleeping arrangements in your house.

The dog won't be sleeping in same bad as dd's friend.

I would text or say, "I am happy to help out with your dd but this is the way things are in our house.

If you don't think it's suitable then is there anyone else who could do this favour for you?"

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 01/02/2019 09:23

You've really been through all the permutations with her. She'll need to find somewhere else I'm afraid. You've offered umpteen solutions but nothing is right for the mum. Just say you're sorry then.

Mossend · 01/02/2019 09:23

I would say you have been more than accommodating.

The mother is well within her right if she doesn't want her child to sleep in the same room as a dog and if she decides not to take the risk she then has to make alternative arrangements not dictate to you the sleeping arrangements in your home

IrmaFayLear · 01/02/2019 09:40

Just read the first couple of pages and SNORT!!!! at someone suggesting social services is contacted because a dog sleeps on a child's bed. My dog is laughing his head off at the very thought of being told he can't bunk in with us!

That being said, I once stayed at friend's house and she had two Dobermans (Dobermen?!) and I did say weakly that could their beds be moved out of my room...

The dcs have had lots of sleepovers and there have been no objections to dog joining in. I fully understand that lots of people who don't like dogs - any dogs - but then that is their problem when choosing whether or not they or their offspring stay in a dog owner's house.

If I invite someone to the house, be it a friend, relative or tradesperson, and they don't like dogs, then dog is barricaded in kitchen. But if someone just turns up or is there at their own invitation, then they have to realise that dog has access all areas.

TeddybearBaby · 01/02/2019 10:01

Op, I think you couldn’t be further away from being a mug. The world needs more people like you.

I’m putting myself in your friends shoes (desperate to keep her children safe but having to have an op. Having no one to turn to). So her choice is daughter stays with complete strangers or family that she knows and loves but risks being bitten by the dog. What a choice!

Your shoes - a lot on your plate already but offering to help but nothing seems ‘good enough’ but then this lady really needs help and her daughter is the one who suffers. What to do............

You’ve chosen the option to be kind and caring for 2 days for the sake of someone else, a child mainly.

One day you might be in need of help and I really hope you come across someone like you if you do 💐.

wednesday32 · 01/02/2019 10:11

You have been very accommodating already by offering alternatives. At this point I would suggest the mother seeks alternative help. You have done more than enough already by offering to have her and to alter your families sleeping arrangements.

Twooter · 01/02/2019 11:04

But the child is likely to be dressed and worried about her mum’s operation and having to stay 2 nights in someone else’s house. It’s likely she won’t sleep well. So imagine being a worried child, scared to get out of bed because there’s a dog below you. Why can’t your dh sleep with the dog?

FrancisCrawford · 01/02/2019 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AverageHuman · 01/02/2019 12:38

So has a decision been made? This little girl needs a safe bed for a couple of nights while mum is having an operation, seriously.. I think actually you are almost too nice and would be better just saying no and letting her sort something ASAP before she’s left with no options.

julensaor · 01/02/2019 13:03

I think the mother is reasonable in requesting the her child not be asleep in the same room as the dog. Many people don't agree with children sleeping with dogs. He is not that well behaved if you can't lock him into a bathroom or utility for the night without trouble. He obviously does not know his place in the pack and a dog with an elevated sense of his position is the very type that can turn, no matter how sweet he seems; bearing in mind with a 5 week old baby, his placement is a little unsure. If you can't put your dog below someone else's child for a night, then you really need to say no.

Yokohamajojo · 01/02/2019 13:05

oh what tripe above

MaddieElla · 01/02/2019 13:08

People are missing that the bond between a child and its dog can be extremely strong. No way would I be putting my well behaved dog who is used to its routine and comfort into a crate, for a random kid to sleep over for 2 nights. If I put mine from the end of my bed to a crate, she would genuinely think she was being punished.

Why do people on Mumsnet hate dogs so much? Mine is far more loyal and faithful to me than most humans I've met.

Twooter · 01/02/2019 13:11

I can’t think of any of my friends who wouldn’t put up with a bit of inconvenience to look after a friend’s child while their parent is in hospital. I obviously have much better friends than I realised.

Housingcraze · 01/02/2019 13:12

Dog home, she’s visitor simple.

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