To be angry with friend...

[MummyMayo1988]

Quick back story:

Best friend and I have been friends for over 10 years now. Love her with all of my heart and would do anything for her. To top off a perfect friendship; she loves my 2 crazy kids (9 and 5)

Anyhow; 2 years ago BF and her DH announced they were trying for a baby. We were over the moon for them. At the time she made a comment that I thought was strange; "You can't have any more kids till I've had one." Took it in jest and didn't think much of it.
18 months goes by and no pregnancy announcement so I ask if everything is ok with them. Reply was vague but as I understood it; they had been trying all this time with no success. I must mention that BF is quite prude about sex as is her DH. They don't talk about it at all. I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??
In the meantime; DH and I had made the decision to try for baby number 3. I was pregnant within 5 months of trying and couldn't wait to tell best friend our news.
She was gutted. I could tell. She didn't speak to me for weeks and I was soo sad about it to the point I regretted getting pregnant.
When she finally replied to my many emails; I suggested maybe it was time to go speak to her GP but her DH wasn't interested in getting tested and kind of dismissed the idea of any "help" in the baby making department. BF was soo depressed and another 6 months went past before she went to the doctors alone, got referred to the hospital and had some tests. I don't know what the results were; she didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want to push her. I made it very clear tho that I am here for her and will always support her. The trouble is; she is very pessimistic about everything and the way she speaks it's like the whole thing - having a child - is a lost cause and there's nothing to be done. I reassured her that there are always options; they just have to find the right one for them. It seems tho; that baby making has been put on hold because it's just too stressful. That was that - she didn't want to talk about it any more.
During my own pregnancy; I've been careful not to mention it in conversation and I'm vague and reply with short answers if she asks how I am. I've tried to direct the conversation away from my belly. I'm sure she thinks I can't tell how bitter she is by her face.
Today I received a txt asking how I was - it's my due day - and I replied that I was fed up and in pain. Her reply was "Be thankful that your pregnant." 😐 like I'm not?! I'm very thankful for each of my children.

What I'm sad about is the fact she would even suggest that I'm not.
Did she really expect me to put my life on hold because she hasn't had a baby yet?
My DH isn't happy about it either; saying that we can't gold off on another baby - that we waited 5 years to have because we weren't financially stable for a 3rd - just because they haven't had one yet.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

I don't know what to do and miss her very much! 😔

OP you have 3 DC. You can’t imagine how painful it must be for her seeing you enjoying family life and popping them out without an issue. You do sound quite jubilant about it!

She’s not being mean spirited; she’s hurting. You need to be more understanding.

She's hurting and hurt people can be mean and selfish to those they love. I would cut her some slack and try and ignore the hurtful comments. Give her time and certainly don't push her away. Best of luck with baby and I hope your friend can be happy for you, I'm sure she is even though she can't show it at the moment.

A good friend should not resent your good fortune.
As tough as ttc is she should not be making you feel like that.
You need to make the decision to take a step back - for both your sakes.

Your poor friend. Can't you imagine how she's feeling? If not, you are not much of a friend.

I'd give her some space and time, and see how she is after that.

You are very unreasonable. Infertility is soul destroying, and pithy comments about there always being options might be well intentioned but they'll come across as condescending.

Sorry infertility is completely soul destroying and the hardest thing i ever went through. Pregnancy is tough and I can understand you being fed up, but you should not have winged about it to someone who would do anything to be in your shoes. I think if she had posted on AIBU then everyone would be telling her to distance herself from you.

She's hurting and she lashed out. I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling - try to brush the comment off and be there for her. She'll be feeling so many emotions, she may feel pangs of jealousy, resentment and then guilt for feeling those things.

Don't let it split your friendship up. Let her know that you know she's hurting.

Give her space and time like someone up thread suggested.
Enjoy the last of your pregnancy and new baby when they come.
Don't let anyone spoil this time for your family. You can't ever get this time back.

Her fertility is hers and her Dh's. She is very closed to wanting treatment (or her Dh is) so you can't help her with this, seeing you and the kids will just make it worse.

AIBU to be angry and want to distance myself - at least for a little while - from friend who clearly isn't happy for me and so bitter and (sometimes) just plain mean.

Please distance yourself. Not because she’s horrible, because you evidently cannot put yourself in her shoes at all. You’re blatantly ignorant to infertility, and whilst it should not stop you expanding your family it doesn’t excuse you evidently having the sensitivity of a brick.

She’s grieving. She’s not being a downer - she has genuinely given up. That’s heartbreaking. Cut her some slack. And good luck with the birth!

While it’s must be so difficult for your friend she is being unreasonable.

I say this as someone who fell pregnant the same time as two other women in my workplace and our due dates were within a week of each other.

Sadly I miscarriaged and as much as it hurt to see them reach pregnancy milestones I never once took my sandy and anger out on them.

The best thing for you both is for you to distance yourself for a while and then as she’s able to deal with her emotions better you can work on the friendship.

Just because someone goes through something terrible it doesn’t excuse them to be a dick.

Ok i see both sides here but during my 8 years of trying, ectopic, miscarriages, tests, investigations and IVF cycles i would NEVER have done that to a friend. I was outwardly and genuinely overjoyed for friends who had their babies while i kept losing mine.
Suggesting investigations is not insensitive if it's been handled gently. On the other hand being told "you could always adopt" or have you tried x / y or z can be hurtful and infuruating.
I don't think you have done anything wrong, but i think your friend's hurt is understandable. You should be able to celebrate your good news and it sounds like you have tried to do that without rubbing her face in it.
I understand the temptation to pull away but as her best friend she needs you, even if it seems she is being an unsupportive friend in response.
Please try to remember that we pften lash out at those we love the most when we are in pain.
Good luck with the birth and don't feel guilty about your happiness

It might well be hard for her to be struggling to conceive and seeing others do so with ease..

But the rest of it, frankly, shes being a twat.

Not reasonable to ask you to not have another one just because she wants to have one first.

YANBU to give her the space she very obviously requires so that you avoid her toxicity and she can figure out shes being a twat for herself.

The comment about being "thankful" about your pregnancy is all about her and nothing to do with you so please don't take it as her thinking you're not thankful for being pregnant or having children. She's hurting and in a dark place and her comments reflect how she's feeling rather than how she views you. She's devastated, bitter and hurt at her situation and she's finding it hard to deal with her feelings.

I know it's hard being with friends with someone who is making it so difficult, but trust me when I say that what she's feeling and living through is life changing. It will be eating her up all day everyday. It's all consuming.

YABU.

I suggested an ovulation kit - maybe they just weren't doing it on the right day??

Please don’t make unsolicited suggestions like this to someone struggling to conceive - it’s intrusive and patronising.

You know this is really hard for her and yet she managed to put her own feelings aside and ask how you were. I don’t blame her for being upset by your flippant response. She sounds like she’s doing her best to be a good friend. You... not so much.

Tricky she's hurt and upset but that doesn't make you her whipping boy.

"Yes I'm very grateful I'm pregnant and know how lucky we are, but I'm still fed up and grumpy"

Give the friendship some space, invite her over to see the baby on her own. But don't accept poor behaviour from her.

Congratulations

On the fence with this one. I am in your friends situation, I hate people asking me anything about ttc-ing. Even friends I have had for 15+ years and especially friends who already have children. I find it is always very condescending, 'stop thinking about it and it will happen', 'there are loads of options available' (normally ending with, there's always adoption! )

But when my friends tell me about their pregnancies I am very happy for them, pg course the day they tell me I usually end up crying my eyes out to dp in private, but to the friend, it is nothing but good news. Some people are not as good at hiding their emotions, luckily I have had a lot of practise.

What ever you do, please remember her reactions are about her and not you. Distance if you need too, but I am sure the off the hand comment about you not having any more kids before her was just a poor attempt at comedy. It sounds from your OP that she said this when they first decided to try so not during the crap (for her) time since.

A good friend should not resent your good fortune.
As tough as ttc is she should not be making you feel like that.

^This. Being infertile is not a pass to treat people like crap

Live your own life and cherish the happiness you have within it.

I agree with the others, I too would stay away from this friend, you are not responsible for your friends infertility or her distress.

Congratulations.

The sad thing is, there aren’t always options.

I think she’s just in pain, OP. It’s hard for her to put you first when she is going through something so difficult. It may be that she just needs some space and time.